KiliKiliPower

You are seeking an affectionate relationship, offering fulfilment and happiness. You are capable of powerful emotional enthusiasm. Deep down, you are a kind loving person, always helpful and willing to adapt yourself if necessary to realise the bond of affection that you desire. But you need the same consideration and understanding from others and it is this need that will sometimes hold you back... so let go, trust and you may pleasantly surprised at what happens.

You are an emotional and sensitive person. You are inclined to delight and wallow in all things that give pleasure to your senses but nevertheless your tastes are refined and you reject anything that is indecent or vulgar.

Nothing seems to be going right for you and you are thwarted every way you turn. You are not at all happy with the situation but it would appear that there is very little that you can do about it at this time. Sit back and let the situation take its course, because at this time you feel that there is nothing you can do to change whatever needs to be changed.

It is said that we are all influenced by our environment and indeed you are no exception. It would seem at this time that even though you may be surrounded by people, you are experiencing an inner loneliness. Fortunately you are sufficiently strong minded to realise that life has a great deal to offer you and that you may miss your share of experiences if you fail to make the best use of every opportunity. You therefore pursue your objectives with a fierce intensity and are prepared to commit yourself deeply and readily. You believe that whatever you would like to do or think 'you can do' - you do! It is because of this attitude that you may be considered by others as arrogant and even conceited, but its fair to say that whatever it is that you really want out of life you will put your heart and soul into it and will not take 'NO' for an answer.

I realize that in my last relationship - aka my first love - took a lot from me. It took time for me to fall in love with my boyfriend at the time. When it finally happened, I loved hard. I loved him so much that he was literally my other half and I couldn’t be whole without him. Breaking up after two and a half years is tough when you become that attached to someone. You feel empty, incomplete. The fact that I broke off the relationship didn’t make anything less easy or less painful. 

I hated feeling that way and there was no way I was going to be depressed over some guy who didn’t support me in my pursuit of success for my future - which would have been our future, but whatever. Hence, I turned to feelings of bitterness towards my ex, convincing myself that he’s no good for me, we can’t be friends, and I have NOTHING to gain from his existence anymore. I have to admit I tortured myself for about a year after the breakup trying the “let’s just be friends” thing, still keeping up with him by stalking him on social media, and so forth. I forgot what triggered it, but one day I finally gained the courage to completely DELETE him from my life. It hurt like a bitch - like your computer crashing 10 pages into an essay you didn’t save. But this time, it was invigorating. Kind of like getting your eyebrows waxed.

So I went on without him. I was in nursing school at the time and it took up about 95% of my life for a good 12 months. In that time, I made new friends, reconnected with old ones, and I fell in love with nursing, and I learned to love myself. Now the latter is actually a huge deal for me. I grew up being bullied about my weight and appearance, so one of the things I loved about my ex was that he always made me feel beautiful, sexy, attractive, and just good about myself. He was my cheerleader, my confidant, and my rock - so you can imagine how dependent I was on him for my wellbeing. But there I was, so busy with nursing school and having so much fun that I didn’t even have a chance to think about my ex - or any guy.

SO YEAH. I basically did my own thing. I focused on school, my family, my friendships, and myself most of all. In the midst of all of that, I found love.

Instead of expending energy on feeling depressed and empty, I found myself pouring my heart into everything else I did. Here I am about 3 years later finally realizing that. I find myself saying or thinking “I love this”  or “I love that” so often. Or caring about someone or something way too much. Especially as a nurse, a lot of caring, compassion, and patience goes into my profession and I wholeheartedly give my patients my services, which is not easy. What can I say? When I love, I love hard every time. I know what love is and I don’t use it loosely, but everything and everyone in my life has just been so special. I’m thankful for every moment and every obstacle that comes to me because I always learn something from them. 

I’m not saying that after my breakup, every day and every second has been great, every moment is happy, and nothing bad ever happens anymore. I just know that I’ve changed in a way that allows me to put my best foot forward and use my huge heart to better myself and heal others. The most important thing that I observed is that on my bad days or days that I feel needy, it’s because I haven’t found something to love or be thankful for that day. I haven’t made any resolutions for the new year, so I guess something that I should do is: fall in love every day. 

It doesn’t even have to be with someone. Another thing that helped me realize this is my lunch date with my ex last week. We had been intermittently exchanging conversation in the last few months and I’d like to say that we’re civil and we’re in a good, mutual place in regards to where we stand in our new platonic relationship. For the last 3 years since we’ve broken up, I’ve denied the saying about how your first love never dies out or whatever. Having lunch with him last week and having this new sense of self helped me change my views on that saying. I realized that I really am not in love with the guy anymore, but I’ll always have love for him and the people he brought into my life. If there’s any other human being that knows about me as much as I do, It would probably still be him. I don’t have any more *feelings* for him, but I do appreciate having him in my life still.