i hope your dream comes true, unless it's weird

I developed some disorders but always had the schizotypal thinking and personality. I've always been this way, forever. I have never been able to connect with people like others seem to do. I always considered consciousness and existence and everything in metaphysical ways, always have felt like an alien since I was around 8 or 9. My first internal memory is me wondering what vision is, and how we are living cameras.

Always a fascination with the ominous, danger, machines, electricity, dreams, subconsciousness, the universe, dimensions, time, sound, physics : the weird science parts of reality but in a religious way-

I was always genuine about it but people's negative reactions, judgement or disinterest quickly made me internalize the thought that my existence is offensive.

And then i buried myself because other people don't like it when i express myself. Finding so many things interesting, loving the odd stuff just like the mundane. Being a nerd and customizing everything about myself just to feel and have fun just brought vitriol upon me.

And i just craved friendship, connection, socializing so bad that I tried shutting down my own self looking for that. And besides that mistake, I could never ever get it, never socialize like others do. Because people doubted the authenticity of my feelings or opinions, my way of seeing or doing things, just thought i'm fake and a load of bollocks and I grew up expecting rejection

Then you have the paranoia, the constant "oh fuck they're talking about me, thinking about me", the constant "if i do this then everything will get better." "if i think about this then it wont happen" "this thing is a sign"

Every time I think about schizotypy I start freaking out about "oh god i feel like i have this. But i can't have this. Because People. I can't have this because then They Will Know. They're going to read my mind. If I have this then I must hide myself. If i'm seen acting naturally I'll be put in a straight jacket. Dan, you don't have that. come on now." and that just feels like proof that my personality is schizotypal lol

Hypermobility was something I doubted at first but then realized it made perfect sense. I must have read about schizotypal personality for 3 times as long yet my brain is still a little afraid to say THIS IS ME.

When I first heard about it my world went upside down and I felt so dizzy from learning that my truth IS the truth. but sure jan, you don't have schizotypal personality. Ok dan, go back to listening to your aux-incompatible ominous experimental music and thinking about air movements and the paths of light particles while worrying someone is watching you with a hidden camera and reading your thoughts you damn freak.

symptoms: odd ideas or disorganized thoughts/speech

looking odd or dressing in weird ways

eccentric thinking and behaving

ideas of reference, unusual perceptions

paranoia and social anxiety which grows with familiarity

psychotic periods happen, but rarely and under intense stress