|Kimberly|

But dear god. Have you ever seen a woman with pubic hair?! It’s fucking gorgeous. It’s sexy, it looks amazing, it’s so great to play with when you’re just chilling. It’s such a fucking turn on.

a little while after he died my little brother and i got cell phones. i got a sparkly new phone number but my little brother basically received a hand me down number- that is to say, the phone number that used to be attached to the spray foam business my dad owned. apparently, for YEARS, my little brother would regularly receive phone calls from interested customers looking for spray foam installation. we are from a small area and things aren’t updated all that often there, so it really did take about 6 years for the business to be removed from local advertisements/newspapers/phone books/etc. my little brother, being a responsible young man, would alert the interested customer that the business was defunct, and he would cordially hang up. 

i wasnt aware of this until he told me about 6 years into this happening. when he told me i remember absolutely ROASTING him because uhm CLEARLY that is such a good OPPORTUNITY to clown people? the possibilities are endless!!! and he was just wasting them!!! he could set up fake meetings with people!! im talking give em quotes and everything and at the end be like “oh…wait…sorry…i just remembered that our spray foam guy died a couple years ago. maybe try again tomorrow? he might be back?” burst into tears on the phone and confuse them!! conduct the entire phone call acting as if spray foam is a food product and not a portion of home construction!! the POSSIBILITIES THAT WERE BEING PASSED UP!

and i go uhmmmmmmm yeah 

so then she asks “do you still talk to him?” 

which, hey, let me pause this story to tell you all that it isn’t cool to ask someone about a parent if they talk about a stepparent but dont mention a biological parent. it’s just a bad move in general. but, in this moment, for me, it was EXHILARATING 

at this point, ive realized: this is the moment ive been waiting for. the ultimate clowning. im gonna drag this shit out as long as i can. im gonna make this person really wait for this punchline. and dear god do i hope everyone at this lunch table who is well aware that my dad was smashed to smithereens a few years ago doesnt say a fuckign word. this is my MOMENT

so i try to school my expression into something neutral and tell her, “no, not really…i guess i could, theoretically, but it’d be kind of weird for me to try.”

this would be a good moment for her to realize she’s made a mistake and drop the conversation. but…she doesn’t drop it. im THRIVING. my little asshole heart is leaping out of my chest in excitement. she pushes onward. she asks me, “have you ever visited him?”

“once or twice”

she still doesn’t drop it. she doesn’t know when to stop. im LIVING for it.  she asks, “where does he live?”

“oh he lives in (town name)” 

im praying she continues to question me. im so close to delivering the most drawn out, morbid punchline of my young life. im absolutely trembling. finally, she asks, having a vague knowledge of the geography of the town im talking about, “oh, where in (town name)?”

now. i ruin the moment slightly. i giggle. im just losing my mind at this point. one of the other people at the table snickers with me, knowing full well what’s about to go down. i decide it’s time. i put this horrible joke into the oven and now it’s piping hot and ready for the home delivery. 

“oh, he lives in sacred heart cemetery.”

BOOM

You’ve been chillin with ur S/O and u decide to get up and get a snack. U never talk to ur S/O’s roommate, but u wanna play it cool like u didn’t just have sex 20 minutes ago in this apartment while said roommate was probably home. Awk af, but u got this.

U look up and nod at them, about to offer a noncommittal “hey” or “how’s it going,” when the fucking roommate just

Looks u dead in the eyes

And fuckin