wandering, wondering

I just got my heart broken, by somebody who I thought would never hurt me. 

It’s been a month, but there’s no sign of healing. Every day is struggling. Every night is a nightmare. I really wish I can run away from all of this. 

So, today, I really don’t have the energy to deal with people. I took my day off.  I told my boss I am sick (I’m not lying, I am mentally ill now). I am sitting in a coffee shop, sipping my iced-coffee while listening to Christmas music, wishing this storm inside my head and my heart to pass.

And here it is, again, the dark clouds.

Miss me, eh? It’s been awhile.

I promise to god I’ll beat you.

I’ll go shopping to grocery store.

I’ll go watching a romantic comedy.

It’s Friday night! I am sitting here alone in Starbucks’s table, everyone’s flocking. I was actually with one of my best friend but he’s going home earlier because he was feeling sleepy and need to catch a flight tomorrow. 

So how everything has been? it’s my first writing on 2019, I guess. It’s really hard to write on my everyday tight schedule and yet, due to me aging, I became easily get tired, that’s my defense. No, I just a procrastinator asshole. And lazy AF. I still didn’t do most thing I thought I’d do.

Okay, where to start. what to write? I don’t exactly know, but I’m pretty grateful I still make it this far despite any sickness that I’ve been experiencing these past years. My inexplicable chest and back pain accompany me every single day of my life. I supposed to go check it on doctor, but I gave up on them because none of them could give me an clear diagnose. No one really knows whats happened to my body, yet it’s hurting everyday. I took a MRI test once, but the result showed that there is nothing wrong with my body, so why is hurting?

So, Indonesian Government decided to unblock Tumblr.

*happy tears*

And kid, you’ve got to love yourself. You’ve got wake up at four in the morning, brew black coffee, and stare at the birds drowning in the darkness of the dawn. You’ve got to sit next to the man at the train station who’s reading your favorite book and start a conversation. You’ve got to come home after a bad day and burn your skin from a shower. Then you’ve got to wash all your sheets until they smell of lemon detergent you bought for four dollars at the local grocery store. You’ve got to stop taking everything so goddam personally. You are not the moon kissing the black sky. You’ve got to compliment someones crooked brows at an art fair and tell them that their eyes remind you of green swimming pools in mid July. You’ve got to stop letting yourself get upset about things that won’t matter in two years. Sleep in on Saturday mornings and wake yourself up early on Sunday. You’ve got to stop worrying about what you’re going to tell her when she finds out. You’ve got to stop over thinking why he stopped caring about you over six months ago. You’ve got to stop asking everyone for their opinions. Fuck it. Love yourself, kiddo. You’ve got to love yourself.