Dawning Dusk

It hasn’t been long that I have started praying and fasting. Something that I started along with it is that, I try have an insight on why we are asked to do anything.

Allah is not wasteful, He will make sure there are multiple use to even the simplest of deed.. I’m sure, there is no way I can grasp the reasons behind, but I can always have my own from the pile of thousands of reasons. And, He associated reward to all good habits.

So, here’s the thing.. You see Allah blessed us with this Day of Arafat, when He’ll forgive the past and future years’ sins. This got me thinking… How Graceful Allah is… Imagine, we are making mistakes, sinning, every moment or two daily. Something, we might not even be conscious of.. or maybe we don’t take it seriously or like, we just are not sensitive to the seriousness that it has on our soul and deen… Thousands and billions of reasons, why we can very easily unsee the sins we commit…

I was losing my grip on my faith in Allah. My entire existence was crushing in me and I just wanted to turn to dust. It’s too difficult to exist when you could actually count every time you inhale life and it’s stabbing the heart..

I remember going to the Coptic church every week, maybe multiple times a week… I remember attending Sunday schools and never imagined it could be such a warm experience. Kids actually loved coming to the church, the parents were so actively involved and obviously we had really good home cooked free food every Sunday night. I remember the church being a second home for the community to come together like extented family. The laughters, the chaos it all reminded me of my big family back in Dhaka. And despite being a Muslim, they always welcomed me as their own! I remember visiting them over Thanksgiving (I went to what, five different homes that day?) and Christmas. Obviously the Coptic Christians have their Christmas on 7 th January and not December. But we still celebrated on 25th as they fasted till their Christmas..

I never knew Christianity was so diverse! I used to go around in the different kinds of Orthodox churches and everyone had their own elements and way of doing things. I loved it so much that I even tagged along with a friend from class to attend the Mormon church by the school. And despite their differences, all churches had one thing in common- they were all very inviting.

It was definitely the most amazing learning experience. It reminded me, how religion needs love and sympathy and warmth, at the very basic- acceptance, to draw people to want to learn it. If anything, this very experience taught me how I should perceive my religion. It was basically this experience which connected me with Islam, with all my heart and soul.

I was never being judged for being a muslim, that too in America. I was in fact, always always welcomed with a lot of love, which made me regular at the churches. I love and cherish how I became a part of a community that I had very little to do with and mostly I miss the Coptic church. That’s probably the only thing I miss about Dallas.

I was accepted like a family in a community I did not belong..

And now when I see how horrifying things are back at home, in Egypt for the families and friends of the people I met in the church. It frightens me, it boils my mind and breaks my heart.. that they are having to bleed and fight for acceptance in their own land, their home.

3:30 A.M.

Our doorbell woke us all from our deepest dreams by the call of its emergency. My mother rushed to answer the door only to find panicked stricken neighbours. Their three months old has fallen too sick without a warning.

It’s been difficult on the first time parents to figure out how to parent. They have had their fair share of cluelessness and now were on the verge of losing their sanity as the baby’s health deteriorated with no help but the people next door. Since we moved in, two and a half years back, we have been no less than a family. We would spend our mornings and afternoons going back and forth, sharing our teas to stories to our daily life as it grew. From prayers to when our duas got answered and she finally got pregnant to bringing the baby home, we have been through the journey of welcoming the baby, especially. And there was no reason for me not to go over and lend a hand at the hospital today morning.

As I am off to bed and my mind goes back to the day, I have some things I’d like myself to remember.

It is important to be fluent with the language of parenthood, to grow an attachment, be instinctive towards the child. It is crucial to operate tirelessly and smartly. Especially for a mother. She is the person the child would seek for comfort, sense of security and heal in her hug. It’s important for mothers to always at all times to pray for that strength in their hearts, to pray that no matter what test may come, it needs to be dealt with love- the kind of love which builds not breaks, which strengthens not shatters.

It is not unknown to the world, the importance of a mother. But today, I’ve had first hand experience on her role as the counterpart to the father. She is also the only person, the father would depend on when he goes out to work everyday, earn for his family and come back home to reap the happiness he hopes for.

Father.

This person goes out every morning, with a heavy heart, knowing when he’ll come back home his child is going to be a day older. He misses out on the precious instances when the baby will do something incredibly heart melting, only to hear stories and imagine what it would have felt like to be there in those moments. He works selflessly to spend on his family, to share what is entirely his with the people he loves. He is the security for the family’s future, the ease to their existence. He takes the first hit at calamity with a smile on his face, he does so with no expectations and that’s the fatherly selflessness.

And I guess, what I’m trying to get at is that, I feel this is why Islam always emphasized on looking for the parent of the offspring(s) when we are on a lookout for a spouse.

Mother is the essence of a child’s upbringing.

She installs how the child would soak in the world, her Deen becomes the dunya of the child. And it is important for her to be the person who can glue the blocks as the family grows older. If a woman fails at motherhood, there is a good chance, she’ll let down the father too. And for a man, the would be the biggest failure.

A woman was created for many roles, roles which would fill in the void of the absence of their other half. Allah highlights the importance of a good mother when in consideration of a wife. It is important for a wife to know how to mother a child, as one role without the other would leave the family incomplete.

Losing you is my greatest fear. May Allah never punish me by taking you away from me.

I seek His forgiveness for the sins I inflicted on myself and on you.

May Allah make you my heaven on this dunya, my reward in our Jannah.

Blessings and salutations upon our Nabi (SAW) Peace and mercy upon his Ummah, his nation, his families, his companions.

Subhan Allahi wa bi hamdihi Subhan Allahi wa bi hamdihi Subhan Allahi wa bi hamdihi

Blessings and salutations upon Nabi (SAW) Peace and mercy upon his Ummah, his nation, his families, his companions.

Subhan Allah AlHamdulillah Allahu Akbar

Allahumma ameen.

To married me.

I don’t know how you’ll be feeling at this very moment when you read this letter and you are very forgetful of emotions, I’m pretty sure you won’t remember what you were even thinking while you wrote this.

But everyone has plans for the future. Yours, has always been to grow a family. To be married, have kids, loving in-laws and to simply be in love with your new family. I’m sure you won’t forget your childhood fantasies at least.

So let me remind you, how you fantasized your marriage to be like. I don’t yet know, if I’d be even married but if there is a “you” in the future, then these are some of the things I need you to rethink and maybe do.

* Fyi, right now… I’m waiting for tahajjud. *

This would probably be my first tahajjud after MONTHS….. I lost touch with salat for a while, but getting back on the right path. It’s slow and hollow. But there are moments of bliss, tears and gratitude towards Allah… Ramadan is in a two to three months and I really need to exercise sincerity and concentration in my salat again, like I used to when I started. I can feel I’m getting there. I just hope, I can hold onto the rope as tight as possible. It fears me to not pray, I cannot anymore…

So here it goes. Today, I was on instagtam when I saw a pregnant lady doing her Omrah with her husband! Yup, you know where this is headed!!! It has to be my new forever dream!!!! Well, basically it started off with just doing my Hajj with the love of my life, my hubbybaby. As fantasies grew fonder, I was like, why not just fly for Hajj/Omrah instantly after marriage… Oh, I wish we could even get married there! But today, this dream has reached a whole new level! I found my Pregnancy Goal 101- doing omrah while I am expecting. It would be wonderful to even have the baby on the holiest land. Just imagine what a blessing that would be.

In shaa Allah.

“If I’m making a dua, then it is only because Allah wants me to ask for it, so that He could grant me the blessing…”

So here is a dua for you.

May Allah, make my marriage an epitome of that the Nabi (SAW) shared with his wives. May Allah, bless me to be the coolness of the eyes for my husband, my in-laws and our offsprings. May Allah grant my husband, our families and me the highest level of Jannah due to the success of keeping our marriage according to the Deen of Prophet Mohammed (SAW) and may our Rabb grant us righteousness, love and straight path which He ordained us to follow. May Allah keep us protected and blessed. May Allah always hold us closest to Him, in this dunya and the next. May Allah pour in immense love, compassion, mercy and respect for my husband in my heart. May Allah grant us love that was shared between Nabi (SAW) and Khadija (ra). Ya Allah, grant me the capability to be a righteous wife, to be the coolness of my husband’s eyes, to be there for him in every aspect, to be dutiful to his needs… Allah, never let me fail in his eyes, never let me fail in Your eyes. Allah, keep my husband content with me till the end of times and grant us the blessing of entering the highest heaven, holding hands. May we be one of Your favourite couples. May our marriage be the reason for us to be the closest to You here and the hereafter. May our marriage be a blessing not only for us, but our families, our parents and our children. Grant us blessings from Your Grace, so we may bring in goodness in a society where marriages become dented and broken easily. May ours survive without hurdles. Allah, grant me true love of my husband’s heart. And lastly… Ya Allah, be forever at my aid.. because without you I’m doomed. May You always be my first, foremost and highest love and priority.

Blessings and salutations upon our Nabi (SAW). Peace and mercy upon his ummah, his nation. His families, his companions.

Subhan Allahi wa bi hamdihi Subhan Allahi wa bi hamdihi Subhan Allahi wa bi hamdihi

Allahu Akbar

Allahumma ameen.