#missedmiscarriage

My babies, thank you for the joy you gave mama papa, even if it was only for the past three months. We would have loved to gotten to know you, to have held your hands through life.

It's 8 hours till I'm no longer a mother. To know that you both will no longer be in my belly. To know that I have lost you forever.

They are going to put me to sleep and when I wake up, you will no longer be there with mama. I have no words to describe this feeling of loss.

They were 11 weeks and 3 days old. They were 4.5cm each. I had monochorionic-monoamniotic twins. I carried them for 11 weeks.

Full of anticipation, joy, waiting to feel them move for the very first time.

It was my third gynae appointment today. Mama was so excited to see you, to hear your heart beat.

But the doctor say you both weren't moving and she couldn't find your heart beat.

I thought, how could that be true? Full of disbelief and shock, I was not ready for this burst of pain.

I refused to accept that you were gone. Mama papa brought you for a second scan. As we waited for an hour, an hour of dread, an hour of googling "chances of miscarriage" "missing fetal heartbeat", an hour sitting and tearing.

I remember entering the ultrasound room of the hospital and holding the doctor's hand in desperation. I told her "the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat today. Please help me". I almost broke down in tears and in fear.

And when she confirmed that she too couldn't find your heartbeat, I felt crushed. How could it be? My babies. How could you leave mama? I haven't got to feel you move, to hold you in my arms.

She called papa in, and I lost control of my emotions. I cried and cried, I didn't care that I was ugly crying. I only wanted my babies to be okay.

My babies, mama papa love you both so much. We were anticipating to see you, to hold you, to weather storms with you.

We still have not accepted that you are lost. My babies, my dear babies.

They told mama that my body hasn't realised that you are gone yet. But you are too big to naturally pass through. They told mama that I needed to do a procedure called "evacuation of the cervix". So that I can return back to normal and "try again".

The doctor says it was a high risk pregnancy. That you were sharing one placenta, one sac and one cord. It was not unlikely to have a miscarriage. But I didn't hear her words. I heard static.

But essentially, a missed miscarriage treatment is an abortion. They would be taking you out, clearing your remains out with a suction tube while I'm under general anesthesia.

I'm not ready to say goodbye. Babies, mama didn't get to hear your heart beat. People will be going to the hospital on Saturday to deliver their babies, but I'm going to the hospital to have you both taken out. I'm not going to be able to bring you home.

Mama wants to bring you both home. I love you my babies. Even if it's only been 11 weeks and 3 days. I love you both more than you could ever know. Mama papa are still grieving, we don't know if we will ever be okay. But we miss you both already.

I had to make a decision about how to “manage” my miscarriage. This included expectant management, medical management, and surgery. I knew for me that I couldn’t see the tissue pass and know that would be the last time I saw her-in pieces. I wanted to remember her whole and thriving like my last positive ultrasound. As a result, I chose surgery.

Surgery Day

I’ve never had surgery for anything so it came with a bit of nerves. Every single person I met was kind, although I wish I never needed to know their kindness under these circumstances. Everything went fast (except for the wait in the waiting room) I was went to pre-op, went back, and woke up in recovery.

When I woke up, I was grateful to know that my womb had been cleared but my heart felt heavier than before. The reality that the future I had planned because of this baby wasn’t the one I’d be living in the coming months was hard. It’s also a struggle I kept to myself.

Before surgery my partner and I had a discussion about my feelings and although he said he understood I didn’t feel very understood. That’s something I’m still sorting through-I can attempt to verbalize what I’m feeling in my body or in my brain but I don’t know if the articulation could truly capture it. If it could give other people a sense of the emptiness, the confusion, the anger, the guilt, that comes with this this then I think I’d feel understood.

During the conversation with my partner he made the statement that even though this is my body he’s experiencing a loss as well. I knew what he meant but this exasperated a feeling-this being my body is a part of my sadness. It feels like my body is a failure. Why wasn’t my body good enough to hold you longer? My brain is overwhelmed with the idea that I’ve found a major flaw in a body that I worked so hard to love even when it was hard. However, I don’t how to forgive my body for this.

In this moment I want to be close to my partner. To feel him…to see if I can feel anything at all. I’m now bleeding and cramping from yesterday and this for sure snaps me back to the fact that there’s one thing I can for sure feel-pain.

I thought I knew heartbreak, but I now know I never have felt true heartbreak until today. I laid back on the bed while I watched the clock tick. It was digital but I could almost hear it ticking in my ears over my internal dialogue. 1:19 tick 1:20 tick 1:21 tick 1:22 tick 1:23 tick 1:24 tick 1:25 and then the door creaked.

On Monday, I went to see my midwife after having some anxiety and just wanting to see that my sweet Dot was ok after not being able to hear a heartbeat on the Doppler during my previous visit the week before and she voiced some concerns. I was supposed to be 11 weeks, 4 days but based upon the measurements on her handheld machine the embryo was measuring 8 weeks, 1 day, the same as my previous ultrasound 3 weeks prior. So she sent me for a follow up at the hospital.

My ultrasound technician, Shelby, a student (I knew because of the bright blue ribbon that was attached to his badge) doesn’t even know that it was her eyes that gave it away today. See, I can’t imagine the bit of sadness that I know must accompany feeling like you have just identified something that is going to change a person forever. But now I do know what it feels like for your heart to shatter and disperse shards throughout your insides. For you to feel the weight of everything and nothing all at once because you know that what’s coming next will hurt more than you could have ever imagined.

When Shelby started at 1:00 she was joyous and had left the screen tilted just enough so I could see it. When she went to look for a heartbeat I saw the screen stay flat, I also watched her try again. Flat. I was so overwhelmed that I asked if we’d need to do a transvaginal and she said yes. I made a comment that I needed to use the bathroom because I’d had so much water and she said she’d finish this part quickly so I could go and she would reset the room. What her nor my partner knew at the time was that I not only needed to release those 32 ounces of water, I needed to release a few tears on my own first. A necessary moment of private emotion before I had to share my sadness with others that had previously shared my excitement.

After changing clothes for the transvaginal, I sat almost numb. My partner made a joke and I struggled to laugh or feel happy. I already knew what he was about to find out soon. Shelby came back, angled the screen towards her, and began taking more pictures. Shortly after, there was a knock and a male who was supervising Shelby entered the room. He asked Shelby to show him the pictures she’d taken so far and then he asked where’s the heartbeat. Shelby did not speak but did slyly alert him to come closer. After a brief look over Shelby’s shoulder he asked me if he could take some pictures himself and all I could muster was sure. I knew he was there to confirm that they’d need someone to deliver the news. When they finished taking pictures, one lowered the bed while Shelby gave me two towels and told me I get could dressed. They closed the curtain and left.

The time in which they were gone felt like an eternity but in reality it had only been 7 minutes. That’s the other thing that alerted me at the doctors office- they normally knock to wrap up in 2-3 minutes. When the door creaked open for the final time it was Shelby and Scott, a man who I’d never met before and I wish I hadn’t today. Scott was the person to say there’s no heartbeat. I could see the face of my partner, who was in a chair off to the side. I could tell that this news has broken him, but he locks eyes with me to see how I’ll react. I don’t. Not because unharmed by this stranger’s confirmation of our nightmare but because I knew the words no one said 20 minutes ago. I know my partner has experienced this before and I wonder if this opened an old wound or had just formed a new one.

Scott stood for a second and asked me if I had any questions. I found myself scoffing because if he had time I’d ask him the 1,000 questions that had formed in my mind. Before I could get out of my head to say no, Scott said well I’m sorry again the doctors will be in touch about follow up soon and he and Shelby exited and said we could stay there for as long as we need to.

I immediately got up and all I wanted to do was leave. Maybe if I could get some fresh air I could process what was said to me. That didn’t work but it did bring me back to reality. A reality that I didn’t want to be in.

In the few hours I’ve known I’ve sent a text messages to the people closest to me because I can’t utter the words. I’ve also taken a total of 3 phone calls about what the first phone call would call a Missed Miscarriage. The first was the midwife who received the results calling to discuss my options. The second was someone calling to schedule my option I chose out of, the D&C. The final one was the midwife I saw on Monday giving me sympathy and talking through next steps I could take if I wanted to. She also asked if I would be able to take a few days off from work. I replied yes to that and hung up. I won’t be taking any more calls today.