kerned letters

As time passes and I get older, I find myself slipping down a darker and darker path. I find myself searching desperately for a speck of light in what feels like nothingness. There’s nothing here. Not me, not you, not anyone. And, I’m drowning in it. And, I don’t know how to escape.

Things are so black and white, lacking the vibrance of my memories. Nothing is mysterious anymore, and everything sort of just... is. I find myself being intolerant to the ignorance of others, even to the ignorance of myself. I no longer am patient and understanding; but bitter and unforgiving. I used to strive to be someone who could always see the positive, even in the most negative of situations. I believed everyone had good in them, everyone desired to be good. Naive as I was, it was a nice thought. It was pleasant. I enjoy remembering those thoughts and how passionately I believed them. I believed we could all be saved from the darkness that fills us. For me, that darkness has seemed to take control. I feel like these words escape me as a desperate cry for help, that the last glimmer of light within me wants to be heard, noticed... saved.

I don’t remember a time I’ve felt so alone, so empty. Is this black and white perspective an outcome to this loneliness; or, is the loneliness an outcome to my rigidity? I don’t know. It’s scary.

I feel my younger self would be disappointed in the man I’ve become. I make more money than my younger version ever thought I would; but, I’m unhappy, lonely, and more confused and more unsure than ever. It eats away at me every day, every single day.

I really wish someone would notice this emptiness within me and save me. Growing up, I prided myself on helping others... hearing them out, listening to their problems, giving them advice and doing everything in my power to help. Hell, even people I barely know would be treated no differently. I felt this was my value, my worth – my ability to understand others and help. Even back then, I never really had many people to turn to with my problems. I had a few, but they’re mostly gone now. And now, with my real adult problems, I don’t know who to turn to, who is there to help. I feel as I’ve grown, it is more and more wrong to feel weak, to cry for help, to want to be saved. You’re an adult, you’re the savior, you’ve had your time to be weak.

Sometimes in the redundancy of it all, I find myself pausing, almost as if time stopped completely. This pause breaks that day-to-day redundancy for what feels like forever.

I find myself wondering, “what is keeping me here in this infinite loop? Friends? Family? Work? Love?” I’m unsure, but also comfortable. I’ve got a pretty solid gig going on here, I’d be a fool to compromise it.

I know I’m blessed to be where I am today. I don’t have a formal education or even proper experience, but I’ve managed and am doing well. Besides that, the whole redundancy of it all, the monotony of continuing to do it over and over and over again, chasing your industry evolutions and that raise to prove you’ve advanced yourself... It’s all tiring, draining, and typical. I think it stems down to our egos, we all want to be special and I find doing the same thing as everyone else is just... so normal, so bland, and just average. Remember when we were kids and would dream of making a change? Being a big deal? Doing something no one has done? I do. What happened to it? Did I just settle for normalcy? Where did I sign up for this shit? I don’t know. I mean, it’s not all bad; but, it’s not all good, either.

I used to require friends to help break the normalcy of school and just growing up. Weekends were a great break from that reality. As I’ve gotten older, weekends are more devoted to resting, getting errands done, cooking food for the week, cleaning the house, and maybe wind down with a drink and Netflix. Sometimes I’ll find a good game to drown my realities away in. After all that is said and done, the energy to go out and hang with friends in superficial conversations has dwindled to none. Time is scarce and if I’m going to spend it on something, I want to make sure it’s with people I truly want to be with.

I find that as time moves forward, our connection with others seem to weaken; whereas, some strengthen. As your friends begin having families of their own, the priorities shift—relationships change, pivot, evolve. Sometimes it’s tough to come to terms with that, but it’s all part of life. With it, there’s a fair share of good and a fair share of bad. It’s all perspective really and how you look at it. Honestly, now that I think about it, the weakening bonds are almost entirely on me. As I’ve gotten older, I have way less energy to tolerate a scenario or person. Partying every weekend with “close” friends who were just drinking buddies has grown boring and tiresome. As we age, or for myself, I’ve begun to require more substance, more reality in our bonds. Unfortunately, not everyone satiates that thirst... In fact, many sadly don’t.

I’ve hit somewhat of a wall here. I have so much, I am so blessed to be where I am and have what I have. Yet, there’s this insatiable void within me that I keep trying to fill that always remains empty. The weight of its gravity holds me down and prevents me fro jumping into any sort of unknown. As time passes, it only becomes more and more crippling. I can put a bandaid on it that may last for a few days, weeks, or months—but even that temporary patch ends up disappearing in that void, that emptiness. 

I guess, that’s why I’m writing this. To get these thoughts, these words out. Maybe this is a me holding onto a sliver of hope that maybe, while I write this, it’ll all be clear. 

It's amazing what a well-meshed group of people can create together opposed to apart.

No one can be the expert of all fields in life—there just isn't enough time for all that. We have to learn to find people we trust, people we can lean on, peoples' whose words we can count on. The ability to find these certain individuals is a challenge in itself and we will all fail many times before we find one.

When that group is found and put together, it's like there is nothing that can't be achieved. I've seen some seemingly-impossible deadlines, even just recently. A group of us stayed throughout the week and over the weekend to get these designs completed. It wasn't dreadful, it wasn't exhausting... Surprisingly, it was great. We were working as a team, each doing our part in areas we thrived. Man, we kicked-ass and pulled off a miracle. The deadline was met with a day to spare.

Things like this happen all the time. If you focus on yourself as the solution, it'll only lead to failure. The hardest thing I personally have been trying to overcome is that self-dependency mentality—sometimes you have to learn to just let go and trust others. The idea of that being so difficult reinforces the fact that you need a trustworthy team, a team that not only you respect but inspire and motivate each other. That fuel is contagious and will spark a flame of just incredible shit you couldn't even imagine. 

The client to vendor relationship is a complicated one. The vendor, trying to make quality product and be profitable; whereas, the client is trying to save money and still get quality. Let's find mutual ground.

All of the gray area is illuminated (hopefully) by a well-written contract. Hopefully, the scope is outlined clearly and there aren't any gray areas; however, as dealing with the forever varying types of people, gray areas always exist. 

Too often than not clients and vendors treat each other as cows—affordable designs and easy money. 

I've been experimenting on my own to try and bridge the gap between client and vendor. I have a hunch if we can come to terms and arrive at a common ground, we'll look out for each other. The end result will be a mutual relationship where the vendor maintains profit and the client gets quality shit without having to pay out the ass. I think the understanding will create a long-lasting relationship that will have benefits for both sides.

I've noticed in meetings, especially with an non-sociable PM, things get dreary. The client is losing momentum, we're losing momentum, it's just a loss. I've been trying to treat things less "business" and more "casual". The way I look at it, we are all aligned on at least one thing—creating some cool shit. As a Designer, I become so enticed to make something I haven't done before, to bring a clients' vision to life to the best of my ability. I want to get to know the client—only then can I really begin to understand their vision. 

There are pros and cons. I've been offering clients a lot of working sessions where we can get to know each other, and they can dabble in some "behind-the-scenes" work. I don't want them to get too comfortable with the idea I'm always available to meet and have these collaborative sessions (which they often can get into this habit if not monitored) so I try to do this only when necessary. I've noticed the outcome is they often have much more faith when I go off on my own for a week to create their vision—they know we're on the same wavelength and have felt involved in creating something they once could not. When the final product is created, they show a sense of pride that they got their hands wet, too. I try my best to make it a fun process rather than a sheltered one. 

I translate this mentality to how I present my work to a client. Once I've gained their trust through either these collaborative sessions or just by making some kickass designs, going off and working for a week before the next deadline doesn't make them unnerved. When we do end up meeting with the client, I try to make it an enjoyable experience. Making jokes, speaking casually, allowing them to let their guard down and really mesh our teamwork.

So far, it's all been working pretty well or I'm just getting really lucky with the clients I've been trying this with. Who knows where my future experiences will take me but I'm hoping I can refine this process of mine to as near perfect as I can get it. 

I look back at things I've created last year and wonder, "what the fuck was I thinking?"

An interesting conversation had with a fellow co-worker and I dove deeper into this. Perpetually, a Designers' life is consisted of this feeling. Doubting your choices you've made in the past because you've grown since then. Would it be correct to think that once these feelings have ended, you've hit a plateau? Where as a Designer, you have not progressed? 

Added into this mentality—design is forever changing with the times. Now looking back at skeuomorphic designs, I'm wondering what the heck were all of us thinking? Yet, at the time, that was revolutionary and needed as the digital world became more tangible. Skeumorphic design tried to bridge the gap between the real world and the digital, and that was what was needed.

Now, as trends move more towards minimalism, things have begun changing again. No longer is it about designing realism but indulging in more of the abstract ideas yet remaining intuitive. Design has evolved with the times, evolved with the people who are now acquainted with the digital era.