By the time any of you are reading this, I'll already be driving around Vegas. Just a quick preface, no, this is not what you think, so please calm down. I have no intents of doing that. I am just… driving. So if you're worried or concerned about me, you can contact me, but I can't promise you I'll get to your messages right away.
Six-Fifty-Nine PM. That was your final moment on this planet. The moment when everything I knew about my future had finally shattered under stress, the moment that… my life would change forever. That was the time I had arrived at the hospice building, running out of breath to desperately find your room, after speeding through Vegas streets (with no license, just a permit) to get there on time.
I got there just in time enough to see Edgar and Jackie leaving, with their faces stained red, holding back their tears. They didn't even acknowledge my arrival. At that moment, I knew it was about to happen. And just as I entered the doorway, Rhea told me.
6:59pm. Pacific Standard Time.
Something in me broke as I heard the words… and I found myself against the wall, sliding down, listening to the wailing of everyone else in the room… And despite being with you for the past 11 years, I couldn't have felt like more of an outsider. I sat on the floor, trying to figure out what I could do, what felt right at that moment… of course, nothing did. I was silent to myself for a while as I tried to get any semblance of thought together. After finally dulling the pain enough, I called my mom, and told her.
I don't remember much of the conversation past that, outside of my mom saying that she was 'so sorry', and honestly, I don't know if I want to remember it… My brain doesn't remember it as very comforting.
I remember Momma Delmi telling me to come and say my goodbyes to you, and I refused to do so.
"--I don't want to. If I do, I'll never get to say hello again…"
More people arrived, mostly from work. And that's when I knew I needed to make myself scarce. I silently left the room -- the last time I'd ever see your body in this mortal existence. Rhea and Diana hugged me, tried to make sure I was okay, but it felt hollow. I don't even remember reciprocating the gesture, just my body moving on its own.
As I returned to the empty, silence halls of the building, I walked with dragged feet, unable to pick myself up as I walked past the receptionist and out of the door into the cold air of Vegas Winter. I went back to your car and sat in it, putting the key into the ignition, but not turning it over. I pulled out my phone, opening it up, and I tried to go to whatever contact I could in the immediate area that I had that could be with me right then and there. I called the first person I could think of but no dice.. after texting them, I called the only other person I had… ironically, I was with her before I had raced to see you… talking to her about how things were… and how they should've been. Being a realist about the entire thing, I distinctly remember telling her that I could very well be the owner of your car in that conversation.
Apparently, said friend was told to stay with me because they didn't want me to be alone. So I went and picked them up. Driving numbly, just listening to Catherine's OST of Also Sprach Brooks. When I finally arrived, she got in, and we just sat in a silence for a bit. She knew she couldn't say anything to make it better. But what she didn't know that just by being there, it meant everything to me.
The only thing I could think to do at that point was drive. Just drive and drive, and drive and drive… just… whatever I could do to keep my mind off of it. Ultimately, I ended up coming with a plan to drive around Vegas to wherever listening to Paramore. She agreed, and didn't question it.
I remember stating this somewhere… that I wanted to just… drive around Vegas… listening to Paramore with you one day. And I'm just heartbroken that I never got to do it. And so for 6 hours, we drove around. Wherever my hands decided to go, we drove. Listening to Paramore.. I sang some of the songs. My Heart. Franklin. Last Hope. 26. Miracle. Those are just the ones that come to mind off the top of my head. Very few words were exchanged… she just let me do what I liked, as she held on to the Kirby she gave me for Christmas, that I left with you, that I took back.
About 2 hours passed, and I finally gathered myself up enough to tell our roleplay friends from 2012. None of them could say anything… And I don't really blame them. Outside of about 4 other people, I didn't tell anyone else that night.
Around 2am, I finally got her back home, because she still had work in the morning. Rhea had texted me to make sure I was okay, since she didn't realize that I left for work related reasons. We ended up getting through the entirety of Paramore's albums barring 6 songs by the time I dropped her off at home, and went back to the house.
Everything was quiet, minus the stirring from Rhea and Diana, as I went into your room and sat down on the bed, and everything finally hit me…
I don't remember anything past that for that night. I remember not sleeping, and I didn't go to the work the next morning due to the circumstances. At this point, I didn't want to do anything. I just… was tired. Exhausted. Fatigued. The next morning, I called out.
I was… tasked with telling your friends the news if it ever came to that. I kept my promise, no matter how much I hated dealing with them and how they acted about it, my promises to you run deeper than my blood.
… All I remember after that is anger. Anger at what happened, anger at your friends for their spite despite the situation… anger at being told how to feel… anger at being told what to do. Every time I tried to find any comfort or vulnerability, I was quickly confronted, reprimanded about my feelings and told that I shouldn't feel that, or someone else's feelings were more important. Anger is what I was allowed to feel. Bitterness. Resentment. Spite. It's all I felt from everything that happened, that was happening.
It simply wasn't fair that everyone got to do what they wanted in terms of their feelings, and yet I was the one being told how I should feel. Everything I did, I was told I was wrong, and eventually, I just… shut down. I isolated. I went to work, I came home, I went to your room and I repeated this. I didn't want to interact with anyone anymore outside of what was 100% necessary.
At some point after that, I went to see Stephanie and we sat and spoke for a while… how she could see it when we came to her daughter's party in October 2024. But I haven't said anything since to them.
I always told you this, but I was always fearful of coming to Vegas because if something ever happened and we weren't together for whatever reason, I always felt that I would be an outsider to your family. To me, it always felt estranged… like there was basically only one thing that ever kept them amicible. It was you. And maybe that sounds a little fucked up to say, but it's how it's felt since you left. And it was always one of my biggest fears.
Autophobia. It's a fear I've had since I was a teenager, to be left utterly alone and without anyone else. And somehow, I went right into this situation, hoping for the best and got the worst outcome. But because of that… because of everything that's transpired, I spent a great deal of 2025 angry. Angry at this. Angry at work. Angry at life. Angry at family, both yours and mine. Angry at how I was treated. I was left with absolutely nothing, and it felt like no one even cared around me what that felt like for me.
I watch everyone around move with their futures with you in their hearts, and yet, I stand still holding on to the memories we made together and the stardust fading of our future. Something that I no longer have because you're not here.
So many things that just… felt wrong that happened to me. Things I know that would not have happened if this situation was reversed.
I did finally let people know of your passing the next day, as everyone deserved to know why I left suddenly and what had happened. I got yelled at for that, too, despite it being your wish.
I took it. I took it in your stead, because I only ever wanted to make you happy. Despite everything that happened, I did what you asked me to. But I isolated from everyone in the process.
The day after that, I went to work to make sure that my team knew I was okay, and got their condolences. Felt like that was the only bit of physical support I had.
After a few weeks, I posted on your tumblr of your passing to let them know.
The longer it went, the more bitter I got. Event after event… Not being able to go to your wake, having to buy your car, having to move out… the more things happened, the more bitter I got. But I took it. After a while, I just… didn't say anything.
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