#hansdailynotes

And kid, you’ve got to love yourself. You’ve got wake up at four in the morning, brew black coffee, and stare at the birds drowning in the darkness of the dawn. You’ve got to sit next to the man at the train station who’s reading your favorite book and start a conversation. You’ve got to come home after a bad day and burn your skin from a shower. Then you’ve got to wash all your sheets until they smell of lemon detergent you bought for four dollars at the local grocery store. You’ve got to stop taking everything so goddam personally. You are not the moon kissing the black sky. You’ve got to compliment someones crooked brows at an art fair and tell them that their eyes remind you of green swimming pools in mid July. You’ve got to stop letting yourself get upset about things that won’t matter in two years. Sleep in on Saturday mornings and wake yourself up early on Sunday. You’ve got to stop worrying about what you’re going to tell her when she finds out. You’ve got to stop over thinking why he stopped caring about you over six months ago. You’ve got to stop asking everyone for their opinions. Fuck it. Love yourself, kiddo. You’ve got to love yourself.

Well, shit happens sometimes. This is the first time in this year I feel really upset and disappointed. 

It’s November already. Look how fast the time flies! Slow down please, I’m freaked out.

Finally I’m back to office after taking whole-week days off! It was unforgettable  holiday! The beaches, clubs, cafes, people, everything. Ah I’m starting to miss it right now. I supposed to be back fresh and motivated, but strangely I feel a little bit discouraged and lazy, I don’t know why. Some of my friends told me it’s probably post-vacation blues. But does it really feel like that? I have no motivation to do things, even I got so many things to do! I plan to finish my works before deadline and studying for IELTS, but always ended up laze around with phone in my hand. Endless scroll, scroll.

17.16 on Saturday. I am on a train from Bandung to Jakarta after a long tiring week. The afternoon sunlight is showering my face with grace from the train’s window. I always love the ambience when the sun about to set. I feel peaceful, somehow.

So why don’t we talk about love life! How is your lovelife lately? Me, now, Perfectly single. It’s been a long time, I know. After a severe heartbreak few years ago I found it’s hard to gain my trust again to people I met.. however, who wants to be so lonely in this crowded world? I decided to give it another try. I’ve been trying to find a lover over the past few years. I met so many girls, go to so many dates. Finding somebody in this millenial life isn’t easy, since everybody now is worshiping superficial things instead of try to understand love itself (probably I am one of those people).

It always ended up same. We met, we both interested to each other. We talked about everything everyday. But things get boring. We decide relationship is not for us (either I think it doesn’t work or she thinks I am not the one she’s looking for). I think it’s pretty normal. We can’t make everyone likes us, no matter how good or attractive we think we are. Some people like apples, others hate it so much. I think it is just how life works. If somebody doesn’t like me, sometimes it doesn’t mean that I am not good. We are just not vibrate in same frequency. So why bother to force it?

I’ve been with a long process of meet-and-forget until on April I met somebody who I thought I could share my life with. It was accidental. She’s working as a five star hotel marketer . She went to my office for her marketing job and my friend introduced me to her. My collegue thought that me and her was made for each other and yeah, I’m pretty attracted to her. She was very beautiful but seemed she didn’t know that. I love that kind of people, instead some of peacock type I knew who’s always bragging about how rich and hot and sexy they are and acting like celebrity cause the got tons of followers in instagram (meh!).

This one was kindhearted and soft.  Eventhough we both were busy with our own works, but we always managed to meet up at night after work hours just for a casual chitchat or watching movie. We spent time together on the weekend, went out for breakfast, talking about life but most all the time we just talked about superheroes and digimon. My favorite is Gabumon and hers, Patamon. I started to understand so many informations about her. She’s obsessed with Power Rangers and (she said it was embarassing) Titi DJ. She called her father every ten minutes. She’s actually not allowed to go out at night. She liked the ideas of continuing our study abroad together. I was happy, everything was perfect, I want to protect her with all I got. She got me thinking about relationship again after years.

Until that day. One day after we had dinner together,  She said she would visited her dad who’s already married to another woman after divorced with her mom. She disappeared. No phone call, no text like usual. She used to texted me in the morning, but no. Nothing. Until afternoon. I tried to reached her by phone several time. No answer. I called her cousin to make sure that she was okay. But even her cousin didn’t know where she was. Even when I had to fly far away for work, she didn’t call me. I was confuse about things I did wrong. And she left me with those confusion, without any explanation about why the hell out of nowhere she suddenly changed into a person I didn’t know.

Well, it ended up the same with my previous dramas. I was wrong about her.  Things ended. We didn’t talk anymore. I moved on.  It was painful at first but, I was actually thankful that it was ended before it grew to be another catastrophe. She came to talk to me after my grandfather died, tell me she’s sorry and told me her reasons for leaving me with no explanation. But I don’t think it’s healthy for us to talk again. I let her go.  I hope she was happy. No hard feeling. Let’s pretend we never met.

Since that day, I promised myself not to take relationship things too seriously anymore. It’s time to focus for my career and my plan to continue my study. I don’t want to fall in love anymore at least until I finished my master.

But now, I think I’ve made a terrible mistake again.

I realize that I’ve started to develop crush on somebody who I have not a million years chance to be with.