a nonperson cant wear what was meant for people
technically pride month day 2, dont have any ships finished in time
ive always felt unable to actually call myself "queer" in any sort of way
for as long as ive known that the queer community existed, i have only ever existed as something near it, knowing of it and always staring at it but knew somewhere deep down that i could never really be apart of it
i've called myself nonbinary, transmasc, demigirl/boy, genderfluid, gay, bi, lesbian, etc etc so on and so forth, and nothing fit. not even xenogenders made me feel anything special. calling myself "unlableled" still felt wrong. ive worn "aroace" for a while, and this, too, means nothing to me really. all of my odd feelings can all be traced back to a shitty childhood that i did not escape trauma-free
it all always felt like i was just slapping different aesthetics onto myself with no real understanding of any of it, it felt like i was lying, it felt like i was making a mockery of what it meant to be queer. for years i have tried to make myself a space in this place, so i could pretend i wasnt so alone, that there were people out there like me and i understood them and they would understand me, too. i would be seen. i would be known
it's only clicked for me recently that the reasoning for this is that i. dont belong here, just as i don't belong anywhere else. i dont know who i am in the slightest. my identity has always relied on the perception and words of other people, as much as i might hate this. and thats not really what being queer is, is it?
i am not a person. i am hardly even a Thing. a concept of SomeThing is still pushing it
im not sure why i still exist here. i dont know what i wanted out of this other than a need to escape isolation















