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Frisk: The first time Charlie opened a box of Cheerios and looked inside they yelled, "OH WOW! DONUT SEEDS!"
Michael: So whatâs for dinner?
Cassidy: I canât tell you, itâs a soup-prise!
Michael: âŚ
Michael: Is it soup?
Cassidy: I soup-pose it could be! *winks*
Michael: Please, enough with the soup puns!
Cassidy: Wow, youâre soup-per mean.
Michael: STOP!
*one hour later*
Michael: Itâs fucking tacos?!?!?!
Michael: Go to hell!
Jack: Oh! Iâve been there, thank you. I found it quite lovely.
Evan: Iâm proud to say Iâve come over my fear of ghosts!
Jack: Eyy, thatâs the spirit!
Evan: *gasps* whErE???!!!??
Elizabeth: Iâm sad.
Charlie: Donât be sad, because sad backwards is das.
Charlie: And das not good.
Charlie: What the fuck is wrong with you??
Jack: What? No good morning?
Charlie: Good morning, what the fuck is wrong with you??
Elizabeth: Listen, in the wild wild west there is always a woman in the saloon and nobody messes with her even though they all have guns.
Cassidy: That's because she's a prostitute.
Cassidy: Hey Jack, Iâve got an idea for how to solve this.
Jack, pulling out a shotgun: Yeah?
Cassidy: Wh- No! Thatâs not the idea, Jack!
Charlie: Itâs impossible to make a sentence without using the letter A.
Frisk: Despite your thinking, it is quite possible, yet difficult, to form one without the specific letter. Hereâs one more to further disprove your theory.
Cassidy: Fuck you.
Michael: Ugh, thereâs always that weak bitch in the group who isnât down with murder.
Michael: *glares at Frisk*
Frisk: Well, sorry I have morals! and trama from the genoside routes.
Evan: Hey, thanks for checking in, Iâm â¨still a piece of garbageâ¨
Aqua: Weâre going to defeat you with the power of friendship.
Cassidy: Weâre not friends.
Aqua, holding an axe: Weâre going to defeat you with the power of incredible violence.
Aylith: *sees someone doing something stupid*
Aylith: What an idiot.
Aylith: *realizes it's Lillie*
Aylith: Wait, that's MY idiot!
Frisk: I have the sharpest memory here - name one time I forgot something!
Sophocles: You left me, Evan, and Dess in a Walmart parking lot at 2am a day ago.
Frisk: I did that on purpose, try again.
Elizabeth: I scare people a lot because I walk very softly and they don't hear me enter rooms. So when they turn around, I'm just kind of there and their fear fuels me.
Mallow: Did you bring Lillie?
Ash, gesturing to Flowery: No, but I brought the next best thing.
Mallow: Flowery? The next best thing would be Pink.
Flowery: I would be offended, but Pink is freakishly strong.
Mallow, playing a video game: How do I play?
*Mallow has drawn first blood!*
*Mallow is on a killing spree!*
*Mallow is on a rampage!*
*Mallow is unstoppable!*
*Mallow is dominating!*
*Mallow is godlike!*
Mallow: Donât worry guys, I figured it out.
Orange: I can catch one of them. Let's go, Ash.
Ash: I didn't volunteer.
Orange: A stake out needs two people! Think, Ash. Who's gonna watch all the crime stuff while the other one eats a hoagie?
Jack: In alcoholâs defense, Iâve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Yellow: A person can really hear themselves think out here.
Yellowâs mind: Did you leave the stove on? The front door unlocked!? WILL YOU DIE ALONE!?
Yellow: Well, that was a mistake.
Blue, on the phone: Whatâs up, Yellow?
Yellow: Iâm sitting in a pool of blood.
Blue: âŚUm, is it YOUR blood?
Yellow: I think so.
Blue: Do you know where the bloodâs coming from?
Yellow: Probably the stab wound.
Blue: YOUâVE BEEN STABBED?!
Yellow: Oh, yeah, definitely.
Flowery: Did you have to stab them?
Aqua: You werenât there. You didnât hear what they said to me.
Flowery: What did they say?
Aqua: "What are you going to do, stab me?"
Flowery: Thatâs fair.
Aylith, after getting a job as a life guard: Hmm... I wonder what those things at the bottom of the pool are..
Evan: THOSE ARE PEOPLE DROWNING!
Seth: Do you take constructive criticism?
Jack: No, only cash or credit.
Yellow: The word âgayâ is actually an acronym.
Yellow:God Actually doesnât mind if Youâre gay.
Kiawe:God Accepts You.
ergo sum:God Always Yugoslavia.
Evan:Gandalf Ate Yoda.
Frisk: Stop adding random acronyms to this, it was beautiful at first and now itâs not.
Pink:God Actually doesnât mind if we add acronyms because YOLO!
Frisk: Iâm going to vomit on you.
Cassidy: Pineapples areâ
Orange: âIN MY HEAD!
Cassidy: Wrong.
Aylith: Thank you for not saying "I told you so."
Charlie: When youâre as right as I am, you donât have to say it.
Flowery, to The Squad: None of you know what propaganda is, do you?
Lillie: I think itâs when a British person takes a good look at something.
Mallow: How would you like your pancakes?
Kiawe: Plain.
Flowery: With sprinkles!
Jack: Chocolate chips.
Michael: Potatoes.
*Kiawe, Flowery, and Jack look at Michael*
Michael: What? They're good.
Jack: You borrowed a crane?
Aylith: Not exactly.
Yellow: You stole a crane?!
Aylith: Exactly.
Yellow: Aylith, can I speak to you for a minute? In private.
Aylith: Ooh, someone's in trouble. It's me. I don't know why I did that.
*green and Orange are planning to break in somewhere*
Green holding a sign that says: We need to distract the guards.
Orange: Right.
Green holding a sign that says: What are we gonna do?
Orange: I'm gonna break their elbows while you poke their eyes.
Green:
Orange:
Green holding a sign that says: Deal.
Ash: I learned a valuable lesson from this.
Evan: Iâm guessing they are all horrible distortions on the lesson you actually shouldâve taken awayâŚ
Ash: DEATH ISNâT REAL AND I AM BASICALLY GOD!
Charlie: Ladies, gentlemen and Evan, I want to show you the greatest thing your eyes have ever beheld!
Green holding a sign that says: A llama?
Charlie: No.
Green holding a sign that says: A baby llama?
Charlie: No!
Green holding a sign that says: A baby llama with a little hat on?
Charlie: NO!
Evan: Hey, you want a tarot reading?
Orange: Those are Pokemon cards.
Evan: You got a magikarp.
Orange: ...
Evan: It means 'fuck you'.
Jack: So my therapist was talking to me and she said that I really just need to break down my walls and let people in.
Jack: So Iâve decided to break the fourth wall.
Jack: *looks at camera* Hi there. I use humor as a coping mechanism.
Evan: The waiter at Olive Garden has been grating my cheese for 6 hours now, waiting for me to say when. Customers are screaming. Three people have died.
Evan:I will not yield.
Pink: What situation is not instantly improved by the addition of fishnets, I ask you.
Ash: Being a fish.
Pink: Well, shit.
Orange: Good morning.
Cassidy: Good morning.
Sophocles: Good morning.
ergo sum: You all sound like robots, try spicing it up a bit.
Charlie: MORNING MOTHERFUCKERS!
Lillie, on a random band name generator: Oooo! They Might Be Depressed Horses! That about sums up my friend group.
Pink: *dangling from a rope over a pit of fire* Remember when I said Iâd tell you when weâre in too deep?
Charlie: Yes?
Pink: Weâre in too deep.
Dess: How high are you?
ergo sum: Mm, I donât know how to say it in feet.
Charlie: No, theyâre asking what drugs are you on.
ergo sum: Oh, antidepressants.EXE, why?
Flowery: Iâve been sleeping so little the past few nights that when I go to the alarm app, I click on the âpower napâ button. I donât set up alarms, I set up timers, Evan.
Aqua: Hey Aylith, can you give me the opposite of these words?
Aqua: Always, Coming, From, Take, Me, Down.
Aylith: Never, Going, To, Give, You-
Aylith: The fucking satisfaction.
Seth: Money... Is like president trading cards.
Seth: What's the most illegal thing you can do with one dollar?
Yellow: Exchange it for a hundred pennies, put them all in a sock, and then beat someone to death with it.
Frisk: *lifting weights*
Blue: Wow⌠Theyâre so intense!
Pink: I wonder what drives them.
Frisk, internally:Oh I am going to be SO good at giving hugs.
Pink: Heyyy Mallow, howâs your⌠drink??
Mallow: What do you mean drink? Itâs coffee.
Pink: You sure?? *Looks to coffee maker*
Mallow: *Looks to coffee maker*
*Cement sitting beside the coffee maker*
Mallow:...Iâm on my third fucking drink right now, I should be dead.
Jack: I'm gonna need a human skull but you can't ask why.
Evan: Only if you also don't ask why.
Evan: *pulls four pristine human skulls out of their bag*
Jack: ...
Jack, grabbing a skull: This one will do.
Flowery: *working in a flower shop and minding their own business*
Dess, storming into the store and slapping $20 on the counter: HOW DO I PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVELY SAY âFUCK YOUâ IN FLOWER???
Michael: I didnât know that air fryers are a real thing. Used to think that they were made up by the internet as a funny joke and that their purpose was to âfry airâ.
Lana: WAIT, BUT IT FRIES THE AIR TO FRY THE FOOD??
Michael: I DIDNâT KNOW IT WAS A KITCHEN APPLIANCE, MY FIRST ASSUMPTION WAS SOMETHING AKIN TO AN AIR CONDITIONER!
Aylith: ITâS NOT LIKE AN AIR CONDITIONER????
Dess: You guys clearly donât own an air fryer.
Michael: What if people had food names and food had people names?
Dess: Hey, spaghetti, weâre having Michael for dinner.
ergo sum: What is wrong with you people?
Jack: Shut up, chocolate.
Frisk: Sometimes, I donât realize an event was traumatic until I tell it as a funny story and notice everyone is staring at me weird.
Lillie: What is wrong with you?
Michael: Loaded question. Elaborate.
made using: https://perchance.org/incorrect-quote-generator
Evan: Hey, thanks for checking in, Iâm â¨still a piece of garbageâ¨
Aqua: Weâre going to defeat you with the power of friendship.
Cassidy: Weâre not friends.
Aqua, holding an axe: Weâre going to defeat you with the power of incredible violence.
Aylith: *sees someone doing something stupid*
Aylith: What an idiot.
Aylith: *realizes it's Lillie*
Aylith: Wait, that's MY idiot!
Frisk: I have the sharpest memory here - name one time I forgot something!
Sophocles: You left me, Evan, and Dess in a Walmart parking lot at 2am a day ago.
Frisk: I did that on purpose, try again.
Elizabeth: I scare people a lot because I walk very softly and they don't hear me enter rooms. So when they turn around, I'm just kind of there and their fear fuels me.
Mallow: Did you bring Lillie?
Ash, gesturing to Flowery: No, but I brought the next best thing.
Mallow: Flowery? The next best thing would be Pink.
Flowery: I would be offended, but Pink is freakishly strong.
Mallow, playing a video game: How do I play?
*Mallow has drawn first blood!*
*Mallow is on a killing spree!*
*Mallow is on a rampage!*
*Mallow is unstoppable!*
*Mallow is dominating!*
*Mallow is godlike!*
Mallow: Donât worry guys, I figured it out.
Orange: I can catch one of them. Let's go, Ash.
Ash: I didn't volunteer.
Orange: A stake out needs two people! Think, Ash. Who's gonna watch all the crime stuff while the other one eats a hoagie?
Jack: In alcoholâs defense, Iâve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Yellow: A person can really hear themselves think out here.
Yellowâs mind: Did you leave the stove on? The front door unlocked!? WILL YOU DIE ALONE!?
Yellow: Well, that was a mistake.
Blue, on the phone: Whatâs up, Yellow?
Yellow: Iâm sitting in a pool of blood.
Blue: âŚUm, is it YOUR blood?
Yellow: I think so.
Blue: Do you know where the bloodâs coming from?
Yellow: Probably the stab wound.
Blue: YOUâVE BEEN STABBED?!
Yellow: Oh, yeah, definitely.
Flowery: Did you have to stab them?
Aqua: You werenât there. You didnât hear what they said to me.
Flowery: What did they say?
Aqua: "What are you going to do, stab me?"
Flowery: Thatâs fair.
Aylith, after getting a job as a life guard: Hmm... I wonder what those things at the bottom of the pool are..
Evan: THOSE ARE PEOPLE DROWNING!
Seth: Do you take constructive criticism?
Jack: No, only cash or credit.
Yellow: The word âgayâ is actually an acronym.
Yellow:God Actually doesnât mind if Youâre gay.
Kiawe:God Accepts You.
ergo sum:God Always Yugoslavia.
Evan:Gandalf Ate Yoda.
Frisk: Stop adding random acronyms to this, it was beautiful at first and now itâs not.
Pink:God Actually doesnât mind if we add acronyms because YOLO!
Frisk: Iâm going to vomit on you.
Cassidy: Pineapples areâ
Orange: âIN MY HEAD!
Cassidy: Wrong.
Aylith: Thank you for not saying "I told you so."
Charlie: When youâre as right as I am, you donât have to say it.
Flowery, to The Squad: None of you know what propaganda is, do you?
Lillie: I think itâs when a British person takes a good look at something.
Mallow: How would you like your pancakes?
Kiawe: Plain.
Flowery: With sprinkles!
Jack: Chocolate chips.
Michael: Potatoes.
*Kiawe, Flowery, and Jack look at Michael*
Michael: What? They're good.
Jack: You borrowed a crane?
Aylith: Not exactly.
Yellow: You stole a crane?!
Aylith: Exactly.
Yellow: Aylith, can I speak to you for a minute? In private.
Aylith: Ooh, someone's in trouble. It's me. I don't know why I did that.
*green and Orange are planning to break in somewhere*
Green holding a sign that says: We need to distract the guards.
Orange: Right.
Green holding a sign that says: What are we gonna do?
Orange: I'm gonna break their elbows while you poke their eyes.
Green:
Orange:
Green holding a sign that says: Deal.
Ash: I learned a valuable lesson from this.
Evan: Iâm guessing they are all horrible distortions on the lesson you actually shouldâve taken awayâŚ
Ash: DEATH ISNâT REAL AND I AM BASICALLY GOD!
Charlie: Ladies, gentlemen and Evan, I want to show you the greatest thing your eyes have ever beheld!
Green holding a sign that says: A llama?
Charlie: No.
Green holding a sign that says: A baby llama?
Charlie: No!
Green holding a sign that says: A baby llama with a little hat on?
Charlie: NO!
Evan: Hey, you want a tarot reading?
Orange: Those are Pokemon cards.
Evan: You got a magikarp.
Orange: ...
Evan: It means 'fuck you'.
Jack: So my therapist was talking to me and she said that I really just need to break down my walls and let people in.
Jack: So Iâve decided to break the fourth wall.
Jack: *looks at camera* Hi there. I use humor as a coping mechanism.
Evan: The waiter at Olive Garden has been grating my cheese for 6 hours now, waiting for me to say when. Customers are screaming. Three people have died.
Evan:I will not yield.
Pink: What situation is not instantly improved by the addition of fishnets, I ask you.
Ash: Being a fish.
Pink: Well, shit.
Orange: Good morning.
Cassidy: Good morning.
Sophocles: Good morning.
ergo sum: You all sound like robots, try spicing it up a bit.
Charlie: MORNING MOTHERFUCKERS!
Lillie, on a random band name generator: Oooo! They Might Be Depressed Horses! That about sums up my friend group.
Pink: *dangling from a rope over a pit of fire* Remember when I said Iâd tell you when weâre in too deep?
Charlie: Yes?
Pink: Weâre in too deep.
Dess: How high are you?
ergo sum: Mm, I donât know how to say it in feet.
Charlie: No, theyâre asking what drugs are you on.
ergo sum: Oh, antidepressants.EXE, why?
Flowery: Iâve been sleeping so little the past few nights that when I go to the alarm app, I click on the âpower napâ button. I donât set up alarms, I set up timers, Evan.
Aqua: Hey Aylith, can you give me the opposite of these words?
Aqua: Always, Coming, From, Take, Me, Down.
Aylith: Never, Going, To, Give, You-
Aylith: The fucking satisfaction.
Seth: Money... Is like president trading cards.
Seth: What's the most illegal thing you can do with one dollar?
Yellow: Exchange it for a hundred pennies, put them all in a sock, and then beat someone to death with it.
Frisk: *lifting weights*
Blue: Wow⌠Theyâre so intense!
Pink: I wonder what drives them.
Frisk, internally:Oh I am going to be SO good at giving hugs.
Pink: Heyyy Mallow, howâs your⌠drink??
Mallow: What do you mean drink? Itâs coffee.
Pink: You sure?? *Looks to coffee maker*
Mallow: *Looks to coffee maker*
*Cement sitting beside the coffee maker*
Mallow:...Iâm on my third fucking drink right now, I should be dead.
Jack: I'm gonna need a human skull but you can't ask why.
Evan: Only if you also don't ask why.
Evan: *pulls four pristine human skulls out of their bag*
Jack: ...
Jack, grabbing a skull: This one will do.
Flowery: *working in a flower shop and minding their own business*
Dess, storming into the store and slapping $20 on the counter: HOW DO I PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVELY SAY âFUCK YOUâ IN FLOWER???
Michael: I didnât know that air fryers are a real thing. Used to think that they were made up by the internet as a funny joke and that their purpose was to âfry airâ.
Lana: WAIT, BUT IT FRIES THE AIR TO FRY THE FOOD??
Michael: I DIDNâT KNOW IT WAS A KITCHEN APPLIANCE, MY FIRST ASSUMPTION WAS SOMETHING AKIN TO AN AIR CONDITIONER!
Aylith: ITâS NOT LIKE AN AIR CONDITIONER????
Dess: You guys clearly donât own an air fryer.
Michael: What if people had food names and food had people names?
Dess: Hey, spaghetti, weâre having Michael for dinner.
ergo sum: What is wrong with you people?
Jack: Shut up, chocolate.
Frisk: Sometimes, I donât realize an event was traumatic until I tell it as a funny story and notice everyone is staring at me weird.
Lillie: What is wrong with you?
Michael: Loaded question. Elaborate.
made using: https://perchance.org/incorrect-quote-generator
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
â Live Streamingâ Interactive Chatâ Private Showsâ HD Qualityâ Free Actions
Free to watch ⢠No registration required ⢠HD streaming
The Condesce: Gentlemen! Ve have made it!
[The Nazi vampires start cheering]
The Condesce: Alright! Achtung! Achtung!
Has: Woo-wooooo!
The Condesce: Has, Has, bring it down a notch.
Has: WooooâŚ
The Condesce: Now⌠Herroktor⌠Captain⌠First Lieutenant⌠Und, our fabulous mascot! Please, lead us off!
Herroktor: Of course. Everyone, thank you for coming to the mandatory pre-war seminar. Please open your World War III pamphlets to page 3, as the first two pages merely contain a foreword from Nicholas Cage.
The Condesce: Ve have an exciting itinerary of ze evening's events. Tonight⌠ve annihilate LONDON!
Nazi Grunt: Uh, ALL of London?
The Condesce: ALL of London! Buckingham Palace? Laid to vaste. Big Ben? Toppled to ze GROUND!
Nazi Grunt: Ze House of Parliament?
The Condesce: Eradicated.
Nazi Grunt: Ze Tower of London?
The Condesce: OBLITERATED.
Nazi Grunt: Ze Holocaust Museum?
The Condesce: Leave zat be. No one vill deny vat ve did.
Has: [Squirrel-like giggles] Vat about London Bridge?
The Condesce: Ja, ja, "London Bridge is falling down", ve all know ze song. Look, you be ze first to burn it down, you can go ahead and sing it. I don't care. Of course, speaking of music, ze accompaniment tonight has been selected via survey! Und I hope you're as excited as I aaam~! Ze song tonight is most appropriate for⌠Ironic reasons. Ze best reasons! But first⌠a toast⌠to ze answer of an age⌠old⌠qvestionâŚ
["War" by Edwin Starr starts playing as bombs and vampires start raining from the zeppelin, followed by civilians running as they're being shot at, blown up by grenades, impaled, and eaten; all to the sound of screaming]
Herroktor: Is it everything you hoped for, Major?
The Condesce: Yes, because it means ze destruction⌠of innocent lives⌠Induction. Zen Destruction. '''WHO VANTS TO DIE?!!!'''
Maxwell: For ye are the temple of the living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing and I will receive you.
sonic: what's that man talking about?
Maxwell: Yes, my fellow Christians! We have come to save you!
Marinette: Hooray, it's the Catholic Church!
Maxwell: FROM YOURSELVES!!!
Stocking: Oh no, it's the Catholic Church.
[Scene change: jack and the gang are in an airplane above London]
Maxwell: YES! Cleanse the Earth of these sinners! May the Lord have mercy! For I! HAVE! NONE!
Aylith: You know, I think your boy Maxwell's letting his new authority get to his head a little. You should probably have a talk with him.
Kel: He's â he's just under a lot of pressure!
Maxwell: You do not deserve God's MERCY! If He will not turn you to the afterlife, THEN I WILL!!
Kel: I mean, words only have as much meaning as we give them.
Maxwell: Sinners will be allowed no quarter! Kill them all! LET GOD SORT THEM OUT!
Aylith: You're right, a lot open to interpretation there.
Kel: Perhaps one of us should have a talk with him.
Maxwell: I SHALL BE THE NEW GOD OF THIS WORLD!!!
SOUL: Aye, let me go have a wee chat.
Aylith: Oh, I have an idea.
SOUL: WomanâŚ
Aylith: Why not write down a formal protest?
SOUL: Don't you dareâŚ
Aylith: You can nail it to his doorâŚ
SOUL: Don't you fuckin' dare!
Aylith: Like a Protestant!
[Scene change: to SOUL and some paladins about to jump out the plane]
SOUL: Who are we?
Paladins of Ebot: The necessary evil!
SOUL: Why are we necessary?
Paladins: To purge the world of evil worse than man!
SOUL: And why are we, God's chosen few, ordained to undertake this unholy task?
Paladins: Because no-one else will!
SOUL: And because it's fuckin' FUN! AHAHA! AHAHAHA! AHAH-AAAAAAAA-MEN!
[Scene change: later]
SOUL: To the Ebot order and all surviving crusaders: fall back to the Vatican!
Kel: But Father SOUL, we were under orders to-
SOUL: You don't have to follow orders when your leader's acting like a daft cunt! Also, Maxwell's a demon, soâŚ
Kel: Oh⌠that's a⌠tragedyâŚ
SOUL: Don't weep for the stupid, you'll be crying all day. Now follow my orders; there's something I must take care of.
Kel: Father SOUL, there is no way you can beat Maxwell the way he is now.
SOUL: Maybe you're right, Kel⌠But I want to take a stab at it anyway.
[Scene change: Jack jumps out of the plane cusing it to crash into the blimps and Ready to Die by Andrew W.K. starts playing with jack singing the lyrics]
Jack: This is your time to pay
This is your judgment day
We made a sacrifice
And now we get to take your life
We shoot without a gun
We'll take on anyone
It's really nothing new
It's just a thing we like to do
You better get ready to die (get ready to die)
You better get ready to kill (get ready to kill)
You better get ready to run, 'cause here we come
You better get ready to die (get ready to die)
[song changes to party party party]
Jack: Woah, Party, Party, Party
You gotta Party hardy
I'm gonna have a Party
Or else you will be sorry
Oh, Party, Party, Party
The Party's gonna start, hey
I know a guy named Marty
Marty loves to Party
Woah, Party, Party, Party
Party make me farty
I gotta take antacid
So I can keep on Partying
Sweet, sweet Party
Party, Party, Party
You gotta Party
Hey, I wanna Party
Who's gonna make this Party started?
Me! Me! ME!
Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
Aylith: JACK!
Jack: Whaaaaaaat?!
Aylith: Release Restraint Levelâ
Jed Forrest: Now hold your horses! Ah don't know who y'all think you are⌠But mah name is Jed Forrest of the South Carolina Baptist Confedâ!
Jack: Shhhh-sh-sh-sh⌠Do you hear that?
Jed Forrest: Do Ah hear wha- (Jack shoots him between the eyes)
Jack: Hm. Must have just been the wind.
Aylith: Fuck it; dropping the formalities. Jack! Go for a walk.
Jack: When hope is gone, undo this lock⌠And send me forth on a moonlit walk.
SOUL: Release Restraint LevelâŚ
Jack and SOUL: ZERO.
Jack: - SOUL: > Jack and SOUL: <-. [song returns to ready to die] Your life is over now- Your life is running out- When your time is at an end- Then it's time to kill again>
We cut without a knife-
We live in black and white>
You're just a parasite>
Now close your eyes and say goodnight<- You better get ready to die- (get ready to die)>
You better get ready to kill- ( get ready to kill)>
You better get ready to run, 'cause here we come>
You better get ready to die> ( get ready to die)-
Maxwell: HA! Stupid demon-zombies! Claw away all you want! The only thing that can pierce my Holy Pope Box is the will of God hims-
(cue SOUL's bayonet piercing the glass as Maxwell looks on in horror while SOUL giggles maniacally)
Maxwell: SOUL! POR QUE?!
SOUL: It is the sacred duty of the Ebot Organization to punish the demon, the heretic, and the false god.
(Maxwell immediately gets an Oh, Crap! reaction as he had just moments before declared A God Am I)
SOUL: Also you're a daft cunt!
Maxwell: SOULâŚ! SOUL, I DON'T DESERVE THIS!!
SOUL: Sinners will be allowed no quarter. Kill them all, and let God sort them out.
(cue Maxwell getting impaled, screaming and drowning in his own blood)
You better get ready to die >( get ready to die)-
Get ready to die -( get ready to die)>
You better get ready to die >( get ready to die)-
Get ready to die -( get ready to die)>
You better get ready to die >( get ready to die)-
Get ready to die-
Been a long time coming>
Now you better get running-
And you better get ready to die<-
[Jack and SOUL seal the nazis and English into paradox space-the void ultra space]
SOUL: Any last words?
The Condesce: SOULES is Gladion and Lillieâs father!
SOUL:
Jack:
Frisk:
Kirzeh:
Frayam:
Zeldon:
Xieski:
Erramu:
Khiret:
Ash:
Lana:
Kiawe:
Sophocles:
Mallow:
Gladion:
Aylith:
Lillie:
SOUL: Is this true father?
Maxwell: How the hell should I know? (then dies)
SOUL: shut up for now or forever i dont kare wich, I'm talking to my birth father! SOULES (from paradox space): N- yes.
Gladion, Lillie, and SOUL: fuck
Jack: I'm just going to asend to god tear the ones who died while you have an off-screen chat
[Scene change: 1 day later at Jack's house, whilst everyone of the characters jack saved is moving in to jacks hose] Jack: That was just the opening cutscene
Jack: The âhow the fucksâ and 'why are you so dumbsâ donât matter. All that matters is that I have a new gun.
Kirzeh: May luck (and tthis pictture of Sollux eatting shredded cheese att 3 in tthe morning) be witth you.
Gamzee: *out cold on the ground*
Kiawe: Oh my god, do you think theyâre okay?!
Frayam, holding a bucket of ice water: WHO CARES?!*dumps all of the water on Gamzeeâs face*
Jack: I donât go looking for trouble. Trouble usually finds me first.
Jack: I love sarcasm! Itâs like punching people in the face, but with words!
Jade: Synonyms are weird because if you invite someone to your cottage in the forest, that just sounds nice and cozy. But if I invite you to my cabin in the woods youâre going to die.
Dirk: My favorite is explaining the difference between a butt dial and a booty call.
Eridan: Itâs called connotations.
Gamzee: TrY ThIs OnE On FoR SiZe, âFoRgIvE Me, FaThEr, I HaVe SiNnEdâ Vs âSoRrY, DaDdY, IâVe BeEn NaUgHtY."
Kiawe: Great news! Language is now banned!
Xieski: Say no to drugs.
Xieski: Say yes to drugs.
Xieski: It doesn't matter if you say yes or no to drugs, cause if you're talking to drugs... then you're on drugs.
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Aylith: If weâre in trouble, just throw Jack at the problem, and hope for the best.
Mallow: Why is there blood everywhere?
Jack: I may have aggressively poked someone with a knife.
Mallow: You stabbed someone?!
Jack: No, no. I aggressively poked someone with a knife.
Dirk: I let my cat drink the bathtub water while I was in it.
Priest: Once again, kind of weird, but not a sin.
Lana: Why are you talking to yourself?
Jack: Itâs called a soliloquy, bitch.
Noelle: Hey do you wanna hang out this weekend?
Erramu: Generic excuse.
Noelle: I canât believe you said that out loud, to my face.
Erramu: I c@n.
Nepeta: AC: :33 < Come on, you n33d to go to bed.
Jane: Mr. Snuffles says that I can stay up as long as I want. And that you need to die!
Nepeta: âŚ
Nepeta: AC: :33 < What the hell, Mr. Snufflesâ
SOULES: What is wrong with you?
Jack: Many, many things...
Jack: And most of them are your fucking fault.
*Mallow and Aradia are in a car teetering on the edge of a cliff*
Mallow: oh my god, Aradia, backwards!
Aradia: Really, Mall0w? I th0ught I might g0 f0rwards int0 the river, I th0ught that w0uld be a fun thing t0 d0.
Zeldon: What do you call a dictionary on drugs?
Vriska: If you say "addict-ionary" I swear I will cut you.
Zeldon: I was actually going to say "high definition", but your answer's much better.
Vriska: ...
Jasprosesprite: *pitches an idea*
Xieski, impressed: Huh, there might be something here!
Terezi, under their breath: Y34H, 4 L4WSU1T.
Dave: *walks to cabinet, removes oreo box, takes half a sleeve, throws empty box out* Hi!
Sophocles: Hey- what are you doing-?
Dave, shoving an oreo into their mouth: I am saving space :D
Kiawe: GET BACK HERE YOU DUMB FUCK!
Kris: LET ME RUN FROM THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY ACTIONS!
Jack: *double checking supplies in the boat* Compass. CB radio. Sunscreen.
Aylith: Hot dog costumes!
Jack: Iâm sorry, what?
Aylith: You know, in case we get lost at sea, and one of us, probably Kirzeh, goes mad with hunger, weâll put these on. Jane hates hot dogs, so they probably wonât eat us.
Jack: Are you saying that Kirzeh would rather eat us than hot dogs?
Kirzeh: I do hate hot dogs.
SOUL: You played me!
Zeldon: Lixe the cheap xazoo you are!
Crow: Which way did Brock go?
Frayam: WELL, BASED On THE DIRECTIOn OF THE WInD, THE BROKEn STICKS In THE CORnER, AnD THE SLIGHT DISTURBAnCE In THE DIRT, I'D GUESS THEY WEnT LEFT.
Crow: You could really figure it out from that?
Frayam: nO, YOU IDIOT, BROCK SEnT ME A TEXT. SEE?text. See?
Zeldon: How has life been treating you lately?
Jack: Horribly. but hay at lest i met theses fuckers
Brock: Hereâs the cold medicine you asked for.
Brock: *dumps 3 shopping bags of wine on the table*
Jack: ...Thanks.
Vriska: Hey, how did my phone 8reak?
Lillie: You were drunk yesterday.
Vriska: And?
Rose: You threw it.
Vriska: Why?
Feferi: You turned on airplane mode and kept screaming âFLY DAMN YOU!â
Vriska: And why didnât you stop me?!
Dirk: We were busy laughing our asses off.
everyone - jack: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, --- jack slam dunking something that looks like demon bendy from batdr in to the ceiling: 1 shade: athors note ultra space and paradox space are one and the same and SOULES's true form is imprisoned in there
but not for long
cus barely any plot from the anime has happened yet and jack dose not have a pokemon yet
(im thinking about giving him a regional verdant of ralts that's final evolution is a fusion been gardevoir and gallade)
Karkat : WHAT DO WE THINK OF ZELDON?
*pause*
Ralsei: *sighs* Nice pal.
Dirk: I think they're gay.
Kirzeh: *raises eyebrows*
Kanaya: Put Those Back Down
Vriska: Are you 8usy?
Feferi: Yes.
Vriska: Cool, listen to this...
Frayam: Hello friends!
The Squad:
Frayam: You might be wondering why Iâm taped to the ceiling Jack: im wandering why all over you are here! Frayam: all pokemon regons are fused with ebot being the center point
SOUL: Okay, can we all stop saying stupid shit for a moment, please?!
Jack: Alright.
Kirzeh: Hey, I-
SOUL: SHUT UP!
Kirzeh: I HAVEN'TT EVEN FINISHED MY SENTTENCE!!
Jack: It was bound to be stupid.
Jack: Oh look who got laid last night.
Kirzeh: TThattâs rightt chumps, missionary accomplished!
Kirzeh: I love saying 'fuck me' because itt can eitther be sexual or self-loatthing and tthose are ttwo tthings tthatt describe me perfecttly.
Kirzeh: Jack, whatt do you call people you go outt witth butt donâtt ttry tto sleep witth?
Jack: ...People?
Jack: Too many excess vacation days? TAKE A GOD DAMN VACATION STRAIGHT TO HELL , i mean you can, i cant because im beaned from there
Ralsei: Bonjour, Nepeta. Voulezâvous coucher avec moi?
Nepeta: :33 < No, I don't want to sl33p with you.
Ralsei: Is that what that means? Oh, man, I had a really gross tennis instructor.
Kirzeh: I committtted all 7 deadly sins in 30 minuttes.
Jack: Wow, I've gotta hear this.
Kirzeh: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and atte all his groceries and didn'tt share.
Jack: You forgot pride.
Kirzeh: No, I'm pretty proud of tthis.
Jake: Plants are basically the ideal friends. They are quiet, friendly, and easy to please. All they need is a little water and fresh earth, and they are perfectly happy to lie there all day in the sun. And they donât make increasingly awful life choices, or hide their relationships. They have never, as far as I know, fucked a bee.
Kirzeh: Donâtt preach tto me aboutt romance, Feferi. I had a tthree-way in a hott-air balloon.
Dave: look Kirzeh, I'm not slut shaming you but...
Dave: Actually yeah, I'm TOTALLY slut shaming you.
Kirzeh: "Whatt are you intto?" is such a broad questtion, like do I reply witth a TTV series or choking?
Kirzeh, to Shantae: Please, picking locks is my specialty.
Kirzeh: *throws a brick through the window*
Kirzeh: Okay, letâs go.
Ash: I just found out that humans are capable of fitting a light bulb into their mouth with ease but canât take it out without shattering it, and now I have to physically restrain myself from putting a light bulb in my mouth
Police Officer: You have the right to remain silent.
Jack: I choose to waive that right!
Jack: *screaming*
Gladion: Hoodie pockets are so great. I can fit like three sandwiches and a grenade in there and my hands are still warm.
Vriska: When will Ted himselfâŚfinally show up to the talk?
Gladion: The final boss.
Noelle: You guys know TEDtalks stands for technology, entertainment, and design talks, right?
Vriska: I will not let Ted hide 8ehind these lies any longer!
Nepeta: :33 < What is it called when you kill a friend?
Fefetasprite: Homicide.
Dirk: Murder.
Kris: Homiecide.
Adrian: Why do you hang out with me?
Feferi: Youâre t)(e best t)(ing t)(atâs ever )(appened to me!
Adrian: âŚ
Adrian: I feel a bit sorry for you.
Ralsei: I've never encountered a problem that can't be solved by an spontaneous musical number.
Ash, Lillie & Dave: *screaming*
Equius: *runs into the room* D -- > What's wrong, Lillie?!
Ash: Wait, why are you asking Lillie that when Dave and I are also here?
Equius: D -- > Because Lillie wouldn't scream unless it's an emergency. You two scream whenever you have the chance.
Feferi: If a demon possessed me, Iâd just be like, âOkay, take it from here, good luck man.â
Eridan: "I lost a bet."
Eridan: The second-most ominous phrase in existence.
Aradia: What's the first?
Eridan: "Let's make a bet."
Karkat : YOU LOOK REALLY STRESSED.
Frisk: Haha, itâs the stress.
Gladion: Which one of you was going to tell me that tea tastes different if you put it in hot water??
Kris: Y- you were putting it in cold water??
Crow: Gladion. Answer the question, Gladion.
Gladion: Yeah??? I thought people just put it in hot water to speed up the tea-ification process. didn't realize there was an actual reason.
Gladion: Plus you think I have the patience to boil water?
Kris: You don't have the patience to microwave water for 3 minutes??
Crow: Why are you putting it in the microwave to boil it?
Kris: Do you think I have the patience to boil water on the stove?
Crow: It takes less than a minute.
Kris: Is your stovetop powered by the fucking sun???
Crow: How long does it take you to boil a cup of water on the stove?
Kris: Like seven minutes??
Noelle: Just stick the mug on top of the stove on medium heat and it boils in like 2 minutes... less than that if you use a saucepan!
Crow: Why are you putting the whole mug on the stove?? On medium heat?? Noelle? Your stove is enchanted!
Gladion: Every single person here is a fucking lunatic.
Karkat : DO NONE OF YOU USE THE FUCKING KETTLE?!
Jack: I'm not superstitious... But I am a little stitious.
shantae: Are you trying to give me a fucking aneurysm?
Ash: Pretty sure we all are.
Eridan:I wwasn't.
Jack: I was.
Karkat : I WAS TRYING TO STOP THEM, FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION.
Dave: I just cause aneurysms naturally.
Shantae: Though I admit I donât know much about you, I am feeling pretty confident in my assessment that you are probably some sort of sick deadly fuck.
Kirzeh:Who ttold you my secret?
Aylith: I think we should have glow stick juice injected in our bones when we're born, so if we break our bones, we get a fun little surprise.
Dirk: What's the surprise?
Susie: Blood poisoning.
Equius: You gotta sloww dowwn and smell the flowwers⌠appreciate lifeâs miracles.
Equius: Like me. Iâm lifeâs greatest miracle.
Sollux: *holds a gun out to shantae *
Shantae: I-I don't believe in guns.
Sollux: Well, tru2t me, they're very real. Now take iit.
Shantae: *very seriously* You need to stop doing weird things to cope with the stress. Going outside might help.
Jack: I went to the park today.
Shantae: There you go! I hope you got something from that.
Jack: *opening their coat* This duck.
Shantae, after getting a library card: Now I know what true power feels like.
Gladion: I need a long word.
Nepeta: :33 < T-rex but the long one.
Ralsei: Never gonna make you cry!
Gamzee: NeVeR GoNnA SaY GoOdByE!
Ralsei: Never gonna tell a lieâ
Sollux: II wiill hurt you.
[slow, reverent music plays]
[Verse One]
Jack: I'll be home for Christmas
Jack: Watching the PapaJohns.com Bowl
Jack: Florida State leads by twenty-eight
Jack: So why...is Rutgers...attempting a field goal?! It's 4th and 17, you gotta go 4th and do an inside kick!
Jack: Christmas Eve will find me
Jack: Rocking out to Styx
Jack: As I flog my knob to the J. Crew catalog
Jack: 'Cause the video store closed at six!
[tempo increases, picks up rock beat]
[Verse Two]
Jack: I'll be home for Christmas
Jack: Knockin' back some brews
Jack: Screw nutmeg, I got a party keg
Jack: And I'm crankin' Motley Crue!
Jack: Christmas Eve will find me
Jack: Polishing my horn
Jack: Yes, I'll be home alone this Christmas
Jack: Jerkin' it to porn!
Jack: I'll be home alone this Christmas
Jack: Spankin' it to porn!
[band plays flourish, fades back to slow music]
Jack: I won't be all alone this Christmas
Jack: 'Cause I'll be jerking it....to...porn!
(music stops)
Jack: (laughs) Yeah...
SOULES: jokes on you i dont have a dick SOUL: then how did you? Jack: i ripped it of
Ash: Sometimes, I donât realize an event was traumatic until I tell it as a funny story and notice everyone is staring at me weird.
Ash: When I get murdered, can you make sure I become an unsolved case?
Terezi: WH4T?
Ash: I want to be on Buzzfeed Unsolved.
Terezi: C4N W3 GO B4CK TO TH3 P4RT WH3N YOU S41D "WH3N 1 G3T MURD3R3D"?
Crow: Ladies, gentlemen and Jasprosesprite, I want to show you the greatest thing your eyes have ever beheld!
Karkat : A LLAMA?
Crow: No.
Karkat : A BABY LLAMA?
Crow: No!
Karkat : A BABY LLAMA WITH A LITTLE HAT ON?
Crow: NO! Jack: carrrrrlllll.
SOUL: Are you sure Nepetaâs going to be able to handle that IKEA furniture? Theyâre not very good with technical stuffâŚ
Ash: Why are you worried? IKEA was never complicated; these days, itâs even easier! Everythingâs color coded, numbered, and thereâs even an assembly robot option to make it even easier for Nepeta, which weâve obviously opted in for. All they need to do is press the clearly labeled ON button, scan the QR code on the front of the box, and itâll take care of the rest. Even a monkey could do it!
*Ashâs phone rings*
Nepeta: :33 < Hey, so Iâm at the Lowes in LowasâŚ
SOUL: âŚ
SOUL: I should have gone with the monkey.
Jevil: Do crabs think people walk sideways?
Equius:D -- > âŚJevil, what the hell.
Aradia:Are y0u reading fan ficti0n?
Sollux, reading an article about extremely rare diseases: Wh- No.
Aradia: Oh, is it 0n AO3?
Sollux: Thii2 ii2 CNN. Jack: me and Ash are reading Chosen One's Adventure with Legendaries and have started making a what if all of his companions including us where in it from the start
Eridan: The scariest president had to be Rushmore because he had four heads.
Ralsei: Yeah, itâs a good thing we captured him in that mountain, even if we have to live in fear of the spell wearing off.
Jevil: Do you two still believe in that legend? Come on, Rushmore was killed a hundred years ago! Weâre safe now.
Aylith: You people have clearly never taken a history lesson. His body was never found.
Jack, after watching Frisk get shot by someone: Youâre dead. You are very dead. When you are a corpse I will hack away at your flesh and eat you raw.
Frisk: Jack, Iâm not dead yet.
Jack: Let me have my moment of rage to avenge you.
Frisk: Iâd prefer it if you didnât let me die.
BEFORE UNDERTALE Jack: Aylith, you're my best friend.
Aylith: Best friend? BEST friend?! Bitch, I'm your only friend.
Aylith: I'M THE ONLY ONE CAPABLE OF TOLERATING YOUR DUMB ASS!
Aradia: I haven't seen Jack and Gladi0n f0r fifteen minutes n0w.
*Outside a nearby window, a car without a driver inside is seen rolling down a driveway, with Jack and Gladion running after it in a panic. Aradia doesn't look outside at all.*
Aradia: That pr0bably means they're getting int0 tr0uble.
Aylith: No problemo! Aylith internally: But it was all problemo.
Jack, flying the plane: We're all going to die. Passangers: *Starts freaking out* Jack: All of us will one day, no one knows when. Passangers: *Sighs of relief* Jack: ...but it'll probably be when we hit this mountain.
Jane Egbert: I don't know where "Monkeys like bananas" came from, but I'm so glad it's a thing because it's so fucking funny for no reason at all. Noelle: They are both the same colour. Jane Egbert: ...Uhm? Dirk: They're thinking of Curious George. Y'know, the yellow monkey. Jane Egbert: ...Curious George is brown. Gamzee: PaDdInGtOn BeAr WeArS ThAt YeLlOw AsS CoAt. Jane Egbert: Paddington... BEAR. Nepeta: :33 < You're forgetting George's friend, The Man in the Yellow Hat. Seriously, he has no name. He is always and only The Man in the Yellow Hat. Jane Egbert: His name is Ted. Also, he's not a monkey. Lillie: Paddington Bear's coat is FUCKING BLUE?
Roxy: Why's it called an oven when you of in the cold food and you of out hot eat the food?
Lillie: ...What???
Jack: wha, gota take this call melo Kirzeh enlano: oh tthank gog you picked up jack ! Jack: oh Kirzeh long time no see btw alyiths back! Kirzeh: what aylt- nevmind cros bone is back were only alive cus hes figthing a Half-Genie. Aylith: whate Half-Genie?, tell shantae i said hi!
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Sollux: gamzee, ii2 that my mug youâre driinkiing out of?
Gamzee: nO, iTâs MiNe.
Sollux: iit⌠look2 ju2t liike the one ii haveâŚ
Gamzee: yOu DoNât HaVe OnE lIkE tHiS aNyMoRe.
Karkat : BREAKING NEWS, SOUL HAS DISAPPOINTED US.
Susie: Hey, I say we go down there, kick Jackâs door in, and let them know that weâre in town.
John: That ainât the way we do things here. We may have to go in there and run a con, drop a bug, do the smooth talking.
Susie: Okay, you come with me, you do the smooth talking, letâs go.
John: No, we just canât go in there and kick down Jackâs door. We need a plan.
Susie: Well who makes the plans?
John: Aradia.
Susie: Aradia, what's the plan?
Aradia: y0u guys are g0nna g0 d0wn there, kick jackâs d00r in, let them kn0w y0uâre in t0wn.
Jack: I donât think the therapist is supposed to say âwowâ that many times during their first session with a client, but here we are.
*after discussing a plan*
SOUL: Does anyone have any questions?
Noelle: Is this legal?
SOUL: Does anyone have any relevant questions?
Gaster: I printed up a bunch of fake safety inspection certificates. Go slap one on anything that looks like a lawsuit.
Aradia: gaster, is that legal?
Gaster: When the cops arenât around, anythingâs legal!
Jevil: Next time I'm at the pet store, I'm gonna take a hamster and drop it in the scorpion cage. I wanna see what a hamster's face looks like when it goes, "oh, fuck."
Adrian: Are you really planning to shoot the demon?
Aylith: Don't worry, it's a holy gun.
Adrian: How so?
Aylith: It makes holes.
Gladion: Jade spat in Noelle's ear today when they were sitting on the couch together.
Adrian: ...What?! Why?!
Gladion, shrugging: You tell me
Vriska: What is this!?
Frisk: Thatâs the weight of guilt. Give in to the nice side. Help those unfortunate, and make the guilt go away, my friend.
Vriska: Ow! Make it stop!
Frisk: Surrender to your kindness, Vriska. Itâs nice to be nice.
Vriska: Your guilt is strong, my friend. But it is no match for the power of my selfishness!
Sollux: Petition to remove the 'd' from Wednesday.
Vriska: Wednesay.
Sollux: Not what I had in mind, but I'm flexible.
Adrian: Youâre insane!
Jevil: Sure I am, whatâs your point?
Lillie: Is the plural of milf/dilf milfs/dilfs or milves/dilves?
Jane Egbert: Milfs.
Tavros: Milf/dilf is an acronym, you can't change the spelling to milves/dilves.
Lillie: Wait, they're acronyms? What do they stand for???
Vriska: Mom in late forties, dad in late fourties.
Vriska: I learned that from the movie called M.I.L.F that I saw the trailer of in theaters probably 5 to 7 years ago.
Tavros: Mom/dad I'd Love to Fuck.
Lillie: WAIT, WHAT THE FUCKâ
Lillie: I NEVER REALIZED IT WAS ACTUALLY HORNY!
Vriska: Oh, is it not mom in late fouries?
Jane Egbert: What? No! It isn't!
Vriska: THE MOVIE TRAILER LIED TO ME!
Tavros: Vriska...
Vriska: THIS IS WHY I DIDN'T THINK CALLING PEOPLE MILFS WAS ALL THAT BAD BECAUSE IT STOOD FOR SOMETHING HARMLESS IT JUST HAD A SLIGHTLY SEXUAL CONNOTATION!
Tavros: I am entirely unsurprised that this is coming from you.
Vriska: LILLIE, DOES IT MAKE SENSE WHY I CALLED THE DIARY OF A WIMPY KID MOM A MILF NOW BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS LITERALLY JUST A DESCRIPTOR WITH FUNNY CONNOTATION!
Lillie: The word milf has been ruined for me.
Jane Egbert: THAT'S ITS DEFINITION, IT CAN'T BE RUINED THAT'S WHAT IT MEANS!
Tavros: Y'all are dumbasses.
Jasprosesprite: Whatâs the announcement, Frisk?
Frisk: Itâs a lecture. SOULâs gonna tell us everything they know about sex.
Gladion: It should be an enjoyable 60 seconds.
Ash, writing in a letter: "I'm going to kick.. your... ass."
Ash: THERE. Now send it.
Terezi:: Dude, your handwriting's terrible, are you sure you want to-
Ash: JUST DO IT!
later
Eridan: So what does it say?
Jane Egbert, reading the letter: They say they're going to "lick my...."
Eridan:
Jane Egbert:
Eridan: Gross-
Vriska: Subs are so fun to play with. All you have to do is hint at what you might do, back them into a corner with a look, or grab their wrist in a certain way and they're a wide-eyed mess.
SOUL: What the fuck kind of Subway are you going to?
Equius: Substitute teachers deal with so much shit.
Tavros: Guys.
Aylith: Lillie! I can't do this stupid math!
Lillie: Whatâs the math problem?
Aylith: Well, we have to add the bed, subtract the clothes divide the legs, and hope we donât multiply.
Roxy, covering Jake's ears, while Lillie smacks Aylith upside the head: Not going to lie that was hella smooth.
SOUL: How do I ask someone out?
Aylith: Roses are red, violets are blue, guess what, my bed has room for two.
SOUL: No!
Sollux: Twinkle twinkle little star, we can do it in a car.
SOUL: Stop!
Gamzee: Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily I can make you scream.
SOUL: I feel like the last one is verging dangerously into serial killer territory.
Kanaya: I spy with my little eye something that begins with the letter âsâ.
Jane Egbert: *looks over at Frisk and Jack* Jane Egbert: Is it âsexual tensionâ?
Gamzee: So anyways have y'all seen Jack?
Jake: I think they went in Frisk's room 'studying'.
Kris: Doubt that. I heard groans there.
*Meanwhile in Frisk's room*
Jack & Frisk, fighting:
Gladion: Isnât it weird that we canât ride any other animal except horses. Like if horses werenât a thing, humans would be fucked cause we couldnât ride any other animals. Like riding animals wouldnât really be a thing. We should probably be more grateful to horses.
Ralsei: Elephants.
Gladion: Blocked.
Jake: Camels.
Gladion: Extra blocked.
Lillie: Donkeys.
Gladion: Ultra blocked.
SOUL: That dick.
Gladion: ...Followed.
Lillie: From now on we will be using code names.
Lillie: You can address me as Eagle One.
Lillie: Ralsei is âbeen there done thatâ.
Lillie: Hal is âcurrently doing thatâ.
Lillie: Jasprosesprite is âit happened once in a dreamâ.
Lillie: Jane Egbert is âif I had to pick a galâ.
Lillie: And Aylith is..
Lillie: Eagle Two
Aylith: Oh thank god.
Tavros: Terezi, you'll be working with Crow and Jane.
Terezi: Alright! My fantasy threesome!
Everyone else: *blank stares*
Terezi: ...Of people on a team.
Jack : This food is too hot... I cant eat it.
Frisk: Youâre very hot, and I still eat you.
Everyone at the table: *silence*
Adrian: YOU GUYS ARE DISGUSTING!
Aylith: One dinner... I just want ONE DINNER!
Davepetasprite: I sleep with a gun under my pillow.
Arquiusprite: I sleep with a knife.
Lillie: Both of you are pathetic.
Davepetasprite: Oh yeah? What do you sleep with?
Lillie: Aylith.
Rose: Make her pussy wet not her eyes.
Nepeta: Make his dick hard not his life.
Terezi: Break her bed not her heart.
Hal: Play with her boobs not her feelings.
Frisk: Get on his dick not his nerves.
Kris: Always salt your pasta while boiling it.
Eridan: If you had too, what would you give up food or sex?
Erisolsprite: Sex.
Jakepetasprite: Seriously, answer faster.
Erisolsprite: Iâm sorry honey, when they said sex I wasnât thinking about sex with you.
Jakepetasprite: Itâs like a giant hug.
Eridan: Terezi, what about you? What would you give up sex or food?
Terezi: Food.
Eridan: Okay, how about sex or dinosaurs?
Terezi: Oh my God itâs like the movie Sophieâs Choice.
Aradia: What about you Lillie? What would you give up sex or food?
Lillie: Oh... um... I donât know, itâs too hard.
Aradia: No, you gotta pick one.
Lillie: Um, food... no, sex... no, food... sex... food. Ugh! I donât know! I want both! I- I want hot people on bread
John: Is letting someone win at chess sapiosexual bottoming?
Terezi: Can everyone in this godforsaken group please learn the skill called "Think Before You Speak"?
Jane Egbert: Ya know... it might be.
Gamzee: Why is everyone so obsessed with top or bottom? Honestly, Iâd just be excited to have a bunk bed.
Jack:
Jack: I'm gonna tell them.
Crow: Don't you dare.
Crow: What did Jevil do this time?
Aylith: More like WHO did Jevil do this time?
Sollux: sapnu puaS.
Ash: What??
Nepeta: What language is that.
Sollux: Turn your phone 180 degrees.
*Sollux was removed from the groupchat*
Jasprosesprite: I'm gonna eat the chicken breasts!
Nepeta, snickering: Yeah, eat what you lack.
Ralsei, deadpanning at Nepeta: Then maybe I should order brains on delivery for you.
Frisk: your dad doesnât deserve you.
Frisk: If they don't treat you right by now, you're gone.
SOUL: I'm gone.
Frisk: Now go chop his dick off!
everyone at a theater for a production of Beetlejuice: The Musical
"Ensemble" singing:
DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WANâ GO
AH, AH, AH, AH, AH, AH, AH, AH
Priest: In times like these, we have no words, we have only each other. Today, we come together to mourn the passing of Emily Deetz. Devoted wife to Charles, beloved mother to Lydia. Scripture tells us, âSorrow not. For we do not walk alone.â
Aylith as "Lydia Deetz" singing: YOUâRE INVISIBLE WHEN YOUâRE SAD
CLOCKS TICK AND PHONES STILL RING
THE WORLD CARRIES ON LIKE MAD
BUT NOBODY SEES A THING
WHISPERING BEHIND THEIR HANDS
LOST FOR KIND WORDS TO SAY
NOBODY UNDERSTANDS
THEN EVERYONE GOES AWAY
GROWN UPS WANT TO FIX THINGS, WHEN THEY CANâT, IT ONLY FILLS THEM WITH SHAME
SO, THEY JUST LOOK AWAY
IS IT BEING GREEDY TO NEED SOMEBODY TO SEE ME AND SAY MY NAME
SEEMS WHEN YOU LOSE YOUR MOM
NO ONE TURNS OFF THE SUN
FOLKS CARRY ON THATâS THAT
YOUâRE INVISIBLE WHEN YOUâRE SAD
Gamzee as Beetlejuice: hOlY cRaP! a BaLlAd AlReAdY? aNd SuCh A bOlD dEpArTuRe FrOm ThE oRiGiNaL sOuRcE mAtErIaL!
"Gamzee" singing:HEY FOLKS!
BEGGING YOUR PARDON!
'Scuse me! Sorry to barge in!
NOW LETâS SKIP THE TEARS AND START ON THE WHOLE⌠YOU KNOW
BEING DEAD THING!
YOUâRE DOOMED!
ENJOY THE SINGING!
THE SWORD OF DAMECLES IS SWINGING
AND IF I HEAR YOUR CELL PHONE RINGING, IâLL KILL YOU MYSELF
THE WHOLE BEING DEAD THING!
DEATH CAN GET A PERSON STRESSED!
WE SHOULDâVE CARPâED WAY MORE DIEMS
NOW WEâRE NEVER GONNA SEE âEM
I CAN SHOW YOU WHAT COMES NEXT
SO, DONâT BE FREAKED
STAY IN YOUR SEAT
I DO THIS BULLSHIT LIKE 8 TIMES A WEEK
SO JUST RELAX
YOUâLL BE FINE
DRINK YOUR $50 WINE AND TAKE A BREATH
"Ensemble" singing: WELCOME TO A SHOW ABOUT DEATH!
"Gamzee" singing: YOUâRE, YOUâRE GONNA BE FINE
ON THE OTHER SIDE
DIE, YOUâRE ALL GONNA DIE, YOUâRE ALL GONNA DIE
IâLL, IâLL BE YOUR GUIDE
TO THE OTHER SIDE
"Ensemble" singing: OH, AND FULL DISCLOSURE
ITâS A SHOW ABOUT DEATH!
"Gamzee" singing: EVERYBODY GETS ON FINE HERE
LIKE ROGERS, HART, AND HAMMERSTEIN HERE
THE WOMENâS BATHROOM HAS NO LINE HERE
JUST PEE WHERE YOU WANT!
THE WHOLE BEING DEAD THING!
YOUâRE JUST GONNA LOVE THE FOLKS HERE
YEAH, I KNOW YOUâRE WOKE, BUT YOU CAN TAKE A JOKE HERE
AND EVERY SHOW I DO LIKE A TON OF COKE HERE
THE WHOLEâŚ
THE WHOLE BEING DEAD THING!
NOBODY IS BULLETPROOF
I WORK OUT, I EAT CLEAN
JESUS PASS THE DRAMAMINE
TIME TO FACE THE BRUTAL TRUTH!
'CAUSE WE'RE ALL ON A HITLIST
MIGHT NOT LIVE 'TILL CHRISTMAS
CHOKE TO DEATH ON TRISCUITS
HEY, THAT JUST STATISTICS
SO, TAKE A LITTLE BREAK HERE
IT'S KINDA LIKE A WAKE HERE
THE SCENERY IS FAKE HERE
BUT THERE'S A GIANT SNAKE HERE
(Sandworm roars)
(Beetlejuice laughs)
"Ensemble" singing: WELCOME TO A SHOW ABOUT DEATH!
"Gamzee" singing: YOU'RE⌠YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE
THANK YOU!
ON THE OTHER SIDE
HOW YOU DOIN
(woman cries)
"Gamzee" singing: NOT GOOD?
SCATTING
I'LL⌠HEY, I'LL BE YOUR GUIDE
TO THE OTHER SIDE
SERIOUSLY, THOUGH, THIS IS A SHOW ABOUT DEATH
"Ensemble" singing: DEATH IS TABOO, BUT IT'S HARDLY SOMETHING NEW
THERE'S NOTHING MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS CAN DO
'CEPT MAYBE JUST BILL YOU
"Gamzee" singing: IF YOU DIE WHILE WATCHING THIS PERFORMANCE, THE SHOW WILL NOT STOP
"Ensemble" singing: THERE'S NO DESTINY OR FATE
JUST A TERRIFYING WAIT
FILLED WITH PEOPLE THAT YOU HATE
AND ON A CERTAIN DATE, THE UNIVERSE KILLS YOU
"Gamzee" singing: THAT'S THE THING WITH LIFE
NO-ONE MAKES IT OUT ALIVE
TOSS THAT BODY IN THE PIT
"GOSH, IT'S AWFUL, AIN'T IT TRAGIC?"
"BLAH, BLAH, BIBLE. JESUS MAGIC."
WHEN YOU'RE DEAD, WHO GIVES A SHIT?
NO PILATES, NO MORE YOGA
"NAMASTE", YOU FREAKIN' POSERS
FROM THE CRADLE TO CREMATION
DEATH JUST NEEDS A LITTLE CONVERSATION
I HAVE MASTERED THE ART ("Ensemble" singing: DIES IRAE!!)
OF TEARING CONVENTION APART ("Ensemble" singing: DIES IRAE!!)
SO, HOW BOUT WE ALL MAKE A START ("Ensemble" singing: DIES IRAE!!)
ON THE WHOLE BEING DEAD THING ("Ensemble" singing: AH AH AH AH)
"Gamzee" and "Ensemble": GOD, I HOPE YOU'RE READY FOR A SHOW ABOUT DEATH!
BeetlejuicetHaNk YoU! tHaT wAs An OlD sCaNdInAvIaN fOlK sOnG. i LiKe To ThInK i PuT mY oWn SpIn On It, BuT wHaTâs ThE pOiNt, YoU kNoW? i MeAn YoU sAw ThEsE sChMuCkS uP hErE. tHeY lOoK rIgHt ThRoUgH mE! iâM iNvIsIbLe. PoWeRlEsS. lIkE a GaY rEpUbLiCaN! aNd ItâS nOt FaIr, YoU kNoW? iâM a DeAd GuY, sTuCk In ThE wOrLd Of ThE lIvInG wItH nOtHiNg, AnD nO oNe To ShArE iT wItH. aLl I wAnT iS fOr SoMeOnE, aNyOnE tO lOoK mY wAy AnD sAy (HeY. i SeE yOu. I aCcEpT yOu. AnD i FeAr FoR mY sAfEtY aRoUnD yOu.) BeCaUsE dEaD oR aLiVe, YoU dOnâT gOt SoMeBoDy WhO rEaLlY gEtS yOu, ThEn YoUârE gOiNg To FeEl LoNeLy AnD wOrThLeSs AnD yOuâLl NeVeR rEaCh YoUr GoAl WeIgHt BeCaUsE yOu EaT wHeN yOuâRe SaD⌠tHiS gUy KnOwS wHaT iâM tAlKiNg AbOuT. bUt HeReâS tHe GoOd NeWs! IâvE gOt A wAy To MaKe EvErYoNe SeE mE. aLl IâvE gOtTa Do Is GeT a LiViNg PeRsOn To SaY mY nAmE tHrEe TiMeS. aNd IâvE gOt A pLaN. sEe ThAt TiNy LiTtLe HoUsE uP tHeRe? WeLl ItâS a LoT bIgGeR oN tHe InSiDe! AnD tHe PeOpLe WhO lIvE tHeRe, IâvE bEeN wAtChInG tHeM fOr A wHiLe. YeS, iTâs BeEn VeRy CrEePy. AnD nOw, FiNaLlY tHeYârE aBoUt To DiE! tHeYârE gOnNa Be My NeW bEsT fRiEnDs!
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