so What

he asked to be roommates and i kinda just came to the realization that i would not be able to be his roommate for the same reasons that i shouldnt continue the friendship. he continually was unreceptive to hard conversations we would have and pretty dismissive about things he did that hurt my feelings.

today i cut things off bc i was kinda tired of being led on and not being really heard or seen. he didnt even care. he just accepted it, which i mean yeah, i dont think theres an easy way to process that kind of news, but he really just thought everything was fine after i repeatedly told him i am really struggling to get over my feelings for him. all and all it was for the best but i do miss him and wish he couldve grown into a better person. i think hes just emotionally stunted and literally cannot process that he can do harm without intent

the past year has been so rough mentally.. im having a hard time balancing time for friendships and time for work, and moreover most of my friends are people i work with so that adds a layer of complexity to my issue with self-image/self-esteem

theres a weird dynamic i have with people at work bc im a shift lead so they all take direction from me while at work (not that im any more important or competent, but i have responsibilities they dont)

and now im going through a friendship/situationship breakup that is causing me so much stress... the separation being on my own terms is kinda tripping me out bc ive never really had this kind of conversation with someone, even in my past romantic breakups..

it just sucks bc my weird coping mechanism is to self-isolate and now that ive accidentally cut-off most of the people ive had meaningful connections to, im struggling to cut off the person who actually needs to leave my life (it feels weirdly like an abusive relationship where the abuse is emotional except its really not manifesting in ways typical of emotional abuse. that being said, it is similar in that i have an emotional codependency on this person so leaving feels like im ripping my heart out..)

i had a thought that went something like this:

"blogs are so cute you can just post whatevers on your mind, i wish i had a blog... *realization* i do have a blog!"

so this is me making a blog post, hi