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@kil0k1ll
hello 🖤
starting a new tumblr, will mostly be documenting food control and related stuff and some rants on depression. this is a very personal and potentially triggering blog so please be advised.
not pro 4na at all, I just like to trigger myself into oblivion. will reblog a lot of self-deprecating shit, but I honestly believe that the only way to a happy life is through recovery. stay safe.
have a good day ily
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
abc day 4 x 4/23 🔗
400
in : 550
out : 609
frustrated thinking about how close I was to gw last time but fucked it up
me continuing to google the same four foods because my brain is barely functional
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
abc day 3 x 4/22 🔗
300
in : 500
out : 740
I definitely have an awful habit of eating at night, will try my best to fast at 6 and maybe sleep earlier. Or just walk so I don’t have time to eat.
me continuing to google the same four foods because my brain is barely functional
Thinking about my psychiatrist makes me upset. I’m spending money just for her to talk about OCD symptoms for two entire sessions when I don’t even have OCD. It’s like she just wants to find any excuse to dive into her interests and will forego listening to me and actually trying to figure out the nuances of my situation in favor of trying to pigeonhole me into an OC personality. Conversations with her go something like, “Are you familiar with obsessive thinking and pathological self-soothing behaviors? Hmm, well (talks about it for ten minutes) does that sound like something you have?” “No” “Oh… We’ll do you know about the term ‘catastrophizing’? It’s when (goes on and on and on)”. Like she only asked me about how I was actually doing once the entire 45 mins I was there. I wanted to cry I felt so unheard.
It’s even worse cause I feel I’m on the precipice of another depressive episode and I really needed a proper assessment on whether I was fit to go back to school or not. And I needed advice on how to manage an episode when it inevitably arrives!! I actually told her that I needed an assessment since that’s what the session was SUPPOSED to be for and she said “yeah I think you’ll be ok.” And I asked what to do during a major episode and she legitimately said “well the best thing to do is be prepared :) anticipate” like yeah ok I told you from the very beginning I’ve spent a lot of time trying to develop good coping mechanisms and safety nets do you seriously NOT listen to me. And like, what shitty advice is that what years of medical and on the job training has taught you?? You can’t offer me anything else??? I’m so frustrated I want to take a 5 hour walk and never come back home.
abc day 2 🔗
500
in : 750
out : 2,105
over limit but I! will! do! better!
Losing weight you gained back is so fucking painful
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
day 3 x 4/20 🔗
in: 1,413
out: 2,038
don’t we just love a binge cycle <3 I think that last binge got it out of my system though. Hopefully. I don’t want to jinx it. I just feel so antsy to get to my ugw like I have to be there NOW. Anyways I’m still gonna abc, I’ll just count this as a failed first day and log properly tomorrow.
Thought yall on here may appreciate my new rule for myself
day 2 x 4/19 🔗
in: 1,891
out: 2,225
cw: 114.7
I ate… a lot. But my relatives are gone so I can finally low restrict, maybe try abc again. I’m glad I have access to the gym here because it’s been a blessing. it’s tucked in a quiet little corner and is almost always empty, so it feels like a getaway from life. I don’t know why but I’m slipping into another d3pressive episode and it’s disheartening because I’m supposed to go back to school next term and I was doing so well. I’m scared. I’m frustrated. I feel really empty and lonely and sad and tired.
my rules 🔗
1. eat from 11am-6pm 2. log food before eating 3. dont eat anything you dont know the calories of 4. burn at least 1600 on a low res day, min 2000 on any other day 5. no online shopping until you hit your next gw
6. Don’t pick up your fork until you swallow
7. At least three glasses of water every meal
8. Min 12 seconds chewing every bite
kinda sexy though
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
day 1 x 4/18 🔗
in: 1,086
out: 2,619
ate way too much today and I feel awful :( also b/p’d dinner so I probably had way more
I am in control >:(
