Join the Swarm

When you entered the petplay scene, you weren't sure what you expected. It for sure wasn't for someone to get you addicted to being hooded and bound, slowly gropped and touched by many many hands until you felt about to explode. They'd started slow, with just the hood and many reassurances about how much of a pretty bird youd make, but by now they had fitted you with fearsome looking claws (usually bound behind your back when you were hooded), and a mean looking strap. Recently, they'd started making you get off by humping and grasping a pillow when they rung a bell, and telling you what a good greedy bird you were each time you got to it faster and faster as they unbound you. The more mean you were, the more ruthlessly you rutted against it with the strap, the more claw marks you left behind, the better the reward afterwards. And you were one eager to please falcon.

i wore boxers today. it was disobeying, technically. i dont know if Owner told me i was never allowed to wear them again, or if i had to ask. either way, it was the last clean thing in my laundry. i was running late so i let Him know why and apologized and moved on. He forgave me, as long as i did my laundry. haha, He helps me so much.

its been weird. i remember buying my first pair of boxers. i was so nervous, i spent weeks looking for the right brand to buy. and when i finally found them, they made me so euphoric. now they just feel like clothes. less pretty, honestly. i found myself wishing i was wearing something prettier when all my friends were punching me and teasing me.

they havent made me feel like a boy. honestly, very few things have in months. the last clear thing that did was a muscle t shirt i wore. i felt really masc in that. besides that, i feel either gender fucky or femme most of the time now. i dont know if its the phase of my life im in or if thats just, me now. i guess my brain is kinda in the in between right now from flipping to nonbinary and girl. its kinda a lot sometimes, so much change in what feels like such little time.

April 2024

Looking back is always a bit easier, you get a clearer picture of how things actually were. Versus how it might have felt in the moment.

I was depressed, the most depressed I have been as an adult. I didn't have any friends, any plans, I was living alone in a horrible apartment.

I set a lot of clear rules for myself. I wouldn't share my deadname with anyone, I would never show photos of my face, every photo I would send would be scraped for metadata, I wouldn't share any details about my personal life, I wouldn't get into a relationship, I would type and talk differently than normal to avoid anyone knowing me. With all those rules and what I thought was a clear head, I joined a detrans discord. At first, I only lurked. But I started reaching out to roleplay requests and dming people. That was how I ran into Him.

So it was a random thursday I think. I didn't have work and I spent all my time touching and looking for people to play with. I had started a few months earlier. Although I was nearly passing as a guy in most, if not all situations, I started to want to play around with my gender more- for me this came across as a detrans kink. I liked the idea of someone else controlling basic aspects of my identity. I missed basic things about being more feminine, and it felt like a way I could express it, but still externally look and be more masculine. It was only a kink- I told myself.

We introduced each other, we went over kinks and limits. Hypnosis came up very quickly, and we talked about it in a detrans space. He talked about taking me slowly from a masculine person who wears feminine things to someone anyone would only see as a girl. I got wet and begged Him to play.

He asked me a lot of questions. About the most intense things I had ever done, how far into the kink I was already. He decided I could go much further, and that I would enjoy it. He told me to smoke, and drink. I got pretty fucked up. We took a bet, our first of many. I would tell him my real name if I could take a shot. So, I did. And then he asked about my old chest, before I cut off my tits. So, I showed him photos.

We just started talking, and already I broke the rules I had made in my head. He got me crossed, and wet, and teased me over and over. He started making phrases for me to repeat over and over.

"Good Girls are dumb, Good Girls are wet, Good Girls are soft"

I repeated it over and over, and took hit after hit after hit.

We played for hours. And talked, too. He was easy to talk to. I told Him everything I could. I answered His questions as honestly as I was able to, I dont know how much of a glimpse He got into my life. I must have come off as desperate for some attention, in any way.

He said "Very few people throw themselves at me so eagerly, so desperate to be unmade and reformed. It caught my attention"

It made me really wet to see how pathetic I was being. Eventually we both went to sleep and he told me to be ready the next day.