YOU'RE NOT HUMAN, YOU'RE A MIRACLE

HANDSOME JACK  -- [BORDERLANDS]

do you like morally corrupt assholes who would do anything for a power trip? he’s the man for that

can you say narcissism?

richest man in the universe back home, DEFINITELY all blood money and he’s proud of it

everyone hates him, actually. ESPECIALLY his own daughter

...except for the huge cult following he has. of course some depraved sickos gotta love him.

he was a good guy once. he thinks he still is. he’s wrong

weak for ladies who are good with guns

would LOVE to choke the life out of you (perhaps an innuendo but probably not)

After a day of getting settled back in, it only made sense that Jack would be itching to cause some chaos. Well... that was after he’d partake in some self indulgence. Being dead for ~8 months had him pent up in all sorts of ways, and that very disappointing trip he had made to Cotes late last night had just made it worse. Trees? Everywhere trees? Seriously, what did they do to that place? Luckily, he’d heard through the grapevine about that nice, “new” little place called Crimson Lane in Golden Ward. And he had left immediately for it aaand ended up staying all night there. Who needed sleep, right? Not this guy. Not with what he was doing. But at some point it got a bit old, so he napped for a few hours and then woke up in some sex worker’s bed feeling like some gambling. Which brings about his current predicament: him boredly standing outside of Crimson Lane, smoking a cigarette, and waiting for some stupid motherfucker to walk by that he could take advantage of in gambling. Someone who he could set up on a horrible losing streak and then up the ante. Maybe if they were dumb enough, he could fool them into a round of Russian roulette. And that’s when he saw him, the unkept lanky man who had his eyes glued to his phone in such a manner that he didn’t even notice the light post in front of him before he collided with it and fell down. For some, that’d be a silly indication of someone to scam, but for Jack that made him the perfect target: careless, clumsy, and presenting him with the perfect invitation to step in and get this guy wrapped around his finger. Tossing his cigarette on the ground and crushing it with the sole of his shoe, he strode over to Wheatley. ❝ Hey there, pumpkin. You look like you could use some help. ❞ With his award-winning “you-can-totally-trust-me-I’m-not-gonna-give-you-a-salesman-pitch-after-this” smile, Jack extended his hand down to the brit.

“Oh, how I missed that sense of humor.  Glad to see it didn’t stay dead either!  Look, I know my presence alone makes your finger itch to pull that murder trigger, I get it.  But if it helps you calm down, I’ll keep the needling to a minimum.  I don’t wanna screw up what Tina set up between us, and to be honest, no matter how much we may have been at each other’s throats back on Pandora…I’d like to think we can keep things here neutral, at least.  Without the population of a planet on the line, reigniting our vendetta just sounds tiring at this point.”  That and she hadn’t quite won back enough of her arsenal to want to chance taking a fight to him, but she’d keep that on the down-low.

john’s just watching him dump a lot of spice on his meat. he feels a little concerned that he probably isn’t going to have some left for him. he slathers his own food with the kimchi he got for himself instead, can’t be bothered to get back up again and grab more sauce and spice for the table. besides, he’s in the middle of a conversation. 

the pause happens. the emphasis on the ‘accident’ was very easy to guess. 

“…uh. that’s kind of gross.” he looked unfazed for the most part, but the fact that he kept his former employer’s facial hair was enough for him to make a childish look of disgust. this guy’s fucking nuts, definitely. is john lucky enough to even be alive right now and not get strangled by this guy the next minute? 

“but you do you, i guess. most people i know just keep their enemy’s weapons as their trophies but that’s the first i’ve heard of it. harold must’ve went to the after life wondering where the hell is facial hair is.”  

❝ Heheh, yeah it was pretty gross. The thing smelled like seafood for some reason? Turned me off to seafood for a loooong time. The fine folks in hell are probably glad he’s missing it. ❞ Handsome Jack chuckled as his eyes sat on the meat. The grill was nice and hot so it was already sizzling... Wow, it smelled good. Especially compared to the goatee’s smell that he was currently remembering, that was way worse. If he wasn’t careful it’d get stuck in his nose again just from thought alone, it was that bad.  ❝ Anyway, that’s not all. I was also a hero! Slayed a whole bunch of monsters, plundered great vaults, got my wealth through advancing ancient alien technology... Y’know, the whole nine yards of greatness. The prophetical kinda shizniz. You’re eating with a legend, baby! Surprise, surprise! ❞ He grinned at John as he mixed his meat a little. He wasn’t going to let it cook much longer, he didn’t like his meat being too done. But if he wasn’t careful he’d get all preoccupied with talking about himself. It was his favorite thing to do, after all.  ❝ Now, ❞ not like I care but, ❝ What’s your deal, Egbert? ❞ God it hurts trying to be nice to people.

should’ve known telling jack to back off was the direct equivalent of dangling candy in front of a baby while saying don’t touch.

they sigh at their own foolishness. curse these loaders for proving an adequate distraction. honestly, the fear of possibly being discovered hasn’t quite hit them yet. for now they’ll continue to wreak havoc.

zero snorts at that last bit, how coarse and disgusting. but still mildly amusing. they shake their head incredulously.

gross.

‘ i eat with my mouth/ just not in front of others/ you absolute pig.’

zero has a mouth. and yes it is on their face. whether or not it’s a conventional mouth has no bearing on their eating capabilities. why are they wasting time thinking about this?!

another battalion of loaders stomp out into the open. thank the vault. end this line of intrusive questioning before zero can let slip something they’ll really regret.

poor is generous, half-assed would be more honest. he can coax guilt out of anyone, and that apology did imply just enough to keep lanque going. he practically devoured it, any extra digs are attempts to lick at the plate.

jack has such a sick and twisted idea of fun that lanque can’t help but get lost in the scenery. but… there was one catch. while he definitely adhered to the general consensus of most mid and low bloods that the rich needed to all die out for alternia would be a slightly better place without the higher ups, that didn’t apply here. lanque is profiting off of them, and makes especially good money with those idiots living it up in the high roller.

he completely forgot that jack didn’t know what he did for a living here. half of him is almost concerned that the man takes him for a poor idiot with an array of maxed out credit cards, but the whole of him also knows he just doesn’t care.

the way that jack paints the picture is just so sinful and delectable, lanque finds his eyelashes fluttering as he gets so into it… jack’s never seen what he can do, has he? how effortlessly he can rip someone’s head off of their body, making a necklace out of their spine and drinking from their slack jawed cadaver. it’d be nice to properly be able to show off in place of his usual accidents when he digs his fangs too far into someone’s artery.

“ i’d love to see it. are you sure you don’t wanna see me rip a tongue straight out of someone’s mouth with my bare hands? ” the evening has a little bit more of a black theme than red, but lanque has never been too picky when it comes to blood. especially entangled with dim lights, deafening beats, and the neon that springs his soul to life. murder is seen as such a horror show for so many weak little humans here. for lanque it’s just second nature. “ if you move it to pretty much any other ward, i’d be happy to play. i have too many life lines in the higher levels over there. ” 

more like way too much money to make off of the horny business people there, but eh. tomato tomato. he doesn’t see his escort service as a secret, but it could be a fun little game to see if jack can figure it out.

Jack’s eyes continue to lay intensely on Lanque as he spoke, devilish smirk still on his face. It was suspicious that Lanque was picky about his locale for some good ol’ fashioned Handsome Jack style ‘fun’, but he wasn’t about to openly pry him about it. It reminded him that he needed to dig up a little dirt on the troll; figure out what he did on a day to day basis. Jack was always obsessively keeping tabs on people back home, he wasn’t sure why he’d suddenly stopped the moment he got here. Maybe it was with everything going on, with the strong emotion he felt, that he forgot cautiousness in place of satiating his desires. ❝ I just suggested the knife ‘cause those bastards are slippery, ❞ Jack laughed. Normally joking would ruin the mood, but it’d be pretty hard to do that with how even joking about cruelty was a turn on. ❝ But I’d love to see you pry a man’s mouth open and rip that ugly little thing out like it was nothing. ❞  --Jack’s foot on his chest, pinning him down. Watching the man beg for his life, wanting to curl up but unable to under the pressure. Lanque pulling his jaws open, reaching in, wrapping his fingers around the man’s tongue and just ripping it out with no regards for his teeth. The spray of blood, the look in the man’s eyes, fear and pain. The way his garbled words would come out, no annunciation and meaningless, devoid of meaning to the listener. Maybe they wouldn’t kill him, maybe they’d leave him like that, to suffer the rest of his life.-- The harsh grip on the troll’s jaw pressed him in for a violent open-mouthed kiss. Handsome Jack was a selfish, careless, harsh lover, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t good at it in the moments he got into it. Ultimately it was all still about him, about his pleasure and feelings, but in the moment it was also out of passion. Maybe not passion for his feelings about Lanque, maybe more-so passion for the abhorrent atrocities they were hypothetically committing in his head and, perhaps, in the near future. The kiss lasted a long, heated moment, Jack’s other hand pushing into the back of the troll’s head in greedy desperation. When they pulled apart, Handsome Jack was breathing heavily, a significantly lighter grip on the troll’s jaw, the other hand displaced entirely. It was hard to make himself take his hands off, but if he wasn’t careful the ‘date’ would end before it even started. ❝ Wherever you want. I don’t give a crap at this point-- I just want to kill some people. ❞ Jack voiced after a moment, breathless. He ran his tongue along his bottom lip (whether it was consciously done or not was questionable). 

Bingo. Now she could at least not worry about pulling bullets from her sidss. Or peeling herself from bed in a painful, drunken haze. Everything like that.

“So long as ya respect me as yout Bunker Master enough to let me do what I do. The other player is a cute robot. Night thing another person to be safe- people we both can… Tolerate.” A big ass thing for toleration. Jack and his near nonexistent fuses made him as dangerous as her bigger boomies.

“… So… I guess now we uh. Juet… Fuck off to so other things, I guess??? Also are Saturdays good? Cu if ye I'mma just, ua know, go be with da ladehs.” Her bunnies. She means her bunnies, and an old fashion fuse bomb with a wig and sunglasses.

❝ Saturday’s fine. No promises on the toleration thing. ❞ Okay he was cutting this short, or he was going to go fucking crazy. That was enough negotiating for a lifetime as far as Jack’s concerned. God he hated this even ground shit. So. Freaking. Much. ❝ See ya, kid. Don’t blow yourself up or whatever. ❞ Jack waved behind him as he sauntered off. That was his best attempt at being nice, and by the tone of his voice it sounded like he was starting to get short. Time to go to a bar, drink a ton (despite his mistakes last night), and shoot up the place to forget this all ever happened.

ascii image of gibby falling through the ceiling || accepting

@killerjawline​ offered: ‘i’ll make you something, yeah? your favorite dish, just for you.’

“ you can cook? ” hanging out with one of his hook ups was already unheard of. the fact that he wasn’t even that good makes the fact that lanque even bothered even more questionable. then he had another round, spent the night, and didn’t even bother climbing out the window… what the fuck is wrong with him? was all the valium he popped that effective in making it so he doesn’t care?

surely that was it. it had to be the explanation for the fact that he was seriously considering jack’s obvious invitation to stay throughout the morning. the whirlwind of emotions stirring in his chest only prompts a cocked eyebrow and a tilt of the head, stoic expression never betraying his tired eyes. “ then tell me: what’s my favorite dish? ” he crosses his arms, almost looking annoyed as he quizzes the fallen hero. daring him to get it wrong. there’s only two right answers… and he likes jack enough to give him a chance before agreeing to what lanque is positive he’s implying is supposed to be some kind of date.

❝ Ooh, ouch. Jeez, you really think I’m just some spoiled quadrillionaire, don’t ya? ❞ Jack put his hands over his heart in mock hurt. Truth be told, he was actually a little bit offended, just a little. ❝ Of course I know how to cook, I– ❞ He cut himself short, remembering the ‘father thing’ wasn’t a bit he just handed out to strangers. The last thing he’d want would be his fuck buddy knowing that. Kids were generally a turn off, and he hated people knowing stuff about his non-fabricated personal life. ❝ I’m not just a pretty face, kiddo. I can do basic everyday things for myself. ❞ … Even people he was getting close to. Was he getting close to Lanque? It was hard to tell sometimes. ❝ Uh, I dunno. Blood? Cum? …How am I supposed to know that? ❞ Jack chuckled, turning to look through the fridge. Ever since he got more roommates it seemed food went missing relatively fast. And it wasn’t just any food, it was his food that he bought for himself. Guess someone needed a stern ‘talking to’. The ex-CEO was genuinely surprised that the troll was still hanging around. Come morning one of them was usually gone, whether it be him or Lanque. It was just what you did with flings, right? Only partners hung around the morning after. Or clingy one night stands, which wasn’t super uncommon for him to deal with, but Jack knew Lanque wasn’t like that. ❝ Kinda why I was asking you. We don’t exactly eat meals together. ❞ Regardless of what Lanque wanted, HE wanted some french toast personally. At least he still had eggs, bread, and milk...

lanque didn’t really expect that. he thought there’d be a lot more bitching about shit that would make even less sense to him. a hint that he’d rather they just fall back into their normal routine. but… he actually said sorry. for that much he deserves him sitting back and giving jack his attention. it’s so easy to make people work for him. even when they don’t really need to. it just feels so damn good when he can make people feel like this. annoyed, powerless, focused on his wants rather than their own. he figured jack would be harder to bend in such a way.

“ it’s fine. i’m used to it. ” sort of. it’s just been a while, and he’d like to think that he’s built himself up enough to leave that life behind him. that life filled with snakes that thought it’d be fun to shit talk him just because he didn’t adhere to the life the empress wanted for him. not specifying drives people wild, so lanque chooses to keep it vague.

“ you won’t know for sure unless you ask. ” jack might be ready and willing to at least lay some of it out there, but for lanque it’s gonna take a bit longer. speaking in indirect statements, only being blunt when he has something negative to say. jack isn’t as cruel to his partners as lanque is. he’d rather see them as tools to feed into his needs, because the truth offers too much vulnerability and humiliation.

it seems out of character.

“ ask me out, surprise me, take me on an adventure only you could come up with. the worst that could happen is i’ll say ‘no’ and we’ll keep going like we have been. i might even give you a blowjob to make it up to you. ” a little chortle escapes his lips, leaning into jack’s grasp and turning to face him with a slight smile, “ i figured you were more of a risk-taker, baby. does it really sound that scary? ”

Handsome Jack didn’t really consider himself being manipulated. Sure, he was an overall piece of shit to everyone, but that attitude didn’t generally extend to lovers. Whether or not he was actually getting played was debatable. The vague comment didn’t bother him much; it felt like a poor attempt at guilting, which he wasn’t falling for. He rarely felt bad for people-- lacking general empathy tended to do that to you-- and when he did they had worked for it. He’d never let anyone in that close since his first wife and he wasn’t necessarily considering starting up again now. ❝ What, you think I’m not a risk taker just ‘cause I wanna see if you’re on board? I’ll keep in mind that you don’t like the gentlemen’s approach. ❞ Jack chuckled. He didn’t do ‘traditional dating’; he hadn’t done it since he’d dated Moxxi, considering that his taste in the finer things had changed considerably. It was no longer about roses and fine dining, as much as it was getting up to as much trouble as he (and his partner) possibly could. We’re talking about the whole nine yards here: mass murder, binge-drinking, doing a buttload of drugs, dirty sex, and beyond. The more of his vices it sated the better and he usually ended up spending a ridiculous amount of money in the process (something else he loved so dearly). The thing about that was, though, he was so stinking rich that it was always chump change. Even now it was chump change and he wasn’t even getting his full fifteen figures!  ❝ Here’s the general idea sweetheart, ❞ his arm pulls Lanque close, turning his head to face him. Jack’s eyes are low, gaze moving from the troll’s partially exposed chest, up to hover on his lips before meeting his own gaze.  ❝ I’m thinking we start up there in that high-roller floor, buy our way into the most expensive club we can find, ❞ the CEO’s soft grin widens as he envisions the plan.  ❝ Party like rock stars for a while, indulge ourselves a little in whatever way we see fit... ❞ His free hand settles itself on Lanque’s jaw, tilting the troll’s head slightly. Was he teasing him?  ❝ And then kill all those stupid, smug sons of bitches in there. ❞ Or was it perhaps that he was getting entirely too into it? The harsh edge to his voice, his less tender grip on the troll’s jaw, the wild look in his eyes... It was clear that the thought of this endeavor alone was arousing enough. ❝ We leave a couple of ‘em alive to toy around with... You cut their tongues out with that fancy little knife you gave me... I get to make them beg for their lives... ❞ The thought of someone without a tongue begging to live would be so much funnier if he wasn’t so turned on by the imagined cruelty already.  ❝ You ever heard a man try and beg for his life when he’s got no tongue, baby? ❞ Oh my god, who in their right mind would be attracted to this man?

it did hurt a great deal, the first time lanque bothered to be serious with jack since he offered his seriousness first, and he has the nerve to laugh? does he think his heart is some kind of joke? that bit of vulnerability threw him way off-guard, leaking onto his own feelings. he keeps his annoyed look, waiting for an apology. or at the very least for him to calm down.

how did he let him have the upper hand so easily? it certainly was a sex-exclusive thing for him, but lanque just felt so damn bad for jack. seeing him as lonely, figuring he wanted more company than what he was giving out. “ i only offered because i thought that’s what you wanted. ” with a sigh, he properly starts giving jack the cold shoulder. hands awkwardly to himself and resting on his knees. not even facing him, but not pushing jack’s hand away.

“ and you don’t even know me that well. i’m different, but not so different to miss the value in matesprits… they’re like boyfriends. there for each other emotionally, but also ready to fuck. ” we already basically do that despite the former aspect being one-sided. no, he’s not gonna admit that. that would make him jump out the window immediately. instead, lanque is gonna dig the nail file out of his pocket and start filing his nails.

“ you just looked like i kicked you in the nuts when i gave you such an ambiguous answer. but if you don’t wanna ask me out or learn anything else about me, that’s fine. ” shrugging before being careful not to completely close the door, “ if you wanna ask me out or any questions about me, that’s fine too. ” biting his tongue before pushing lanque’s annoyance and going a bit too far in his jeering. it’s really not rare for anyone to assume that he’s not a romantic, as that is the face he usually tries his best to sell to everyone. gushy, cheesy romantic gestures are just so damn embarrassing.

Oh, he’d really done it now, huh? He’d just assumed Lanque would snuggle up to him in a position like this, but it was obvious he wasn’t going to. Jack had really pissed him off that bad, huh? Most everyone just dealt with his poking and prodding, maybe a little less when it came to his romantic partners. Was he forgetting what it was like to date? All he’d done since he came here was screw people and screw with people. Handsome Jack hummed out a long note in thought, looking upwards towards the ceiling. This was awkward as hell now, but he was gonna try to just ignore that. He wasn’t one for apologizing to people, but it seems as if he’d done some serious damage. ❝ Look, I’m sorry for laughing, Lanque. ❞ His tone wasn’t tense as much as it was quiet and serious. He wasn’t even going to try to make excuses for himself. He knew he was an asshole. ❝ I’d love to take you out on a proper date to anywhere you’d like. But I’d like to make sure you also want that. ❞ Jack’s facing the reality now that his feelings might not a hundred percent be reciprocated; that he might just be something to help Lanque pass time. He doesn’t necessarily feel bad about that, as much as he’s not going to waste his time if Lanque doesn’t want it. He really, really doesn’t like when people waste his time. ❝ I wouldn’t just be doing it for me, you know it takes two to tango. If you’re just being interested for my sake... Don’t even bother. ❞ If Lanque didn’t really want to go on a date... decidedly, he’d be a little hurt, but he’d get over it. He actually didn’t foresee himself getting that mad now that he was in the thick of it. He just hoped this wouldn’t put a strain on their relationship.

Steven watched his body with great wariness. He knewlogically that he shouldn’t have anything to worry about. It took him years tobe able to summon his first shield, and that was only done when he hadn’t beentrying. His powers never worked right when he was over thinking, which this guyseemed to be doing.

His slight fear turned to amusement and almost smugness ashe watched. Crossing his arms, Steven wondered if this was how the Gems used tofeel when he was a lil’ guy, trying his best. All he brought to the table backthen was a cheeseburger backpack and determination. He kinda missed that, butactually being able to control his powers was way better.

“Tsk, tsk…” Steven grinned. “You can’t just—huh?”

Steven knew that look. He wasn’t just concentrating, but gettingangry. Angry… angry was not good. Steven suddenly had flashes through hisvision, bright pink and cracked surfaces. Volleyball cowered behind Pearl, hisimpact of rage shattering the walls of the Reef.

“Hey! Stop! Cut it out! No—“

Steven watched in horror as the shield materialized, therose symbol visible in sparkling pink glory for a split second before rocketingoff. Steven let out a high-pitched scream as he dropped to the floor, coveringhis head with his lanky limbs.

His spiked bubble appeared, the perfect complimentingsurface for maximum shield range. Steven was dangerously close to one of thespikes as he watched his shield bounce against the wall, leaving all too familiarcracks in its wake.

Finally—the shattering sound of glass as the shield wedgedinto the television screen.

“Aw, seriously!?” Steven jumped up, rounding on himself. “Lookwhat you did! This is why I said you have to chill! You can’t get angry!Horrible things happen when you get angry! Horrible…”

Steven trailed off, looking over his own head to a largesplintering crack in the wall. He then looked back down, the stranger’s maskreflecting in the bubble’s surface.

“B-But, it’s okay.” Steven forced himself to breath. “No onegot hurt, and that’s what matters…Hey, if it was me that made you all angry, I’m really sorry…”

he doesn’t really see it when jack doesn’t quite let him get away with it. only some tells that lanque simply doesn’t like, things that he can’t really make a complete connection to. he figured the man was too arrogant, too selfish, too caught up in his own head to really care about him. it’s common for him to pry and meddle, asking ‘what’s the matter’ but it doesn’t take a lot of thought to realize that would be a really stupid question.

not as stupid as the question of how he’s gonna find out about him, but a stupid question nonetheless. humans are really bad at reading obvious signals, huh? he simply gives jack a peck on his miscolored cheek, “ well… trolls have traditional romance too. ” among other types of romances, but it’s best to take the cultural differences one step at a time. “ what do humans usually do when they’re interested in someone? besides fuck their brains out. ”

lanque didn’t really reject him. he meant to imply that he liked being around him too, expecting him to be able to read between the lines. it was meant to be an invitation. sure, it was a shitty not-confession. but he’s heard worse. and he always wants to give people a chance to redeem themselves. it’s true that he didn’t really like to talk about himself all too much outside of his sex life, and even then his kinks are usually kept private.

he pulls the man down to the couch with him, looking almost bored into his eyes confident jack is smart and confident enough to take such an initiative. it’ll kill jack more than him if he doesn’t ask him out at least once, he’s sure of it… no, he’ll get this close to spelling it out for him just in case.

“ unless you guys seriously don’t have dates. ”

“How about 2 metric shit tons? In case ya get bored and have reason to be you.” It was no secret that Handsome Jack was a particularly murderously mad CEO. Usually, you shut them types up by agreeing or exceeding. At least it was a game.

“As for actual play- and soemtimes yes you will have to do your own stuff you always boast that you’re a friggin Hero- I can teach the basics.” As headache and sanity breaking as that might result.