Yes, sometimes we do need to really go down into the basics, don’t we? I should be frank; most people do not have a clue how to apologize. Until about two years ago I had no idea how to apologize, because I’d never given it much thought.
We can start by running through a bad apology.
- Use words that signpost what you’re doing as an apology; say that you’re sorry, that you want to apologize, that you regret your actions.
- Explain how it wasn’t actually your fault, OR vaguely gesture towards some truism that exonerates you. This can take many forms, but it can be anything from “it was a dumb mistake, but we all do stupid things” to “you see I was already really angry about-”.
- Imply that the apology is all that is needed for things to return to normal, as though this is the default resolution.
Bad apologies look and sound like an apology superficially, present mitigating circumstances, and are made with the intention of returning things to normal. I hope that everyone reading this can understand that this approach is a bad one. Here is a framework for a good apology. It’s pretty hefty, so certainly save it for a serious situation.
1: INTENT. Ask yourself why you are apologizing. To give a meaningful apology, you need to start with the intent to apologize. You aren’t trying to fix the relationship or win them back, or get your friend to stop hating you, or anything like that. You’re going in to show that you know what you did is wrong, to make amends, and you don’t have any selfish intent.
2: DEMONSTRATE EMPATHY. Show the person you’re apologizing to that you’ve given some thought to why what you did is wrong. Show that you’ve put yourself in their shoes. Be ready to listen here, since the person you’ve wronged may want to make sure you actually understand what they went through.
3: SHOW REMORSE. Say that you feel guilty over what you did, and that you know you did something wrong. If there’s anything you can do to make amends, this is a good place to offer that.
4: EXPLAIN INTENT. With 2 and 3 behind you, you can simply make it clear that you wanted to apologize because you know you wronged them, and you feel it is right that you apologize. If you feel it’s necessary, make it clear that you’re apologizing in the hope of making things better and giving some closure, and not because you plan to gain something from it.
5: THEIR MOVE. This is an interactive process, not a one-sided one. Keep in mind that no one owes you their forgiveness or their time. So make it clear that you understand that. It’s up to you whether you move past it. A good apology may improve your odds, since you’re showing real remorse and empathizing with them, but that isn’t the purpose of it.
I know that what I did was out of order. You were clearly uncomfortable and I pushed too hard, and I should have known that you would be embarrassed and angry. It was wrong of me, and I’m sorry. I upset you, and I want to do what I can to make you feel better, or give you some closure. I hope that you forgive me, but I understand if you feel you can’t.
Actually apologizing requires some introspection and maturity. To do it properly you need to put your own ego aside and do what you can to make the other person feel better. It’s a skill that is definitely worth developing.
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