to love in quiet rooms

so the smell of smoke has officially motivated me to get up from my bed and do what i’ve wanted to do for a little while, so thank you former traumatic experience for getting me up (for those who don’t know, back in october my house caught on fire while i was in it and for some reason now, a letter ended up in the oven and nearly caught fire too …. it’s never ending). basically, the point of this post it just an explanation as to why i’ll be going on hiatus for the rest of the month which is something i think i need to do and it’s beyond time for me to take a break. tumblr roleplay started out as a getaway for me because my home life has never been good, my family doesn’t even put the “fun” in “dysfunctional” prob just the “dys” and so i found tumblr as the one thing to make me feel better. i could play characters that had even harder lives than me (which helped me as an outlet, i was able to take some of my anger and frustrations out on them … sorry). i developed friendships that i wish i had for myself, created ships that i get wholly invested in, and most of all, i met new people. i love my friends that i made, sometimes more than the people in my real life. but in spending all of this time online doing all of things fun things, i left minimal time for my actual life. i thought this was okay, though, because i didn’t have too many friends when i started and i’ve never been popular so it’s not like i’m missing out on too much. but i’m seventeen (sixteen, mainly in this post) and i need to get out and be social; i don’t want to look back on my life when i’m older and tell my kids that “well, i was online for most of my teens” when so many people get out and do fun things. 

the fun things online stopped being so fun after a while and it started to feel like a chore to some degree. i continued to pick up new characters in new roleplays in hopes of finding that great feeling i used to have, but it wasn’t there anymore. i didn’t click with new people anymore, i felt like what few online friends i have started to dislike me, and that my issues in real life were catching up with me. i’ve never been the “number one friend” if that makes sense; always second best, there was always someone better than me and i get that sort of thing happens. it’s allowed to happen, people are allowed to have more than just me as a friend but something in my mind and my heart feels as though that since they’re closer to someone else, they don’t like me. i annoy them, sending asks and messages makes me nervous because i’m afraid they won’t respond or will simply just say something to spare my feelings. but i’m an asshole, too. an over-sensitive asshole who reblogs posts about “not taking roleplaying seriously” in hopes that ‘hey, if i reblog this & make this shit my online mantra, i’ll stop” but like that works … 

being online nowadays doesn’t help with how i feel outside of the computer. it stresses me out because 1) i’m constantly fearing i’ll lose friends which i already think i’m doing, 2) i think i’m annoying, and 3) i certainly am not as talented as everyone else graphically and and …. writingly (lmao idk). i have crazy moodswings, i push my real friends away, i talk back to my parents, i don’t eat, and i stay online constantly in hopes of being happy again. but, in my opinion, the rpc is dying out painfully slow and with it, my hope of being happy in it. so i’ll be taking a hiatus until the end of the month to see how i function without tumblr in my life, to see if i’m happier and more involved. maybe i won’t be as sad as i am, maybe i’ll regain the social life i had a few months ago. but i love roleplaying too much to really and truly leave it. i like writing and developing characters, i like making ships and destroying them and rebuilding them. i like my friends here and getting hooked on their convos and plots and ships, i’d miss it too much if i left permanently – – so i’m not. 

just gone on a hiatus until feb 1st but y’all…when i come back … someone update me on everything that happened while i was gone. i wanna know about all those trashy exposed posts ‘cause tbh those are interesting to read (it’s like gossip magazines honestly), i wanna know all about how your guys’ characters developed, did your ships do anything fun? dID SOMEONE GET MARRIED/PREGNANT (those are my fave!!!). just let a sister know! 

see y’all soon

[ text ]: i like how you started the text with ‘i love you a lot’

[ text ]: well it’s only four movies, it was going to end...?

xavier held her until her breaths evened out more and her sobs turned to hiccups. he could hear the applause clearly now, and he pulled away from her ever so slightly so he could see her face, he wiped away at tears that had gathered under her eyes and let out a laugh, “they’re cheering for us,” he said, his hands still cupping her face, “that’s kind of amazing.” he leaned in and kissed her on the forehead, pulling her in for another gentler hug. he finally had her back, his best friend. now he had makena and bailey, and even though he knew they would help him, there was still the feeling of hopelessness in the pit of his stomach, the feeling that he would never be able to move on from his state of alcoholism.

xavier watched as her anger turned into a blank expression, and he wasn’t sure what to do. it seemed like hours went by until her expression changed again to something he wouldn’t have expected. when tears started streaming from her eyes and down her face he stared at her in disbelief. when she apologized through her sobs he pushed his chair out from underneath him, not caring that his chair clattered to the floor as he kneeled next to her chair and pulled her down onto the floor with him, his arms engulfed her, on hand running up and down her back soothingly as the other clutched the back of her head as he let more of his own tears spill out of his eyes. he wasn’t sobbing like she was, but he was letting out a lot of emotions that he had been holding back and drowning with alcohol. he thought he heard people in the shop clapping for them, but it was difficult to tell between makena’s sobs and his own ears ringing.

the way makena was quietly scolding him made it even worse, he would rather she yelled at him. when she slammed down his laptop he heard the coffeeshop grow quiet, and he was sure everyone was staring at them. he brought his eyes up to meet hers, and while all he could see in her eyes was anger, the only thing in his was fear. he didn’t have the energy to fight with her anymore, and as her voice continued to grow louder he felt more and more defeated. he knew that their relationship could never be fixed at this point, and he knew that it was his fault, but there was always a tiny glimmer of hope whenever he saw her that he would be able to sweet talk her into loving him again. he felt that hope shrivel into nothing as she spoke in a quiet, angry tone. xavier was too tired to do anything but sit there and take her words, biting down hard on his lip until she was done yelling at him. his sad eyes darted down to the table before he could open his mouth and speak, “makena- you know me. you know that no matter how angry i get i could never actually kill someone.” he felt his walls breaking down, and his breathing became more panicked as he tried to hold back his emotions that threatened to spill over. “i’m sorry i did that- i can’t even imagine what that did to you. i’m not going to make up any excuses this time- there are a lot of things i could try and blame it on, but really, it was just me. it was me and the anger i felt towards you that caused me to threaten that.” he tried to even his heartbeat and then looked back up at her, his eyes meeting hers again. “i know i put you through hell, and i should have said something sooner, but i promise you i won’t lay a finger on him. i’m so sorry- i’m so-” he shook his head and let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding in. “i’m sorry for everything. for all the shitty things i’ve done to you. i’ve been a terrible person and i’ve done terrible things. i wish i could take them all back and have you back in my life-” he choked on his words and tore his eyes away from hers just before a tear rolled down his cheek. “of course i still care about you- i’ll never stop caring about you. no matter what terrible things i do that make you question it, i will always love you.”

why wasn’t he retaliating? why wasn’t he raising his voice just an octave higher than her or balling his fists? where was his anger? makena never really took into consideration the effect of her words and spat them out without any regard of his feelings, though in that moment, in the silent vacuum that the coffee shop became, she realized. she’d never second guessed what she said before she said it, never thought back to how it would’ve settled with him; it was like every drop of good sense and empathy were drained from her body and all that was left was a cruel skeleton of a girl who had every intention to hurt her friend rather than help. makena’s face melted from its former furious expression into one that was hard to read because it offered no emotion though if he could glimpse into her mind, he’d see utter chaos. xavier was her best friend and she loved him more than words could ever describe, and she’d treated him like complete shit because of her own inability to stay by his side through his worst. what kind of friend was she? a terrible one who didn’t deserve him even when he wanted her back -- which was a total shock -- because in her own way, she was just as bad as him. makena accused him of doing malicious things that jeopardized their friendship even though she was guilty of taking what they had for granted and throwing him under the bus when he needed her most. she knew that if the situation was reversed, he would’ve been there for her and that broke her heart into a million unrecognizable pieces. 

directly after their last encounter xavier thought the next time he saw her he would be filled with rage, but when she sat down across him he didn’t feel anything but soul-crushing sadness. his stomach hurt, and he found himself wishing he had something stronger than coffee in the cup he was clutching tightly in his hands. he bit his lip and kept his eyes trained on his laptop screen, trying his hardest not to say anything to her. he held in his words until he felt like he would burst, “i would never actually do it, you know.” as he spoke his eyes never moved from the screen, “i wouldn’t kill harold. i could never kill someone. especially someone who means so much to you.” that, of course, was a lie. in the past couple weeks especially xavier had wondered what would happen if he killed himself, and up until recently makena had been his best friend. however, he wasn’t sure if that was ever something he could do, which was part of why he had egged her on when she threatened to kill him. if she had killed him, he wouldn’t have to do it himself. “you don’t have to worry about harold- i’m not going to do anything to him.” he took a sip of his coffee, his eyes still refusing to meet hers if she was even looking at him.

“Some people don’t seem to like me and was wondering if it could be because of my face. Like maybe I was horrifying to look at.”