Kelly Deadly

Yours is the apology I’ll never receive

You’ll never see the damage you did and even if you would see it, you’d be proud. You’d feel like you were right to punish me for misbehaving, for feeling the wrong things, for thinking thoughts I shouldn’t have, for having my own opinion.

You punished me for being and breathing and living.

You never loved me; only when I was of use for you or when I obeyed your abitrary rules and was ‘good’ enough for you you’d respect me, treat me like a human being for once. But you’d make damn sure to make me feel that I was on very thin ice - one mistake, one small step, breathing in too much air and it would break, you’d let me drown in bitter cold water again.

I was destroying myself to try to please you, I was the puppet, you were my master. But it never ever stopped. I was never good enough to be truly respected and worst of all: I was never loved.

I was never loved for being curious and clever. Instead I was punished and hated for talking back, for asking questions ‘I had no right asking’

I was never loved and cared for when I felt angry or sad. Instead you’d abandon me and punish me because my feelings bothered you.

I was never loved for being happy about anything, instead you hated me for not directing those positive emotions towards you.

I was never listened to when I needed your advice or just an open ear. Instead you made me feel unwanted and like a burden.

You mocked me and belittled me and treated me like shit. But still you expect me to respect and go or you?!

Fuck you.

Fuck you and your apology I’ll never get.

I don’t need you anymore. I needed you back then, but I’ve grown up without love and now I don’t feel anything but disgust and hate for you.

You aren’t even worthy the time I took to explain myself to you.

So fuck you and your apology. I’ll apologise to myself, I’ll love and care for myself. I’ll be me and you. I’m so much more than you could ever be.