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Fuck all of you. I’ll never trust you again.

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No matter how old I get. No matter what happens. I will never understand people who can say “I love you” one night and the next night can be so fucking cruel to you.

What if I don’t give it enough time, rush things, and ruin everything beyond repair?

But what if I wait too long that you forget about me and fall in love with someone else?

I hate myself. i hate my inability to function like a normal human being. i hate that I can never reign in my emotions. i hate that I am so stupid. i hate that I have no personality. I hate that I can't remember the last time I had a "real" friend. I hate that I'm socially inept. I hate that I don't know how to maintain meaningful connections for a long time. I hate that I can't let people get close to me. I hate that I get upset easily. I hate that I can't get out of bed some days. I hate that I have made no progress after all of these years. I hate that I can't get through the day without breaking down. I hate that I don't know what to do with these feelings. I hate that I can't just be normal. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

I feel like every emotion I feel is on fire. Ever since I was a child. I cannot just be sad, I have to be debilitated. I can't just be angry, I have to scorch the earth. I can’t just have a little anxiety, I have to be unable to leave the house for days. I can’t just love, I have to give my entire being to another person, I have to lay bare my soul, and rip my heart out and hand it to them.

bigandlong

If you see this on your dashboard, reblog this, NO MATTER WHAT and all your dreams and wishes will come true.

jae-felidae

Oh hey! Haven’t seen this in forever! Didn’t reblog it when it came across me before, not gonna skip it this time, I need some good vibes.

tlaragihai

Just for the feeling of “hey, wishing star”

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stuckinapril

are you ever like damn why is literally everyone else scared of openly communicating and being direct and truthful and honest

stuckinapril

i'm kind of bored of subliminal messaging or vaguing or being anything but truthful and blunt and forthright. every miscommunication that has ever befallen me is a result of jumping to conclusions or not giving the benefit of the doubt or just not being open to hearing the other side. i am so bored. i just want communication. i want straightforwardness. i want here is why i'm bothered. here are the facts. here's what i think. now tell me your side. let's talk about this. let's start a dialogue. there's no reason for either of us to be guessing. languages were meticulously crafted over the years for a reason. so let's use them! let's talk! let's communicate!

stuckinapril

btw you can be straightforward AND kind. i'm not sure why people seem to think it's one way or the other. either way a lot of people need to not only internalize this mentality but practice it bc i feel like so many people are willing to BURN BRIDGES ??? rather than just communicate and be honest. and some people don't communicate and end up fostering resentment and bitterness and dislike for the other person that cause them to snap out of nowhere and the other person is like ?? bc guess what. it was NEVER commuicated

“You can’t wait until life isn’t hard before you decide to be happy.”

11.27.2024: When will I learn?

When it ends, the world ends.

5.19.2023: Yesterday we had the going away party for my coworker that I mentioned before. We had it catered and someone brought in a bunch of food and snacks. It was really nice. I was busy with a customer when my manager gave a speech for him and by the time I was finished, everyone was already in line to get their food.

Today is his last day, but I am off. Before I left, I made sure I sent him a really long email thanking him for everything. When I first started this position and came to this office, I was very apprehensive to say the least. I didn’t feel like I “fit” in and that no one respected me as a manager and they definitely did not like me. He was one of the first people who truly made me feel comfortable and always treated me with kindness. He was one of the first people at my job that I’ve ever really opened up to.

I’m really going to miss him. I know that this is such a small thing - people grow, they move on, like is all about change - but I am just not good at goodbyes. I never have been.

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5.10.2023: This morning I almost started crying at work. My job started this new feedback tool where managers could opt in to have a survey sent to their subordinates, managers, and colleagues to receive constructive criticism.

I did receive some suggestions for improvement, which I know are difficulties for me, but I overall received an incredibly overwhelming collection of responses. People praising me for being a kind manager who genuinely cares, who promotes and appreciates everyone’s opinion, makes them feel included, and how much they enjoy working with me. This new position has really been hard on me over the last few months and, after having a rough start to my morning, seeing how much of an impact I am making really had me emotional. Sometimes, we are standing too close that we can’t see our worth. It helps to take a step back to see the greater picture and look at ourselves as others may see us.

5.10.2023: I have a co-worker who always smells so good and I’ve been meaning to ask him what scent he wears since I started here over a year ago, but have never gotten around to it.

He is moving on to a new position so I decided to ask him today. He was so excited to tell me about different scents and which ones he recommends and how he is so happy I am taking interest.

A few hours later, he returns from lunch and hands me a Sephora bag with a brand new bottle of this YSL cologne.

After fighting with him and telling him I couldn’t accept this, he told me he has actually been meaning to get me something to try for a while and he really wants me to have this and accept it as a parting gift from him.

I thanked him profusely and told him how incredibly sweet this was and how much I appreciated it.

You will be happy.

I’m officially broken. Every piece that I thought I had managed to super glue back together.

Kill me. Kill me and live with that memory. Then tell the stars that you won.

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