A Lady Who Makes Too Many AUs

   The knight was about to rescue the princess.

   He had braved many trials to get to her.

   Three rogues - in red, blue, and purple - tried to kill him. The knight killed them first.

   A monstrous slime attacked him. The knight managed to tame it.

   A red and white dragon nearly bested him. The knight overcame it like every other challenge.

There's something very familiar about all this…

   In a glen outside of the dragon’s cave, the princess waited. She was tall with long black hair. She wore a white and gray dress with white gloves. She was everything the knight wanted in a wo— a princess.

   She smiled as she saw the knight. She stood up from the grass. “You slayed that beast?”

   “I would do anything to reach you, my love.”

   The animals parted so that the princess could throw her arms around the knight.

   She said, “Everything you went through to get to me just proves your devotion, your passion!”

   “Well, here’s some more ‘passion’ for you…” The knight leaned in and pressed his lips against the princess’s lips.

   The knight - WPNZ was kissing glass.

   He was kissing Puzzles’s screen.

   Thrown out of the trance, Mr. WPNZ blinked and pushed the “princess” away. There Mr. Puzzles was, in a white and gray dress, black wig, and white gloves (he never took those off…) WPNZ’s metallic body had been changed to look more like a suit of armor, his hat replaced with a knight’s helmet. The animals were mere props, but Puzzles had complete control over their movement.

   Mr. Puzzles realized that Mr. WPNZ had woken up from his brainwashing. He scowled. “Ugh, I knew it wouldn’t last forever! CUT!”

   WPNZ looked past the scenery and saw a few other copies of Puzzles acting as a cameraman and film crew.

   The copies made WPNZ realize: “We’re in yer head…”

   “Yes. I needed some help with my latest project. You were such a perfect knight. I hope you don’t mind…”

   “Nah, you asked this time. I remember, don’t worry.”

   How could he forget Puzzles begging on his knees that nobody else could play this role?

   “I’m the one worried about screwin’ things up.”

   WPNZ said he would do it, but he could only act while on the job, not act for entertainment. That was when the couple realized that Mr. Puzzles’s brainwashing could overwrite any lack of acting skill. As WPNZ thought back to that, another worry crept into his mind.

   “Wait, what if someone I know from ‘work’ sees this?”

   “Already taken care of. Remember how you saw me as a human? Well, the camera will see you as a human, too. Nobody will know it’s us! I could even credit our roles under fake names…”

   “Y’know, ‘WPNZ’ isn’t my real name anyway.”

   “I mean, I adopted the name ‘Mr. Puzzles’ a while ago… but that’s not important! We must finish this scene. I can edit the kiss together seamlessly, but we still must get to the happy ending every fairy tale needs!”

   “Okay, okay, do what you gotta do.” WPNZ wrapped his arms around Puzzles’s waist as they got back into position for the scene.

   Mr. Puzzles touched the sides of Mr. WPNZ’s head—

   The knight pulled away from kissing the princess. He smiled at his fair beauty. She stared back, enjoying the loving embrace.

   After about ten seconds, the princess helped the knight up. She told him, “We have both been waiting long enough. It is time to move forward… literally, and in our relationship.”

-

   “I hope that’s not yer idea of a proposal, Jigsaw,” WPNZ commented.

   “Of course not.” Puzzles shook his TV head. “I want our proposal to be real, and much more extravagant!”

   “More extravagant than you wearin’ a dress?”

   Puzzles nodded.

   Mr. Puzzles and Mr. WPNZ were reviewing the footage together. Now WPNZ could see the human form Puzzles had given him. He looked tall (but not taller than Puzzles), dark, and… handsome.

   When it came to his appearance, how much WPNZ cared varied. He had a morning routine of getting ready in the mirror. However, he always ended up covered in blood, sweat, and gunpowder by the end of the day. But when it came to people like K– like Puzzles, WPNZ found himself caring a lot more.

   Mr. WPNZ asked Mr. Puzzles, “You don’t… find my knight form more attractive than me, do ya?”

   “What?!” The TV-head looked and sounded offended. “Never! Do you know what I said when I first saw you, WPNZ?”

   “Hmm, don’t think you’ve told me this story. What’d you say?”

   Puzzles grabbed Mr. WPNZ’s chin gently. “The violent stare…” He leaned in. “That toothy grin…” He looked down at his boyfriend’s mouth. “And those weapons…”

   Then the two kissed. After a few seconds, they moved onto their version of making out. WPNZ had gotten used to sliding his tongue against Puzzles’s screen, while the TV-head sent little shocks straight to his mouth. WPNZ purred and Puzzles giggled at the sensation.

   When they finished and pulled back, Mr. Puzzles whispered, “The perfect partner in crime…”

   Mr. WPNZ had never pictured settling down with anyone. Yes, he had gotten married. When he said “settling down,” he meant it literally. Somehow, Mr. Puzzles had convinced him to do so.

   After putting the nonsense of WOTFI and SMG4 long behind them, the two villains had made up. They went from being acquaintances to friends to boyfriends quickly. In the process, they had settled down and gotten a house together.

   Even with all that had happened, the couple kept up their villainy. Puzzles was putting together a new grand scheme… just not with the SMG4 Crew as the victims. The past few years had taught him to stay away from them. Likewise, WPNZ was still an assassin, but he knew he’d never see his family again.

   Maybe, if he and Mr. Puzzles kept this going, he could have a new family…

   Currently, the two were spending the evening together, yet apart. Puzzles was watching a show for inspiration, while Mr. WPNZ was reading a magazine. Days where the two could both relax were rare, but they made it hard for WPNZ to actually get to sleep. He was made for killing, and when he wasn’t doing that, it left him with a lot of pent-up energy. Even getting intimate with Mr. Puzzles could only release so much tension.

   WPNZ got Puzzles’s attention with a “Hey…”

   The TV-head looked up from the TV show.

   “I’m goin’ to bed. I, uh, don’t feel that tired, though.”

   “Okay?” Puzzles raised an eyebrow.

   “I want ya to… do the brainwashing thing.”

   “Are you sure?” Mr. Puzzles asked. He could do it, but he still wanted WPNZ’s full consent. Once, he had said he would take away WPNZ’s memories of his family, but again, he would have only done it if the assassin really wanted him to do so.

   Mr. WPNZ answered, “Yes.”

   “Alright. Let’s get to bed.”

   Puzzles turned off the TV and WPNZ put his magazine away. The couple went through their nightly routines and they ended up in bed together.

   Once they had settled next to each other, Mr. WPNZ asked, “So are ya gonna do the brainwashing or not?”

   WPNZ had called it brainwashing, because that was usually the term Puzzles used. However, this time, the TV-head was going to use his powers more like hypnosis. He wasn’t trying to bend Mr. WPNZ to his will, but put his boyfriend to sleep.

   Mr. Puzzles said, “I think you should start by relaxing a little, okay? It’ll make it easier for both of us. Just close your eyes and take some deep breaths.”

   WPNZ obeyed, despite the difficulty he was having relaxing. C’mon, he could focus on his breathing for just a minute… Once Mr. WPNZ looked relaxed, Puzzles reached out to literally and figuratively touch his head.

   Even though he had closed his eyes as Mr. Puzzles had said to do, WPNZ opened them when he felt the TV-head reaching for him. His assassin instincts kicked in and made him tense up just before Puzzles touched his head.

   As Mr. Puzzles touched his head, Mr. WPNZ remembered the last time Puzzles had done this: a last-ditch effort in a brutal fight. The snowy picture and the loud noise made the assassin want to jump out of his skin. But it felt different tonight. He trusted Boxhead now, even as his mind filled with familiar fuzz.

   WPNZ’s body went limp, and Puzzles held him tight. The hitman knew if this were any other time, he would comment on how clingy Boxhead was being. He couldn’t speak. He could barely form a thought right now. Speaking of which…

   “Usually your mind is filled with so many thoughts,” Mr. Puzzles said, “but right now, you just need to think of sleep… and me, of course. Your loving boyfriend will be right here for you~”

   Yeah… Mr. WPNZ took in Mr. Puzzles’s arms around him. He hugged the taller man and purred. Puzzles tried not to giggle; if he’d known how clingy WPNZ would get while brainwashed, he would’ve done this a long time ago… Er, with permission, of course!

   “Still feeling okay, honey?” Puzzles asked.

   “Yeah, Mr. Puzzles…” Mr. WPNZ answered. He wasn’t sure why he said his full name instead of using one of the many nicknames he’d acquired. Something was telling him it was the right way to address his controller, his puppeteer, his ma–

   “So formal, Mr. WPNZ? I guess I just bring that out in you. It’s good you know what to call me when we’re together like this~”

   Oh, Puzzles was enjoying himself way too much. He hadn’t brainwashed someone this thoroughly in such a long time. The last time he did this to WPNZ was one last dirty trick. And if the assassin absolutely hated this, when would he get the opportunity to do this again? He had to savor this… but he also had to get his favorite hitman to sleep.

   Mr. Puzzles asked Mr. WPNZ, “Doesn’t the bed - and my arms - feel super comfortable?”

   “Mm-hmm…”

   “Comfortable enough you could just go to sleep now…” Puzzles whispered the command.

   WPNZ went out like a light. His static-filled eyes closed and he started to snore. Mr. Puzzles looked at him and smiled.

   Then he thought more about how clingy WPNZ was being. He got a small, sinister idea…

   “Oh, WPNZ? My darling delinquent? When you wake up, you’ll feel refreshed, after sleeping peacefully for several hours. But after that…”

   He left the assassin a little trigger for later. He hoped it’d work… and that Mr. WPNZ would not want to blow his head off for it.

-

   If WPNZ had known how good a sleep he’d get with Mr. Puzzles brainwashing him, he would’ve asked him to do it a long time ago. He woke up feeling refreshed, after sleeping peacefully for several hours. The only side effect was that he’d drooled on his pillow… and woke up hugging Puzzles. Did he do that on his own, or was Boxhead getting affectionate while they slept? He wasn’t sure.

   The day continued normally until lunchtime. As Mr. WPNZ made sandwiches for both of them, Mr. Puzzles sat on a stool at the kitchen island, staring… lovingly? Intently? It almost reminded the assassin of how he stared at his targets…

   Then Puzzles said, “You know, WPNZ, there’s a romcom that just came out. Do you want to go out and watch it with me?”

   As soon as Puzzles said “romcom,” WPNZ felt… different. His heart fluttered, and he felt more… attached? Acting on these new emotions, WPNZ grabbed Puzzles’s hands and said, “Sure, honey! Any movie you wanna see sounds great!”

   “I’m glad to hear it.” The TV-head gave a smile that WPNZ didn’t quite trust. “But, uh, after lunch, alright?”

   “You got it, Mr. Puzzles~” Mr. WPNZ kissed the side of his boyfriend’s screen - his cheek.

   As soon as he called him “Mr. Puzzles,” part of WPNZ’s mind realized that this was something Boxhead had planted in after he brainwashed him. The command, however, was still in control of his actions. Hopefully this was the only thing Puzzles had left in there, because this was just embarrassing.

   Mr. WPNZ finished making the sandwiches and the two ate together. They both ate with one hand because WPNZ insisted on holding Puzzles’s hand. They held hands almost the entire time, from lunch, to leaving the house, to walking to the theater, to getting tickets for the movie.

   Soon, they were looking for the perfect seats to watch the movie from.

   He knew he didn’t need to ask, but Puzzles did anyway. “Do you want to hold hands while we watch the film?”

   Still under the love spell, Mr. WPNZ answered, “Well, if you wanna save some space, Mr. Puzzles… I could sit on your lap~”

   Puzzles’s screen turned bright red. He laughed nervously. “Th-That won’t be necessary, WPNZ! Let’s just hold hands.”

   “Yer the boss, boss~”

   Yes, he was, and he’d really made WPNZ act forward, hadn’t he? The amorous assassin overdoing it was just one consequence he’d have to live with… and hopefully, the only one.

   So they held hands throughout the movie. Mr. Puzzles watched everything on the big screen in front of him, from the previews to the movie itself. Mr. WPNZ, however, watched his boyfriend. It was hard for him to take his eyes away from him.

   About halfway through the movie, WPNZ let Puzzles’s hand go. The TV-head’s eyes flicked to Mr. WPNZ, but he said nothing. He knew the trigger he’d left for him had worn off.

   Internally, WPNZ was freaking out, just a little. He knew Puzzles was strong when controlling others, but he had turned the assassin into a completely different person. So many people had seen him act like that, too…

   However, he also knew better than to make a big scene in a movie theater. At best, he would end up in some viral video. At worst, he would give his location away to his many, many enemies.

   Eventually, he grabbed Mr. Puzzles’s hand again. He didn’t want to interrupt the movie, but he hoped he could show he was okay through the gesture. Sure, Boxhead had messed with his mind, but he did it in a way that didn’t get either of them killed.

   The end of the movie could not come soon enough. Puzzles insisted on staying for the end credits, but then he relented when he saw how impatient Mr. WPNZ was getting. WPNZ nearly dragged Mr. Puzzles out of the theater and into the lobby.

   Mr. WPNZ commented, “That was… something.”

   “Not the worst romcom I’ve ever seen,” Puzzles replied. “What did you think, dear?”

   “I wasn’t talkin’ about the film.” WPNZ gave him a small glare. "What did you do to my head?”

   “I might have added a little trigger when you allowed me to brainwash you last night.” He pouted. “It was meant to be completely harmless, I swear!”

   “Yeah…” WPNZ sighed, knowing he couldn’t get mad over something so innocuous. “Yeah, it was. But why did ya make me act all lovey-dovey?”

   “I thought it would be cute to make YOU act like the lovey-dovey one for a change. Besides, if you really didn’t want to act like that, I did put in another command that would allow you to brush all of it off.”

   Mr. WPNZ didn’t reply. He was thinking about the implications of what his boyfriend just said. If he could’ve stopped acting like that before the movie started, why didn’t he? Yes, he loved Puzzles, but he didn’t want to broadcast it everywhere like the idiot box next to him.

   Maybe… Mr. Puzzles hadn’t made WPNZ act like a completely different person. Maybe, deep down, there was a part of him that wanted to return all the affection he’d been given. He thought he had buried that part of himself long ago, but Puzzles had easily brought it out again.

   If nobody was getting hurt when WPNZ acted lovey-dovey…

   He saw no harm in holding Mr. Puzzles’s hand one more time.

   "Since the invention of the kiss there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind."

   You and Mr. Puzzles were watching The Princess Bride together, and he gave you a look once the grandpa in the movie said that line.

   Once the credits rolled, he asked, “Do you think we’ve ever had a kiss like that?”

   “I’m not sure…” You gave him a smirk. “But we could sure try~”

   “Um…” He blushed. “Right this minute?”

   You frowned as you realized what Puzzles was thinking. “Do you want to go through the whole movie first?”

   Mr. Puzzles sighed. “Yes, that would be ideal. It would be an amazing buildup!”

   You groaned. “But it might feel longer than an hour and a half in PuzzleVision. That place really messes with your sense of time.”

   Puzzles looked disappointed.

   You managed to get him smiling again when you added, “It would be fun to figure out who everyone would play, though. So I’m Buttercup and you’re Wesley. Who’s Inigo?”

   “SMG3, of course. He might not have any blood relatives, but that man would swear revenge if anybody killed his loved ones.”

   “What about Fezzik?”

   “Mario, obviously. He’s all brute strength and dim-witted kindness.”

   “And Vizzini…?”

   “Oh, SMG4, for sure. Not only does that round out the trio, but that man will poison himself by accident someday.”

   “You know, he probably already has. That’s like, all the big roles… Oh, but we need an antagonist. Who would be Prince Humperdinck?”

   “That’s a good question. Even with all my acting prowess, I can’t possibly play the hero and the villain. Nobody from SMG4’s past really stands out to me, either. The closest I can think of is maybe… Wren?”

   “He’s definitely got the thirst for violence, but being an Inkling, he’s a little…”

   “Short?”

   “Yeah… and, you know, dead.”

   Neither of you wished for the perfect Prince Humperdinck to show up, but it happened. He had a love for violence, a desire for torture, and he was going to murder you. Much like how you’d met Mr. Puzzles, you were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time when Mr. WPNZ decided he was going to get his kids back by force.

   You were Katie, Zach, and Cory’s babysitter for the day. Karen was out at one of her many jobs, and it was your turn, out of the SMG4 Crew that usually cared for the kids. Then everything changed when WPNZ attacked.

   You were on the ground in the house’s front yard, and the worst he had done was made you twist your ankle… so far. He had the kids in his one big hand. The other was now shaped like a minigun and pointed at you.

   “It’s nothin’ personal,” he growled, “but no one is getting in the way of me getting my kids back.”

   Fortunately, you had a plan.

   While WPNZ had been chasing his kids, you had called the first contact you could on your phone, which was Mr. Puzzles. He was right at the top because he was your boyfriend and he never shut up. Hopefully he wouldn’t confront the assassin alone…

   Then Puzzles showed up, alone. In one hand he held a gift you had made for him, with Professor E. Gadd’s help: a yellow lightsaber with a star-shaped tip. You knew it was non-lethal, but maybe he thought he could intimidate Mr. WPNZ with it?

   WPNZ asked, “Who the hell are you?”

   (Seemed like he wasn’t intimidated.)

   “I am Mr. Puzzles!” He unsheathed the lightsaber, the blade and star tip glowing bright. “And I will fight you not to the death, but to the pain.”

   “What?”

   “‘To the pain’ means the first thing you will lose will be your feet, then your hands.”

   You noticed he skipped the “ankles” and “wrists” parts, because neither of you could tell if WPNZ even had those. He definitely didn’t have a nose.

   So Puzzles continued, “Then I’ll cut out your tongue, your left eye, and then your right. But whatever you hear out of, you’ll keep. You’ll keep your ‘ears’ so that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish, so that every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out ‘Dear God, what is that thing?’ will echo in your perfect ‘ears.’ That is what ‘to the pain’ means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.”

   WPNZ sneered, some of his teeth showing. “You can’t possibly mean all that, freak.”

   “…No, I don’t.” Puzzles sheathed the lightsaber. “But I did stall for long enough for my friends to arrive!”

   Mr. WPNZ never saw Mario’s knee to the face coming.

   He dropped his kids, but SMG4 grabbed them.

   SMG3 and Meggy joined Mario against WPNZ.

   Meanwhile, Mr. Puzzles tended to you. He asked, “Are you okay, darling?”

   “Just a sprained ankle. He could’ve done a lot worse.”

   “I know. I… I could’ve lost you.”

   “If you hadn’t distracted him… I could’ve lost you too.”

   You leaned in and pressed your lips against his screen.

   Since the invention of the kiss there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind.

   You both kept your eyes closed until the fight against Mr. WPNZ was over.

A = Affections (How do they show their love)

Mr. WPNZ shows most of his love through violence. He will literally kill for you. However, in private, he becomes willing to let his guard down and get intimate.

B = Body part (Their favorite body part)

WPNZ likes your face, especially your mouth, and your torso. They’re where you can return affection to him.

C = Children (Do they want kids)

Been there, done that. Mr. WPNZ wouldn’t mind having kids again, and he hopes to do better a second time. He just hopes you want them too.

D = Dating (Often going out or not)

WPNZ likes to stay in with you. Your job makes going out too often difficult. If you two are both enjoying yourselves on a hit, then he’ll consider that a “date,” too.

E = Experience (Dated before or no?)

Dated, married, and had children.

F = Favorite places (Locations they love going to)

WPNZ is most comfortable “on the job,” but if you want to go out somewhere, sure.

G = Goofy (Are they jokesters or not?)

Mr. WPNZ only jokes around with you, after he’s killed someone, or to rile others up.

H = Hair (Are they well groomed or are they going hobo today?)

WPNZ shaves, brushes his teeth, combs his hair(? you are still not sure if he has hair), and puts on a clean outfit every morning. Expect him to look like a total mess by the end of the day, though.

I = Intimacy (Close every day?)

Intimacy is something Mr. WPNZ struggles with, and it only got worse after he left Karen. It took you both a while to admit you loved each other. Patience is key to getting him to open up to you.

J = Jealousy (How jealous they get)

WPNZ never makes a show of it, but if he feels someone’s getting too close to you, he’ll wait until they’re gone to say they want to kill them. He might act on said feelings if they do get too close. If he thinks you unfaithful, however, keep your weapon of choice on you at all times and pray that you’re faster than him.

K = Kisses (Where do they love to kiss)

Again, Mr. WPNZ goes for the mouth and torso because he knows you can return kisses to his.

L = Love (How you both met)

Hitman Inc. put you and WPNZ together on the same job.

M = Marriage (Do they like the idea)

Mr. WPNZ really does want to do better with you than with Karen. If you want to get married, sure. Just don’t expect him to equate “marriage” with “settling down.”

N = Nosy (Do they get all up in your stuff)

WPNZ knows better than to snoop, especially in your line of work.

O = Open (Open about the relationship or nay)

Mr. WPNZ does not tell anyone you’re together, concerned that someone could use you as ransom or vice-versa. You’re both very capable assassins, but someone threatening those he loves (Karen, his kids, Toomp, or you) is one of his few genuine fears.

P = Pet Names (What do they call you?)

“Babe,” “doll,” “sweetie,” “sweetheart,” etc. Yeah, they’re all typically female pet names probably because his last relationship was with a female. He’ll only stop if you really don’t like it. He doesn’t mind if you use the same pet names for him.

Q = Quirks (Interesting bits)

Mr. WPNZ is really good at impersonating different voices. He usually does it on the job, and mimics different people to lure out a target. You’re pretty sure the only voices he can’t do are female ones.

R = Random (Are they spontaneous or calm)

It would be hard to call it “calm” - WPNZ would say “collected.” He only acts spontaneously if a plan’s going wrong or he’s not quite sure exactly how to kill his latest target. If he trusts you enough, he’ll let you decide.

S = Spoiler (Spoil you rotten?)

Mr. WPNZ is not the type to spoil his lover. He wants to have the basics for himself first, and then you. Maybe he’ll steal get you something if you really want it, though.

T = Takings (Why’d they fall in love with you)

You’re an assassin who coordinated well with WPNZ, whether Hitman Inc. put you together or not. You always have each others’ backs when you’re backed into a corner. WPNZ doesn’t bring it up, but it’s very similar to how he fell in love with Karen.

U = Uterus dealings (How do they handle your period?)

Mr. WPNZ has seen enough blood and handled Karen’s own period to put up with your period. He’ll try to stay out of your way. However, he’ll do anything you ask of him and buy/steal what you need.

V = Volatile (Do they have a temper)

Oh yes. WPNZ usually takes it out on others, but it’s quite easy to get caught in the crossfire.

W = Wildcard (Random fact)

Mr. WPNZ likes showing off his strength. Yeah, he doesn’t need to work out, but it’s still impressive he can carry you like it’s nothing. He’ll also do a lot to get you in his arms.

X = Xystus (Most men love their gardens, do they?)

WPNZ has no patience for gardening. Any flowers he gets you are because he stole them, and only 20% of the time does he actually grab your favorite.

Y = Yearning (Lots of physical contact or non)

Mr. WPNZ shows the most physical contact when you’re alone. Publicly, maybe he stands a little closer to you and puts a hand on your shoulder sometimes. Privately, he hugs, kisses, cuddles, and whatever else you’re comfortable with. And yes, he does bite, but only if you like it. ;)

Z = Zzz (Lazy or active)

As an assassin, WPNZ lives a pretty active life. He only slows down when off the clock. You’ve caught him napping a few times. Sometimes it’s by himself, sometimes you join him, sometimes Toomp joins him.