singleplayer minecraft isolation

ive always felt unable to actually call myself "queer" in any sort of way

for as long as ive known that the queer community existed, i have only ever existed as something near it, knowing of it and always staring at it but knew somewhere deep down that i could never really be apart of it

i've called myself nonbinary, transmasc, demigirl/boy, genderfluid, gay, bi, lesbian, etc etc so on and so forth, and nothing fit. not even xenogenders made me feel anything special. calling myself "unlableled" still felt wrong. ive worn "aroace" for a while, and this, too, means nothing to me really. all of my odd feelings can all be traced back to a shitty childhood that i did not escape trauma-free

it all always felt like i was just slapping different aesthetics onto myself with no real understanding of any of it, it felt like i was lying, it felt like i was making a mockery of what it meant to be queer. for years i have tried to make myself a space in this place, so i could pretend i wasnt so alone, that there were people out there like me and i understood them and they would understand me, too. i would be seen. i would be known

it's only clicked for me recently that the reasoning for this is that i. dont belong here, just as i don't belong anywhere else. i dont know who i am in the slightest. my identity has always relied on the perception and words of other people, as much as i might hate this. and thats not really what being queer is, is it?

i am not a person. i am hardly even a Thing. a concept of SomeThing is still pushing it