I was an American Jew in the diaspora that did not want to tie myself to Israel. I was only tangentially aware of it, and in pure young adult fashion, rebelliously annoyed to be reminded of it by the Jews around me. I talked about Israel not at all. If you had asked me, I was opposed to it.
That changed with Operation Cast Lead. I had no idea what it was called at the time. I was checked out completely. I was starting my PhD, and had no idea that there was anything happening in Israel. If it was mentioned, I just kind of glazed over and forgot about it. I was American, what did I care?
But the people around me in academia? They knew. They cared. They saw my posts on Facebook spending time with a cousin who lived there; a trip to Tel Aviv five years ago.
I was asked by other students about Israel, where I stood on it, what I thought. These questions carried an air of accusation that puzzled me. When I said I do not know, and I do not care, the questions became more pointed, more hostile. Was I a Zionist?
What is a Zionist, I asked.
I did not know. I heard the term only in circumstances of it being in the title of Jewish organizations mentioned in temple conversations. I wasn't there for that, though, I wanted a second helping of kugel and the ladies gossiping at the post-services buffet were in the way.
My ignorance and nearly complete disinterest in Israel did not matter. I was tied to Israel whether I liked it or not. My dark eyes, tan skin, long dark curly hair, Mediterranean features, my Jewish husband who wore a kippah to fancy occasions... inquiring minds needed to know, was a good Jew or a bad Jew?
It was a game, and I did not know the rules. Tails they win, heads I lose. I quickly learned that unless I verbally prostrated myself and proclaimed the most violent of antisemitic terrorists had a point, I had to answer for Israel. Even if I did that, I would still have to answer for Israel.
Israel did not make me a Zionist. My Judaism did not make me a Zionist. Antizionists, who have always been antisemitic, always been hostile, made me a Zionist. Because I was not allowed to be anything but that, not if I wanted to have any respect for myself.
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