life of kel

i came across you one day

and took a liking to the way i could sit in your shade and lean against your trunk to read my books in peace.

when your roots were turning yellow, i got water to make you healthy again.

when your branches were left bare after someone plucked your leaves, i planted flowers and grass around you.

but as time went on i began to notice more and more scratches your bark would give me when i leaned on you

and how the spot where i used to enjoy the shade was now reserved for the groundhog you let dig its home

and how you invited birds to sit on your branches and chirp and sing all day to their hearts content because you enjoyed their tune

in the meantime you started to telling me you needed more fertilizer, and soil, and a bench for others to sit on

I cant help but remember... How happy it was to be someone's something Dependency - Aren’t I supposed to find it revolting?

Why do I crave it? That title that signifies my worthiness of love... Oh how I wish to spurn not desire your dove.

I slam down my fourth glass. My mind imagining a future with the stranger next to me... Porch or driveway? Would the kids want a canopy in the trees?

i found your sweatshirt in the back of my closet today.  and here i thought i threw out every physical memory of you its got me thinking of every moment since that fateful "hey"

it still smells like you, with that coconut shampoo i know you like combined with just a hint of New York wind from when you rode your bike

i remember why I took it, an oversized sweater just above my knees  you told me i was beautiful when i wore it, which made me dance in glee

in this sweater, i was yours and you were mine in this sweater, i made promises that we would last with time

forgive me for all the lies forgive me for all the times i made you cry forgive me for all the anger and jealousy  forgive me. please. dont you miss me?

ive told everyone that you dont cross my mind anymore if only they knew that those words are folklore

its 3 am and i fucking miss you its 5 pm and i fucking miss you its your mom’s birthday today and. i. fucking. miss. you.

i want to ask how are you doing? is your brother well?  did his scar ever heal from falling down the stairwell? do you still play loud music and sing in the shower?  do you still stop on your way to work to sniff every flower?

i think about the road we took the one night you came back to my place how you tried to steal a traffic cone but then fell on your face god, do you remember how drunk we were that night when we stumbled through my door and couldnt even turn on the light

i wonder these things laying awake alone in bed tonight i still cant bear to sleep on your side, even a slight

counting sheep? more like counting the days its been since i last talked to you more like counting all the reasons why i should not call you more like counting all the nights i couldnt sleep because i thought of you

wishing you were here or at least still near

i reach over and grab two pills today instead of one. successfully resisting the urge to not grab a ton.

falling deeper into depths unseen, beneath the cover of eternal darkness listening to the echo of your own scream as the air caresses you and whispers “why miss?” 

but you are not scared… you are safe here. here, no one can reach you, hear you, or even see your true despair. here, the rivers of sadness can flow as freely as poured beer. after all, what is darkness but the absence of light? why waste time with a smile, when you can lie awake in bed all night?

I say, let the darkness engulf you, let it take root in your veins. while he commands remove the root, even though there will be pain.

how I wish it were that easy. how I wish I could forget. things like how he likes his pizza extra cheesy, or that one time we stole chocolate.

such is the battle between sense and soul. as the question “What do I do?” impatiently takes its toll. falling deeper and deeper into this dark dark abyss I have almost resigned myself to the emptiness of it…

I was a white canvas eager to be dyed hoping to be a muse for the world - my painter

but the colors drowned me and stained me with pride and I succumbed, thinking of their supposed beauty - feigner

my plane became littered with graffiti of greens and pinks and neon yellows - vibrance

I began to desperately swim against the sea but tide after tide I was submerged again - tyrants

my pleas for help are ignored by others because it was I who invited every smear and every taint then again, I would rather burn in fluorescent colors than live with the pretense that is white paint

how magnificent it is to live to wake up and make morning coffee to wake up and twirl in the afternoon breeze to wake up and remain in bed until nighttime and be able to dance and sing and give

how odd it is to love to have someone’s shoulder to lean on while boarding the train to have someone’s hand to hold while crossing the street to have someone’s voice on speaker while driving to work and for you to be the only person I think of

how wondrous it is to laugh especially when you crack your dad jokes especially when you curse after tripping over air especially when you have food stuck in your teeth making me bellow so loud my stomach could split in half

how magical it is to feel as your fingers trace my ribs as your hands cradle my face as your eyes stare deeply into mine and I wonder if this is real

thank you for making my life extraordinary and for taking the chance on an ordinary.

i love you.