Oshompurnota

As I am stepping out of July, with a heart full of loss looking back into the year that has been so generous and kind in trying times, I realized, how much I’ve grown and how beautifully faith has not only strengthen me but Allah has also answered to all my prayers.

A year back, this very first week of August had sunk my heart into a never ending pit of darkness, hopelessness. I had lost all my courage to cancer.

I don’t know what it was, but I was scared and miserable. I couldn’t get my mind off her the entire time and I got her flowers for her birthday. Something from me for her. I just knew it in my heart even before it had happened. My instinct called out to me that something was going to go dreadfully wrong.

I felt it…. I just knew it.

And I prayed that I was wrong, that I was just overthinking. Ten days later, on 13th of August, I got that inauspicious text. I wasn’t scared anymore… For months to come I would just numb.

But I saw her. Fighting. I saw everyone who loved her fighting the cancer. They fought with her, for her. They were her support because she’s our world.

And it stabbed my heart every time she had to muster all her effort to put on a smile. I hated those lines of pain on her face, I hated to see her so weak and frail. I hated I couldn’t take on her pain. I hated I couldn’t be her substitute for this test. I hated all I could do was nothing.

I remember those months when none of us truly smiled. When all happiness were half-hearted and all we could think was when it would end. Everyone was fighting their own battles. And I always failed mine when every time she was the one to take on undeniably the most painful of the wars.

But Allah is Most Merciful. He blessed her a token of joy, her real dose of daily strength during those chemotherapy days. Life gave us hope and faith in a bundle.

Fast forward to today, Allah answered all our prayers and cancer lost to faith, love and family. Allahumma ameen.

Everyone knows I love you. It has become an obvious fact of my existence- that my heart beats for you. That whatever I do, I do it for you.

But what can one sided love do? Nothing.

I’m just another stranger to your private life. I have no share in your everyday mundane moments. What if today you lost another golf ball in the ground? I won’t get to see the tired face when you come back from work. I will miss the way you’d be munching like a rabbit, as if there is nothing more satisfying in this world. I wouldn’t know if your mom said something funny again at breakfast yesterday, or when your dad would call you to know where you are at. Then, those cute little moments building a home for the new member in your hearts. I wouldn’t know the smile in your sister’s eyes when she holds him in her arms.

What about those moments when you break down and show no one? Have I not become just somebody oblivious to your fears and failures like everyone?

I will never get to say, “I’m proud of you” again. I will not be there nervously waiting for you to come back from a meeting or a business trip or maybe your weekend tournaments. You won’t be sending that one text to say how it all went. What hurts is that, in your life my void will never be felt, it will be replaced, very soon by someone else.

You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.

There is nothing to hold onto, I’m failing into darkness again.

Just a dead corpse, bleeding out.

It’s been a year since I have finished the last chapter, walked out of something I built with pieces of what I have been, I have walked out on someone I thought I would treasure for life. I walked out with my head held high and hopes of never looking back, not that thoughts of diving back in didn’t cross my mind. Pieces of me I have left behind almost made me take that jump, but I have walked too far and the roads behind me, scare me to walk back again, I can’t look back, I don’t want to look back anymore. It has been way too dark to see anyways. All I need now, is to permit myself to grief. Who I need now is a somebody who would understand me, someone who could see, it’s still not easy. Even after a year.

She was waiting for him, all day for the night She kept checking her time and couldn’t wait to take that flight But the minutes, they kept testing her patience Making her intolerant of their distance

He was miles away in the land of snow Waiting for her too Thinking of everything to leave her wooed They had their fantasies all ruled down For until this time, when she will be in his town.

She stood invisible in the crowd But their hearts caught sight of each other even without a sound He was looking straight into her eyes As he stumbled to grab her for that first kiss since the last goodbye

Then the way to his place was just an overcast They were in each other’s arms at last Not caring they were in the taxi-cab He held her by the waist Pulled her on his lap Both breathing heavy and indulging into the lust

He kept kissing her furiously She kept at it breathlessly They rushed off the taxi Without caring to take the change He had her here now, where all their fantasies were imagined

There shouldn’t be another moment without you in my life There shouldn’t be a day when I cannot talk to you at night You need to become my reality, my dream come true And let me grow grey and old with you I want to walk to the heavens’ doors by your side And watch you smile under the moon light