Livin' Life

I’d categorize myself with my toes out of the closet. Some friends know, some don’t. Some family know, some don’t. I feel like at 32 years of age, I’ve been hiding and holding onto this thing that I cannot accept and grow into. I’m working towards it, but I’ve felt stuck for a while.

Some days I’m ready to send an email to my family and just say “fuck it” - here I am. Other days I ask myself if I really want that kind of attention and speculation on myself. I know one day I’ll be proud. I just need to appreciate the small strides and let go of the “what ifs.”

I feel safe in this community and I am forever grateful for that. Happy Wednesday.

Closets can be very safe, even comforting. And I think depending on a person’s situation, they can be the safest option. However, closets can also feel stuffy and suffocating. We’ve all been in our own closets. We’ve all taken our own time to figure things out and process safely and on our own. But I think at some point, at least in my experience, my closet ended up feeling like it was stifling me, like I couldn’t feel fully myself if people didn’t know.

I’m not saying that you should come out to everyone. It’s your life, your safety, your comfort. You’re just as valid in the community in the closet as any other person marching in a pride parade. I actually haven’t come out to every single person. I’ve got some crazy-leaning political relatives who will never get to know me authentically. I think it’s their loss, but I won’t compromise myself by allowing them to know me fully.

What I’ve always found most exhausting about “coming out” is that you’re never done. It doesn’t happen every single day, but regularly, I’ll run into someone who doesn’t know. And no matter how I dress or who I’m with or what I’m doing, there are moments when I have to come out all over again (after feeling/being out for about seven years).

Maybe this is controversial to say, but it might help to forget the word pride for a little bit. I remember for a while feeling awkward because I didn’t want to be proud. I didn’t want to feel proud because I didn’t want being queer to be my only identity. I didn’t want people to see me and only see the token gay person they know. Now, I am proud of who I am. I do have pride. All. Year. Long. I am proud that I’m queer, but I’m also proud because I’m a multi-faceted person with tons of cool qualities.

For now, try instead of proud or pride to think of love or acceptance. I think it’s gonna have to come from you to you. It might sound silly, and you don’t have to write it down, but I can remember making myself lists of all that I was and all that I loved about myself. For example: I’m a daughter, a sister, a runner, a longboarder. I’m creative, goofy, queer, athletic. I think loving yourself, not just because you’re queer but because you’re an intricate, purposeful mix of all of these things, including queer is most important. Take the emphasis off of the gayness. You can’t force pride, but you can learn self-acceptance by leaning on yourself and on the people who know you authentically 🧡 -sam