what a strange, sad day it's been

Watched Challengers tonight with @riotsquirrrl. I have been wanting to watch this since it came out but I'm actually really glad that I did not see it in theaters or in some sort of casual friend setting. I think this movie changed me. Or led me to discover something about myself.

Like, it really did invent new ways to be gay. It also invented new ways to have sex. And it definitely invented new ways to have threesomes. The tagline for it should have been "Fellas, is it gay....to play tennis?"

I think my favorite bit was Patrick using his foot to hook Art's chair closer for no reason and then sharing a churro with him. Like what was that. What was the point of that. Other than to be homoerotic. But also the eating a banana in the middle of the tennis match was a close second.

More seriously, I was impressed by the way I felt simultaneously disgusted by each of these people and also deeply sympathetic to them. Tashi is what I mean by I support women's wrongs. Yes, be an ice queen. Yes, manipulate those men like they're your little dolls. Art struck me as very much of a poor puppy and Patrick was obviously the hottest of messes but he's also known himself to be in love with his best friend since they were twelve and I won't be taking criticisms on this post.

That last sequence at the end of the match being as tense as it was at least part of why I felt so flustered after. I had so many theories about who would win, and my first being correct is actually sort of satisfying. Good for me, I love being right. I think I also kind of got what I would consider to be the happiest ending possible though? Was surprised by that.

Long, rough day today but all I have to do after this is shower and go to sleep. I was actually considering going into work later, but I decided that was too much work making decisions so I just went in at my normal time. I worked really hard just trying to get things done; really locked in etc.

In the afternoon, I had my 3 back to back interviews. I have a clear personal favorite among the three, and I have some suspicions about how the fourth interview on Monday will go. But at the same time, even the two candidates I didn't like as much, were not exactly full of red flags. I think we have a good group of people. Weird to think of a new person in that position, though.

The last hour of the day I just flitted away talking though. A bunch of other departments got out at 2 and we didn't get the memo on that, which I am bitter about. Not that it would have mattered, but on principle.

After work, I had to rush home to get my money because the cascading butterfly effect of my old-ass phone led to me having forgotten it at home. That was very annoying and stressful, and it made me feel dumb. But I still had plenty of time to sit in the coffee shop for two hours with my large vanilla iced latte, listening to a rotating set of acoustic guitarists, and writing down literally 10 pages of incoherent thoughts. Was it helpful? Um, I think so, especially toward the end. I don't think I came to revolutionary conclusions, but, I don't know, it was something. I really want to get back in the habit of planning stories for fun during cafe time, but it's just... for a variety of reasons that's hard for me right now.

When the shop closed, I walked to the station, but it was closed so I had to sit outside. It was humid still, but less hot as it was later in the day. When @riotsquirrrl got in, we went to get pizza. I know I was not thriving. Food helped but already dinner is kind of a blur. My phone was also losing battery fast throughout all of this, which was stressing me out a lot.

Tired. And I still need to shower. I just need a few moments to sit first.

It's been sort of a rough day. I'm just feeling worn out! Work is so stressful and just makes me feel like I'm constantly getting inundated and I'm always behind and I'll never catch up. It's also damn fucking hot and even though I avoid being outside most of the time, it's still... I need to get back and forth from work. Plus of course the concerns I don't want to discuss here, things that weigh on me.

So, yeah, I'm just worn out. I felt almost dazed toward the end of the work day, so I did sleep when I got home. I don't regret that, I was at the end of my spoons, and I did feel better when I woke up and had some food. But there was also a lot to do. I had to wash my stupid sheets, and then some of them didn't dry properly and I had to re-dry them... ugh. UGH.

Tomorrow I have three zoom interviews, back to back to back, in the afternoon. I just... it's fine, but it's so tiring to think about. Though honestly from the perspective of this moment... at least I don't have to make decisions about what I'm doing, and I'm the interviewer, not the interviewee.