Green Lights All The Way.

June, July, August. It went by so fast.

You had a fun birthday in the mountains. I had a nice sleep in the mountains.Lol. The views and the weather is something I can't forget. And even just meeting some of your ODP friends meant a lot to me. I cannot wait for that time again when we can travel back. Covid was and still is a big thing.

Rewinding a few months ago when you asked if I would move with you to a different state for work. Honestly, deep down I wish I could have said no because I didn't want to be clingy or burdenful. I wanted some independence or maybe trust. Believing in me.

But because it was the state I could never turn down. Nebraska. My heart and soul. My belonging. My home. I could never ever say no to Nebraska. and getting to live in my favorite state with my favorite person? Yes Yes Yes.

And so I made plans to make the move. But I'd be there for the month alone. But with family. But you wouldn't be arriving until October. October would be the day I fly to Ohio attend a cutie wedding party and to drive back down to Nebraska with you.

June comes..

Its time to return back to work. I wasn't ready..But a lot of the families were Doctors/Nurses., First responders.

They needed us.. But honestly I wasn't ready to return to work. I felt selfish.. Returning to work with masks and a to a not so normal scene.. a place I once enjoyed coming to was anxiety to me everyday.

I was scared. I purposely was late to work because I didn't want to leave the house. I wanted to be home with Mom, with the dogs.. in bed or walking outside. Not exposing myself more to the virus.. Even though I still got up to go to work I only did it for one more month and I think you remember why..

You had started working at Mr.Mulch. Everyday, hauling and hugging and driving soil, rocks, mulch, sod, helping customers in the hot sun. Your tan was very prominent. Your beard had grown so much. Your hair longer than I have ever seen it.

You a hardworking man.

You were gone most of the day and I began having separation anxiety and falling more into deep thoughts. Mom and dogs helped a lot. I wasn't alone and I had to keep reminding myself that.

In April/May.. I had planned a special trip for you. Your birthday coming up in a few months. And you planning a tiny trip for my birthday, I wanted to return the favor.

You always talked about Cali and hoping to go there someday together. I tried to make it happen. The week I got the car rental, AirBnb, and then the plane tickets.. I had tried to request it off from JCC and it was declined. I was told it was a Professional Developments week, a must attend. I was sad. Three/four months advance.. Three months planning. all gone.

I give up trying to surprise anymore but I still hope one day I can carry out one.

We were sitting on the floor in the basement when I told you. And to your spontaneous self and thought process to help me better understand my feelings and what would be best for me, had just said "lets do it. Let's go. and Everything else will fall into place." It was already an even more scarier time for me when I did not have a set job after quitting. Babysitting here and there..Applying for other jobs. It gave me something to do but my mental health was not getting better. I was looking forward to this trip.

I couldn't wait to be in the mountains with you and your friends.

High in the sky.

March came knocking.. We had no plans for it to arrive the way it did. Everything had shutdown. I remember my last day at the JCC March 26th. When they told us we would be quarantining.. going into lockdown but still get paid from the Community. I will be forever grateful for them during those few months.

They had started cancelling the games for you.. and then they cancelled the whole season due to Covid. Question after question.. the unknown.

Before lockdown was in place I had stayed a few nights already. Here and there. Cooking for family and spending time together. One night was a political debate. Mom and I clueless of what was going on.. And then the loud talking started. I sat there awkwardly. 3 Gorcoffs yelling. sounds like 20 people in the room. lol. But really. It didn't make Mom happy. She left and I remember sitting at the table. Hearing music. Not sure where it was coming from. I got up and saw her playing the piano. She really does play beautifully. I wish she would play more often. I couldn't help but cry. Out of complete muscle memory.. out of love.. she was playing and I loved every single bit of it. the dogs by her side as she was playing. Doors closed. Dementia was nowhere to be found.

It was our night to drive around the neighborhood. We got home and we sat in the car in the driveway.. You said you were falling in love. you were in love. you loved me. I didn't believe it at first. I was still in the process of does this guy really love me for me? who could ever love me? for all that I am and not? But in that moment. I had forgotten about all my insecurities and if I was enough. Because I knew I loved you too.

I felt sad because I knew I wouldn't be able to see you again. I would be going into lockdown with my parents and you with your parents.

My mum asked "Can you stay with him? we are old.. High risk.. My dad with Type 2 Diabetes.. You said yes. Your family said Welcome with some open arms. I felt bad but again very thankful. My parents were thankful. I had missed them so much though.

That was a beginning to a Spring/a Summer/ and a little bit of fall of living together..We might have moved fast. Cooking family dinners for 6. Vegan, Vegetarian and Meat. I actually started eating meat again because of your diet and cooking with it so much. 8 Years pescetarian..Let's go to Roosters! Lol DONE.

Because I got to stay with you and family, I learned much more about you. Your go to meals, Your sleeping ways, what erks you and what makes you happy.

I was growing to love you more and more each day.

Even when my mental health was worsening You were always patient and positive. You were always kind when I was unkind to myself. Your spirit reminded me to always be thankful. That we woke up another day with good health, a roof over our heads, food to eat, that we had another day together.

May snuck through the door and my 27th Birthday arrived. I don't think I could trust you anymore on "surprises" because I thought you were going to work when you were really going to get Donuts, a succulent (that is still living today) and a birthday card.

I cried at 7:30 am reading that card.

A hike at Potato Creek State Park. A trip to see two lovelies and a cutie pup. A night full of laughter, ice cream cake, wine. And a yum potato hashbrown french toast fruit salad breakfast. It was a short trip but man... to be in and feel this unconditional love.

That was the ultimate showing of love I've ever received.

I mean I truly loved you back in December.

But this was a deeper sense of love. A love I would always work hard for and express everyday forever.

New Years Eve, we said "okay, let's do this." New Years Day, we had skated at the Chiller Dublin where we first met and grew a liking to each other.

A month later we were taking our first trip out of town.

Athens, Ohio. Such a cutie little town. You got to meet the first set of gays that trip. My first time watching you ref College. My friends first time watching hockey (they loved it).

I felt bad this trip though. You were sick as a bean. Fever, chills, coughing. You got covid before they announced Covid was in Ohio. You still pushed through the games and still made it one of the best trips I'll always remember.

The cabin we stayed in was cutie. The way your face lit up when we walked through the caves. (I still can't believe you did not go to Hocking Hills for the time you have lived in Ohio). The music we played when we would cook. My first time cooking for you I believe.

I hope one day we can buy a cabin and escape to nature whenever.

But our first trip to Hocking is one I won't ever forget.

It was back to reality after the short trip away. You were still sick and I wish there was more I could do for you.

Dating a travelling USHL official was something I needed to get used to.

Weekends you were gone, Weekends I could travel with you, days you'd sleep in when I had to wake for work with toddlers.

January flew by and February greeted us and you asked me if I would go home to watch you ref. Home? Nebraska home? Family? Yes absolutely. We made it happen. I got to go to my favorite place with, so far, my most favorite person. The flight was easy and I loved every moment even though we got a poop car because you said multiple times how much you did not like this car. You chose a really nice place to stay. Like super nice. That's your job from now on until forever. Across from the ballpark I hope to take you to one day.

Ralston Arena will always hold some type of feeling in my heart lol. But really, My nephew, 10 years of age, has never watched a hockey game and for him to experience it was really cool.

Our time in Nebraska was short. I wish it was longer. But I'm glad you got to meet family, have real good pho and to break my back while wrestling.

February went quicker than January but not because of the its amount of days but all the fun I was having just spending time with you and family. Truly thankful for February and what brought our relationship closer.

Knock Knock.

March had just arrived at our door, exciting I was for when I saw it, my excitement disappeared.. it was not for good news.

We were not official but we talked a lot more.

We hung out a lot more too.

It was a high school hockey game and we had McDonalds but I still loved every minute of it.

My first night with you, breakfast the next morning. Met Mom and the dogs. That was love at first sight. Thankful for mom always and I don't think I could live life without her now.

Hangouts became dates and meeting more important people.

I was thankful for you but I still didn't feel right. A part of me felt you were going to up and leave because who would want to date someone with years of toxic relationships, mental health issues and self burden? I wasn't good enough and I knew for a fact 100%.

You didn't listen.

I think for someone stubborn as you.. of course you wouldn't. You kept pursuing me. I'm happy to this day that we have kept pursuing each other though.

In the month of December I was frustrated not knowing what we were. What we were becoming or if this was just short fling. I had to ask and truth is I hate asking. People had used me in the past. I didn't want to go through the whole cycle again. My family and best of friends saw me go through it too many times. My heart did not deserve that pain anymore.

Then it happened. I felt some weight lift off my shoulders.

I hope I wasn't getting into any trouble. I truly really liked you a lot and I saw a different side of me with you. A relationship I felt more patience with, more love and happiness with. I was in for the biggest most exciting adventure when we said yes to being boyfriend and girlfriend.

I have your snap when we made it official.

This was a different kind of relationship. This one filled with a whole lot of love, patience, kindness, hard work and trust.

Being in relationships over the years of having to constantly text and be with them or videochat or brag about on social media was a must.

This was different. You didn't text often, you'd be MIA for hours and hours. You traveled for Hockey. And when we were together it was a lot of phone time. I didnt know what I got myself into. Especially knowing someone else was trying to get to you so I didn't know who you wanted a relationship with.

This meant even if I liked you a lot, I was prepared to not be with you or feel any sadness from you. This meant if we were to be in a relationship, it was going to be so hard. You had to know that. I was and still am continuing to grow and that I had a history to put behind to move forward and which meant I had to get out of the mindset even though you are not talking to me it doesnt mean you hate me or that you don't want to talk.. you were just busy. You were busy a lot.

From just a few weeks. I grew out of what I had to do in my previous relationships and felt so much more still at ease in this relationship.

November flew.. We still talked on snapchat but I didnt see you much at the rink due to you working away out of town for hockey.

December came and I had to let go of a relationship I fought for but couldn't take on anymore. there was too much anger and impatience, toxicity, unhealthy. There was sadness but mostly a freeing heavy weight off the shoulders.

I took just a tiny bit of time to feel the peace I needed to be alone. Being surrounded by friends and family was most important. It felt nice. Freeing.

Then a question of hanging out. Am I moving too fast? Just friends hanging out. But considered date/hangout.

a planned zoo date but I cancelled. Don't remind me I know. I'm sorry.

a reschedule to Ikea/Poke Date and WOB for one. Just one. A kiss on the hand and

From here it was a rollercoaster of everything.

This I knew was going to be a very different relationship.

September hit.

My current relationship was still something I was fighting for.

I had just climbed my third mountain with an ex smoker. I was happy for him, but we came back to reality and I knew this wasn't meant to be anymore. I was miserable and me escaping to the rink and working late hours was what helped me.

It was another game at the Chiller Dublin.

Beard and all.

You did a bad thing. A very VERY bad thing.

I said "NOOOOOOO. You cannot do that!!"

and you said "But I have to, it has to happen and can't not do it!"

then you skated away.

Games were fun to scorekeep when you were there. No matter who your partner was.

I enjoyed watching you skate. I enjoyed you not calling any penalty unless it was ABSOLUTELY CRITCALLY needed to be called. I guess then you know you are good at your job. Or maybe you just didn't care. lol.

I found out then later I would be going to different rinks so I wouldn't see you anymore until whenever we ran into each other.

You walked in with a beard and your black suitcase of hockey gear.

Scorekeeping was my second role at the rink and I was waiting to start the game that I was early for.

Update:

I had just come back to Ohio from a 4-5 month leave in Nebraska when I was trying to get my life back together again and I decided to make the move back home.

It was one of my first shifts back that June. It was nice. I missed everyone and I knew coming back a different person and a new job with my old part time job would be fine.

(back to you)

You are a handsome guy. Funny too.

My first time working with you. Lucky to know your first and last name. I wasn't sure you knew mine. (But that's okay) Out of all the games I only remember you trying to tell me something through the hole in the wall of that glass. which to my broken ears could not understand for the life of me until you said

"You almost stopped the clock on 4:20. I looked up and it was 4:19."

I giggled.

You had to have been a stoner. High on life. I didn't know.

I just knew you were a cool guy, handsome and funny.

but we were both in relationships.

I'm 26 years old now. 27 when May hits.

I feel odd opening this part of my life back up but it's been a journey.

I've been in many more relationships and had my heart broken far too many times and now...

My life is finally calm and still.

I stil have a lot of growing up left to do.

People I know are rich, have their own place, have a good job, are married, have children. It's easy for them.

I'm nowhere near that.

Well.. I have a job. I'm in a ( and the most stable and easy and loving and caring and deserving) relationship that I am so thankful for.

As you don't know.. there is a pandemic going on right now. Covid-19 they call it and it's shifted a lot of my life around very much.

People wear masks. People have stocked up so much on tp and pt and hand sanitizer and emergen c medicine.

Some shelves at the store are completely empty.

No one is leaving the country or can't leave the country.

Everything is still. and I'm thankful for where I'm at but I'm also kind of scared because the year I finally wanted to work on myself and to grow as a better person and go back to school and get a better job and support myself and pay off loans and blah blah etc.

But I'm taking it day by day. As I think everyone should.

Here's to being back and writing.

My current bf asked if I was writing again and so here it is.