khoyi ruh

i've hurt the people i've loved and i've been hurt by them too, but that doesn't cancel off. i've cared for them in a way that surprised even myself, but that's also not enough to cancel off the bad. hell, i would understand if you tell me 'bad' is an understatement.

we all have baggage at this point. we've all been hurt, healed from it and dug it all back up again. it's human nature to feel and it's the easiest to drown in sorrow and let it consume you so we gravitate towards it.

i'm not asking you to get over the thing you've been holding on to nor am i asking you to move on. i'm asking you to breathe. just stop for a second and breath.

you don't have to be good or bad in this moment. you just have to be. your choices can wait because you're the one making them. tomorrow can wait because it's never tomorrow is it? it has always been today.

The sheer willingness to give and continue giving and to take and take so little —no man I've encountered has ever had the courage to connect with the part of himself that is capable of such selflessness. It is the ignorance that is taught to them by society, the need to always have the upper hand and to always be in charge of the reins —so they love within limit.

I have come to terms with the knowledge that no man will go out of his way to understand me the way I do. None of my thoughts will have space in his life that he has spent years carving into shape. All for what? Fame and fortune? For recognition by the very society that once considered him mediocre?

I'm not on my knees begging to be loved the way I love because being the one handing it out, I do not wish this lifetime imprisonment on anyone else.

No man can love the way a woman does or has or will somehow love in the future and if there are such men willing to make space for growth, to step down from the pedestal created in his mind—where is he? Have I been searching in the wrong place? Have I looked past it in my own narcissism?

Give me a date and time. I'll wait for him. I'll stop loving easily. I'll save it for the one that deserves it.

But that's not happening is it? I'll have to cut myself into pieces and place my heart on a platter for every man who at some point intrigues me, hoping that this time around he will give a fraction of what he takes.