Random Crap

Trying to figure out how to thrive in life, after knowing only survival, feels completely and utterly impossible.

I’m 22 and if I’m being completely honest, I never ever thought I’d make it here.

My childhood and teenage years were really rough. My mom was emotionally and verbally abusive to me and my dad, resulting in their nuclear divorce when I was about 14. Almost immediately after, my mom and I had a huge and messy falling out that I blamed myself for really hard. My self esteem and mental health in general went really downhill after that, and for a long time, every single day was about surviving and nothing else.

Now, things are better. I graduated high school. I didn’t go away to college but I took an online certificate and landed myself a good job that I’m still at. The money’s good, the job is alright, I rent my own place and I manage my own finances well.

Since it’s been a couple years of me doing well at this job, my family has been asking me what’s next for me. And I never have a damn clue what to tell them.

I don’t have dreams. I don’t have goals. I don’t have a bucket list. I never did. Just staying alive was all that mattered for so long.

Do I want to travel? Where would I want to go? Hell if I know. Do I want to buy a home somewhere? Here? Where? Don’t know that either. Do I want to get a new job? What would I do? Should I go back to school? What would I take? No idea.

I just wished we talked about this enough. Living in pure survival mode for long enough forces you stop believing in a future. And then when it does come, you feel so lost and behind and alone.

Branch’s bunker, right? It’s underground, obviously, and I think we can all agree that he’s the kind of person to give it waaaay too many emergency exits.