Pamphlet

It's from him. Obviously. It's not even a lie. Break a leg my dear. I'm gonna stop posting period. Discipline myself and what not. The least I could do. Love ya like the sea loves to be filled with water...and fish...big fish... Buh dum tsss...

She said that she was Hezekiah. She says she's turning her face toward the wall...waiting...hoping...praying that with her tears, God will grant her another fifteen years. She said "Whether I do or don't, YOU still have to be ready while still keeping your faith...but you don't always get what you want." I don't always get what I want. I can't always get what I want. You're gonna have to explain that to your sisters.

Number ten: but despite you and all you, and nothing but you…Big Fish looks like an amazing piece of art that I don’t want to watch via DVD if I don’t have to.

For gettin my shit together for me. For sayin that out loud. Cuz I can't even fight that. Good points made. How dare I.

find my middle finger on Saturday...

Stop cheating.

Great idea

I had a dream this morning that my mom wanted to understand me. That she finally wanted to dissect piece by piece, everything that I was feeling about everything that has happened these last four years. She wanted to know everything a lot more intensely, so that she could really see things from my perspective, convincing me that she would absolutely understand this time because she had had similar experiences. She started asking me legitimate questions, questions that matched up with reality, so that's why I thought it was real, and that's why I genuinely felt a weight lifted off of my soul, but in this dream...whatever element that controlled the dream made it understood that she was only finally trying to relieve me of all of this, reevaluating my actions, and giving them more of a purpose, as a way of refreshing my primary disposition on this whole situation, as it was a last gift from her, before she left...to be somewhere better. Presently within the dream, I was thinking that even though I was loosing someone, that at least she was finally giving m me an advance, an approval, support, and encouragement, that I had been, and was still doing, and would continue to do the right thing, without fault, considering the complex situation, because she understood that the heart is the most important thing to keep alive, and whatever it wants, it should have...because it needs to keep beating. That even though I was loosing someone, that she was almost kind of paving a personal path for me to feel like it was absolutely fine and right to "get you back" "to claim you" "to have you" "to fight for you" ... because you are alive, and breathing, and the closest thing to something...someone...that could hold me in my place. All of that was felt just after one question. A question that marked the beginning of it all...the downfall...and the dream ended. And another dream happened...along with another...so when I woke up, I had a feeling of relief, but I didn't know where it came from...because being aware of the dreams I have when sleeping occurs much later in the day... So hours later...while watching Netflix...it hit me...it finally dawned on me...that this sense of relief and renewal was basically just a figment feeling of a dream. But feelings are still real tho...right? Despite whether or not the source is a dream...or reality...?

The fact that tumblr actually let me post a 2 min video blows my mind. And come to think of it, I really didn't have to post this. ( Pt. 1 )

She said, "I have to be obedient. Can I pray over you?" No pills. She reassured her faith.

Yesterday, she had her first anxiety attack. Like...I've never seen and felt a person's body vibrate at such a high velocity. She's anxious and nervous, and riled up because she doesn't understand what is happening and why. Being in the hospital in general causes anxiety. This isn't good because that means every nerve in her body is on edge, and that could mess up everything else...like...a domino effect. Yesterday, I was able to calm her down. Tonight, they suggested anxiety pills. First she was absolutely against it. Because our family has gotten through enough without that kind of medication. Our medication was / is God. But then suddenly, after they explained how it could still help, she flipped the switch. She said she agreed, and that she was all for it, and that she understood. I don't know if that was a sign of her giving up, like...the idea that relying on God wasn't gonna be enough. I don't know exactly what she's thinking. The whole idea is that her anxiety will go away if she's home, but her nervous body is causing her to be hospitalized, yet the pills could help her unnerve so that she can go home. I just don't want the medication to mess up something else in her body chemically. We're already at a point where the issue is getting her body systems balanced, and adding something like anxiety medication could totally screw that up and cause further imbalances So is it worth taking them, having the chance to go home, even though something else could happen as far as a side effect is concerned, from the medication? Or would it be worth it not to take them, in hopes that her faith is still strong enough to rely on God to completely take over? And here's the thing, that's up to her. I can't determine where her faith is at. I don't even know if my prayer towards her can even influence her to make whatever the right choice is... And that's the thing as well...maybe it could. But I need help. And my dad's not here. And she's trying to sleep. I just need prayer. Everyone who said they were praying, I felt like it's been all working, because even tho things have gone downhill, things have also gone uphill, so thank you, again for anything and everything. I'm just really tired.

I promised that I'd always stop by the skateboard section ANY time I walked into Walmart. That that section would always be visited in my arrival at Walmart. And that one day it'd be nice to...just so happen to be in the same spot...and that if I had to give you something, I'd leave it somewhere over there, in a way for only you to find...