𐔌 ⸝⸝ keo || swan song

my dad got in a fight today. he was scared the guys would follow him to his car. he sent his friend, who just flew back home yesterday after being gone for 4 months, a text. "need you quick, <location>, trouble." in 15 minutes he was there, speeding the whole way there.

he drove all the way over just to walk my dad to his car and drive with him to make sure he wouldn't be followed.

that is something i hope to have when i grow older.

when my father was young, he had no idea that one day, when he was scared, he would call his middle school friend. the boy he would play basketball with, the boy he would sit at lunch with, he would be his first idea of who to call when he needed help.

when i'm in trouble when i'm older, i wonder who i will call. will it be the boy that sits across from me in english who i text for homework help? will it be the girl on my tennis team who lent me her racket when i had to go play singles and mine was dented? will it be the girl who i offered to pick up at 2 in the morning when her dad was drunk and yelling?

no matter who it is, there will be someone, and that's the beauty of having people who reciprocate your care. your found family, the people where there's no pressure to love each other, but despite that, the love is still there.

we all have someone that cares about us, even if you don't know them. someone that wonders where you are when you don't come to class, the teacher that makes sure to wave at you when they see you around campus, the cousin that looks forward to seeing you every holiday.

i have identified as many different things throughout my life. i have used many different sets of pronouns, many different gender labels, many different sexuality labels, but it doesn't change anything.

no matter my identity, i just don't feel it. i just don't like labels that much. i don't label my gender nor my sexuality online. in my normal life, if someone asks for my sexuality, i just say "i don't know, i just kinda like everyone you know?" and people seem cool with it most of the time.

i think my personal dislike for labels comes from my view of myself. when i think of myself, i don't think i am a body with a soul. i am a soul with a body. my soul has no birth sex, no gender, no sexuality, nothing. my soul is free.

i don't like the feeling of confinement in any way. i don't like anything that keeps me in a box. my dream life would be one where i have no limits surrounding me. this includes practically everything. no labels, no physical expression limitations, no house. ideally, even no body.

i want to be able to dye my hair and cut it whenever i please. i want to get whatever tattoos i want. i want people to look at me and not know what i am. i want people to call me a girl, a guy, a person, whatever they please, and i want to not correct them.

i hate how limiting life itself is. no matter how i express myself, there are certain things i can't change. i wish i could be a woman, a man, a parent, a child. i want to know every language and see every place and try every sport. i want to be a writer, an artist, a rockstar, a psychologist, a teacher. i want to live in a mansion, in a castle, in a studio, in a basement, in a loft, in an apartment. i want to know everyone, i want to be alone. i want to be driven insane by knowing everything, i want to be driven insane by my cluelessness.

you might be wondering why i don't just say "yea i don't really use labels." and go by any pronouns. that's because even that doesn't feel right.

call it internalized transphobia, call it fear, call it whatever you please. but it doesn't rest with me the way i know it would if it was right. even online, i just don't disclose what pronouns people should use for me, because i don't feel connected to any real set of them. i don't really correct people, and i don't feel upset when a certain set is used.