birthday in a couple of days and my gramps is on his death bed rn. wouldnt surprise me if the universe decided to be funny and have him die on my bday which i already know is going to be tough 😍

had a couple months of numbness and now im back to just questioning everything and wondering why i havent killed myself yet, not like any of my friends actually would care and certainly not my family. cant remember the last time someone even asked me how im doing

i hate the fact that i could disappear for a week and nobody would ask how im doing

"you need to learn to love yourself before someone else will" and suddenly i started crying because what if i never can and the result is ill be alone for the rest of my life

why do i always say the wrong things

"start loving yourself first" what if there is nothing to fucking love

another day of just feeling ignored by everyone

im so sad because i feel like i cant be happy about the very few good things in my life because of the mountain of things that make me unhappy in my life situation

with how often things have backfired for me socially i dont feel like i deserve shit anymore

when i see all the shit people be doing for each other i feel like im such a bad friend 😭