KidSafe by COLAGE

Hello! We are so glad that you found COLAGE’s Youth Action Board tumblr project called the Kidsafe Blog.

The Kidsafe blog was created by the COLAGE Youth Action board soon after it was established in 2012. The goal of the Kidsafe blog was to create a safe space for youth in LGBTQIA+ families to share their story and ask questions of one another. Being a youth centered project, we, the youth members of the YAB, have called the shots and lead every idea and aspect of this project.

Reflecting six years later on the wonderful stories and connections created from this blog, we have decided to adapt with the times and archive this account. As of March 2019, the Kidsafe blog will now take the form of an Instagram page, @colagenational, and continue the mission of this original blog but in a new format.

The move from Tumblr to Instagram was a difficult decision and one that we did not make lightly. At this time, we feel that moving the blog to Instagram will help reach more people and continue to make an impact on families across the world who want to read the stories of youth in LGBTQ+ families. Now, the YAB will venture into the world of Instagram and continue writing and publishing stories for everyone to view and learn from. We will continue to accept messages for support and questions from our community members and allies.

We will also keep this blog up and available for anyone to find and so anyone can review our previous six year’s worth of stories from our wonderful array of writers and change makers. We owe so much to the writers who made this blog possible and we could not thank them and our followers enough. Thank you all for making this blog possible for the last six years!

Please join us for this new adventure on Instagram by following us @COLAGENational

Hi to everyone,

Thank you for creating this website. My son is eight years old. I am his mother, currently coming out as transmasculine. I have been looking for support for him. He is a little young to use this website, but I am so glad to know you are all out there, caring for each other. Good for you! 

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Photo by Perry Grone

Hi. I’m very new to this, my dad sent me the link from a colleague of his who works with the people here. I was born in 2002, with a mother and father. When I was about two years old, my parents split because my mom figured out that my dad was gay. I think it was very hard on both of them, and even today they still silently struggle with some parts of what happened. 

My dad moved to New York City after the divorce, and my mom and I stayed here in upstate New York. He found a steady job and after a while started to come up and visit me every other weekend. My mom met a really nice guy who had two older daughters, and to this day they are still married. When I was about 6, my dad introduced me to his new partner, who was male. I was pretty young, so I don’t really remember what I thought. I think I just considered them as friends. 

Flashforward to now: I live with my mom and stepdad who I call dad (because I’ve been with him since I was about three), and my dad and his now-husband moved here to upstate New York to be closer to me. I think the move was a very big factor in our relationship. I’ve never really been teased about my dad’s being gay, in fact, some people think it’s cool. I don’t tend to go blabbing it out but I think that it is a very big part of who I am, and most people that know me know that my dad is gay. It still is a little awkward walking into open houses with 4 people, or even so many people coming to my games. But this is my family and I want them there. So if that means four people going into a little classroom to talk to my teacher then so be it haha. 

I can see that my stepdad (dad’s partner) makes my dad very happy and that my dad makes him happy too. At first, I wasn’t a big fan because I was so used to it being just me and my dad, but now I couldn’t imagine my life without my stepdad in it. Sometimes it’s hard to have three dad’s, two of which you call dad but only when you’re with them, and one of them whom you just call by their first name. But as long as I knew that they were okay with it, I was okay with it too. We went to family counseling for a while, and I think that helped with a lot of things. Counseling is nothing to be ashamed of.

Photo by Carolyn V

 Hello, my name is Julia, I have two moms and I have been a cologer since I was in pre-school around 4 years old (best decision my parents have ever made). I have learned from a young age about the LGBTTQQIAAP community and have been in contact with many children and family’s like mine. But like everything every family and person is uniquely different and my struggle through the years has been related to being the only donor donor child in my family and that I know of. My two moms decided when having my sister they were going to use my one mom’s eggs and have a sperm donor and for me they would use my other mom’s eggs and a sperm donor as well, but after years of trying, unfortunately, both of my moms eggs were not fertile enough to carry me so they went with a donor donor baby and well here I am. Not until recently did I find that having two moms who I’m not genetically or biologically related to became important. I began questioning different attributes I have, “why do I have long hair” “why do I have freckles and so on”. In my town, I have been able to recently discover that everybody looks like someone in their family whether it is their mother or father. There is a “connection”. As I have been going to colage I realized that many people know who their donor was and/or where (medically) they come from… I feel left out. My moms tell me all the time that it doesn’t matter, they love no matter what, but I don’t think they get knowing what makes me me is a huge deal for me and the “average” person can go home and find out. My mom and my sister are so much alike and when going through old pictures of both of them they will reminisce and as a bystander, I see that they are identical in personality and looks. For my other mom and myself, although my mom isn’t related to anybody, she still is very much a part of the family. Sometimes I feel like I’m on the outside looking in on my family but still included in the family holiday cards. 

A note to anybody else who feel’s like they are missing out on something. I get that feeling of longing for something, but I am using what sets me apart from everybody and educating people about it. Although I don’t like being kept in the dark, I know that one day I can try to find out more about my genetic parents and what they are like and if I have any other blood siblings etc. This may not serve as a permanent distraction but I know that when the time comes there may be something I can do. 

I decided to come here and talk about this because it is a big issue many have to face to find their true identity. For right now, being 13, I have a need for closure and a way to truly see who I am. So for all the COLAGErs out there who feel the way I do, just know there are other people out there that feel the same as you. 

with much love,

Q: A couple Of months ago I was scrolling through the Family photos and I found some inappropriate photos of my dad and another man and I thought to myself “what???” I was keeping those thoughts to my self and then one day I was eating lunch with my mom and just had to tell her. She explained to me what happened and I didn’t burst out crying or anything but inside I was dying. Me and my mom have occasional talks and I learn more as time goes on. Currently, I don’t know what to do I’m going to be going to therapy and joining a facebook group. Is there anyone in the same situation I could possibly talk to?

A: Thank you for reaching out and sharing this difficult experience. Please know that you are not alone. I hope connecting to our COLAGE community will help you feel more supported while you process this. It's also great that you are going to therapy! I'd encourage you to definitely open up with your therapist about all of your feelings. If it feels embarrassing or really difficult to express all of your emotions face to face with your therapist it may be helpful to get a journal to write out feelings that feel to difficult to say out loud. Journaling is also a great way to express feelings to your father without having to actually speak to him. It may even be helpful to write a Dear Dad letter, in order to get all of the feelings out and process where they are. Many people in our community do this in their personal journal or share their letters publically on this awesome blog: http://www.therainbowletters.com/. It may be helpful to write different versions of the letter as more emotions arise. Have you seen “To All the Boys I've Ever Loved?” The main character did a great job of utilizing this technique to process her emotions and the movie is just really cute.

As far as viewing the inappropriate photos, your therapist will be the best person to talk to about that and support your next steps in healing. Overall I'm sending hugs to you and all of our young COLAGErs out there right now going through difficult family coming out processes. Its tough navigating family stuff. 

If you want to (virtually) meet more people with LGBTQIA+ families please join our Facebook group and answer all of the mandatory questions: https://www.facebook.com/groups/COLAGEFamily

Don’t forget, you’re not alone and our difference is our strength.

Take care,

Hi! My name is Laura, and I have two moms myself. A lot of times, people have questions about my family. All that we really do is answer truthfully if we are comfortable. For example, a lot of my peers ask me where my dad is. I just tell them that my moms are married and they had me. Sometimes, if I’m not comfortable about answering a question, I tell them just that, that I’m not comfortable. You should never feel pressured to give someone an answer. If you are comfortable with answering their questions, be honest, tell them how it is. If they are good people, they will be understanding and accepting. They may also feel educated, understanding your certain situation and want to learn more. Most people that I and my parents talk to are just genuinely curious about how I was born and it’s good to educate them. I would much rather have people ask questions than make assumptions about me and my family. Thank you for your question!

PHi there, I'm sorry you're feeling uncomfortable coming out. The biggest factor is how you think it will affect your relationship with your mom; What will her biggest concerns be? How can you come out in a non-threatening manner? Try to reassure her that who you are hasn't changed, being open and honest is the best policy. Try and anticipate her concerns so you can acknowledge them, and remember, just as you had to take time to figure out who you were, she will take time to adjust and accept. Many people instinctively defend themselves or are harsh when coming out for fear of being hurt, but the last thing your mom wants is to hurt you. Come out in a way that is safe for both of you, good luck!

- Piper

She/Them

This is a great question and I hope I can help shed some light for you. Sorry your son is going through a tough time! I am unfortunately not a pre-teen (32 with a 9-month-old son of my own) but my parent transitioned from male to female about nine years ago and I hope I can help. 

I would say, first of all, clarify with your son that he actually wants to refer to his parent as "dad". I know the transition took place very early on in his life but if he is saying he's not "real" then that might be a very enlightening conversation. As long as the transitioned parent is willing to hear potential other names, there are a variety out there that might make your son more comfortable and feel more seen in the transition. My situation was a little different since my father (transitioned from male to female) came out when I was 23 so I had been calling her dad for my entire childhood. It would be VERY weird for me to call her my mom and many other children of trans parents have expressed similar feelings.

As far as feeling angry and alone, I can definitely relate. It took me many years to talk to even find someone else in my position. It's difficult to navigate the complex emotions, especially if you are in support of transgender individuals and trans rights but you're having mixed emotions about your personal family experience. I've always found that it scares me to talk about it in public for fear of being labeled "transphobic" or "anti-trans". You're definitely doing the right thing trying to find him support! A therapist would be great, but also making sure he feels seen in the family dynamic is so important. Allowing him to feel frustrated, making sure he has space to express any feelings will (hopefully) bring him closer. Also, I'm no psychologist but child development at 12 is a breeding ground for frustration and this is an easy aspect of his life to hone in on since it is so different. Allowing a certain amount of anger and frustration to just be a normal part of his development might be healing for you.

All this to say, my best advice would be to make sure he knows he's allowed to not be 100% okay with the scenario. His feelings are valid and should be voiced and processed with people he trusts. Everyone has weirdness in their family and it is always isolating to not feel able to talk about it, and adolescence is a time when everyone wishes they were "normal" (like that actually exists!). Since the people of trans parents (or PTP) community is still relatively small, it might be difficult to find someone he can closely relate to so his main source of "normalcy" is going to come from you and your partner. Hopefully, he will find healing in allowing his feelings to be spoken and accepted and you can all move forward together!

This past pride month, I've been feeling forever grateful for the city I live in. My girlfriend and I wore matching rainbow bow ties to school, and my family and I hung a huge flag from our window and watched the parade. Through the veil of rainbow, however, I'm ultra-aware of just how inclusive NYC is, and how others face injustices I haven't experienced because of my community. I have supportive peers, a school with a GSA and many openly LGBTQ+ students, in those ways I am naive to the experiences of others.

  People who are close to me who live out of the city have made homophobic comments without realizing it. They have asked the age-old question "Are your parents going to make you gay because they're gay?" and many more. It pains me to think that people have to deal with that on a regular basis. Even in NYC, years ago queer people could not express themselves freely. Throughout this month, my moms have pointed out to me the differences regarding queer pride, for example, the sheer number of businesses with gay flags hung in their windows, and they reminded me that even a decade ago those flags would be much more sparse. My donor father gave me a book of articles he wrote for Gay City Weekly Magazine from 2004 until 2015. It brought to light just how strange the notion of having a baby as a gay couple was in NYC then, and still is in so, so many places. Through COLAGE I've gained a sense of what others go through, and still learn by hearing my family's stories. I want to educate others who aren't as exposed so that they don't spread negativity to their community or create false assumptions that are hurtful or untrue. Pride month is a month to celebrate us and our families, but also to teach, learn, listen and empathize.

Piper She/Them YAB Member 

Hello, my name is Laura. I am thirteen years old and I have two moms. It’s pretty cool having two moms. They are amazing, and I wouldn’t wish to have anyone else as my parent. The only thing is that I sometimes feel a struggle being in this wonderful community from the confusion and taunting of my peers. Although it only happens occasionally, some of the responses I get when I tell people that I have two moms can really hurt. The responses range from ecstatic, to disgusted, to confused, to nothing at all. People ask me, “Which one is your stepmom?” or, “Did your dad pass away?” These questions are okay, but they can still hurt me. Another response I get is people telling me how sorry they are that I’m stuck with two moms and that I don’t have a dad. These are also the least of my worries. The comments that really hurt me, though, are the ones said without thought.

Last year, when I was in sixth grade, I received one of the worst comments I have ever heard. He told me that he would kill himself if he had two moms, that it was the worst thing in the world. Hearing that having two moms is weird and horrible really destroyed me. I knew it wasn’t true. My moms are funny and smart and help me through the toughest of times. I don’t know what I would do without them.

Dear COLAGErs,

The Rainbow Letters started as a way to hear the stories of people like us who have lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and/or queer (LGBTQ) parents through the art of letter writing. We partnered with COLAGE in 2014 and have since collected more than 70 letters telling the stories of those of us who don't belong to "traditional" families.

Now we are inviting all people to tell their LGBTQ family stories: children, kids, parents, siblings, and friends.

As political and social injustices become increasingly toxic, it is essential that we come together as a community and share our experiences. We hope to inspire new narratives around family, for both ourselves and questioning LGBTQ youth. Our mission is to generate empathy, equality, and paint a picture of a new and varied “normal” when it comes to family.

What does “family” mean to you? Join us in The Rainbow Letters movement by reading, writing and sharing letters to explore this question. Together we can all help the world grow a bigger, warmer heart.

With Love,

Great question and thank you for reaching out to COLAGE through our Kidsafe blog! We would like to invite you to our COLAGE 101 this coming Tuesday, March 6th at 3pm PST/6 pm EST. We will answer your question about how to join COLAGE communities on our webinar and will have a time at the end for questions. You can register for the webinar here: http://bit.ly/2Fj56Ef. I hope we are able to answer all of your questions and provide you support. Everyone is welcome to register so invite your sibling(s), parent(s), or friend(s).

Hope to see you there!

The COLAGE Team******UPDATE****** If you missed the webinar but would still like to watch it, you can do so here:

COLAGE has single-handedly shaped my life. It set the trajectory for my life’s path. I owe it to COLAGE for politicizing me and pushing me to be more socially and politically conscious.

So, imagine this: You are a kid with (a) queer parent(s), and throughout your whole childhood, you are growing up in a conservative area of the country. The time period is between 2007 and 2011. (So keep in mind there were only two states out of all 50 that had legalized gay marriage at this point—this was before the mainstream LGBTQ movement came into full force.) No one knows about your parent(s). And even though you are not ready to tell anyone in your school or any of your friends about your family situation out of fear of being bullied, you actually feel obligated to tell your friends before they come over to your house so they won’t be surprised or uncomfortable. So they can have this piece of information and then decide if they actually want to spend time with you outside of school.

Then imagine going to the beautiful Provincetown, Cape Cod during Family Week where around every corner you see gay and lesbian couples holding hands, jubilant kids running around, laughing, and playing, drag queens parading the streets in flashy attire. And on top of that, you get to be part of this inclusive and magical community where every. single. person. in the room also has (a) queer parent(s). What a radical change from your life at school.

COLAGE and Family Week was my safe haven. I no longer had to be silent, censored, and forced into telling anyone anything. I could speak freely about my family—my whole other life at home. The staff members at the time also stressed that none of us queerspawn kids had to come out about our family to our friends until we were ready. This teaching felt like my agency was given back to me.

A place where I felt loved, safe, and included, was the best place for me to first learn about social justice, widespread oppression, and activism. Because I believe that’s what is at the core of thoughtful community organizing—valuing every person’s humanity no matter who they are. What a better place to learn about these revolutionary ideas than in a place where I felt like for once, my entire humanity—my entire life was loved and valued? Discussing racism, classism, transphobia, and ableism started happening when I was a youth in COLAGE. Not to the point where it shook my world but to the point where it crept into my mind, slowly but surely, preparing me for a radical shift in my life and politics.

When I was a youth, I always dreamt of being on staff but never thought that time would actually come. But guess what? It did! And it is amazing. Being an adult COLAGEr and especially being on Staff is a great feeling. I love that I can give back to the community that gave me so much, and continues to provide me with support. I love that everyone in our Staff community truly wants to make the world a more just and equitable place. I love that still the point of connection for all of us is that we share the identity of being queerspawn. But most of all, I love that being an adult COLAGEr and being on Staff is a safe place where I am continuously learning and growing and a place where I am still completely loved and valued.

Photo by Robert Katzki on Unsplash

Most of my friends know me to travel to Pennsylvania for almost every holiday, where my family lives. Many people travel to parts of their families who live in different states during the holidays- it’s a “normal” thing. But when they realize that my sister and I live apart- she lives in PA, and I NYC, and that she lives with not my non-existent dad, but my other mom- I’m often met with confusion and sometimes frustration as I explain my family to them.

My 15-year-old sister and I have two moms. We were both born using the same anonymous sperm donor and the same mom carried both of us. But this does not create a hierarchy between our two moms. Growing up, I often was asked this classic question that many COLAGErs hear: “but who is your real mom?” They’re both my real moms, and my love for them is overflowing and equal.

When I was in fifth grade, our moms told us that they were splitting up. We didn’t understand why but soon learned that one of them (the one who gave birth to us) wanted to date men. She never “came out” as straight, or tried to label her sexuality. I am grateful for this because a big part of my growing up in the only LGBTQ+ family in small-town Pennsylvania was trying to escape labels from my peers as “the girl with two moms.” While having a unique family is not a put-down, I frequently faced torments for where I came from. And although people are often confused by this “backward” situation, I’ve learned not to care or label it as such.

Flash forward five years: my mom is moving in with her boyfriend in New York City, where I had always dreamt of living. Moving there meant I could immerse myself in a theatrical world capital and an environment where I hoped to find more open-minded classmates. But my sister wanted to stay with our other mom in PA, and so we split, vowing to stay close.

I’m now a high school senior, and sad that I could not have had my sister glued to my side for the past 3 years of experiences. When I first moved we fought a lot so I feel that my moving helped make us closer. The challenges of moving have also taught me to take pride in my unique backstory and how it’s helped me grow. Since moving, I have accepted that being a kind person is the most important thing to me vs the labels people have put upon me. Although it can be frustrating to feel like I need to explain aspects of my family when questioned, I have become comfortable with it and learned to shake off the confused expressions. Whether others understand or not, I feel like I’ve won, because it no longer matters to me whether they do. (Side note: COLAGErs, please don’t feel that you EVER have to explain yourself or your family, especially if you feel uncomfortable. You are SO valid and wonderful whether a certain audience understands or not.) Although my COLAGEr experience has inspired much of my character, I am not only “the girl with two moms.”

As I celebrate both Christmas and Hanukkah this month, I reflect on my last December at home before leaving for college. I could not be more grateful for where my family and I have ended up: my sister and I are closer than ever, my moms are now friends after a rough split, and I have learned to accept my family without defining it as better or worse for being different. I have no idea what the new year holds, but I rest confidently in the lessons I’ve learned from being a COLAGEr. As time marches forward, I become more and more inspired by my COLAGE family, and ready to become the best person I can be. Happy New Year!

Hello there! I’m new, but I’ve been exposed to COLAGE for a long time. I have two mothers and a stepmother, as well as my donor father and his husband that I am so grateful to know. That’s a long story, and one I get asked about constantly, but the way my moms got in touch with other LGBTQ+ parents was through COLAGE! Even in it’s earliest stages, 13 years ago when I was being conceived my parents were able to get in touch with others like them and talk about their worries, how cool! Growing up with lesbian parents, I have had my fair share of anxious questions, snide remarks, and teasing, but growing up in one of the most diverse, accepting places in the world I’ve never had too much trouble with it. One of the biggest things I have come to accept and respect as a queerspawn is that everyone is entitled to their opinion, and everyone’s opinion from how they were brought up. It matters how they express their opinion that counts, being rude to others is never okay, politely asking a clarifying question, now that’s better. I certainly don’t know everything, and growing up in a household where the only male is more than just my cat seems perplexing to me. I’m so excited to see how I can evolve and learn from others’ experiences, hopefully, someone can learn from mine!