໒𓊆◜˕◝𓊇𑁬

shedding one item at a time, the weight on your shoulders lightens, but you’re never fully free. first was your backpack, and then your winter coat, the extra sweater under that, and even as far as your shirt comes off too, all standing right in front of the door. despite the snow, your gloves peel off drenched in sweat, getting tossed into the basket. your feet feel like bricks, kicking off your shoes as you empty your pockets onto the table. you’re cold, from the outside in. your feet drag you to the kitchen, rummaging for whatever snack looks good. 

“home!” you shout, but your voice is weak and tired, chest refusing to heave. still, he hears you anyway — you can tell by the padded footsteps coming from the carpet of your bedroom and down the hall. despite all the lifted weight, you still aren’t light enough. your jeans are heavy, and he comes out right as you unbutton the pants, sliding them down your legs. the air of the house is cold – freezing against your bare skin. you ignore it, starting your snack journey again, and that’s when he catches you. 

“hi love- babe? what are you doing?” he stops in his tracks, wondering why you’re almost naked in the kitchen, holding two bags of chips and a sweet treat. 

“hungry,” you mumble through a mouthful of snacks. 

“you know that’s gonna make your stomach hurt,” he frowns, crossing his arms as he playfully taps his foot. your shoulders slump in a sigh, aggressively shoving the chips back to where you found them. 

“babe- that’s not what i meant. i’ll cook you dinner so that you’ll feel good after eating,” mingyu hurries to assure you, taking you in his arms. you can’t help but melt into his touch after your bad day, head leaning into his chest as his warm hands soothe your cold skin. his fingertips brush your waist in a way that makes you giggle and squirm, and he leans back to giggle with you. 

“go take a hot shower, yeah? i’ll get started on dinner,” he looks down at you like you’re the most precious thing in the world, kitchen lights glimmering in his eyes. you nod, and he places a soft kiss on your nose before sending you off. 

—

the hardwood floor is freezing against your bare feet, but the aroma flowing from the kitchen is so delicious that you pay no mind to it. your footsteps are light and no longer weighed down, almost tiptoeing into the kitchen to find mingyu at the stove, adding ground meat to a pot. soondubu. you don’t hide your smile, sneaking up behind him to wrap your arms around his waist. usually he jumps, but it seems like he knew you were there before you made yourself known. 

“have a good shower?” he asks, looking over his shoulder. you hum and nod, sharing the vibrations of your body. between the gas stove and his body heat, you’re warm — not just externally, but internally, as well. despite tears flowing down your face alongside the water in your shower, mingyu makes you forget everything that happened. 

“dinner will be ready in a few minutes. i made your favorite,” he unlatches you from his back to pull you into his side, placing a kiss on the top of your head. 

“i can see that, babe. thank you,” you snuggle into him one more time before detaching from him, sitting at the island across from the stove to watch him cook. his back muscles, unintentionally, or probably intentionally because it’s mingyu, flex with every movement — stirring inside the pot, adding the seasonings or the broth. your chin rests atop your palm as you wonder: how did you get so lucky with him? 

when he turns to place the hot bowl in front of you, your heart feels warm — warm from the soup and the look on his face when he serves you. you want to thank him, jump across the island and kiss him to death, but you don’t; you don’t have to, because nothing says thank you like enjoying the meal he cooked for you. he sits next to you, palm on his cheek as he watches you eat, occasionally reaching out to stroke your cheek or your hair. 

“you’re so pretty,” he grins, a faint blush visible on his cheeks. 

“i look wrecked.”

“you look like you. and i love you.” he always knows just what to say, doesn’t he?

your heart melts, an “i love you too,” escaping as you scoot your chair closer to him to lean into his chest. and he holds you. warm from the soup and warm from his touch, there’s no one else you’d rather come home to.

a/n: who was gonna tell me making smaus was this fun…. also idk if i should make this a series or post more parts yet so if u like it PLEASE lmk 🙏

You had not seen the face of an airport in the last five years, yet on one cold October night, you stood before the arrivals gate, your gaze fixed on the large screen displaying the status of incoming flights.

San Francisco → Seoul (Landed 09:45)

Seungkwan buzzed in excitement beside you, jumping every other second. He had expressed his impatience a dozen times since you reached, and you felt bad that you couldn't reciprocate his enthusiasm. You were trying, every second, to not drown into your anxiety. 

Air seemed to not fully reach your lungs when your eyes spotted him many meters away, pushing the trolley of his luggage past the arrival gate. 

A shaky breath left your mouth, and your nails dug in your palms as his warm eyes found yours from afar. Then he smiled — the soft, knowing smile that made you forget everything all those years ago. The smile that still made him feel like the only person in a sea of people.

In that moment, you decided that you were not ready for Jeonghan’s presence in your life again. 

“Hi,” you heard Jeonghan's voice for the first time in years as he greeted you with a smile. He looked slightly worn out, but beautiful nevertheless, with his hair grown to touch the nape of his neck now.

You really thought you had it all figured out in these six years — that you had moved way past the point of hopelessly being in an unrequited love with him. But you had never been so wrong. 

“Hi,” you greeted back with a formal smile that didn't quite reach your eyes. You avoided looking at him, at the way he was dressed casually in a white button down yet looked far above average. He tugged at your heartstrings all the same, making you hate yourself for agreeing to come to the airport. 

Jeonghan didn't speak to you more than that, even though he looked like he wanted to. You were glad he didn't, because all you wanted was to cry your lungs dry. 

Seungkwan was busy chatting him up, and stuffing his luggage in your car. He had begged you every single day since he found out Jeonghan was coming, to take him to the airport in your brand new car. For a long time, you denied him, planning in your head to not meet Jeonghan for as long as he'd stay. But on a particularly loud day, when Seungkwan told you that there's no way you'd be able to avoid Jeonghan, so better face him headfirst, you agreed. 

It wasn't really because you wanted to see Jeonghan again. You wanted to test where you stood, and the results weren't much shocking. You had known that you never really got over all that you should bury, so knowing that your heart still squeezed at the sight of him wasn't surprising.

What was surprising was seeing how much Jeonghan had changed too. 

His long, silky hair made him feel like someone straight out of a movie, and his matured features somehow turned him manly. He lost the teasing spark in his eyes that was permanent five years ago. There was no sudden tilt of his lips at any point during the drive to his hotel, and no mocking jab thrown at anyone. He did talk to Seungkwan about soccer, and the weather, and his new hair all while you were just a silent driver. 

One thing that hadn't changed about him was how uncaring he looked. Like a wall of steel could lodge itself in front of your car and he wouldn't bat an eye. 

You felt invisible to him. 

And maybe he thought it was kindness on his part— to rid you of his presence despite sitting right behind you. You were relieved about it, but it also hurt to still not be the subject of his attention. 

When you parked outside his hotel, he muttered a thank you and got off while still speaking to Seungkwan. You stared at him through the rearview mirror, suddenly the events of the last six years raining down on you. 

***

After Jeonghan left, everything went downhill. 

The whole friend group he'd somehow gathered here fell apart. Chaeyoung, your only best friend, turned against you and suddenly you'd become the bad character in everybody's lives. 

Chaeyoung baselessly claimed you'd ruined her chance with Joshua, accused you of being a bad friend just because she thought you and Jeonghan had something going on and you hadn't told her. You became the new slut who claimed Jeonghan, and everybody hated you. 

For a while, the absence of Chaeyoung did bother you. You were already going through a heartbreak, and a close friend walking out of your life at that point wasn't something you'd expected. 

But the only two people who became your strength were your mother, and Seungkwan. Your mom made your favourite dish every two days, and Seungkwan brought you ice cream whenever he noticed you were particularly down. You never heard them say affectionate things to you, or outright discuss your heartbreak, but they were still there for you in all the ways that you needed them to be. 

The group chat was only alive for a few weeks after Jeonghan left, and then you were left to stare at what once was. Jeonghan never texted you, so you didn't either. You knew he still sometimes stayed in touch with Seungkwan, but your brother never talked about him.

It was good in a way, not having him in your life. It made moving on easier. 

You passed the college entrance exam with flying colors, and started your Psychology degree like you'd always dreamed. You found new friends, thrived in classes, and started basking in the beauty of life again. 

Some nights, you still missed Jeonghan, and cried about the what ifs. But they weren't enough to steal your spark anymore. 

Six years passed by, and you started working as an assistant clinical psychologist in one of the largest hospitals of Seoul. It had only been a few months till you heard the name Yoon Jeonghan from your mom's mouth. 

And suddenly, despite the new season, you were transported to the exact realm from six years ago. 

***

The knock on your window brought you back to reality, and you quickly rolled it down to see Jeonghan looking at you. This was the closest he'd been to you in years. You felt chills run down your spine at the way you could hear his exhale. 

“Hi,” he said again with a small smile this time. You swallowed the lump forming in your throat, and smiled back at him. “Hello, again.” 

There was silence for a few seconds that would've turned awkward if Jeonghan didn't chuckle under his breath and subtly push his hair back. Seungkwan called for him from the entrance of the hotel, and he sighed. “I just wanted to say…” he paused, his eyes locking on yours. “Thank you for driving me.” 

Before you could even respond, he was running off to Seungkwan. In that moment, you told yourself that you were going to avoid Yoon Jeonghan at all costs. 

***

Avoiding Jeonghan was easy. 

Your mom likely invited him to her place, but with you having moved out, it wasn't a problem. There was no grand friend group anymore, so there were no hangouts you were forced to go to. 

The only constant reminder of him was Seungkwan because everytime you texted him, he was either with Jeonghan, or planning to be with him. 

So it was easy, or so you thought. 

Not a week after his arrival, you found him leaning to your car in the parking lot of your hospital. 

You were startled to say the least, seeing him standing there like you were both still in the living room of your house five years ago. He was clad in a black button down and dark jeans, his long hair brushing his shoulders anytime he tilted his head. 

His eyes caught yours across the parking lot, and he smiled. You felt yourself dying a little on the inside, and coming to the conclusion that he still had the same impact on you. Nothing changed. 

He stayed at his place for a second longer, probably expecting you to walk towards him. But you didn't. You were frozen at your place, just basking in the heartbreak that seemed to follow you like a shadow. 

“Do I look like a ghost?” He asked, stopping in front of you. You looked up at him, gulping past the lump in your throat while your heart roared. You shook your head wordlessly. 

“Why do you seem so startled then?” He tilted his head to a side, his lips tilting in that infuriating smile you remembered all too well. 

“I’m—” you began, clearing your throat. “I am startled. I didn't expect you to be here.” 

“Why?” He was quick to question. “Because you've been trying hard to avoid me?” 

You blinked up at him, startled once again at how blunt he was. This wasn't very Jeonghan of him. 

“I haven't—” you paused, exhaling through your nose almost frustratingly. You did not like explaining this whole thing. “I wasn't avoiding you. I just don't think we had a reason to meet. And I'm busy.” 

“Okay? Ouch.” He hit his heart dramatically, and suddenly, you felt your head bursting. You also did not like how he was acting so normal. How things ended for the both of you was not normal at all. 

“Jeonghan, I need to go.” You said through a forced smile, and brushed past him to walk to your car. You felt the warmth of him touch your arm, and then his fingers wrapped around your wrist, stopping you. You craned your neck to look at your hand, and found him still turned the other way. 

“Jeonghan?” 

You heard him sigh, and turn to face you, taking a step closer but not leaving your wrist. His hold softened instead, thumb brushing your wrist bone so tenderly that you couldn't even pull back. He was so warm, and so comforting, and his touch calmed you in a way nothing ever had. God, you had missed him. The realization was devastating. 

“You weren't anywhere I went.” He said, his eyes somehow vulnerable. “Not at your mom's place. Not at Chaeyoung’s. Not at the ice cream shop we visited. Not even at the beach Seungkwan took me to. Why?” 

You took a second to process his words, and once you did, your temper flared. You could vision yourself pulling his long hair and punching him so hard that he bled, but in your cruel reality, you stayed rooted to your spot. You could feel your jaw clenching in anger, and you hated that your eyes were watering in front of him. 

“Are you really asking me that?” You said through gritted teeth, twisting your wrist out of his hold. “Are you really asking me why I don't want to see your face after you broke my heart?” 

There was a flash of hurt on Jeonghan's face, and if you weren't so angry, you'd regret your words. You understood that liking you wasn't in his control, you'd spent six years understanding that. But it was true that he did break your heart. He shouldn't be expecting you to be exactly the person you were before. 

Before he could answer and your tears could roll down your cheeks, you turned and opened your car door, ready to zoom away from him. 

***

You couldn't go far away from Jeonghan. 

No matter how much you tried to avoid him, he came back everywhere like a plague. 

It went on for days. He'd show up in front of the hospital, standing afar silently till you noticed him. Then he'd try to walk upto you, but you always slipped away quicker. You were terrified of him reaching you and breaking your heart again. 

“Ma’am?” 

The cashier called out to you, making you jump up at the voice. You blinked at him, then looked at the plastic bag he was holding. You were so wrapped up in your thoughts that you didn't realize he'd been waiting. 

Quickly slipping him the money, you took the bag and stepped out into the cold night. It was more windy than usual, making your hair fly almost annoyingly. You wished you'd brought a hair tie. 

As if on cue, a palm appeared in front of you holding a simple black hair tie. Startled, you took a step back and looked up to find Jeonghan peering down at you. “You look like you need it.” 

You stared at him for a second longer, processing his presence before you realized how his hair was also flowing with the wind. It was unfair how beautiful he looked, hair messy and the streetlight reflecting on his sharp cheekbone. 

“No, thanks.” You looked away from him, but in a blink, he was standing behind you, his slender fingers threading in your hair to gather it. “No, thanks,” he repeated your tone. “You need this. Don't move, please.” 

Even if he didn't ask you, moving wasn't something you were capable of with his hands softly tying your hair. Suddenly, your heart was too big for your chest, and you wanted to run away from him. You hated being putty in his hands, being so helpless that it ceased your movements. 

He stood in front of you now, your hair tied in a low ponytail. “I think I did a decent job.” 

You sucked in a sharp breath, feeling a droplet of water touch your skin. “Jeonghan—” 

“Please listen to me this time,” he all but begged, his eyes earnest and voice low. You found yourself feeling helpless again, just standing there and watching him. Another droplet hit your skin. And then another. 

“I've spent a long time trying to find the courage you had all those years ago, and I know I have a lot to be sorry for, but please just don't shut me out for once, Y/N.” He said, a drop of water shining on his eyelashes now. It made you want to step closer and kiss it, but you trembled at the thought. You tilted your head to a side helplessly, droplets of rain drizzling around you. “Why don't you understand, Jeonghan?” 

“What do I not understand?” 

“That if I stay here one more second with you, I'll—” you paused, letting a shaky breath leave your lips. “I'll fall in love with you again.” 

“And you won't,” you said, your voice dropping with your heart. “Again.” 

“I love you,” left Jeonghan's mouth in a rush, almost if those words were always at the edge, threatening to escape any moment. He took a step closer to you, his hands reaching for you but then dropping, and he looked so, so tired that you wished to let him rest in your arms. 

You blinked up at him slowly, the rain falling louder around you both now. He was close, so close that if you moved, you'd bump into him. 

“I love you,” he muttered again, his voice barely audible against the rain that drenched you. That was when your brain registered the proceedings, decoding the three magical words painfully slow. I. Love. You. 

Those were words you'd dreamt to hear all your life, and for the past six years, specifically from Jeonghan’s mouth. You'd had dreams about it, and you'd sat with yourself in empty libraries daydreaming about how it'd feel if he loved you back. But nothing could've prepared you for the way it actually felt. 

Your knees buckled at the impact, and you couldn't even care about the fact that you were drenched and cold. You just stared up at him with blank eyes, basking in the disbelief that came with the sincerity of his confession. “What?” 

“Can I touch you?” He asked, his fists clenching at his sides like he was physically paining to not be able to hold you. “Can I hold your face, please?” 

You continued to blink up at him slowly, suddenly thinking that everything felt too much like a fever dream. Only, dreams couldn't be heard, and you could hear everything from the sound of his breath to the sound of rain. 

“Jeonghan—” 

“Please?” 

“You can.” You muttered, heart threatening to beat out of your chest. His hands softly came in contact with your wet face, thumb involuntarily caressing your cheekbone. 

“God, I love you.” He said again, as if now that he said it, he wasn't able to stop. You wanted to cry. You wanted to lay down on the street, letting the rain wash over you while you cried your heart out. Why was he saying this? Why was he making your heart hurt more? 

He took in a sharp breath, noting your silence and deciding to say all that he'd thought of in the past six years. 

“I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all that I'm about to say, for the past six years, and for the night you laid your heart out to me. I'm sorry for everything, but I need you to know that—” he paused, his eyes roaming all over your face. Another sharp intake of a breath before he continued, “—that I've loved you since the night you told me your name. I’ve—” 

“Jeonghan, no.” 

“—loved you desperately and hopelessly and I've been a fucking idiot. I was so scared of so many things and I—” 

“Stop. Jeonghan, stop. Shut up.” 

“I didn't think I was good enough for you. I lied that I found someone else incredible. There's no one in this world I can find more incredible than you, Y/N. I swear to—” 

You had had enough. You freed yourself from his hold, pushing him away harshly as you yelled. “I SAID SHUT UP!” 

Jeonghan wasn't startled at your outburst. He just shut his eyes, his frame loosening like he'd expected this. Like he knew you'd react like this the moment he confessed. 

“How can you—” you began, tripping over your own words as hot tears gushed down your cheeks, mixing with the rain. “How can you even say all of this now? Do you think you'd say this and I'd come running into your arms? Is that what you think of me?!” 

“No—” 

“No!” You cut him off, “I don't want to hear anything else. I just— I'm disgusted, Jeonghan. I feel so pathetic for ever telling you I liked you. I hate myself for it. How easy was it for you to break my heart? To lie to me? Did you really think my feelings were a joke?” 

Jeonghan tried to take a step closer to you, his head shaking wordlessly. But you held up your palm, stopping him. “Don't you dare come close to me. I won't allow you to ruin me again. You don't get to leave my life as you please and re-enter as you please.” 

Your fingers harshly pulled at the hair tie, and you threw it on the wet ground in front of him. And then, with tears streaming down your face, you turned to run away from him, again. 

***

“Take care! I’ll see you next week,” you smiled at your last client for the day, waiting till she shut the door behind her before you slumped back in your chair. The white ceiling above your head seemed to haunt you as Jeonghan swirled in front of your eyes. 

You'd barely slept ever since yesterday, having cried your eyes out for the first time since he'd come back. You didn't even know what to feel about all that he said, whether to believe him or the voices in your head. 

All you'd wished six years ago was this — Jeonghan loving you back. Now that it was somehow real, you couldn't believe it. You couldn't fathom the thought of being loved by him all these years, and being lied to, and being rejected for his insecurities. 

Your phone buzzed on your desk, diverting your attention. Sighing, you picked it up, heart stopping at the texts from Seungkwan. 

Kwannie: can u pick me up from jeonghan’s hotel 

Kwannie: he fell sick so i came here to give him medicine 

Your heart dropped. Sitting upright, you stared into nothingness for a while, remembering the events of last night. He had been in the rain. Of course, he fell sick. 

Without another thought, you stood up, grabbing your car keys and rushing out. Any worries of your own flew out of the window. For now, all that you cared about was making sure Jeonghan felt okay. 

***

238 

The number plate stared at you, making you realize where you'd landed with a bag of hot porridge in your hand.  

Just because you were worried. 

You licked your lips, taking a few deep breaths and contemplating what to do. Should you go in after all that happened? Maybe you should just call Seungkwan and tell him to come out. You came here to pick him up, after all. Or that's what you told yourself. 

Before you could decide how to run away, the door flew open and Seungkwan stared at you with surprise evident on his face. You couldn't even register his words, but you knew that he yelled your name loud enough for Jeonghan to hear. 

“Uh I just came to pick you up,” you muttered, gesturing for him to lower his voice. But what was Seungkwan if not loud? He yelled again, pulling you in by the hand and shutting the door. “You brought porridge! Thank goodness, because he wasn't eating at all!” 

It wasn't an exceptionally large hotel room. Past the kitchenette, you saw Jeonghan sitting on the bed, his legs sprawled ahead and a fluffy pillow stacked behind his back. His closed eyes fluttered open at the noise, meeting yours across the room. You noticed a flicker of surprise pass his features before his lips softened into a small smile. 

Seungkwan mumbled something about the microwave not working as he tried to heat up the porridge. You cleared your throat, looking away from Jeonghan's sick face and stopping beside Seungkwan to help him. 

“Seungkwan,” you heard Jeonghan's rough voice call out, “I think the medicine you brought is the wrong one. Could you grab the right one? There's a store downstairs.” 

You nearly dropped the bowl of porridge, turning to look at him. He wasn't looking at you, instead examining the medicine box. Seungkwan looked at you, and then back at him before quickly nodding. “Sure, I'll get it. Text me the details.” 

Jeonghan finally looked up, glancing at you briefly before smiling at Seungkwan. “Thank you.” 

You opened your mouth to protest, but the wink Seungkwan threw your way promptly shut you up. No, you couldn't be alone with Jeonghan again. 

But you heard the door beep shut while you stood there with the bowl of porridge in your hands and a bursting heart. 

You didn't turn at the shuffling that indicated Jeonghan was getting off the bed. Was he walking towards you? 

“You can have a seat,” he said, gesturing to the small couch in front of the bed. You bit your lip, trying hard to steady your heartbeat but failing.

“No,” you muttered, turning around to find him seated at the couch. He had left enough room for you to sit, but you just walked ahead, extending the porridge to him. “I only came to give you this. Not to sit.” 

He looked at the bowl in your hand, then back at you. “Were you worried?” 

You blinked at him slowly, looking at his half disheveled state. You dropped the bowl on the small table beside him, and folded your arms. “No, I wasn't worried. You don't even look sick.” 

He exhaled a breath, and leaned ahead to causally hold your wrist. He pulled your hand to touch his burning forehead, endearing eyes looking up at you like he was a puppy. “Do you still believe I'm not sick?” 

You blinked at him owlishly for a second, the touch of his burning skin sending chills down your spine. 

Electrified, you pulled your hand away and averted your gaze from him. The air in the hotel room suddenly felt suffocating, and you felt warmth bloom on your cheeks. “Fine, you— I believe you're sick. Now just eat. I'll go.” 

“Hey,” came Jeonghan's voice in a pleading murmur. “How many times do I have to beg?” 

Your heart squeezed at the way his voice crumpled, his eyes oh so desperate as he looked at you. You knew you'd fall weak, so you looked down at your feet. “I don't want you to beg. I just don't think I understand you very well, and I never will.” 

“I'll make you understand,” he said quickly, standing up in front of you. “I'll explain myself. Just give me a chance, please.” 

You stared at him through your lashes, noticing the desperation on his face that was somehow more visible now. “You're begging again.” 

“I'd beg you all my life if that's what you want,” his respone came quicker than before, his slender fingers wrapping around your hand again, softly holding it as if that would prove his words. “I promise. But just listen to me for once. After that, if you still don't understand me, I'll disappear from your life and never show you my face again.” 

The words slapped you harsh across the face, jolting your heart like never before. What if Jeonghan disappeared from your life? What if you indeed never saw him again? Even though you had spent six years without his presence in your life, the thought strangely scared you. 

You looked down, swallowing the lump in your throat. “Take two steps back and talk. I don't want to be sick as well.” 

You thought your words were mean, but the smile that touched Jeonghan's lips was unmatchable. He calculatively took two steps back, leaning against the white wall behind him. 

“I'm sorry,” he said, eyes never leaving yours. “For hurting you. For not taking the chance when you wanted me to. For the six years that passed in between. I'm really sorry, and I know my apology won't fix anything but—” 

“I need you to explain why you lied to me, Jeonghan.” You interrupted, your voice not louder than a few decibels. He exhaled, swallowing his words before forming new ones for you. “I was a stupid boy. I had never felt what I felt for you, and I hoped you wouldn't feel the same because then I could just go back and live with my feelings.” 

“But you did feel the same. You were brave enough to tell me that. And I was terrified of hurting you. I was— I thought I was horrible and you were perfect in every way and that we didn't match and that I'd end up hurting you eventually and you'd hate me. I had to go back and nothing would've been the same.” 

“So you decided that the best outlet for your insecurities would be hurting me?” You asked, your eyebrows pinched in slight anger. Jeonghan took in a sharp breath, as if the words were hurtful to him. As if having hurt you hurt him more. 

“No,” he shook his head. “I thought temporarily hurting you would save you from a bigger hurt.” 

You let out a cruel laugh, rolling your tongue in your cheek. Jeonghan immediately continued, terrified of you turning your back on him in anger again. “I know it was stupid and wrong. I'm not and I will never justify it. But my point is,” he paused, making you meet his eyes. “Please give me a chance to prove myself this time.” 

“What? So you can temporarily hurt me again?” You barked, sarcasm laced in your tone. He helplessly shook his head. “Let me prove I'm not an insecure 20 year old boy this time.” 

“Oh really?” You folded your arms, every muscle of your body tense. “How will you do that?” 

“By pursuing you,” he muttered. “I'll take you out properly, and I'll treat you like you're meant to be treated. I'll be a man to you, and I promise the final choice will be yours.” 

You stared at him dumbly, your anger evaporating into thin air. You didn't know what to say, how to believe him, and how to stop the sudden, intense flutter in your heart. This was what you'd wanted six years ago, and what you'd dreamed of during the six years. Now it was happening, and you were mindblown. 

“Will you trust me, love?” 

Your cheeks reddened at the nickname, making you question if you were ever even angry at him. How could he melt you in a puddle of goo so easily? 

Despite the butterflies in your stomach, you couldn't believe you were finally grasping the very fragile thing you'd always wanted. Your emotions were all over the place, and you didn't know when your eyes started watering. “Hug me, Jeonghan.” You muttered, your heart squeezing in your chest.

You watched his eyes visibly widen, blinking at you for a while. He wondered if you'd said it mistakenly, or if you wanted to take it back. But you didn't. You just stared at him with watery eyes, basking in the possibility of him being yours. 

“I'm sick—” he tried to speak, but you shut your eyes, your voice coming out in a slower whisper. “Shut up and hold me, please.” 

Jeonghan could be a self-centered, witty bastard for all he cared, but he couldn't fathom the way your plea tugged at his heart. He could rob a bank, hell even kill a man but not keep you waiting. 

So he crossed the distance, his arms enveloping you whole softly. Your forehead rested on his shoulder, your arms still falling limp by your side. A weak sob ripped through your throat, making Jeonghan tighten his hold around you. “Why are you crying, love?” 

“Because you're calling me love,” you muttered, closing your eyes and letting your tears fall freely for once. If you were to be honest with yourself, you also didn't know why exactly were you crying. Maybe it was because you couldn't believe your reality, or maybe you were still scared of being hurt. Or perhaps Jeonghan alone was enough of a reason behind your tears. 

“Will you stop crying if I don't say it?” He asked, his hand coming up to the back of your head. You shook your head against him, “I don't know, Jeonghan. I'm scared. I don't want to be hurt again. I don't know how to believe you. I don't know anything.” 

Jeonghan shut his eyes briefly, his heart squeezing at your words. He softly pulled away, bending down to meet your eyes and wipe your tears. “Do you need some time to figure it all out?” 

You shook your head again. “I trust you. But that doesn't mean—” you paused, sniffing and hearing his questioning hum. You clenched your jaw, “That doesn't mean I'm yours. Pursue me all you want but I'm only going to decide after giving it some time.” 

Jeonghan's lips lifted in a smile. “I'll wait till you decide to be mine. But I'm all yours. Lean on me whenever you want, take me, use me, kill me. Do anything you wish.” 

You tightened the muscles around your mouth to not smile, quickly turning the other way and wiping your eyes. “I'm gonna be sick because of you!” 

You heard him chuckle behind you, his hands softly coming to rest on your shoulders so he could lead you to sit on the couch. “That means we rest together.” 

“In your dreams.” 

Somewhere inside your bag, your phone lit up with a notification. 

Kwannie: are u guys done 

Kwannie: im waiting downstairs 

Kwannie: stop your low standard romance and take me home! 

***

“I changed my mind.” You said, staring straight ahead at Jeonghan who sat across the table. His eyes averted from the menu to look up at you, his brows furrowed.

You'd spent the last week hurled up in your apartment, trying to process all that happened. Credit to your good immunity, you didn't fall sick, but Jeonghan did take two more days to get better. 

As soon as you'd left his hotel room, he bombarded your phone with texts, sending you restaurants you could choose from for your first date. He also mentioned that you could take your time and he wasn't in a hurry, so you did indeed take a whole week to yourself. 

At first it felt extremely unreal. All you could think about were his words, the intensity in his eyes and his touch. You grew to want more of all of it, and on Saturday when Jeonghan showed up to your door in a sleek black car, you couldn't sit back anymore. 

“About what?” He asked when you didn't elaborate. Sighing, you looked down at the cutlery on the table, your thoughts jumbled once again. “I don't think we can work out. You'll have to go back eventually, and I'm not sure if long distance is something I want.” 

Jeonghan dropped the menu on the table, his eyes softening. “Do you think I'd have said all that I said if I had to go back?” 

Your eyes lifted to meet his, face morphed in surprise before a soft realization dawned on you. “You're not going back?” 

He shook his head, lips curving in a smile you adored. “Never going away from you again.” 

A flutter and then many erupted in your stomach, your eyes instantly looking down due to the intensity of his gaze. “But your job. Your house— you can't forever drive a rental car. You can't live in a hotel. It's all—” 

His hand rested on top of yours, instantly calming your nerves and causing you to look at him. “That's my car. I bought it. I'm looking for a job, and an apartment. Most of the paperwork is done. I've got everything covered. Don't worry.” 

You stared at him in surprise again, unable to believe he really had it all so thoroughly settled. Maybe this really wasn't the twenty year old boy you'd fallen in love with. This was a responsible, mature man who worked for what he wanted. 

With warm cheeks, you gazed back down, feeling a tingle run down your spine. You crossed your legs, and cleared your throat, “Okay, I guess. What are we ordering?” 

“What do you want?” 

“I'll just have what you have,” you muttered. He furrowed his brows, staring at the menu for a few seconds longer. “Should we get Bolognese? It's new on the menu. You like trying new stuff.” 

You cocked a single brow at him. “How may you know that, mister?” 

Jeonghan grinned, gesturing towards the waiter who came running. “I have my sources.” 

You pursed your lips together, mentally cursing Seungkwan while watching Jeonghan order your food. Once the waiter left, he turned back to you with an infuriating smile. “Don't kill Seungkwan.” 

“What the fuck?” You yelped. “You can't hear my thoughts, can you?” 

He laughed softly, amused at your reaction. His voice smoothed into a teasing tone. “And what if I can?” 

“Shut up,” you rolled your eyes, “You haven't changed, after all.” 

“Well,” he sighed, tilting his head in a way that made him look extra attractive. “What can I do? You like me like this.” 

Your ears burned at the way he spoke, and at the way his eyes didn't move from your face. Licking your lips, you cleared your throat. “Who said anything about liking you, sir? Don't flatter yourself.” 

The corner of Jeonghan's lips curled in a small smirk, almost as if he was proud of seeing right through you. For a second, you thought crying over him was better than whatever he was making you feel right now. He leaned across the table, his thumb softly brushing your cheekbone. “I think you had an eyelash there.”

If it was possible, your cheeks burned even more, fingers deftly brushing the skin where his touch was a second ago. 

Before you could respond, the waiter cleared his throat to get both your attention. It felt like he'd been waiting for a few seconds, observing how you two were immersed in each other.

Jeonghan muttered an apology to him, letting him set your food in front of you. Once he was gone, Jeonghan gestured for you to start eating. 

With your heart leaping up to your throat, you didn't really know how you'd eat. But when you did take a bite, you couldn't help humming in appreciation. “This is really good.” 

“I know right,” Jeonghan smiled at you mid-bite, unable to take his eyes off of you. 

For a while, it became quiet. Not awkwardly so. You just enjoyed your food, trying to not blush everytime Jeonghan looked your way. 

“Do you think—” 

Jeonghan's statement was brutally cut off when you heard a loud, infectious voice call out your name. You looked up to see Seokmin rushing towards you, his arms spread wide. “Oh my God, it's so good to see you! Give me a hug, come on!” 

The smile that made its way to your lips burned Jeonghan's heart. You pushed your chair back, getting up even before Seokmin reached your table. You met him halfway in a tight hug, hearing his contagious laugh. “Minnieeee, I've missed you!” 

He pulled away, his lips formed in a pout you'd known for all your college years. “I missed you more! You've just been so busy.” 

You matched his pout — a habit you'd developed while being with him. “What can I do? Work is really hectic.” 

“I'm Jeonghan,” you heard Jeonghan's voice beside you, his hand extended towards Seokmin. 

You blinked, not expecting Jeonghan to casually come up and interrupt your conversation like that. Seokmin’s brows raised as he shook his hand warmly with a smile. “Hi Jeonghan. I'm Seokmin. Y/N’s best friend from college! Why do I think I've heard your name before?” 

Oh no. 

“No Minnie! You haven't,” you interrupted immediately. “He's just my mom’s friend's son. Of course you haven't heard—” 

“The one from the states? You did tell me—ow!” 

You pinched his side, smiling sickeningly at him in a gesture that begged him to shut up. “Really? I don't remember. I don't think I ever mentioned him.” 

Jeonghan's jealousy slightly evaporated, replaced by amusement as he folded his arms and watched you with a smirk on his face. 

“God okay, I get your hint.” Seokmin muttered, remembering all about your heartbreak when you narrated it to him. His gaze was suddenly pointed when he looked at Jeonghan, his tone laced with sarcasm. “Nice to meet you, Jeonghan.” 

Jeonghan ignored, or maybe he didn't even hear because his eyes remained rooted to your red face. You glared at him, your head cocking towards Seokmin. “He's saying something, Jeonghan.” 

“Oh,” left his mouth in realization as he finally averted his gaze to look at Seokmin. “Oh yeah. Very nice to meet you too, indeed.” 

Seokmin's displeasure was written all over his face as he scoffed. “Sure.” 

Jeonghan raised a hand to pat his shoulder. “You don't have to hate me or worry about your best friend, Seokmin. I won't be hurting her anymore.” 

Damn his quick wit. 

You blushed harder, shutting your eyes tight. Seokmin looked at you once before scoffing again. “I'm surprised she's on a date with you when you hurt her that bad before. It doesn't even matter if you won't anymore.” 

“Minnie,” you called out to him, your voice turning softer. “You can trust me.” 

Seokmin sighed, looking at Jeonghan who was entirely smiling. “Sure. If he does hurt you though, just give me a call and I'll get five people to turn him bald.” 

You chuckled, and Jeonghan couldn't help smiling too. “I love my hair so hopefully that won't happen.” 

“Yeah well, now I'll take my leave. My girl is waiting for me,” he said, quickly giving you a short hug before contemplating whether to hug Jeonghan or not. Then as if deciding against it, he just waved his hand and ran off. 

You exhaled, eyes traveling to Jeonghan's face who had an infuriating smirk back on his face. “You backbit me in front of your friends?” 

You rolled your eyes, moving to sit back on your chair. “If you don't stop being smug about everything Jeonghan, I will dump you.” 

He grinned, biting his lower lip before coming back to sit in front of you. “I doubt.” 

“I'm leaving.” 

“Okay okay, sorry! Finish your food, love.” 

You couldn't help doing as he said. You were putty in his hands, after all. 

***

It was 6 in the morning and your head was bursting.

You barely got any sleep all night, thanks to your new next door neighbor who decided it was a good time to move in after midnight. It was noisy to say the least but thankfully it faded somewhere around 4, which led you to get a peaceful two hours of sleep until 6am. 

You could hear banging from the other side of the wall, as if someone was hammering several nails. It made you want to knock on the next door and be as rude to your new neighbor as you could. 

Except when the door of the unit beside yours opened, you were baffled. 

Jeonghan stood between the ajar door, his hair damp, and his white shirt unbuttoned completely. You dared not to let your gaze travel down the smooth lines of his subtle abs that peeked at you like an uninvited guest. He had a hammer in his hand, as he smirked at you. “Good morning, love.” 

You coughed, covering your mouth with the back of your hand before meeting your eyes. “Good morning. What- you-” you paused, your cheeks warm as you tried to breathe in properly. “What are you doing here?” 

“You mean what am I doing in my own apartment?” He asked, his head tilted to the side. You gulped, “You— you moved here? I mean—” 

“Yeah,” he smiled. “I didn't think there was a better place to rent than an apartment next to yours. You see, I couldn't live in a hotel forever.” 

You blinked slowly at him, his words loading slower in your brain because of the distraction caused by his appearance. “Oh.” 

“Come in,” he stepped aside, inviting you in with an angelic grin. You quickly shook your head, feeling a tingle run down your spine. “I've got work. I'll just— head back.” 

You saw a small pout forming on his lips. “I thought we could have breakfast together.” 

“Maybe some other time,” you said quickly, eyes accidentally traveling to his visible skin again before quickly averting. You turned to walk before remembering what you actually knocked this door for. 

Quickly, you turned back to find him still smiling at you. “It's not very nice to hammer your walls so early in the morning. I was trying to get some sleep.” 

His features scrunched in concern instantly, “I'm so sorry. I didn't realize these walls were that dense.” 

“It's okay,” you muttered and turned to leave again. A sigh left you before you rotated on your heels for the third time. “And do you open your door with your shirt unbuttoned all the time?” 

That made Jeonghan smirk in his usual way, his arms folding against his chest. The posture alone caused you to step back, smiling tight lipped. “Nevermind, actually. Don't answer that.” 

“Hey!” He called out, chuckling. “I'll drive you to the hospital, okay? Don't leave by yourself.” 

“No, you don't have to worry, I'll—” you were cut off when he softly added, “Please? I insist.” 

You couldn't help the smile that found its way to your lips, abandoning all common sense. “Okay,” you muttered almost shyly, thousands of butterflies dancing in your stomach as you walked back to your apartment. 

***

The next date you went on was at a theater, and probably your worst date ever. 

Not because of Jeonghan. No. He'd been an exceptional company even if he focused more on the movie than you. Your date was bad because of the creepy monsters growling on the screen. You tried, every second, to not sink in your seat and die. 

You couldn't let Jeonghan know you were scared.Terrified, actually. That would be embarrassing, and the least you wanted right now was for your cheeks to turn red. Besides, he was far too focused on the villain origin of this creepy monster. 

“Hannie,” you let the nickname slip for the first time ever, not even realizing it happened. He forgot all about the monster, his neck craning to meet your eyes. There was surprise on his face, as well as amusement that you couldn't really figure out in the moment. 

“Can we go back? I'm a little tired.” You asked in a whisper, looking at him with big doe eyes that he always fell weak for. His hand involuntarily came up to tuck in a strand of hair behind your ear. “You called me Hannie.” 

Your cheeks instantly turned red, your brain reminding you that you had indeed done that. Trying to play it cool, you shrugged your shoulders. “Yeah? Do you not like it?” 

“I love it,” he smiled, holding your cold hand in his warm one. “And since you gave me this happiness, I won't tease you about being scared of this movie. Let's go.” 

If you were allowed one murder, you were sure Yoon Jeonghan would die in your hands. He didn't wait for you to react, instead pulling you up and walking out of the theater in complete silence.

The chilly air of early December hit you instantly, making you tug on your coat a little tighter. Jeonghan was by your side in the next second, wrapping his scarf around your neck. “You should've dressed more warmly.” 

You let him wrap the scarf around you while your eyes wandered his beautiful face. This new life with him felt so familiar that you couldn't remember how your life without him ever looked like. 

“Hannie,” you called out again, somehow liking saying that. Jeonghan took in a sharp breath, his forehead coming to rest on yours as he closed his eyes. “If you keep calling me that, my patience might give up.” 

“Huh?” You let out a sound of confusion, your heart racing with his proximity. He pulled his head away, softly holding your face and caressing your cheekbone. “God, your face is so cold.” 

You squinted your eyes at him. “What did you mean earlier?” 

“Hm?” He averted his very obvious gaze from your lips to your eyes. “When? What?” 

You gulped, feeling your heart beat a mile per second. You couldn't help staring at his plump, pink lips, suddenly wanting nothing more than to touch them with yours. 

Gathering your senses, you looked in his droopy eyes. “You said something about patience.” 

Jeonghan exhaled almost shakily, taking a step back from you, his hands leaving your cold face again. “You're sensible enough, love. Let's go home? Do you wanna grab dinner?” 

You took a second to come back to your senses, knees buckling. You already missed his warmth, and there were likely no sane thoughts in your head. “Yeah. I'm hungry.” 

“Okay!” He beamed, linking your hands together as he walked. “Pizza?” 

“Sounds good,” you muttered, passively present in the moment while your head swirled with thoughts you didn't want to acknowledge yet. 

***

You pulled the curtains of your window, watching the city being painted white by the soft, first snow of the year. 

You loved snow. You really did. But right now, it made you want to tear the clouds apart. You'd promised yourself to kiss Jeonghan under the first snow ever since you'd started thinking about it, but he wasn't here. 

He'd told you two days ago that he needed to be out of the city for some work at his new job. Missing him terribly in these two days was something else, and watching the snow without him was entirely something else. So much for pursuing you when he didn't even know how important the first snow was to you. 

You scoffed to yourself and drew the curtains again, coming back to be warm under your blanket on the couch. The boring show on your tv kept running, faintly catching your attention every now and then. 

You were almost falling asleep when your phone buzzed in your lap. Expectantly, you picked it up, heart leaping up to your throat after seeing your favourite notification. 

Yoon Jeonghan 🙄[💌]: hey love, can you come downstairs? i’m waiting outside the apartment building 

You nearly screamed in your palm, dropping your phone hastily on the couch and running towards the door. Quickly putting on your coat, you ran outside. 

Jeonghan was indeed waiting for you outside, with a bouquet of fresh orchids clutched tight in his hands. Your steps slowed down as you saw him being snowed on under the gray afternoon sky, his hair tied in a low ponytail and a scarf wrapped around his neck. 

When he spotted you, he waved a hand and smiled. You couldn't help but mirror his gesture, walking slowly towards him with red cheeks. Quietly, he handed you the bouquet like second nature, unwrapping the scarf from his neck while nagging. “You didn't dress warm enough again. Do you wanna get sick?” 

You just stared at the flowers, letting him wrap you in his scarf and scent. “How did you know orchids are my favourite?” 

“Sources,” he grinned, interlinking your hands together and starting to walk ahead. “The same sources that told me you believe in the first snow theory. So I came running as soon as I heard it started snowing here today.” 

You blushed, keeping the bouquet close to your heart while he rocked your joined hands together. “Firstly, I really hate my brother and secondly,” you craned your neck to meet his mischievous eyes. “Why did you come running? It's not like I wanted to be with you.” 

Jeonghan flicked your nose with his curled finger softly. “Is that why you also came running downstairs not two minutes after I texted you?” 

Your blush deepened. Instantly, you looked away from him, clearing your throat and making him chuckle. “Cute.” 

Your eyes lit up when you saw the stall beside you selling fish shaped buns. “Hannie, do you like those?” 

“Never tried them,” he said, shrugging. You gasped, looking at him in horror. “Oh my God, foreigner! I can't believe you! Come here, you gotta try these!”

You dragged him to the stall, ordering two buns. Jeonghan quietly paid for it even before you could fish out your wallet, which you hadn't brought in a hurry. 

You held the fish shaped buns in your hands, holding one out for him to eat. He kept smiling lovestruck at you, not making any effort to open his mouth. Your eyes, unfortunately, traveled to his lips again, noting how inviting they looked under the cold weather. 

Clearing your throat, you poked the fish in his mouth, “You don't wanna have it?” 

He chuckled, opening his mouth and taking a bite. You felt sick for observing the way his lips wrapped around the bun, sending chills down your spine. He held your hand that just fed him, and turned it towards your mouth, causing you to take a bite right from where he just ate. 

You desperately wished you could just enjoy these buns without having indecent thoughts run a marathon in your head. 

“Is it good?” You asked, and he hummed in response, typically wiping the corner of your mouth with his thumb, then sucking it off. You blinked at him owlishly for a while, causing his grin to widen. “Should we keep walking while you feed us both?”

You quickly thrusted the other bun in his hand, walking ahead. “Eat it yourself.” 

He giggled, following behind you like a lost puppy. 

***

“Just a second more,” Jeonghan spoke behind you, leading you forward while his hand covered your eyes. After you finished the buns, Jeonghan took you back to your apartment building, and told you he had a surprise for you. 

That led you to sit in his car for nearly an hour, and even doze off. When you woke up, Jeonghan was by your side, instantly covering your eyes to walk ahead. 

“Where are we, Jeonghan? It's so cold,” you complained despite the growing smile on your face. You could feel the cold breeze hit your face every second, but then Jeonghan stopped, coming in front of you. “Don't open your eyes, let me just cover you more.” 

God knows where he got gloves from. He softly covered your hands with them, before exhaling out loud. “Okay, you can open your eyes now.” 

Slowly, you opened your eyes, adjusting to the dim evening light under the snow. In front of you lay the mighty ocean, waves softly roaring every time they met the shore. For a split second, you felt stupid for hearing the noise and not guessing where you were. But your next thought took over instantly. How could you guess it when you never expected it? 

Perhaps, since you were a teenager, you'd dreamed of witnessing snow at the beach. Seungkwan called you weird for it, made fun of you all the time, but you didn't care. Something about this sight was strange yet beautiful, like a forever you couldn't believe could be yours. 

Hot tears poked your eyes, blurring your vision and wiping Jeonghan's smile. He stepped close to you, obstructing your view with his wide frame. “Hey, what— why are you crying? Do you not like it?” 

You didn't look at him. You couldn't gather the courage to look at him and not kiss him. Your head ducked down, tears spilling down your cheeks as if a dam broke.

“Oh God, I'm sorry.” Jeonghan muttered, his voice panicked. “Did I misread it? Gosh—” he muttered to himself, turning around and pulling out a mini notebook from his coat’s pocket. You looked up, catching the sight of it just enough for your breath to hitch. 

You stepped ahead, and took it from his hands quietly. He blinked, startled. “Hey— give that back please. It's just something dumb.” 

“Be quiet,” you said, words commanding but tone low. Your eyes scanned the opened page of the notebook, droplets of tears falling on it. 

mission pursue the love of my life 

> apologize apologize and apologize ✓

> dinner date??? ✓

> orchids!!!! (i keep forgetting, stupid) 

> flirt a bit? be a gentleman? (not sure) 

> theater date ✓ (no horror movies ever again)

> write letters to her

> DO NOT MISS THE FIRST SNOW 

> snow on the beach!!! (gosh i love her) 

> no amusement parks but ferris wheel!!! (wish i can kiss her at the top) 

┗ don't be stupid, be a gentleman 

> don't be a tease (cut that, she loves it) 

You wanted to fall to your knees and cry your eyes out. 

You looked up at a sheepish looking Jeonghan, his eyes still filled with concern as your tears dried. In that very moment, you realized you'd cry for him another six years if it meant he'd love you like this. 

“I'm sorry if you don't like this, I just— I never—” 

You finally did what your heart had been screaming for. 

You interrupted him by wrapping your arms around his neck, notebook still clutched between your fingers as you pressed your lips to his pretty ones. 

Jeonghan seemed to freeze until you pulled away, your eyes fluttering to meet his wide ones. He clearly looked like he didn't expect this, and the sight of his slightly red face made your heart somehow beat even faster than before. 

He called out your name in a surprised whisper, his eyes stuck on your lips. You breathed out, trying to gather enough words to be distracted from his lips.

“Hannie, I love you,” you muttered against his lips, making him shut his eyes tight. He rested his forehead against yours, trying to breathe in deeply. “You— you do?” 

You giggled through your tears, letting your gloved fingers caress the back of his head. “How could you not know that?” 

“Is this it? Will you be my girlfriend?” He asked shakily, his hands grounding himself by holding your waist. You nodded, nose bumping into his cold one. “Yes. A hundred times, yes.” 

“Can I kiss you, then?” He asked again, his voice barely a whisper as he eyed your lips. You pecked him softly. “Have I not been clear enough?” 

Jeonghan pulled you flush against him, your back arching to perfectly fit in his arms. His lips met yours almost desperately, almost like he'd been a man starved. You kissed him back just as fervently, pouring all that you'd kept locked inside you for an eternity. 

When you felt wetness on your cheek, you pulled away, looking in Jeonghan's teary eyes. Normally, you'd hate to see your loved ones shed even a single tear, but he looked so adorable, and so utterly yours, that you couldn't help smiling softly. You pulled your glove off your right hand, caressing his tear away with your warm thumb. “You cry?” 

Jeonghan smiled with tears in his eyes. “Only when my longing finally ends.” 

You couldn't help but briefly kiss him again, and then drop your head in the crook of his neck. “I'm sorry if I took too long.” 

“No,” he muttered, burying his face in his scarf around your neck. “Don't ever apologise for anything.” 

“Thank you, Jeonghan,” you said, tightening your arms around him as you stared at the barely visible ocean over his shoulder. “For loving me.” 

“It's as natural as breathing, my love.” He whispered, making you smile harder against his shoulder. 

Finally, you'd gotten all that you ever wished for, and it was more beautiful than you'd ever imagined. 

***

No matter how many times you told Jeonghan that he didn't need to complete all tasks from his mission of pursuing you, he insisted that he did. 

That was how you found yourself bawling your eyes out while holding a letter in your hand. You were just emptying your bag after work when you found an envelope inside. God knows when he slipped it in, but now your eyes were swollen and red. You knew he was just next door, but you felt too overwhelmed to even get up. The amount of love he'd poured into his words blurred your senses, reminding you of a version of yourself that would never believe your reality. 

You heard the doorbell ring, once, then twice. Slowly, you got up without thinking much, the letter still in your hands and face still drenched with tears. Somehow, you knew it was Jeonghan on the other end. 

When you opened the door, he stood outside with a bouquet of purple orchids, his smile defying all your misery. But it dimmed when he noticed your state, brows scrunching in worry. “What's wrong?” 

Before you could answer, his eyes traveled to the letter clutched in your hands, and he smiled again. Stepping in, he sighed, his arms wrapping around you warmly. “Aw my baby,” he muttered, pressing a long kiss to your temple. “Did I make you cry, hm?” 

Your heart nearly exploded as you nodded in his embrace and he tightened his arms around you. “I’m sorry, love. I just want you to know how much I love you. And there's absolutely no lie in this letter.” 

“I know,” you whispered against his shoulder, taking your arm behind your back and pulling the bouquet from his grip. Quickly, you hugged him back, clutching both the letter and bouquet in your hands. 

Jeonghan chuckled, pressing another kiss in your hair. “Did I ever tell you how endearing you are?” 

“That was in the letter,” you answered, softly rubbing your eyes against his sweater. He quickly held you back, pulling away. “Hey, don't do that. Here, let me.” 

His warm hands held your face, his thumb softly wiping your tears away. “Aw you're all swollen, so cute.” 

“Shut up,” you smacked his arm lightly with the bouquet, pouting involuntarily. “If anything, I look horrible all because of you.” 

“To me, you look the most beautiful you've ever been.” He smiled, quickly pressing a kiss on your cold cheek. You blushed, slowly daring to meet his eyes. “Thank you for the flowers, and the letter. And everything.” 

“Well,” he wrapped his arm around you sideways, walking you inside your apartment. “Don't you have the best boyfriend ever?” 

You hit him with the bouquet again, and he smoothly took it from your hands, dropping it on the coffee table alongside the letter. Then, he sat on the couch, pulling you along so you ended up in his lap. 

“Hannie—” you gasped, hands clutching his shoulders automatically. He kept a finger on your lips, “Shush, I just wanna be close to you.” 

You were probably as red as a tomato, feeling heat itch your ears. His finger traveled away, and his thumb came to caress the corner of your mouth. “Don't you have the best boyfriend ever, baby?” He asked again, his voice lower and deeper this time. 

You gulped, meeting his eyes and feeling chills run down your spine. He looked so tempting under the yellow light of your living room, with his collarbone exposed and long hair framing his face that you wanted nothing more than to kiss him breathless. 

“Yes, I do,” you answered in a whisper, eyes wandering his beautiful face. His lips curled in a smile, instantly coming to meet yours. You latched onto the opportunity, kissing him just like he wanted. 

Unfortunately, he pulled away quicker than you would've wanted, softly caressing your cheekbone. “And I have the best girlfriend ever.” 

You smiled despite yourself, almost pouting. “A girlfriend who doesn't even give you anything. Seriously, I haven't even gifted you anything yet. You're the one who's been the best.” 

Jeonghan pinched your waist in warning, making you wince. “Don't say stuff like that. Your existence is enough of a gift for me, I promise.” 

You smiled tight-lipped, noting in your head to still get him a gift sooner or later. He deserved it. 

“If you do want to give me something though,” he smirked, pulling you closer by your waist so your nose bumped his. “Just continue kissing me.” 

You quickly pressed a kiss on his lips. “You don't even have to ask, my love.” 

***

You were determined to keep your promise of being as good of a partner as Jeonghan had been to you in such a short time. Sure, you still had your moments of uncertainty about the future, but anytime you spiraled, he did something so amazing that you forgot everything about your doubts. 

It was new year’s eve when you dragged him to a busy amusement park, asking him to shut his eyes tight and scolding him every time he tried to cheat. 

“I’m not even kidding, I’ll blindfold you if you try to open your eyes again,” you said, walking beside him among the rides. Jeonghan chuckled, leaning down just for effect so he could whisper, “I won't mind if you do that in the bedroom, baby. In an amusement park though, it's a little too—” 

You slapped a hand on his arm as an interruption, making him laugh. You didn't know if you were supposed to blush at his shameless comment or be upset about the fact that your surprise had been ruined. 

“Can I open my eyes now?” He asked, his voice filled with teasing. You stared at the ferris wheel in front of you, lit up and spinning lazily. Pouting, you folded your arms. “Do whatever you want to. Ruined my surprise anyway.” 

He chuckled, opening his eyes and looking only at you. His arms pulled you closer, “Aww, are you upset? Come on love, I'm sure you didn't think I'd hear all these rides and not guess where we are.” 

“I should've blocked your ears too,” you huffed, pointing at the ferris wheel. “But anyway, I wanted to bring you here before you did.” 

“And why?” 

“Because,” you smiled, despite yourself. “Well, it was your wish to kiss me at the top. You fulfilled so many of my wishes so I thought I could do the same for you.” 

Jeonghan's eyes practically filled with affection as he kissed your forehead. “So sweet, aren't you?” 

You looked at him for a while, letting his love color you before you tapped his arm. “Bend down.” 

“Huh?” 

“Bend down, please.” 

Jeonghan continued to blink in confusion, but bent down either way to come eye to eye with you. You smiled, holding his face in your small hands and pressing a lingering kiss on his forehead. “You're sweeter.” 

The way Jeonghan's heart nearly exploded was beyond him. He watched you giggle after that, calling your own action cheesy, but he was far too tuned out. He felt his chest fill with so much love for you that he was sure if you were to cut him open, you'd only find yourself woven in all his veins. God, he loved you. 

His fingers wrapped around your wrist as he pulled you back in his radius. “I love you so much.” 

You blinked a little at the sudden shift in the atmosphere, but then your lips curled in an endeared smile anyway. “Should we go to the ferris wheel now?” 

“Okay just say you hate me and go,” he huffed instantly, making you laugh. You couldn't help holding his cheeks and squishing his face. “I love you too, you big baby.” 

He grinned, purring into your palms like a happy cat before you dragged him to the mighty wheel. Once you both got in the small cabin, holding hands, it started spinning slowly. 

Jeonghan looked outside at the lit up city stretching in front of you guys, his thumb softly caressing your hand. “Is it possible that you're scared of heights?” 

“Who isn't scared of heights?” You sighed, “But I'm not very scared. Are you?” 

“Nope,” he grinned, turning his head to look at you. “Can I fulfill my wish now?”

You shook your head quickly, checking your wrist watch. There was only a minute till the fireworks went off. “A minute later.” 

Jeonghan felt confused, but chuckled and nodded anyway. “I hope we stop at the top by then.” 

“Oh, we will.” You smiled, recalling how you'd spoken to the ride operator before bringing Jeonghan in. 

“How are you so sure?” 

“You're not the only one with sources,” you admitted proudly, making him chuckle fondly. “I like that.” 

On cue, your cabin stopped with a jerk at the top, making Jeonghan gasp a little. Before he could comment, the clock ticked into the new year and fireworks exploded in the sky. 

You tugged at his hand, not even bothering to look at the beautiful fireworks. Jeonghan was enough for you to stare at. “Kiss me, Hannie.”

Jeonghan's eyes traveled to your face, filled with awe and admiration as he somehow tried to understand your magical plan. He wasn't thinking much, but his head tilted involuntarily, hand coming up to cup your jaw. You closed your eyes, feeling his tender lips meet yours while fireworks painted your faces in many colors. 

You clutched on his collar, kissing him softly and you swore it was much more magical than you'd expected.

***

You had a particularly tiring day, so your first instinct was wanting to be in Jeonghan's arms. Hence, instead of going to your apartment, you found yourself entering Jeonghan's. 

“At this point, we should move in together,” he said from the dining table, setting up food you weren't willing to eat. Your heart warmed at the sight of him, and you lazily opened your arms from where you stood. 

“Aww,” he cooed, wiping his hands with a kitchen towel and walking towards you. “Is my peanut sized girlfriend tired?” 

You hugged him, humming against his shoulder. “Very tired but not peanut sized.” 

He pressed a kiss to your temple, softly rubbing circles on your lower back. “Cashew sized?” 

You huffed a laugh. “Shut up. You're ridiculous.” 

He giggled in response, just continuing to hold you till you wanted. He'd press tiny kisses in your hair every now and then, making you hum satisfactorily. 

“Do you wanna eat?” He asked in a while. You shook your head. “Just wanna cuddle you.” 

He grinned, and the next thing you knew, he was carrying you to his bed. Soon, you were cuddled in his warmth, tucked under the safety of his blanket. 

“Hannie?” You called out in a slurred voice. He hummed in response, craning his neck to look at you. “What would you have done if I didn't accept you?” 

The question seemed to monetarily freeze Jeonghan, his fingers in your hair stilling. You had half a mind to take your words back, but then he pressed a kiss in your hair. “I don't know. Maybe I would've spent the rest of my life just yearning for you.” 

You looked in his sincere eyes, a little pout forming on your lips. “Are you stupid? You can't pine after one person your whole life while knowing they won't accept you.” 

He chuckled, pulling you closer in his arms. “I can.” 

“Jeonghan, no. You should say that you would've moved on and—” 

“Moved on?” He barked out a sarcastic laugh, his eyes searching yours. “Baby, I can never move on from you.” 

You stared at him quietly, taking a few shallow breaths then sighing. Jeonghan’s hand came to cup your cheek instantly. “You know I did think about it.” 

“I did think about what I'd do if you didn't accept me,” he continued. “Naturally, life would've moved on, right? But I don't think I'd have been able to love anyone else. Or step out of the guilt of hurting you.” 

Your lip wobbled slightly, and you shook your head. “You're stupid.” 

He smiled softly, thumb caressing your jaw. “Sometimes, I still feel guilty about it. Which is why I thought I wanna live six years more than you.” 

Your brows furrowed. Jeonghan leaned in and kissed you briefly. When he pulled away, you noticed that his eyes were glassy. “So that I can love you for the six years you lost.” 

You tilted your head to a side helplessly, pulling his face into your neck. “Hannie, come on.” 

He sniffed in your scent, closing his eyes against your skin. You caressed his hair softly, pressing a kiss on his head. “Stop thinking about living and dying and guilt and hurt. I'm fine, you're fine and we love each other. It doesn't matter that we were a bit late, we're together now. That's what you should think about, okay?” 

He giggled into your neck, nodding his head. “Yes, ma’am.” 

You pouted, pinching his arm. “Live in the moment with me. I don't want you to be guilty about anything.” 

He giggled again. “Okay, ma’am.” 

You hid a smile, pulling your head back to look at him. “What's so funny?” 

“You sound like you're scolding me,” he said through a chuckle, squishing your face between his palms. 

“I am,” you muttered, voice coming out distorted because of how he squished you. He giggled more, and you realized you could die for this sound. 

When he left your cheeks, you leaned closer and kissed his nose. “I love you, Jeonghan. Please don't worry about anything else.” 

His smile was softer this time, more serious as he nodded. “I love you too. So much.” 

And then Jeonghan kissed you like he was making a promise. A promise that sat untouched in his drawer in the form of a small velvet box. 

He would just wait for the right moment, even if it came years later.

footnotes: i hope you all have been compensated for the tears that i wish brought :)