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Aight, I wanted to just write this down in a more level-headed manner, and I technically did that too on Tiktok, but I would like to write it here too with more detail because getting this off my chest helps. Before you get a heart attack, no I didn't do anything bad. I just felt really bad, and this has been weighing on my heart for a long while. Luckily, I am alright enough (for now) to get my frustration out in this way, and I just feel like I need to open up, because the people who are genuinely interested in me deserve to know what's up.
If you follow(/followed) me on Tiktok, you might have/haven't noticed that I posted my last video, saying goodbye to that platform. That's because I realised that this app is literally destroying my mental health, and the way I perceive myself and others.
I started looking at everyone as competition, mainly artists on that app. I couldn't really look at someone's work and go "oh that's a beautiful artwork", and instead I was blinded with rage, constantly comparing my and their mistakes to make myself feel better. I constantly burst into tears when I saw someone being more successful than me, which I only realised in these last few days (which is so crazy).
Therefore, whenever I uploaded art there, and I got little to no attention, I also crashed out. Tiktok was an app that I hoped a big amount of validation for, and I didn't get it. This made me spiral more into the mindset of "my art DESERVES to be loved. Why aren't people loving my art? F*ck them", and whenever I was thinking that, I constantly realised that that's not healthy at all — but I kept going, because I wanted attention. I wanted fame. I wanted a big number of people to recognise that "oh yeah, she is good".
Whenever I grabbed my tablet to draw, my first thought was 'content. How can I make this into content', and I RARELY enjoyed making art for myself. Projects that I did make for myself almost never got finished, because I viewed it as worthless, something that people won't ever see.
My jealousy got to a point where I was "hissing" at inexperienced artists there who were less skilled than me, but still had more fame. No, I didn't harass them, I never wrote anything to them, but there were times when I spent a whole day just letting my anger marinate inside of me and constantly thinking that they suck, and I should be the one with their followers. So yeah, another unhealthy thinking process.
It also really messes with your head if you have to compare yourself with your younger self. I'm not going to go into detail, because I'm a bit scared that some people will recognise me and bomboard me with questions as on why did I stop, but I was on Tiktok before with 30 thousand+ followers once (at my peak, I had 45k). I also uploaded art there, and, obviously, skill-wise, it was much worse than my current one. So I didn't understand WHY couldn't I get that amount of love as before. Why couldn't I get that amount of followers with much better art now. (With my current mindset, I still don't.) I genuinely don't think that I will ever escape from my past regarding this.
Tumblr is different though. I perceive this app as a dead one (sorry, but imo that's the truth). Receiving even one heart here is literally a miracle, so I'm actually really proud when about 10 of you react to my posts here. The most I appreciate are comments, because I can genuinely connect with people like that, and that feels really good. Sorry if it looks annoying that I almost reply to every comment, but it's literally a sign for me that there is at least a little "attraction to my work" when someone says something under my art and has an opinion. If I don't reply, that either means I didn't notice, or my brain is too mush to give you a normal reply lol.
Anyway. I guess I could say that this is a form of apology, to people who thought that I was different, and to myself too. I feel bad that I got to this point, and I feel even worse that I had to realise that I genuinely need to take a step back to heal. So yeah. Sorry if you were a follower of my Tiktok and you enjoyed the content, but I need to consider my health, and others' well-being first. I know it's really childish to reach this point, but I couldn't help it; I know now that it's a deeprooted issue that I might have to get professional help for in the future, when I have the chance. I just hope I made the right decision by removing myself from the situation, instead of continuing to roll in my self-hatred and my validation issues.
Thanks if you read till the end (wow you care that much? I'm flattered :> XD jk)
Uh
Idk
Here have a lore drop of Spiro
What else to write, I'm lowkey embarassed now
I feel like I have to grab an ukulele to apologise, but then again, I didn't do anything bad, I just talked about my feelings nobody knew about, so... yeah.
Anyway
🧐
Actually I changed my mind
Have some fun facts of him instead:
-He is terrified of bees, but he loves to build bee robots to keep around
-He is actually a punk regarding his clothing style, he is just lazy to do his make-up, style his quills and dress up into appropriate clothes
-He has a Chao named Karma, and they both love and hate each other lol
Curious what you think of the Comics. Archie and IDW alike.
Same for characters that are media original like Sticks, Cosmo, Honey, Trip (Honey and Trip locked to class era, let them out). I guess I like to ask everyone that, as somebody that throws almost everything into one AU and makes it work.
Hey hey :D
I actually have the first book volume of IDW comics (is that how you say it? Like not the first comic, but the first series of the IDW comics), but I still haven't gotten to read it because I was lazy to learn lore through the games XD (I literally need to only play/watch Sonic Forces atp, and I'd be able to start reading). Anyway, as much as I know about IDW, so far I love it. I love the different kind of stories, and I'm especially interested in the Metal Virus storyline.
I'll be honest, I'm not a big fan of the Archie Comics though. There are many wonderful characters there, but I feel like they have written some of our OGs SO badly from the snipets I read, that I just can't bring myself to read it fully. (Also how they handled Amy my god... As a number one Amy defender, I ain't gonna read something where she acts like that😭)
Anyway, for the characters, I'm really interested in Surge, but the other media original characters I'm looking at a lot and would love to draw them or do something with them are Lanolin and Sticks. Characters that rarely appeared (or appeared only once) in games but I also adore them are Infinite, Ariem and Fang. Tbh as an artist, I mainly choose my favourite characters on aesthetics and how dynamic are their designs, but the backstory also plays a huge role (I mentioned that I didn't watch/play Sonic Forces, but I like Infinite a lot; that's because of his background itself I learned about. He is incredibly cool salivates) So yeah, love 'em!
Ok so overall, I'm mostly positive about Sonic media that aren't games. Just don't put the actual archie comics near my existence and we are good LMAO (reworks, fanarts, fanprojects regarding it are okay).
No, I won't explain anything regarding lore :P Just to scratch your suspicions, it's Shadow who is talking, buuuut that's not that big of a deal to the lore.
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I don't want to reduce Silver's character into this, but I always love the 'weaker man, stronger woman' ships. Not that I'm calling Silver weak, it's just that his demeanor is more, well, I would say naive than Blaze's. I find that cute.
And also, I like a lot of Silver ships if I'm being honest... but Silvaze is definitely on the top!
(And probably because I have 3 fankids for them LOL)
Ahemm... time for a Sonamy AU of mine. (I'm back baby)
This was made when I was in the verge of creating my new style and hating my (at that time) current one lol - and in spite of all that, these actually came out very decent, so yippie.
I don't want to yap too much yet, all you have to know that this is an AU where Amy and Sonic are very much enemies at the beginning, fighting for and protecting different causes.
Also it's a reoccurrence that I make Amy sit on Sonic, it's funny as sheeet. Anyway, I have like... Maybe 2 more Sonamy AUs? I'll introduce them later too.
The best convos and gossip always flow naturally when you are using your dad as your chair, isn't that right, Spiro?
Oh HOW I WONDER who they are talking about. #sonichatingclub
Lol idk. I have already depicted Spiro resting on Robotnik at least 2 times before, but I just can't stop drawing them like this, it's too cute. Spiro regularly likes to rest on Ivo's belly or sit on his shoulder, this is his own way of asking for attention. The doctor doesn't mind it tho, that's still his baby (albeit a very annoying and heavy baby nowadays).
Don't want to yap too much, just adding that I tried to redesign Ivo's outfit again. Idk if I'll keep this design, I'll see
I made this yesterday under 7 hours, literally my fastest video I ever created and put effort into😭 My new artstyle speeds things up tho, even though the first two scenes should have been refined a bit.
Tiktok didn't appreciate it too much, I'll just repost it until it will HAHA. Ik Tumblr also doesn't like videos but eh
Coming back from the dead hi. New style art dump + finally introducing 2 of my other Sonic Fankids (next to Spiro and Onyx heh)
I'm yapping too much under my posts. So yeah, new style, I already posted this to my tiktok once before taking it down, so some of you might have seen the first few pics. This and the designs are not fully developed, so there will be changes to some of them. Anyway I finally feel very comfy with this style, it just needs more development. Ignore the arms and hands in some of these, I gen couldn't care less to draw them normally.
And heh. New Style comes with new AU👀
Feral AU :)))
HONESTLY if I morphed my Sonic Fankids' AU into this Feral AU, Spiro's story and many of it's elements would make so much MORE senseeeeee ugh. I'll see.
Also don't worry, Sonic doesn't want to actually eat Spiro here, he just wanted to scare him after Spiro cussed him out lol
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New artstyle perchance? Maybe. I enjoyed drawing this sm though. It's messy, it's chaotic, it's something which made me step out of my comfort zone :)) At least, for me.
This was basically a practice, so there are parts which are rather wonky, but oh well. I'll improve.
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