kawaii af

All of these thoughts I have Negate each other I keep trying to understand How to make it better But I can't make it better

Depression still plagued me, it was still there in my head, but I found ways to make it quieter, and ways to make it hurt less. Very, very, slowly, I even found ways to be happy. I realised that my happiness was my responsibility, and I couldn't just sit there waiting for depression to leave me. There's a quote I found during that time which I really like: "no matter how far from the truth we are led by histrionics and lies, the truly, objectively beautiful remains untainted." I thought about that a lot and I still do. No matter how bad things get, no matter what awful things my brain throws at me, there is objective beauty in this world which can never be taken away. I worked really hard to see it everywhere. Flowers, the moon, my cat, my mum, strawberries, anything at all. I just reminded myself that to me, these things will always be beautiful, and my depression couldn't stop that. Eventually it was less hard work to find beautiful things. I saw them everywhere, and I still do. Another is from Oscar Wilde "the only reason for a useless thing is that one admires it intensely. All art is quite useless." When I first discovered that quote I believed myself to be useless. This quote made me smile. Everything here is useless really. The only point is to love things and sometimes to let them love you.

I’m having a bad day. The kind of bad days where I’m trying really hard to be the kind of person I want to be. I’m trying to be someone I’m proud of. I’m trying to not let how people react to me affect me. I’m trying to be the type of person who can do that, but my insecurities are getting the better of me.