dizza

I hung out with the “M” girl the other night.

I went to a family friends bbq for dinner, my boyfriend came along. We all had a couple drinks. He left around 8:30, precisely when I stopped drinking. “M” didn’t get off work till 10 so I started chugging waters, playing off not drinking for the fact that I did have to work at 8:30 am the next day.

At 10:00 I walked from there to my Dads house where my car was parked. I convinced him and my boyfriend that I was sleeping there. I got in my car and drove 10 mins along the highway to a provincial park, where “M” works and sleeps.

I get there at 11:00, meeting her at the gate and we drive to the staffhouse where she stays, we’re alone. For the first few hours we just talked, knowing we both wanted to get closer, but still too nervous and unsure to make the first move.

Around 12:30 she says, “I wish I had my weed and bong,” and I say “I have a joint in my car.” We head out to light it up, I pull out my car keys when we’re done to lock it but she thinks I’m leaving. I say “no unless you’re tired and want to go to bed,” which she denies. We go back into the hangout room of the staffhouse which has a TV to watch.

We both slowly try to sit closer without being to obvious. She has a sleeve of tattoos on her arm and I begin looking it over. They’re all so beautiful, containing colours and blacks. It includes a horse/unicorn (not 100% but don’t think she’s the unicorn type), an image of her own dog, a wolf one orange in profile, and one multicoloured in portrait. Her arm is so smooth and soft due to the tattoos, I start literally petting her arm and she laughs saying she’s used to that cause everyone does it.

She comments on the length of my nails, saying that I might need to trim them up (cause ya know those mfs are sharpppp). I give her a few scratches on her arm and she’s says with her breath hitching “okayyy maybe not,” as she was enjoying the scratch (later on I think to myself I’ll trim one hand for the obvious and leave one hand long for scratching her;)

I ask if she’s ticklish and she denies but I find that her armpits are. She’s stronger than me and over powers me trying to tickle me, I’m ticklish basically everywhere. We end up basically cuddled on the couch somehow her face on my breast. I shift and she says “Awh I was comfy there.” We get close now and share our first kiss.

We make out for a bit, my body instinctivly moving because I’m so turned on. I start golfing and have to admit to her “I’ve never fucked a girl before,” thinking she has some experience, but she admits “neither have I” which honestly surprised me. She says she can’t just bang someone she needs to get to know them. This makes me feel better cause I’m still trying to learn how to turn a girl on good.

We take a break and watch some more tv; tosh.o , spoungbob, South Park to name a few. We talk about anything and everything. It was always so easy from the moment we started hanging out but even more now since we got our nerves out of the way. We have a few more make out sessions and she’s such a turn on.

Kissing, neck kisses, chest kisses but not tooless whatsoever. She’s grabbing my ass, rubbing my thighs, getting confident to touch me there. Our last makeout was intense and fun. We were getting wayyy turned on, swearing cause we want more but we know it’s not going there tonight. Pushing eachother back and forth with our kisses, kind of fighting for dominance, both wanting to dominate but both really enjoy being dominated. I on top of her, she on top of me.

I say I need to leave at 2 or 3 am so I can get enough sleep to go to work tomorrow. Hours keep going by; 4am, 5am. I debate sleeping but sleeping for 2-3 hours would only make me more tired at this point. She basically convinced me to pull an all nighter, so I stayed there making out with her until 8am. I drove home and got changed into work scrubs, praying my boyfriend would be sleeping. He was awoken by the dog so he saw me come in but luckily didn’t ask where I had been staying lastnight.

I went to work at 8:30 and thought I was going to pass out while in the oporatory by 9:15, kind of honestly fallin asleep; eyes drooping, sight going a bit foggy, having to really think about my words and noticing my own movements are delayed.

I make it through the 5 hour shift until my relief comes in. I have so much to do, pack for a trip, visit a friend who just had a baby, and visit a friend who just moved into a new house. By 4:30 my body shut down and I just completely passed out. My boyfriend tried to wake me up to pack but I just wouldn’t get up, my body had been awake for 34 hours and just shut down.

It’s crazy how amazing being with her made me feel, and I wish my boyfriend could accept my bisexuality and let me have the best of both worlds; what I need to feel complete honestly.

—

We were talking about my work and she says she thought the dentist was gay or bi. I say she has a boyfriend. I say it’s funny you thought that cause I have a bit of a crush on her. And she agrees sayings “she’s really cute ain’t she, got that Asian spice” (I’m like wow this girl knows what’s up). I say she’s really funny and smart and she mentions that intelligent women are more difficult to catch.

Also “M” said she could totally tell that I was into girls. I “show up wearing hats, bucket hats, pics of me at school” (she totally creeped my page haha). I’m like damn I’m that obvious really.

We talked about pride parades said we should go together as a bit of a joke but kind of serious. She wants to get drunk and make out with hot girls. I would feel so amazingly free there.

We talked about my mom saying she thinks one of her kids were gay but wouldn’t tell us who she thought it was because we need to figure it out ourselves. Hi mah it’s me!

As a teenybopper I remember fantasizing about boys and coming up with senarios in my head. One day it was randomly a girl in my thoughts.

In summer 2015 I kissed a girl “A” (my bestfriend at the time) idk why part of me just really wanted to and she kissed me back, a boy saw (an ex it’s a small town) and was SHOCKED but we played it off. Later the “A” and I are home alone and I totally kissed her, pushed her up against the wall and everything. She was my first make out too. Throughout the summer we would have sleepovers and make out and it got as far as being shirtless and grinding (and I came wtf??) The whole time we would ask eachother if we’re straight or not and I was so like mind boggled that I was like “im straight, and we’re just friends who kiss” looking back now we were totally girlfriends that summer.

After that summer I was at a sleep over (in the city now) with my straight best friend “B” (100%) and another girl “S” and we were all friends. For some reason we started giving eachother hickeys and my straight bff “B” thought it was hilarious but I was like so into giving “S” hickeys that after I got sooooo nervous. We were all laying in her big bed together and my bff “B” fell asleep and I was so nervous that I kept shaking uncontrollably and she kept asking why. We were cuddling and so close and I can’t remember what I said but I think I told her I wanted to kiss her and we did and it’s was so amazing. Then weeks later we all had another sleep over and I was more confident this time and I kissed her and she kissed me back but out of no where “S” got up and was all nervous and I was sad that it ended but scared that she was not happy about something. After that she moved schools and I heard from my bff “B” that she felt really awkward about it all. Then she’d start posting about her “gf” (it was supposed to be platonic to the rest of the world) but as she posted pics or vids of them kissing I knew it was real for one of them at least.

In grade 11 a new girl came into the school, she was short and had the best but ever.. I couldn’t help but look. We ended up snapping and FaceTiming a few times and she wanted me to sleep over and she talked about us doing shit. She had a boyfriend at the time and he said he was ok with her experimenting. I was so excited to go over, and she started snapping me her in the bath and then her tits but she started snapping me just her vagina and I was not ready for that. The sleepover never happened :/. Yearssss later I’m in the city at the club and she’s there. I dance with her can call her hot and she says something like it’s been a while. We part ways.

I had a few boyfriends / flings in between then and finally made out with some boys and it was all really amazing too! The next summer I didn’t want to go back to the small town cause I had met this guy “D”! But I went back anyways.

I got a boyfriend in this town in summer 2016 and we told eachother we loved one another a few weeks into dating. During this summer I had a little fling with a girl “J” who at the same time was dating my ex-crush of 3 years who his letter is “V”. We tried kissing in front of both our boys they were just like wtf ok.

My boyfriend and I went long distance for a year while I went back to the city for school. During this time I went to a party with a bunch of people from my grade and idk why but I started talking to this girl “H” and straight up asked her (while drunk) if she ever thought about being with girls and she admitted yes and I kissed her. People saw and she got awkward about it. Another friend who saw got awkward around me after too. Another friend knew I’ve kissed other girls and I told her I was thinking about this party girl “H” and she told me that “H” felt weird about it after it happened. I let it go. During this time I also kissed a boy “J” at a party. And more girls at a different party (including my straight best friend “B” while she was drunk. I convinced her to kiss me I just wanted to see how she kissed lol). When prom came boy “J” had a girlfriend and we saw eachother at prom with our dates (“J” knew at the time that I had a boyfriend when I kissed him at the party) he just said hey Sam and looked at me with side eye but flirtation??? I said hey back .. my boyfriend knew that was the guy.

Fast forward a year and I moved in with my boyfriend in the small town. We were completely in love until we moved in together. Things get hard when you graduate high school and move 15 hours away with your boyfriend the day after. I cheated on him with a man “K” a year later and again 6 months after that, with “D” from years after he and I were a thing.

During the second time I was back in the city at the club dancing with the cheat “D” and my bffs sister “K” (guy “D” had a huge crush on girl “K” for the longest time). I’m between them both, my front grinding this girls ass and my ass grinding on this guy. This is the moment I felt true complete bliss and I knew then in that exact moment that I was bisexual. I then admitted it to my bestfriend “B” days later, the first person I told out loud and she said “I’ve known that since girl “S” in grade 10” (at this point we’re on our second year out of high school) Guess I must be obvious.

This guy “D” though he accepted my bisexuality in the moment and made me feel empowered and turned on by it. He was turned on by it. It just felt so good to be with someone so open. Actually I had another boy “C” who felt the same and it felt so good to me for them to enjoy me just being bisexual me. (Funny story this boy “C” dated the girl I had kissed in the sleepovers “S” and so I told him about how we kissed the same girl and he was so horny over it ahhh!)

Bring us to one month ago and (6months after that last cheat with “D”) and I go to another party in the small town now. I’m fucking plastered but I somehow scavenge out the lesbian from the pack of girls who is “M” 😍. We start talking and I guess I’m totally attracted to her. I think I kissed her without her wanting it at first. I kissed her a lot that night. Everyone saw too. We walked home with everyone and I held her hand the whole way. We added eachother on snap.

I told my boyfriend long ago that I’m bisexual and he told me I’m not. I tell him again and he says we could have a three sum. After kissing “M” I got weird cause he considers it cheating and I felt horrible for doing it again. I told him and my boyfriend said “I’m sorry but Im not into that. I know some guys are but I’m not” I told him my fantasy of having us be in a three way relationships with a girl. He could have two girls to fuck and I could have the best of Both worlds. He could get us both pregnant and our kids would be siblings. He was not intrigued by this idea at all.

“M” and I want to hang out but now I feel like I can’t hang out with her cause I know I won’t be able to control myself. She came into my work the other day for a dental appointment. She walks in wearing all black, her blonde hair shimmering in the light contrasting to the black. She has a big leather jacket and a helmet in hand, wearing big black boots. Her colourful tattoos showing on her arms making her look so tough but artistic. We get to chatting as I show her to her exam room. She forgot that I worked there and I commented on the fact that she rides a motorcycle. A Honda 500 (can’t remember the model) - I tell her I’ve always wanted to ride but my parents never let me. I’m leaning on the counter trying to look chill and cool. She said riding a bike is the gayest thing to do (I thought she meant like “gay insult” but she meant “gay homosexual”). I bet the whole office could hear the flirtation and I only hope that they think it’s just banter. She’s getting ready to leave now so I pretend to busy myself with paper work at the front so I can watch her leave. As she’s leaving I walk to the back and turn over my sholder, us making eye contact and waving to eachother. I watch her ride her motorcycle with one hand after saying she just started riding and is getting used to it. She looked like a dream.

I snap her the next day asking how the work day is since I of course work days and she works nights. She replys with something calling me cutie and sending heart eye emojis. We flirt a bit more and she says she wants to hangout soon since she’s leaving for college again. I leave for vacation so I tell her aug 25th and 26th I’m back and can hang out. She said she leaves the 27th but can chill the 26th. I ask her what she wants to do (idk if she knows I have a boyfriend but I have to tell her). She says “I don’t think we’ll be bored😉”

Now I’m day dreaming about her and I have a boyfriend. I don’t know what I should do but I now know that the term “once a cheater always a cheater” is true. I know my desires will win. But can you really blame a Gemini; we are so torn between being two people and leading two different lives that we are greedy and take as much as we can of everything.

I also have a crush on my boss, a smart, intelligent, artistic and wholesome girl dentist, who is also a Gemini and born a decade and two days before me. This life is a struggle.

—

I’ve been thinking lately of talking to a therapist. My life is fucked up. I’m so torn between where I am and where I want to be. I don’t even know where I want to be .. I thought right where I am was it but I’m not so sure. I want to leave this town and go back to the city and go to school but I’m living the life I wanted here. I just don’t want this settled down family life just yet. I’m dental assisting without having gone to school for it so I feel like I can’t be proud of what I do. I’m a dance instructor with someone I can’t even handle anymore because of their greed and want to have my own control over it. I’m torn between wanting to be in a relationship and wanting to be single. Between wanting to be with a boy and with a girl. I miss my family but I moved here to get away from that toxic household (not toxic when not living with the parents). I have not been officially diagnose but I know I have OCD and trichotilomania (a disorder causing you to involuntary pull out your body hair). I only pulled my eyelashes but when I tried to stop I just started picking my skin and now I have the worst acne and scaring. I need help. My house is either spotless or a complete disaster. also I’m in the closet for most of everything and I’m nervous to what my family and coworkers will think/feel. Everyone else idgaf but when you’re so close and personal and you come out it shocks people and then the women don’t want to get to close to you in fear that you’re attracted to them. And the parents would be ok with it but they’d just be shocked.

I’m gunna ask the girl to hang out tonight and we’ll probably make out. Hopefully we fuck.