Sometimes I Give Myself the Creeps

Track 1: Hell is for Children- The Relentless (child abuse tw)

Kellen was physically and emotionally abused by his father for the first 16 years of his life. While his mother and siblings also faced Kevin Clark’s wrath, Kellen was the most frequent target. In his father’s eyes, he could never do anything right, and he needed to be punished for it. On top of it, he was also trying to protect his younger brother from facing the same abuse. He was told from a young age that “What happens in this house stays in this house” so he stayed quiet, living in his own personal hell until he was kicked out at age 16. 

Track 2: Problem Child- AC/DC

Ever since he was young, Kellen was considered a “problem child.” He had a hot temper, and caused a lot of trouble in school. He was a class clown and showed no respect for authority figures. Teachers hated him, while his classmates had mixed reviews. His teachers all thought he was just an unruly kid, and never considered that he might be lashing out as a means of coping with his unstable home life. 

Track 3: Rebels- Call Me Karizma

As Kellen grew older, he only became more rebellious. Once he reached high school, he started hanging out with older kids who had no regard for safety or the law. Many of them also came from unstable homes, so he felt fully seen and heard by them. He felt on top of the world when he was raising hell with his friends. Little did he know that it would all come back to bite him in the ass when he was older. 

Track 4: Heroin- The Velvet Underground & Nico (drug use/addiction tw)

Kellen was a sophomore in high school when he tried heroin for the first time. He was addicted from the start, and kept taking more and more hits. He thought that he could fill the void in his heart by getting high and forgetting the world around him. He knew that it wasn’t good for him, but he didn’t seek help. He just kept killing his body more and more while trying to soothe his soul. 

Track 5: The Perfect Drug- Nine Inch Nails (drug use/addiction tw)

Heroin became Kellen’s “perfect” way to cope. He didn’t care how it was affecting his mind or his relationship with others. It made him feel better when nothing else could. Additionally, around the same time, he entered into his first relationship with a girl named Cassie Greene. Being with Cassie, both physically and emotionally, also became addictive for him. Without his vices, Kellen’s world would fall apart. 

Track 6: Father and Daughter- Paul Simon

On April 3, 2010, Cassie gave birth to a daughter, Kelsie Rose Clark. Kellen and Cassie were juniors in high school at the time, but decided to keep the baby girl and raise her together. Despite being young, Kellen loved being a father. He vowed to never be like his father, and to give his child all of the love in the world. He knew as well as anyone that growing up was hard, but he was going to be there to help his daughter at every turn. 

Track 7: Only One- Kanye West & Paul McCartney (incarceration tw)

Kellen’s relationship with Cassie was never a stable one. The two were on-and-off for three years until Kellen was sentenced to six months in jail and Cassie ended things once and for all. At the end of it all, he still had Kelsie. He constantly gives her affirming messages, things that he wished someone had told him as a child. He tells her that she was loved no matter what mistakes she made and that she would grow up to be something special.

Track 8: Don’t Look At Me- POORSTACY (drug use/addiction tw)

Kellen spent his early 20′s in and out of sobriety. As much as he wanted to get clean for his daughter, he couldn’t handle the overwhelming dread that filled him up when he was sober. Withdrawing from heroin made Kellen incredibly antsy and paranoid. He didn’t want to be left alone, but at the same time, he hated people seeing him how he was. This song is an expression of Kellen’s fragile mental state during his periods of sobriety. 

Track 9: Delete Forever- Grimes (death tw, overdose tw)

Kellen’s high school best friend, Sidney, was also addicted to heroin. In July 2018, Sidney died from an overdose. This is when Kellen realized how dire the consequences of his actions were. He had been trying to escape the pain of his upbringing for so long that he pushed the risks of drug use to the back of his mind up until this moment. Sidney’s death was what made Kellen decide to give up heroin for good. Not only had it taken his best friend away from him, but it also had the potential to leave Kelsie without a father, a fate he didn’t want to see actualized. 

Track 10: don’t worry, you will- lovelytheband

Kellen met Gracie Rothschild shortly after the loss of his best friend. Despite the fact that the couldn’t be more different from one another, the two ended up dating after six months of getting to know each other. The relationship couldn’t have been more perfect in the beginning. For the first time ever, Kellen had some stability in his life. This song reflects Kellen’s fears that Gracie would one day find something she didn’t like about him-- whether it be his criminal record or his past drug use-- and break up with him because of it. Eventually, this proved to be true, but not for the reasons he thought. 

Track 11: Daphne Blue- The Band CAMINO

In the end, Kellen’s past caught up with him and Gracie broke up with him after a year and a half of dating. The fact that he hid the truth from her is what put the nail in the coffin for their relationship. Going about his daily life became difficult after the breakup, as he was constantly reminded of Gracie and how he messed up. He hated how much he was constantly reminded of her, and running into her in public only made it worse. He didn’t want to be strangers, he didn’t want to be friends. He wanted-- and still wants-- to be her lover. 

Track 12: Someone Saved My Life Tonight- Elton John (overdose tw)

After a six-month period of binge-drinking and smoking, Kellen did what he vowed to never do again: he relapsed on heroin. He purchased the drug from his former dealer after running into him at a bar during a moment of weakness. After two and a half years of not taking the drug, his tolerance wasn’t what it used to be, which resulted in him taking too much and overdosing. In a stroke of luck, his roommate, Vito, came home from a date with his girlfriend and was able to call 911 just in time to save him. After Vito literally saved his life, Kellen realized that if he was ever going to fully heal and live a normal life, he needed to further preserve his life by going to rehab and starting therapy. 

Track 13: Not Warriors- Waterparks

After getting out of rehab, Kellen and Gracie started on the path towards repairing their relationship. The process has been a rollercoaster, but the one thing he knows for certain is that he’s still in love with her. As a sober man, his feelings for her only feel stronger. For now, all he can do is show her that he cares and that he wants to make things work. 

Track 14: love song- YUNGBLUD

Kellen’s perception of love was warped by the abuse he faced as a child. All he knew of love as a child was that it hurt, physically and emotionally. As he grew older, he found love through his friends, his daughter, and his exes. However, Kellen never learned how to love himself. He tries his best to show affection towards his loved ones, but without loving and caring for himself, he can never really give them 100%. He’s trying to love himself and grow from his mistakes, but he still has a long way to go. 

Track 15: Blame- Jesse (drug use/addiction tw)

“Three, two, one, aaaaand action!” Vito announced, turning on the video camera provided by the city. “Kellen! Kellen! Kell, it’s time to get up!”

Kellen groaned as he was shaken awake by his roommate half an hour before his alarm was set to go off. “Leave me alone.”

“I can’t! We’re filming today! A day in the life of Kellen Clark! The people want to know!”

He rubbed his eyes as he sat up. “Do we have to? Can’t I film you instead?”

“Nah, we did the coin toss fair and square. I was heads, you were tails. It landed on tails, so now I’m filming you,” Vito answered, grinning as Kellen finally got out fo bed. “The elusive Kellen Clark gets out of bed and heads towards the bathroom to take his morning poop.” 

“Vito, do not film me in the fucking bathroom!” He slammed the door behind him, taking an extra long time just to be inconvenient. He really didn’t want to be doing this, and was annoyed by Vito’s National Geographic approach to the video, but that free rent reward was extremely appealing. 

“The elusive Kellen Clark has finished his morning poop and must now get dressed for work,” Vito spoke into the camera before turning it back off and backing out of the room where his roommate was standing only in his underwear and a pair of socks. 

Kellen put on his signature black jeans and band tee combo and combed his hair before emerging in the living room. He then walked over to the kitchen where he made himself a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios and a cup of coffee, and sat down to enjoy his breakfast. 

“The elusive Kellen Clark eats his Cheerios just like you and I. Remember folks, they’re heart healthy. He doesn’t eat cereal every morning, but most mornings he does. He slowly sips his black coffee so he can energize for the day ahead of him. Kellen, would you mind telling the folks watching at home what your plan is for the day?”

Kellen took a long sip of his coffee before answering, “Well, my trusty narrator/cameraman and I are going to my job at Catalyst Tattoo & Piercing.”

After breakfast was done, Kellen and Vito got into Kellen’s car, and they drove to Kellen’s job. Joe knew this was happening today and was totally fine with it. In fact, he thought it would be good publicity for the shop. During the drive, Kellen smoked a cigarette and cursed about traffic. He forgot that the camera was rolling, so he didn’t hold back, using insults such as “geriatric bastard,” “cocksucker,” “two-balled bitch,” and, his favorite, “Oompa Loompa,” referring to a woman with a horrible spray tan. 

As Kellen and Vito entered the tattoo parlor, they were greeted by a man in his 40′s who was covered head-to-toe in tattoos, including a few on his face. “Mornin’, Kell. Mornin’, Vito,” the man stated.

“Joe! You gotta pretend I’m not here!” Vito whined. 

“Right, sorry.” Joe nervously scratched the back of his head. 

Kellen turned to the camera, explaining, “This is Catalyst! That’s my boss, Joe. He opened this place up in 2010 and he’s been running the show ever since. Let’s get this show on the road!” 

Kellen’s shift at work was seven hours long. During that time, Vito filmed his interactions with clients and the process of clients getting tattooed. Vito tried to only focus on Kellen and his clients, but other tattoo artists and clients got in some of the shots. He turned the camera off when Kellen went out for a smoke break or took a bathroom break. Vito also had to turn the camera off and charge it during Kellen’s lunch break, as the battery was drained. 

Once Kellen’s work day was over, he and Vito returned to the car. Instead of driving towards their apartment, however, Kellen started driving down Lincoln Blvd. “Now, dear viewers, I’m going to take us to In-N-Out Burger, ‘cause I’m fucking hungry,” Kellen announced. There were plenty of places in Santa Monica he could’ve gone to, but he had a specific craving. 

“You heard it here first. The elusive Kellen Clark has decided that we’re having In-N-Out Burger for dinner! There aren’t any in Santa Monica, so we have to travel to the distant land of Marina Del Rey!” In reality, Marina Del Rey was only a 15 minute drive. It was rush hour though, so it took much longer than that. Vito turned the camera off half-way through the drive, turning it back on once they had secured the food. “The camera battery is dying, but we’re here to tell you that the burgers have been secured! The next time you see us, we will be back in the apartment.” 

Once they were finished with their car picnic, Kellen drove back to their apartment in Downtown Santa Monica. With the camera plugged in to charge and an extension chord in tow, Vito filmed Kellen watching reruns of Jeopardy on Netflix and practicing his guitar. He performed several songs for the camera, including “Island In The Sun” by Weezer, “Circles” by Post Malone, “Worst” by Waterparks, and two of his originals, “I Think We Should Stay in Love” and “Bloom Later.”