Poetry, from me to you

I can still feel your touch

I've bitten off my tongue

I can still taste you

I've poured acid in my eyes

I can still see you

I've busted my eardrums

I can still hear you

They say time heals all wounds

I call bullshit

Nothing can cleanse me

And our knees touched

And guide you to the edge of the sidewalk

As people from behind you

Are trying to pass

I don't immediately let go of your arms...

I let them linger on your skin

Trying to engrain in my heart

what your touch feels like

You notice my hesitation to pull away

And take a slow step closer

Gently turning me against the wall

Ever so slowly you let your body

Get closer to mine

My hands still on your arms

Your touch has marked my soul

You press your body against mine

And hug me softly

Slamming doors

Rain pours

Stinging my skin

Yellow lines flash by

Asphalt slide

Say goodbye

Sudden stop

I forgot

How I want to hold onto your arm when we walk

How I want to see you every day

How I want to go hiking with you at that place you told me about

How I desperately want to know what your hand feels like in mine

How your lips feel on mine...

But for now and forever,

I will only know the warmth of your smile

The touch of your hand on my shoulder

The ache of our friendship

The look in your deep eyes when you look at me...

the same eyes that drew me in from day one

I will love you as much as I can

For now...

I don’t know how it happened And I don’t know when it started But slowly I noticed that I hated you. You noticed it too.

Day by day it all fell apart Bit by bit I broke you down I wanted you to hate me too But you never stopped loving me.

I tried and I tried To push you away So I could retreat back to my solitude. You wouldn’t let me.

It sounds romantic but It made me hate you more. I wish I could say I still loved you then too But I can’t remember.

I can’t remember if you looked at me the same way. I can’t remember how we talked. I can’t remember how often you called me. Or if you called at all.

I wish I could remember everything So I could apologize for the way I treated you. But part of me is glad that I can’t. It would hurt too much.

It’s amazing what doctors can do And how medication works. With the flip of a switch I remembered you I remembered that I loved you.

I hoped it wasn’t too late. I hoped I could try again. To be myself with you again Without resentment.

I was scared you would hate me forever I was scared you wouldn’t take me back. But I called and you answered And you said “We got this, babe”

We’ve been working on us ever since We’re better than we were in the beginning You love me, unconditionally You resent nothing,

To my dear husband, if you read this, I’m still sorry I forgot to love you But as you sleep next to me as I write this, I know you know already.

You say to me as I reach down

And touch the flower

Dripping with dew

from an ecstasy rain

I caress the petals

Oh, so gently

And move my fingers with grace

I take your hand in mine

And teach you how to do the same

You’re slow and steady

But I can see the nervousness in your eyes.

You do exactly as I did

And soon the rainwater falls again

I caught the way your face lit up when you saw me

I felt the way your hand tightened around mine

I heard the way you spoke my name.

I notice how you pull me closer just before you fall asleep

and how you gently smile when you hear my voice

Bodies entangled I can feel your breath on my lips and your pulse on my palms.

The floodgates of our hearts opened to each other

Commanding is your role you play it with devotion like your life depends on it

You charge me with guarding your heart as I entrust you with mine.

The house is clean

The dishes are done

I went to work 

and wore a smile.

I sat in my chair

and watched as the kids rode their bikes

up and down the drive.

I fed them dinner

and put them to bed,

then showered the day away.

From the outside looking in, 

Everything is fine

But what they don't see...

Is that I can't sleep

I can't eat

I Cry on the way to work

And in the shower

And when I lay down in bed at night. 

They don't see me drag my feet when I walk

They don't hear the way I say your name under my breath 

They don't see me swallow my misery

Day

After day

After day

Losing you is a fate worse than death.

They say all is fair in love and war…

But this…

This isn’t fair.

It’s not fair that I come home to an empty house.

It’s not fair that we can’t go for a drive.

It’s not fair that your chair is empty at the dinner table.

It’s not fair that I must do this alone now...

I miss you more than I can bear.

There was a decade stretch where I didn’t write poetry.

I always craved the feeling of writing like the very air that I breathe... But I was betrayed by someone who I thought loved me They used my writing against me and I vowed to never write again.

But then a man came along. A stranger. He wrote a book, A 10-year collection of poetry. I read it from cover to cover and it struck a nerve in me.

That writing itch that hadn’t been scratched in too long.

That night, I wrote a poem titled “Fear”. I locked it away in my notebook and hid it from everyone. “No one will ever know” I said to myself.

Even after writing this poem, the itch was still there.

I wrote another and another, But I couldn’t satisfy the urge

10 years of suppression Was escaping from my fingertips And I couldn’t stop.

I needed more

I worked up the nerve to submit my poem to a contest. The poem that I was so afraid of someone reading, Had won a poetry contest.

I was shaken to my core So I wrote another And another.

This was one year ago. Since then, I’ve shared 38 poems, and won 5 contests, And I owe it all to a stranger who wasn't afraid to write a book.

“I just feel so alone” I said to you as I cried.

“You’re not alone, and you never will be” you replied.

You stayed on the phone with me that night

Until I had no more tears to cry. 

Until you saw me smile again.

Until I fell asleep. 

And when I woke up,

You were still there.

You called me that night

And the next

And every night thereafter.

You made sure I was never alone again.

To this day you call me,

Just because.

You never say it,

But I know it’s because you love me.

I’m on my meds and all is well. I’m productive and I won’t yell. I feel fine, I’m just cruising. No more crying. No more losing my shit.

I’m off my meds and it’s slow. Time stands still. I feel low. Can’t do anything. I just lie here Unproductive, I disappear again.

I’M OFF MY MEDS! I’M OFF MY MEDS! I’M HANGING ON BY THREADS! I’M CONFUSED! I’M IRATE! I CAN’T HANDLE ALL THIS WEIGHT ANYMORE!

I’M DYING INSIDE! I CAN’T TAKE ALL THIS PRESSURE! I FEEL MISUNDERSTOOD! I AM THE AGGRESSOR! I’M CRYING, AND FOR WHAT? I’M JUST TRYING TO LIVE MY LIFE WHY CAN’T I CONTROL MYSELF? GODDAMN, WHERE’S MY KNIFE? DESPERATE!!

Your hands are perfectly gentle and strong. I’ve seen them turn wrenches, and balled tight in anger. I’ve seen the way they glide across your steering wheel, and across my skin.

You hold my hand in yours like it’s made of pure gold, and you carry my heart all the same.

And your eyes… Emerald green, soft when you look at me, sharp when you protect me. both are beautiful.

Your skin is soft to the touch, your smile makes me weak.

The way you say my name, the name that only you know… It feels like Home.

You wrap me up in your warmth every night and kiss me under the stars.

You take my hand and guide me outside Just to listen to rain hitting the leaves.

Somewhere between wakefulness and sleep You reach out for me and pull me close.

I can feel you breathe.. the rise and fall of your chest.

Your arms wrap around me and hold me tight.

I could stay here forever enveloped in your embrace.

I made a deal with the devil

And sealed it with a demon’s kiss.

 My soul for his love

It was conditional.

 At first, it didn’t feel real.

It was unlike any love I’d ever known.

Full of life and promise and purpose.

And that’s how he gets you.

 Slowly and slowly

He drug out my soul.

 Piece by piece

He chipped at my heart.

 And before I knew it,

I wasn’t even me anymore.  

 I begged for me back

And he laughed in my face.

He told me it was my fault.

Made me say sorry for not loving him back.

 I tried to take back what was mine

But the deal had already been made.

 He took me into his jaws of death

And swallowed me whole,

Spit me back out

And left me.

Empty,

Broken,

Soulless.

 He didn’t hold up his end of the deal…

Afterall,

I always felt as if my poetry wasn’t real poetry. That my writing could never be as good as Robert Frost, Walt Whitman, or Lord Alfred Tennyson. They were masters of their art. But then I read a book that explained the breaks, rhythm, and melody of poetry.

How for one to be a poet, One must write from the heart And let words flow from the soul.

How poetry isn’t defined by rhyme, But how the feelings of the poet are conveyed.

Poetry is an art form and should be seen as such. Read aloud, Attention set on the breaks, an inhale. The separation of stanzas, a brush stroke on a painting.

For me, poetry is alive. Flowing through my veins, Crawling under my skin, Dancing off my fingers onto paper.