Yesterday I went to my first class of the day: LGBT History. When I walked in the Professor was looked at the class and said "Today I want to start with talking about something important before the reading." We proceeded to discuss the loss of gay rights in Hungary and the quickly disintegrating rate of acceptance for the very human beings that sat in that class together. We talked about how our safety is becoming more and more under threat and tried to reason what makes people hate others with such fire.
We then ended this conversation as it is dangerous for our professor to speak so much on politics. His job is already under high scrutiny for the topics he teaches. We then proceeded to talk about our reading on the AIDS crisis for the rest of the class period, another instance of hatred that caused so much hurt to our community and still does to this day.
By the end of the period I was so overwhelmed I sat outside for a few minutes to call my mom and try not to cry when describing how scared I feel when I look towards my own future.
I settled into my seat in my second class of the day and the professor began to teach about the myth of Atlantis. 30 minutes into this lecture students receive alerts and stop class to tell him we are under an active shooter threat. There is someone on campus with a gun hurting our fellow classmates and we are being told to shelter in place.
My professor quickly reasons with himself that he's sure it's fine and we are in a safe building so we will continue with class. He does not try to hush the class or lock the doors, he simply keeps lecturing as if nothing is happening. This goes against everything I have ever learned to do in a situation like this. I have had drills since kindergarten and we are following none of the steps. Terror is starting to sink in.
The TAs thankfully tried their best to barricade the door that leads inside but quickly realize it opens outwards so there is little hope in this stopping anything. My classmates are starting to leave. They are running away through the second set of doors that leads directly outside and are still unlocked. Every time it opens I am stricken with the fear that the shooter will see and come inside.
I realize the situation I am in and that I have to tell my mom where I am and what's happening. I have to send the text that I had seen in so many movies and shows but never thought I would have to send. I spend the rest of the lecture checking in with my friends that go to FSU and making sure all my loved ones know I'm doing okay but am still on campus just waiting.
By the end of the lecture the TAs and my friend have put their belts on the doors to better seal them shut. These thin pieces of leather are the only true barrier between us and the world outside. At the end of the lecture my professor again asks the class for an update and everyone tells him we are still under lock-down. He just sits down and is on his phone for the rest of the time we were in that room. We have the lights on, people are talking loudly to their family over the phone and many people have live streams of news services to keep updated. Even the slightest noise of something by the doors moving has everyone's head whip around.
I'm receiving updates from various people and seeing pictures of those dead, wounded, people running, and plenty of rumors through class group chats.
I have never felt so much fear and so little all at the same time. Even now I feel like my emotions are behind a wall and I can only access it in small parts. Slowly processing each peace as time continues.
Eventually we hear a knock on the door and my heart drops. The TAs panic for a moment then ask them for the safe-word that had been sent out to everyone and for a badge number just in case the shooter is a student and saw it. Once confirmed its safe, they open the door and we file out.
I got outside and everything looked oddly the same as before. There were students walking around calling their loved ones and deciding what the next step was.
Unsure what to do, I called my mom as I walked back to my car. I heard sirens passing as I unlocked the doors causing another strike to fear fly through me as I quickly left.
This is not normal. This is not something to see as a tragedy and then quickly move on. This is something we can fight against and lessen the chances of. Don't be complacent. Fight.
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