KixCereal

For the longest time I wanted to keep my the names of my angel babies all to myself and I began to wonder why that was... And the more I thought about it the more I realized that I was afraid of what people might think if they heard that I had chosen to give a gender and name to a baby I lost at 8 weeks, not once but twice 💜💙 but as I look back tonight and reflect on this last year of my life I can't help but wonder who they might have been and I refuse to feel shame for making them real. I refuse to let society make me feel crazy for loving them. I'm not looking to be fixed or healed or cured of my grief... I'm learning to co-exist with it, I'm learning to be happy in spite of all the pain. I'm learning how to balance joy and hope while continuing to honor the memory of the ones who didn't make it. I'm learning to live in a world that makes me feel like I should just shut up about it already and move on...and choosing to tell it to fuck off! And to anyone else out there doing the same, I see you and you got this 💪🏽 #miscarriageawareness #pregnancyandinfantlossawareness #ttc #pcos #miscarriage #recurrentmiscarriage #APS #ttcaftermiscarriage #oneinfour #whitedove #milagros #loreto #laurels #laurelwreath #ttcrainbowbaby #angelbabies https://www.instagram.com/p/B2_XTyAhavJ/?igshid=gdlac8hegumn

This is an open letter to anyone recovering physically, mentally emotionally, hormonally or spiritually from their loss in hopes that my diagnosis might help you find yours! The last 9 months have been absolute hell for Victor and I, we've been grieving our two angels in very different ways and it has been a challenge to learn to respect and acknowledge each other's different ways of healing. While he is afraid and weary of the doctors, I am afraid as well but a hopeful kind of afraid. A few weeks ago I finally had all my blood work done in hopes of some answers to help us make sense of the pain we've had to endure. Overall I'm in a healthy place, the last miscarriage caused me to develop #endometritis which I'm now taking antibiotics for (DO NOT take on an empty stomach!) Aside from that I got some difficult but also in a fucked up way reliving news. I tested positive for #LupusAnticoagulant and was diagnosed with #AntiphospholipidSyndrome. While it isn't necessarily life threatening to me it was what ultimately ended up stealing my babies from right underneath me... Essentially the #LA antibodies create tiny blood clots that just swim inside me and slowly disolve but for an embryo at 6-8 weeks the size of these blood clots is so significant that it will basically clot near implantation site and slowly cut off the blood supply and deprive the baby of blood causing the heart to stop. I tried so hard not to cry at the doctor's office as she described this... But like I said, this was at least positive news... Now we know how to treat the thing that has been causing the losses. With the help of #heparin and baby aspirin I can cut my MC rate from 70% (the odds of untreated APS) way down to 15%. So that is where I've been these last few months patiently waiting for my body to heal and trying to get some answers. It was a hard pill for us to swallow. To think that my MC were kind of technically preventable.. however we didn't know what we didn't know. We've got answers now though and I hope all my #ttcsisters get answers as well. #BabyDust to you all for your #rainbowbabies 🌈 #ttcafterloss #missedmiscarriage #tellmewhy #miscarriageawareness #ttc #APS https://www.instagram.com/p/B2x8iI7hTml/?igshid=1e48ts6qsmgwq