Mari Luella

You shouldn't have to work for a relationship. Not the way you think. You should always work to be the best version of yourself, but it shouldn't be work to love someone. Loving them should come effortlessly, without a second thought. Without question, or doubt. So many of us get caught up in the wrong relationship, because we're convinced that with enough work it'll somehow be right. Some people say you have to wake up and choose love every day, and maybe that's not wrong, but at the very least it should be the easiest choice you make on any given day.

You say you're not falling out of love with me, but you're nothing like the man who fell in love with me.

I don't have the words, to spell out this feeling. This coldness, like glass, wrapped around me. Inside the quiet is loud, but the noise is unbearable. I didn't know, that I could feel cold, like this.

Love should be freeing. It should not be restricting. Love should be a sanctuary you return to, not a prison you are confined to. Love should be encouraging, of progress, of growth, of friendship outside of your love. It should not be confined within the terms of me and only me. Love should be accepting and grateful, not expecting and entitled. Love should be fun, and euphoric, and full of laughter. Most importantly, love should be gentle.

I'm so much better without you. I was so, profoundly, fundamentally unhappy when I was with you. I was so unhappy, yet so in denial about how unhappy I was, that I convinced myself I was actually incredibly sick. So sick that I needed 4 different medications to function and live my life (most at pretty high doses). Now that I'm not with you, now that I'm in a place where I actually like my life, I've remembered how well I used to function on one low dose antidepressant to manage my anxiety. I've been weaning off my medications to get back to this. I was scared at first. I was scared I was wrong and I really was sick, and once I lowered these meds I would get bad again. But I haven't. I've gotten better. I'm more clear, I feel more awake. I'm more present and engaged with my children. I'm less irritable. I wake up feeling rested instead of groggy. I'm so thankful that I woke up from the trance you had me in. I'm so thankful I opened my eyes to how brain washed I was. Leaving you was the hardest thing I've ever done, you made sure of that. Thank you. Now, now I know there's nothing I can't do, if I managed to leave you.

No one prepares you for how deeply it will change you when your self esteem improves. No one prepares you for how different people close to you will look to you once you can see that you deserve to be valued, or that you deserve to have what you want in life. No one prepares you for how stupid you're going to feel for letting yourself be stuck with the wrong person for so much of your life because you honestly believed you couldn't do better.