𓆩༺ jae ༻𓆪

I cant fully express how much I missed things. I don't really know why right now it suddenly felt important.

I missed morning sun, I missed crying in God's presence. I missed listening to worship songs and dancing and singing on its beat. I missed the old times. The significant times of my youth. I missed my youth...

even if its not all happy memories, even if most of the time no one is beside me, and even if, it often times feels excluding. I still prefer it than this.

I often write on my letters these phrase " if your reading this, I hope you are happy and contented. I hope your well and on a much better place." and sadly, those letter I wrote when I was 16 was all just a hope, apparently, now that I am twenty. I realize how unrealistic that simple hope is.

Maybe if I waited longer, maybe ten years more-- it could be different. But unfortunately it is yet another hope again.

To tell you truly, I am lost again in this endless loop of doubt and responsibility. I have never bear such before... but still I still show up and do my best to fulfill all this responsibilities. Even if I am full of doubt. Even if I am still in the dark and lost in all twirling roads. Even if...

So maybe that's why. That's why I missed those little moments and details of my life, because those are the only moments I felt seen, assured, and at peace.

It is the only moment I felt so small and yet so loved by some sort of self or a great spirit.

Yes, I want to feel that again. I want to be there again. I want to. But I dont know how to go back. I dont know if i still can go back...

Maybe being lost is also being forgotten and being forgotten means being abandoned.

I DID nothing today. I think I'm just lazy or maybe i lost all the inspiration in my blood. Either way, i feel really bad. Since i didn't do anything today, i got so much time to think about Jra and Daniel and all of my almost. I watched these readings in TikTok and they all say the same thing about my situation and what will happen next in my life. At first it felt good and yes i actually listened to it and believed in it. why? because it sounds really reasonable and resonates with me. It also feeds my delusional self. but then there are some specific readings that didn't come true and weren't true so now it's really hard to believe anymore. I don't want anymore more to know what will happen next to my life cus i want it surprise. I also withdrew myself with the attachment and delusions of having a relationship with someone. I feel like i dont need it anymore and that I can't. i will just hurt myself and lose track again. But yes, sometimes i do wish I had someone. Someone to call whenever I have problems, someone i can share secrets with or someone i can hangout with — without feeling ashamed. But I guess that kind of access to me is so unrealistic and absurd that no one really tried to be with me or understand me fully. Cuz you know i kinda hard to be around— i know. Maybe thats why people don't want me, especially men. Maybe i never meant to find someone like that. Or maybe i cursed to be alone in this lifetime. nah i don't need it anymore if it will just ruin me. So I'll endure all this torment i let befell on me. I'll mask all the rejection with smile and silence, just like before. And the most selfless thing i can give is to, live alone with all this almost without bothering anyone, or confessing anything until i lose all my feeling and fixation towards them. Until i can be enough for myself. Until I won't feel the pain, and until I can live with the rejection I am so afraid to hear from them.