All over again.

And it’s the single most scariest feeling in the world being so alone again and I’m struggling to keep it together and I just...want one person to say they’ve got me? like i’ve had all my friends but none of them wanna look my way when suddenly I’m the one who needs help?

And i don’t wanna bother some of my friends...I don’t wanna scare them away. So all i can do is cry quietly and try not to do anything other than accept this and it hurts.

and i want to die

Why can’t I just be fucking happy? 

If I see the morning, I’ll be back and if I don’t, please jesus christ-

GUYS I DIDN’T EVEN POST ANYTHING THIS MORNING WHAT AM I DOING? I should probably limit my posts to one ( at the least) a day. Now, onward to what we’re really onto. Progress!

I’ve decided to up the challenge of loosing weight I’m going to put a cap on the calories, which means yup, I gotta really pay attention to what I eat. Today I tried to lay off how much i had. I had a small breakfast of cereal. And I stuck to water all day which is a freaking plus. Yeah! Go me! I had Chinese for dinner, mostly cause I’ve been all over the damn place today that I didn’t have time to do much cooking. 

All in all I’d give myself a solid 7 points for today. It rained on me, which meant no going to the park for a walk but perhaps tomorrow will be much better. 

Now, updates on living situation (cause yes I have one damnit) 

i found A PLACE I WANT. Oh good golly gosh batman! There’s this place in Columbia, a beautiful apartment complex that seems to be in the price range that both I and my son’s father can afford. Awe yis. So I plan on taking alot of steps to see if we can really get into that place ^_^ Though we legit have nothing, we’d be moving in with like, a buttload of clothes and a few other tiny things but hey it’s a start! 

Next: Youtube.

Guys. GUYS. I’m almost there and yet so far away!!! I thought I had my ‘youtube’ identity figured out but after a few inspirational Markiplier videos, I found out that I was SO WRONG. But now I know what it is. I know it so good that i even changed my URL. 

Which means a quick theme change! 

Next, I’m gonna start plotting out alot of videos, alot of free game play (i AM NOT A GAMER so be warned, I’m awful) and hopefully give myself a place where i can be myself and productive. 

I am a goofball.

I’m a little late with this blog post but I’m about to drift off into sleep land. Today was not the best starting day but I think I can give myself a B - for effort. Today I tried to strip myself of bread to at least once today. I drank mostly water up until my lunch but i slipped up and ordered tea at dinner. I ate heavy today there really isn’t a reason I should lie about that -_- and i didn’t get to go on my walk like I had planned HOWEVER I am not discouraged. In the morning I’ll post my starting weight (gotta get past that fear jfc) and we’ll go from there. To any of my big girls out there who want to embark on this journey with me? Be my guest and share your stories with me about your day! 

P.S. It’s 1am and I haven’t finished my blog lay out i AM SO SORRY

I didn’t make a layout for my plan for the next month. I got 50 videos I need to make and edit before my youtube channel becomes public (simply because I need starting content) and boy is this gonna be crazy. I’m mostly doing so because I want to be consistent but someone asked me today “How? What about subscribers and their requests” and my answer is, those videos, when i get them, will be done as well. My 50 videos are my back up videos as I work toward what my subscribers would want. Now, this gives me a chance to build up back up work in case I miss a few days of recording (or in YouTuber terms: take a day off) 

I also work 12 hours and I still need to figure out a recording space that would work for me as well as look into buying a camera that’s an upgrade from my webcam. 

Today I did some research on Markiplier and Cyndago. So yes, I’ve come to that point where Mark needs to grieve and at this point, i had to stop watching the video he posted. It hurt. To fall into that sort of sadness when a friend does that and you felt like you should’ve been there. You should’ve known. You could’ve done better. I’m glad Mark’s happy again. I hope he stays happy too he deserves it (oh look my obsession is GETTING WORSE) but I focused more on the guy you passed. Daniel. May his soul rest in peace. I saw where Cyndago was originally based in South Carolina.

My current home town and. I did more research and if I’m correct, Daniel was from Columbia. My son’s father lives there, I go there often, very often and I don’t know that made everything hit a little closer to home for me and I was sad over this person who I never met, who passed a way a while ago. 

I just felt sad. 

But I feel even more inspired to start this channel I’m working on. 

Anyways, I will see you guys on the flipside~

Day One: Morning

Today is day one. I decided the first step into getting back to my happiness with myself, I have to lose this weight. I’m not good with planned diets, I’m not good with all this cleansing water either and all that junk.

But the one time i lost weight it’s because I ate less and moved more so here’s to hoping it works for me again. I’ll write something details tonight, mostly of what I ate but I think cutting out bread and soda to see how well this works as well as a walk around the park this afternoon/tonight if it doesn’t rain <3 

Also progress update: the Youtube Channel I had been on and off of the whim to create is slowly coming to fruition. I’ve worked on the intro, working on an outro, and currently attempting to build up at least a  month or two worth of videos (don’t know how many i’ll do a week) before I actually start it up. Sorta a cross between reactions and gaming but I don’t play games sooooooooo

Here’s to hoping people just think I’m funny ;) 

Mark: *crashes into wall and breaks glasses*

Us: um Mark-

Mark: propels chica on a raft underwater in his pool*

Us: Mark this really isn't-

Mark: *shows us how lonely he is*

Us: