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I donât know, I hope not but nowadays everything is so my guess will be probablyâŠ
I was scrolling on Pinterest and thought the pic was perfect because I didnât want to post my face here but I still wanted an avatar that looked a bit like me so thereâs that đ€·đŸââïž
The familiar street came into view, crowded as usual. The walk took you twice as long as it normally would. Considering how youâd been dragging your feet, the fact it hadnât taken even longer was a miracle.
You woke up at the crack of dawn this morning, thanking the heavens for Goyaâs dictator ways. If you hadnât been so exhausted, Donghaâs invitation wouldâve robbed you of sleep. All day, your belly had clenched, concentration crashed with visions of tonightâs hangout.
At first, sweet fantasies played out.
The usual crowd. Teasing. Drinks. Fits of laughter.
But as the countdown grew smaller and smaller, the scenarios grew gloomier.
You wiped sweaty palms on your skirt, checking to make sure you didnât leave a wet spot on the light denim.
Come on. Get it together. Itâs just a hangout.
A deep breath later, you stood at the entrance.
You spotted them instantly.
Seongje sat, hands in his pocket. He was actually the first one you saw, his signature lazy confidence sticking to him, stronger than ever.
Next to him, Seongmok seemed surprisingly⊠relaxed. He toyed with the rim of a plastic cup, fingers thrumming rhythmically.
Dongha was practically lying, slumped in his seat. The spot next to him was empty, probably freed awaiting your arrival.
The three of them around that table, the stale air filling your lungs. It instantly brought you back to the countless memoriesâgood and badâyouâd made in this place.
Seongje saw you and his whole face lit-up. You felt his mischievous expression reflect in your own as you approached the table.
« Pinch me. Iâm seeing ghosts now. »
« Nice to see you too, Seongje. »
His eyebrows jumped. « Oh, wow. Surprised you even recognize me after all these months. »
« I mean, who else would dare walk around dressed like a damn traffic cone ? »
Dongha laughed out loud and Seongje flipped him off.
« Harsh. » A wolfish smile stretched on his face, all teeth. « And here I was, almost telling you I missed you and everything. My heart is broken. »
« Whatever. » You rolled your eyes. « You just missed having one more person to torture around here. »
He snorted, not denying the claim.
Suddenly, he sat up straight. He made a show of inspecting you, as if he expected something he couldnât see.
« What ? »
He held up a bewildered palm. « No pastries ? »
You shoved at his shoulder, mouth gaping. « What am I ? Your own personal bakery ? »
Lips pursed in a pout, he slumped right back down until he almost disappeared into the booth.
You chuckled at his antics, your earlier nerves now totally gone.
Maybe the guy did deserve a treat after all.
« Iâll make sure to have a little something for you next time. How about that ? »
His smug grin tugged a snigger out of you. « Because you missed me too, right ? »
Cue, another eye-roll.
You did miss him a little.
The tension that had ebbed thanks to Seongjeâs banter, came back full-force as your laughter faded.
Time to address the elephant in the room. Youâd wanted him here. Here he was.
Ready or notâŠ
Donât make it awkward.
You met his eyes.
« Hey. » He drawled the word, smooth.
You opened your mouth. Closed it. Opened it again.
Blank.
You snapped out of it when Seongje and Dongha both turned to you. The smile you gave was stiff. Tight.
Awkward.
Fuck.
With a quick wave, you sank into your seat next to Dongha, seeking safety. Without thinking, you bent forward, prepared to kiss him on the cheek. Halfway there, you remembered your audience. Slowing yourself was no use, it was too late to do anything about it. The result was a barely-there, clumsy peck on his cheek.
Dongha turned his face your way.
Before self-consciousness could settle, you zoned in on the bags under his eyes. The spots were so dark, the depth made them appear extra wet. Or perhaps they actually were full of moisture, making up for severe dehydration.
One hand cupped his face, thumb running over the thin skin. « Hey, you okay ? »
He chuckled then pointed in front of him.
« Seongmok just said I look like shit. Made me cry a little. »
A giggle escaped, at the image he painted. Eyes widening, you whirled around turning to Seongmok.
He shrugged. « He does. »
Amusement dripped in his dry tone.
Your laughter deepened, head threatening to tilt back.
Fortunately, you caught the motion just in time to stop it. Cut the laugh altogether. It was over as abruptly as itâd begun.
Dongha kissed your palm, pulling you back to the moment. He pulled it away from his face, holding onto it under the table. « Iâm good. Just tired. I barely slept. »
« Yeah. He was too busy fucking up our entire gaming teamâs score, playing like absolute shit instead. » Seongje threw a balled-up paper towel at Dongha.
You trailed the item as it ricocheted right on his head before landing on the booth right next to you.
Donghaâs voice rose, the back and forth passionate enough to have him lean over the table.
Out of sheer habit, your gaze found Seongmokâs almost instantly. The corners of your lips tipped upwards.
Fuck.
Looking away, you tugged them right back down in the opposite direction before they morphed into a full blown smile.
This would be a long night for sure.
As the evening progressed, the table alternated between full and half-empty as it always did.
A couple hours after you arrived, you were finally alone, head propped on the back of the booth. You scanned the area, making a mental inventory of everything.
People still jotted down the scores manually for half of the ongoing games. Most of the spotty screens from a few months ago were all the way turned off now.
Cheers of joy erupted every few minutes among the alleys to the side, moans of defeat mixed right along with them. The sound was practically the placeâs running soundtrack, along with the crash of the bowls knocking pins out in the distance.
You turned all the way around, following some guy getting dragged from the bar area all the way to the entrance and outside the venue by one of the guys.
You beamed.
The place was still the same. So much time had passed since youâd been here. You hadnât known what to expect. One day it was like a second home, the next you were rejected right at the gate.
A whole four months later, so much had happened. It seemed unreal for the place to still feel the same after all this time.
Almost the same.
A throat cleared to your side. Two hunched figures stood right next to your table. You blinked at them for a second. Then you actually recognized them as the last two faces youâd ever seen here, barring your entry into the building.
They threw wide-eyed looks at one another, an obvious silent debate occurring between them. The one on the left jabbed what felt like a painful elbow to the otherâs ribs. He bent forward before dropping down in the booth right in front of you. His friend followed.
You raised a brow, doing your best to keep your expression neutral.
Rubbing at his side, the first guy spoke up. « ____. Um, good to see you back hereâŠÂ »
You took a drink of water, concealing a smile. « Yeah ? Thought for sure you two would say otherwise. »
Mr. pointy arm pulled a face. « ____ ! Come on ! You know we just did what we were told right ? We had direct orders. If it was only us, weâd have you around every day. Who else would think to feed us in this hellhole ? »
« âAnd cake at that. »
He gestured to his friend, nod big enough to have his hair bobbing up and down. « Donât be mad at us. Please ? »
The whiny voices. The pouts.
It was too much.
You cracked up, waving their concerns away. « Okay, okay. » You rolled your eyes. « Iâm not even mad at you guys. I know you were just following orders. Youâre pardoned. »
« Oh shit, for real ? »
You nodded and they patted each other excitingly.
They froze when your face firmed. « Yeah. » Your voice was stern on the next bit. « If you promise never to whine like that again. »
They hurried away from the table and you barely held back your snicker until they were out of earshot, fleeing as if youâd change your mind if they stayed one second longer.
« Theyâve been debating how to apologize for the past forty minutes you know ? » You startled at the raspy voice. « That was nice of you to say. »
You turned back around to find Seongmok, seated like heâd been right there all along.
For such a big guy, he sure could be stealthy.
Prickles trickled up the back of your neck. Rubbing them away, you browsed the area until you found Dongha in the crowd. It took less than ten seconds. His focus was on your table as he distractedly let himself get dragged away into an ongoing game. He gave you a tiny smile before spinning back around to the people around him.
You sucked in a breath. Turned back to Seongmok. Your attention dropped to your drink almost immediately.
« Um, yeah. I meant it. Itâs notâŠÂ »
Your sentence trailed off.
« Itâs almost midterm season. Right ? »
You gave him a short nod, complete with another one of these barely credible tight smiles.
How did he even recall that ?
You swirled the content of your cup, watching as the liquid sloshed around in it.
« Hope youâre not missing too many meals this time around. »
Your fingers tightened around the cup.
Damn him.
You couldnât help it. Your gaze jumped up to his and you smiled warmly. « The girls helped a lot with that. Iâm all ready. Less stressed. »
« Good. I knew youâd meet the right people eventually. »
The prickles started up again and you scratched at your neck, pulling your shirt away from your clammy skin. The move blew some much needed air around you. Panic clawed when you realized you held the look for what felt like a minute too long.
You searched for Dongha again.
His focus was already on you. Oddly, you found no ire in his eyes.
« You going back home for the whole summer ? Or were you better at negotiating ? »
Your lids closed briefly.
Of course heâd remember.
« Won a whole month. Iâll leave after the first week of July and come back before mid-August... »
Silence.
« But ? »
You slid a glance his way. A reluctant smile touched your lips at his knowing grin. « My sisterâs coming back with me. Until the end of the month. »
He let out a short laugh and you rubbed your forehead, fighting your own mirth.
The moment hushed prematurely.
A knot formed in your throat when you noticed his fingers twitching on the table.
Hands hidden on your lap, you picked at your nails under the table. So many questions bumped around in your head. So many things you had missed.
How have you been ?
Whatâs that fading mark on your temple ?
Did your birthday go well ?
What did Seongje do to you for April fools this time around ?
Whatâs that scar on your chin ?
Seriously, what the hell happened to leave that big a bruise ?
One quick glance had sufficed for you to notice it. The guy was determined to deform that face of his. If he was so big, how did he always get hit so much more than everyone else ? You didnât understand before truly getting to know him. After that, the answer was quite obvious.
The damage was substantial. The contusion spread from his brow bone and disappeared all the way into his hairline.
What the fuck ?
Just as you started to articulate the words, Seongje dropped into the seat next to you.
« Hope Iâm not interrupting. »
His tone alone told you thatâs exactly what he was aiming for.
You peered at him pointedly. This was the second time he saved you tonight so youâd let the quipâand the smirkâslide.
« So. »
You squinted. « So. »
« Apparently you got yourself two pretty little acolytes ? »
A quick check told you Seongmok was equally as suspicious as you were.
« What do you want, Seongje ? And who the hell told you that ? »
He shrugged, thumb sliding over his phone. « You did. »
He showed you the screen, a month deep into your instagram page.
You smiled when you recognized the picture heâd pulled up. Your colorful, fluffy carpet served as a backdrop. The three of you were lying on it, head to head. Your face was the only one upright in the photo, staring straight at the camera. Goya lounged peacefully, almost looking asleep. Jeyi was smiling big, hands brought together in a heart motion.
Her skills with a makeup brush had made the three of you pretty enough that Goya didnât even bat an eye at you posting it on your socials.
Seongje flicked his chin, pointing to Jeyi. « I want that one. »
You puffed out a laugh. « Okay, first of all, sheâs not a candy bar. »
« She looks like one. »
Exasperated, you turned to Seongmok. « Seongmok-a. Please tell your friend itâs never happening. »
« Itâs never happening. »
« Thank you. »
You reached out to give Seongje his phone back when you noticed something. « Wait a minute. » You squinted at the username then scowled at him. « That was you ? »
He frowned. « Who else would it be ? »
You held up your hands. « Oh, I donât know, Seongje ! » You growled, counting out your reasons. « The username barely gives any hint that itâs you. The profile picture is some random anime girl with her tits halfway out her top. And youâve been leaving the same weird message in my inbox every time Iâve posted the girls on my story. Tongue emoji, drooling emoji. I thought it could be any⊠incel creep on the internet maybe ? »
It was his turn to scowl. « Incel ? Take it back ! »
He snatched his phone away and you crossed your arms.
You blatantly spied over his shoulder as he typed a comment in response to your post.
đ đ€€
« Seongje, donâtâ »
He posted the comment.
He was on his feet before you could shove him off.
« Bring your friends over some time. Iâll handle the rest. »
« In your dreams. Iâm not letting you within six feet of them. Especially not âthat oneâ »
He bent towards you. « Why ? You think sheâd fall for my charm ? »
Your chuckle was irritated. « No. I know she would. Thatâs the issue. »
« Just a matter of time then. » He turned to leave, then pivoted at the last moment. « And Iâm no fucking incel. I love women. And apparently they love me too. »
He winked, smug, then left without a glance back.
« Unbelievable. This guyâŠÂ »
A memory interrupted your mumbling, and you cackled.
You mimicked him, voice dropping several octaves. « âThey love me too.â My ass. Seongmok, remember that one girl who slapped the shit outâ »
You stopped short.
Looked at him just long enough to see him blink faster when he noticed the shift. You focused on the ashtray in front of you, counting out the cigarette butts discarded in it. You wondered exactly how many of them had Seongje actually smoked in two hours. The metal pit was overflowing.
Oh, thatâs right. Seongje.
You finished your thought, several notes shier than youâd started it. « âŠanyway⊠girls absolutely do not love him. No longer than a night at least. »
It was quiet after that.
Fuck.
Rhythmic clicking pulled you out of your reverie. You understood where the sound came from when you heard the flame igniting. Your head twisted to Seongmok tugging on a cigarette, the bright orange butt glaring at you.
A twinkle flashed from the zippo straight into your eye.
You acted on pure instinct.
Reached out and took it, admiring it under the faint overhead light, voice full of wonder as you marveled. « Itâs pristine. »
Silence greeted you.
A spike of awareness tingled from the pit of your stomach, all the way up to your scalp. Goosebumps spread onto your arms and you straightened.
At last, you faced him, head-on.
The intensity in his gaze was nothing new. What was new however, was how unyielding it was.
What the hell was he doing ?
Once upon a time, youâd always been the one chasing his gaze. Holding the stare long after heâd conceded.
Now⊠he simply watched.
Roamed around your face without restraint.
Curious.
Calm.
Fond.
âŠ
Your stomach dropped.
Oh.
You ripped away from his stare, scouring the spot for your lifeline. Unfortunately, right when you needed him most, Dongha was gone from his spot.
Your grasp tightened around the cold metal in your hands when you felt him settle next to you on the bench. The pressure slowly let up when his arm settled behind you on the boothâs backrest. You relaxed enough for it to register.
The lighter was still clutched in your grasp.
With a slight jump, you hurried and set it on the table, right in front of Seongmok.
« Um⊠It stillâit looks brand new. If I didnât see you light it up once or twice Iâd think you barely used it. »
Clearing your throat, you tried to recover with a laugh.
You failed miserably.
Donghaâs voice was the one to answer you. « Oh, trust me. Itâs been used. »
Your heart squeezed.
Was that a dig ?
He squeezed your thigh gently and your nerves eased some.
Maybe not.
Dongha had no issues. He sat, laid-back. Demeanor truly casual. A quick glimpse at Seongmok showed he shared your boyfriendâs ease.
They were okay.
You were not.
You pulled on Donghaâs arm. « Come on, letâs go play. »
Dongha frowned. « You donât like bowling. Because you suck at it. »
You blinked.
Was he deliberately ruining your exit plan ?
He gave an easy smile. « Your words. »
More of the tension released. Still, you were way too off. If it went on any longer, one of you would end the night hurt.
« I donât hate it though. And youâre even worse than I am. What a couple we both make. »
He paused for a short while.
Whatever he saw, it convinced him. He put you out of your misery. « Okay. Only the two of us. Itâll be faster that way. I need to get the hell out of here, get some sleep. »
You sighed, nodding frantically.
He slapped Seongmokâs shoulder as goodbye before tugging you out of the booth.
You gave a tiny wave and followed Dongha, not once turning back as he took you away from the table.
~~~
Your earrings clanged on the vanity. A deep growl had you rolling your eyes. You looked up in the mirror, smiling at the sight behind you. Dongha sprawled out, head half-buried into your pillow.
« ARGHHHH. Need [âŠ] threw. How [âŠ] so nice. Fuck. »
You frowned, trying to decipher what he couldâve said.
« Sorry. I think my antennaeâs broken, babe. What was that ? »
He forced out an even deeper growl. He flopped onto his backâor rather attempted toâand you turned to face him.
« Need to go wash. Your bed smells too good. »
« Itâs okay. Donât bother. » You walked over until your knees touched. « Just sleep. I can change the sheets tomorrow. »
He groaned. « Nah. I can wash. Five minutes. » He held up his hands. « Help me up ? »
Giggling, you pulled him up straight.
« You big baby. »
He let you work on removing his sweatshirt, arms lifting when you reached his shoulders. You worked his t-shirt over his head, the light material slowly revealing his dramatic pout and closed eyes. The laugh you let out was downright mocking.
His scowl had you all the way cackling.
« Hey. Donât mock me, I havenât slept. Iâm sensitive right now. »
« Sorry, sorry. Go ahead and go wash. Quick. »
Lids half-closed, he ambled towards the bathroom.
The door stayed open a fraction.
He ran a hand through his hair, then stuck a bright green stick into his mouth. You squinted. His toothbrush. The muscle in his arm jumped as he scrubbed away at his mouth. He bent into the sink, the golden skin stretching taut over the planes of his back.
He hooked his thumbs into the hem of his bottoms.
Your mouth dried.
He jerked them down. His underwear slid off right along with the pants.
A loud thump emerged from the bathroom, followed by a loud curse. Turning away from him, you cleared your throat. « Donât die in there please ! »
Gaze landing on the mess of clothes on the floor, you blinked away the dryness in your eyes and got to work putting them away.
A few minutes later, he emerged, immediately faceplanting onto the bed while you folded the last of your clothes.
You turned off the lights then walked past him to the door.
His hand reached out and latched onto your wrist.
You yelped. « Fuck. Thought you were asleep already. »
Your other hand jumped to your hammering heart.
« Waiting for you. » The words were murmured right onto the pillow.
Your heart warmed and you slid your hand until it rested in his. « Okay, Iâll just do the dishes quickly and Iâll be right there. »
He grunted. « Iâll wait. »
« Yeah, right. Somehow I doubt that. »
In record time, the dishes were drying on the rack, your teeth brushed, and your face void of makeup. All lights finally turned off, you tiptoed to the bed doing your best to discreetly slip under the covers. He startled awake anyway, arm banding around your waist as soon as you joined him. His breathing steadied again a second later.
You admired his features under the faint moonlight.
Sleepy suited him. A lot.
The pad of your fingers skimmed from his temple over his face, then past his shoulder, tracing a path straight down the muscles In his ribs and stomach.
He squeezed your hip.
You didnât know how long heâd been looking at you, but his eyes were wide-open now. You closed the distance until your lips met his.
The kiss was slow, unhurried.
Your heart skipped a beat. You tugged his face closer. On impulse, your leg bent and settled over his hip.
His hand slid down before stopping high on your thigh, squeezing the flesh tightly.
Then without breaking the kiss, he pushed your bottom-half an inch away from his.
This made you pause.
You pulled away, blinking owlishly.
He pecked your lips, nose rubbing against yours leisurely. Eyes closed.
You frowned.
Was it retaliation ? For yesterday ?
You went to remove your leg from his hip and he clasped it, keeping it in place. His arm climbed up to your waist once again, settling there.
Your gaze roamed his tired face.
Relax, the guy can barely stand.
« You were happy to see him. »
No.
Yes.
Your mouth opened.
No words came out.
« Avoided his gaze so much⊠it was obvious. »
He started rubbing circles onto your waist.
« Obvious for me. » His eyes popped open. « And him. »
Both hands flew to your face.
He didnât move.
Didnât have to.
« You two should talk. »
You wrenched your hands away.
« âŠWhat ? »
He shrugged. « At some point. »
You couldnât help the blunt snort that left your mouth.
« Babe⊠you do know April fools not supposed to last all month long, right ? »
He yawned.
Just like that, his eyes fell closed and he made no move to open them back up.
« You never did have your talk. So take your time. But talk to him. »
Half of his face was obscured by the shadows, yet you could still read him.
No tight brow.
No grimace.
No clenched jaw.
Just the sound of his steady breathing. The ticking of the clock. The faint gurgling of the pipes. They all sounded way too loud for you to ever close your eyes and sleep.
You munched on your thumbnail, then ripped the digit out of your mouth when the skin tore near your knuckle.
Dongha caught your wrist, eyes still closed. « What is it ? »
« I donâtâI donât get it Dongha. » Your voice came out strangled.
He sighed, his one exposed blood-shot eye meeting yours.
« You miss him, donât you ? »
Silence.
He gently tugged on the arm he was holding onto.
You shrugged.
« I donât know how to stop. »
A lone tear fell down your cheek and into the fold of your neck.
Another one joined it.
And another one after that.
He wiped your cheek and you sniffled, leaning into his palm.
« Do you want me to ? I donât want us to suffer from it. Iâll try harder. »
You held your breath as he looked away.
« I donât think I needâI donât really want that anymore. »
Blood rushed in your ears, drowning every other noise in the room.
Wait, what ?
Lashes low on his cheekbones, his grip slackened on your forearm.
You pulled on it, jolting him awake. « You donât want that anymore. What does that mean Dongha ? »
He took a deep breath. Exhaled what sounded like months of struggle right along with it. « Iâm done pretending this isnât happening. I thought I wanted it gone. Tried to work it out somehow⊠Didnât work. Youâre miserable. Or he is. Or I am. Usually all three. »
You looked down then up into his gaze again. « I donât want you to be unhappy. What if this is too much for you ? »
He hummed, sleep tugging at him again.
« I donât think loving me has ever stopped you from loving him. And apparently, loving him never made you love me any less. » This time he did laugh. « Maybe it was the opposite. »
Silence took over for a minute.
He was so tired, each answer visibly took substantial energy for him to even articulate. Yet he kept forcing himself to stay awake. Just to hear you out. To dry your tears and relieve your stress.
Warmth filled your chest.
One last question ran circles in your mind.
« Dongha⊠howâwhy suddenly⊠Iâve been trying to say this. I didnât thinkâŠÂ »
You whispered them, but your words echoed in the room all the same. It was so quiet now, you figured he finally fell asleep.
At last, you longed for the earlier ruckus to disturb his peace one last time. Only just long enough for him to answer.
Right before you finally gave up, he murmured. « Yeah. You have. »
You stared at one another. He didnât have to say much more for understanding to flow between the two of you.
His eyes fell closed. « Talk to him. Take your time. Then tell me. Iâll be waiting. »
His breathing evened out.
This time, it felt final. For once, nothing was left to argue about.
And finally the sun shines again on these two ! Phew ! That was TOUGH to write but I had so much fun doing it.
I think that was the most angsty chapter for me, especially trying to wade through emotions with Dongha's avoidant ass. AT LAST the guy finally sat down long enough to actuall feel his feelings. And make his declaration... to fucking Seongmok.
Of fucking course. đ
Anyway, let me know what you thought đ Know a bunch of you were waiting for these two to get back together. And don't hesitate to speculate on what will happen next !! Almost done with this story. đ€§
I write adult content and treat grown themes so MDNI (18+). Iâm sure Iâll forget to list some triggers but Iâll try my best not to do so!
(Part. 7) // (Part. 8.2)
Title ~Â Load-bearing
Genre ~Â Hurt / Comfort
Summary ~Â Reader meets Dongha and Seongmok. Little by little, she's sucked into their duo, the distinction between the two more and more difficult to make.
Warnings ~Â canon divergence (the union wasn't dissolved), AU(the characters are older, towards end of UNI), cussing, violence, sexual themes
wc ~Â 7 k
Song Suggestion : "All that I know is mirrors inside me, they recognize you. Please don't deny me."
A/n ~Â Reader is referred to as "____"
As always, reblog, like and COMMENT ! Love these little chats we have in the comments đ
MASTERLIST
Oh my God, this has been a LONG time coming. Sorry to those who waited that long for this chapter but to make y'all forgive me I gave you the longest bit yet đ„ș
So long in fact, I have to post it in two sections ! Don't worry it's already written. I'm just editing the posting details in the drafts ;)
Just know I almost melted my thighs off in this heat, working on this like this was my full time jobâwith my eyes halfway focused on the TV screen, cheering for France's national football team. Their defeat robbed me of sleep but at least I wrote instead so...
P.S : I received one request on a Dongha story and this month was so eventful I couldn't focus on it. My slow ass felt it would be disrespectful to get on that without finishing at least this chapter first ! I'll try to see what I can do and if the inspiration strikes. If not, I'll get to it once I finish this story.
Your sisterâs guffaws echoed around the room. Head tipped back, you clutched your side, struggling to catch your breath. Eyes on the ceiling, you followed the colorful patterns reflected there, mirth dulling as your weight sunk into the pillowy mattress.
« Feels good finally talking to you. »
The room spun when you jumped up, mouth falling open. « Girl. Are you kidding me ? Weâre on our longest streak so far. Havenât missed a single Sunday since the year started. »
« Yeah, but⊠I mean itâs good to have you back. Smiling. Joking. I missed you. »
Your heart stuttered when a wet sheen covered her eyes.
« And youâve got some colors back in your face. I was getting worried for a second there. »
One shoulder lifted. Something about the move looked awkward on her.
You froze, genuinely dumbfounded. You were so used to worrying about her that you hadnât even considered the possibility of her being troubled by your melodrama.
The thought was humbling.
Weirdly comforting.
Her throat cleared and you tried to blink the glaze out of your eyes.
« Anyway, Iâll stop now. Release you fromâŠthis. » She gestured around to the both of you. « Just felt like it needed to to be said. »
It took her waving goodbye for you to snap out of your stupor. « Wait ! Iâ»
Her eyebrows jumped up and you hawked out a cough. « I have like, twenty minutes untilâŠÂ »
The words died on your tongue. You steeled yourself. « Until Dongha comes over. »
She straightened, her head momentarily blocking the light from her bright room. Shadows fell over her face, enhancing the storm in her expression. « Wow. Before the sun set ? »
Ouch.
Lips pinched, she cursed under her breath. She clasped both hands, actively schooling her features. « So how are things with you two ? »
An amused smile spread onto your lips. She said it so politely, it somehow managed to come off as rude.
« Weâre taking it slow. »
Her eyebrows jumped up before dropping down low on her forehead, framing her rounded eyes. Your smile turned into a full blown laugh.
« Okay, I donât mean to be rudeâno, you know what ? I do mean to be rude. Iâm finding it incredibly hard to believe âslowâ is even an option with you two. »
« Yeah. Well, weâreâ»
You fished for the right words. « Weâre getting our groove back. »
Your gaze flicked toward the window.Â
« Little by little. »
The silence pulled it away again, long enough for her to catch.
Her eyes narrowed and she tilted her head in that way you knew meant she was waiting for more.
She broke firstâof course. « Little by little ? »
Your teeth clamped down on your tongue. « Um, we talk. A lot. On the phone. »
« Ah ! So he does know how phones work now. Good to know. »
Rolling your eyes, you let your head drop over your bent arms. « I mean, heâs still Dongha. So most of my calls go unansweredâ»
Her sharp inhale had your head snapping right back up.
You cut in before she had the chance to cuss him out. «âBUT. He actually calls me back when he gets the chance. Or he texts if itâs really late. To catch up. »
« Well. » She pursed her lips. « He better. »
You pretended not to notice the bitterness coating her words. « There are dates. A lot of them. »
The fond smile on your face dimmed your sisterâs hostility some. Watching you, her mouth curled absent-mindedly.
You smirked, triumphant.
Just like that, a scowl overtook her. « Hm. Fucker was always good at those. Iâll give him that. »
« Language. »
It was her turn to roll her eyes.
« He often drops by when heâs done for the day. And we just⊠eat. And talk. And laugh. Together. » Your hand drifted to your throat, eyes stuck on the floor, unfocused.
« Is that all you do ? »
Your gaze swiveled to hers. « Mmh ? »
« Talking. Eating. Laughing. Is that it ? »
You considered the question for a second, face growing hot. « Um. WeâŠÂ »
You scratched your neck.
« We kissâŠÂ »
« Yeah ? »
Silence.
« Thatâs it ? »
You nodded.
She waited, giving you space to add more.
You didnât.
« Okay. Is that all you want to do ? »
This time, she let the quiet linger. Let it settle for you to break when you were ready.
It wasnât.
How could it be ? Things had always been heated between you.
You wanted him. And he wanted you.
Simple.
Through all of the ups and downs, that was the one thing that never swayed.
Until it was all you had.
« I donât think weâre ready to cross that line yet. »
Your sisterâs stare didnât waver.
« He okay with that ? »
The skeptical look on her face rubbed you the wrong way. Your first instinct was to rush to his defense. « Heâ» You halted.
Took a second to genuinely think about it. « He doesnât push. »
She blew out a breath, shoulders relaxing, and you followed suit.
Until she spoke again.
« Is it because youâre scared ? »
Your heart squeezed.
She wasnât done. « âŠor because somethingâs still unresolved ? »
A notification pinged on your phone : Dongha.
A wave of warmth spread through your chest, excitement settling right along with it.
Your sister smiled sheepishly. « Well. Anyway, Iâll leave you to it. Talk to you next Sunday, I guess ? »
You nodded once and without missing a beat, she did the same.
« I love you, big head. »
You giggled. « Love you too. Brat. »
She stuck out her tongue and flipped you off before disconnecting.
The screen blanked out.
***
A heavy weight settled onto the cushion right next to you, nudging you awake. Warm hands wrapped around your ankles and coarse fabric replaced the cold wool of the cushions. The roughness of the material tickled the soles of your feet. You stopped twitching when steady fingers started running over the soft skin, soothing the itch. The motion almost lulled you back to sleep.
High-pitched voices and dramatic explosions sounded far away in the background, the noise unusual enough for you to finally stir. Your eyelids fluttered open to find the dark room illuminated by the TVâs flashing lights.
Your feet rested on Donghaâs lap as he rubbed them, lounging lazily on the sofa. Every now and then, his hands paused and his eyes went wide. Then he would startle and resume his petting, attention never leaving the animation playing on the screen.
You smiled at the childlike wonder coming from him, lying low so as not to interrupt the moment.
The room felt different. Less cluttered. You threw a covert glance at the table and were surprised to find it clear. So many food cartons had been scattered there earlier, the table had leaned perilously.
Dongha peeked at you, doing a double-take when he noticed you were awake. He grabbed the remote and hit pause.
« Look whoâs finally up from her little food coma. »
« And whose fault is that ? »
You tittered, gently smacking his shoulder.
Heâd brought enough food to feed an entire settlement, insisting you try every single dish heâd picked out.
« Iâm surprised you didnât pass out from all the food youâve ingested, babe. It was quite the performance. Guinness World Record worthy. Truly. »
He fake-bowed, accepting the praise.
Your melodic laugh trickled out, dying down slowly.
« Did you finish the movie ? I donât remember much of it. Sorry about that. »
He shook his head. « Itâs alright. I got to catch up on this instead. » He gestured to the drawings on the screen and you recognized one of his favorite animes. « And to watch you sleep. Double win. »
You cringed. « Okay. Either youâre reaching back into the river of corn I thought had dried a long, long time ago... blessedly soâ »
He touched a hand to his heart. « Ouch. »
« âor. You wanted to make fun of or record my sleep-face. And in that case⊠ew. »
You hid your face, stealthily rubbing the corner of your eyes, checking for crusts.
The rough pads of his fingers brushed the sensitive skin of your wrist as he pried them down and away. Your sharp gasp echoed in the quiet room.
« I thought by now we both agreed my game isnât that lame after all. » He smirked, eyebrow lifted in challenge. « I mean, weâre right here. Arenât we ? »
The low rumble of his scratchy voice travelled through your limbs and your thighs pressed together.
He pivoted, hand sliding from your foot up to your knee.
« And I would never make fun of your face. I like your face. Thought I made that very clear. »
You sat there, paralyzed. Stuck in the hypnotic confidence of his stare.
Somehow, his face now hovered inches away from yours.
His hand lifted and a single digit stroked from your hairline, down your cheek. It stopped right next to your bottom lip. His half-lidded gaze followed the same path.
His eyes trailed back up to yours. The same singeing desire you felt was reflected there.
In the next breath, you were locked onto each other, an ocean of feelings coursing through a passionate kiss.
This.
This was so familiar. Time flew by. Or it slowed. You didnât really know.
The kiss deepened.
Whether he pulled you on top of him, or you climbed there, remained a mystery.
The result was the same. Propped on his lap, you held onto his neck, tight. Kissing him like your life depended on it, barely coming up for air. He held onto you, happily surrendering to your suffocating embrace.
His grip twitched around your waist before sliding down to your hips and you moaned, shifting closer.
Then you felt it.
The hard bulge in his pants nudged your inner thighs. Your knees sank deeper into the couch. A sweet wave of heat surged through your core and you ground onto him instinctively, chasing the feeling.
Flashes burst in, unprompted.
The two of you, chests heaving in exhaustion. Breathing each otherâs air as you came down from yet another empty climax.
Different nights. Same outcome.
You caught the faint whistle of the wind outside.
Cold sweat rolled down your back. Your hold on his neck slackened and you pulled your hands down, panting right against his mouth.
Dongha stopped moving, slowly pulling away from you, messy breathing mingling with yours.
You felt his gaze on your face but stayed rooted to the spot, eyes glued to your twiddling fingers. Shoulders stiff.
A different kind of tension settled over you. The static of the TV sounded loud in the quiet room.
Dongha carefully picked you up and sat you back down on the couch.
Your throat closed up.
You faced him fully, babbling your apology. « Dongha, Iâm sâ »
Palm up, he gestured for you to stop.
He shook his head, closing his eyes. « Donât. » His voice was strained.
You bit your lip and watched, heart pounding as he inhaled deep, letting the breath out through his mouth. He clutched a pillow and pressed it over his crotch. The controlled breathing started over again a few times.
After a last exhale, he opened his eyes again, voice steadier than before.
« Donât apologize. Please. »
You nodded.
Dongha grabbed the remote, flipping through the catalog.
Silence blanketed the room.
He removed the pillow, the tenting in his pants thankfully gone.
« Come tomorrow. »
Your head snapped up. « Huh ? »
« At the bowling alley. »
Your features twisted.
What ?
He stopped browsing.
« Just come. If you have nothing planned ? »
Elation coursed through your body at the thought of finally being back there after so many months.
« Sorry, ____. Weâstrict orders. We canât let you in. »
The room suddenly felt ten degrees hotter.
« Um, will anyone chase me out the place with pitches and forks again ? »
Your short laugh mightâve been credible if your face wasnât so pinched.
He winced. « The guys miss you. »
Your face softened.
He fiddled with the remote, focused on the sliding icons on the screen. « And I want you there. »
You wanted to be there. Badly.
And you missed the guys as well.
All of them.
A knot formed in your chest and you hesitated a beat.
Your attention strayed to the front door. You saw yourself open it to find the last person you expected standing there.
Tall as ever. Solid as ever.
And yet, heâd looked oddly⊠vulnerable.
« CanâŠÂ »
You trailed off.
Could you even ask that ?
The memory cut back to Dongha, standing there. A silent support, right behind his best friend.
Despite everything, they still had each other.
The relief was immense.
« Will Seongmok be there ? »
Donghaâs hand paused, briefly enough that one could miss it.
« Do you want him there ? »
Naturally.
You had always wanted both of them right next to you.
Could you even say that ?
« I donât want him to leave because of me. »
This, you knew you could say.
If you couldnât be there right beside them, you at least liked to know that Dongha had Seongmok. And that Seongmok had Dongha.
It was how it should be.
Dongha gave you his full attention.
« Do you want him there ? »
You blinked.
Yes.
The glaring white light from the screen illuminated his features. It didnât help shed light on the unreadable expression on his face.
You had no clue what type of answer he wanted to hear. How much of the truth he could handle.
« I donât know that I can ignore him if he isâŠÂ »
« I know. »
He said it without missing a beat.
He didnât repeat the question. He didnât need to.
You swallowed, bracing for impact.
Here goes nothing.
« Yes. I do. »
You waited.
He nodded once.
« Okay. Then itâs all good. »
He turned back to the screen.
« Heâll be there. »
You frowned.
The way he said it. It sounded⊠simple.
He settled on the movie you were watching earlier, putting your feet back in their original spot in his lap.
~~~
Dongha made a face as the door banged closed behind him. He checked the time : 2:07 A.M.
Great.
He couldnât wait to read what colorful complaint the girl next door would staple on his door tomorrow.
Perhaps it was still early enough to come back over to yours, though.
Then the two of you could pick up right where you left off. Before Baekjin texted with yet another emergency. And you were kind of a night owl anyway.
His hand clenched around his phone.
Right.
Thatâs why you fell asleep not even twenty minutes after he put the movie youâd been âdyingâ to watch.
Twice.
Youâd been studying your butt off lately, preparing for your upcoming finals.
He was pleasantly surprised to see you far less stressed than you were the year prior. You seemed to have finally gotten the hang of this whole academic planning thing. All that without ever disappearing on him.
You even remembered to eat.
Apparently, your friend Goya was the one to thank for that. She managed to âkeep yours and Jeyiâs distracted butts walking the straight and narrowâ. Your words.
He grinned.
Or perhaps you were actually catching up on all the sleep youâd missed because of his petty ass for the past few months.
The tiny curve died on his lips.
Either way, you looked tired enough that he knew for sure you conked out as soon as he left your place two hours prior.
He took off his shoes.
Slouched on his couch, he stared at the dark ceiling for a moment, feeling around for the remote. He was too keyed-up to go to sleep now anyway.
After a quick review of his options, he finally pressed play on the same show he was engrossed in earlier. Hopefully itâd help him ignore the call of your bed.
The thing truly was a thing of beauty. Fluffy pillows. Heavy comforter.
It didnât help that he knew you were rolling around in them right this second. Making an already tempting vision damn near compulsive.
He peeked at the front door, leg jumping.
If he left right now, he could be at your door in thirty minutes tops. Heâd only bother you for the one minute it took to let him in. Then heâd make up for it by just lulling you back to sleep with his hands. Running over the soft silk of your skin. Kneading the kinks in your back.
Or maybe you could spend the rest of the night just chatting away. Laughing.
Kissing.
A loud explosion burst through the daydream. By the time he recovered, one of his favorite characters was agonizing on the screen, hit by what he could only assume was a substantial attack. « Fuck ! »
He hit rewind, hunting for the moment heâd lost the plotâway earlier than he first assumed.
He straightened all the way up, elbows on his knees. Focused on the screen, he inhaled deep, determined to finish the episode.
A faint whiff of sweet perfume hit his nose.
It went ignored.
Minutes went by.
Your scent lingered, muted at first. Then stronger as the seconds ticked by.
Ultimately, it was all he could pick up on.
His back hit the sofa and suddenly he wasnât alone in his apartment anymore.
He could feel your familiar weight, pressing on him, as if you were still perched on his lap. The ghost of your dainty fingers tickled his neck, branding him where you had latched on with surprising strength.
Heâd been too entranced to do much but sit there and follow your lead, drunk on you. Hands clenched around your waist, following the winding motion of your hips.
Like waves washing up.
Closer and closer.
Until your heat rubbed right over his crotch.
He gripped his hair, tight.
The raging hardness he thought heâd curbed earlier was back with a vengeance. Lost in the fantasy, he let his hand drift over the hard plane of his stomach, straight towards the band of his pants.
His mind drifted away.
To the tiny moan youâd let out upon contact.
All at once, youâd gone completely stiff above him.
His hand froze right below his navel.
Youâd been so into it.
Werenât you ?
You were.
The way youâd kissed him. Like you needed him more than you needed your next breath. Thereâs no way he couldâve mistaken that for anything other than what it was.
Pure desire.
So what was it ?
« I donât feel like playing sex doll tonight. »
An ice bath wouldâve cooled him off less than this specific flashback did.
Sex doll.
The animeâs soundtrack chimed in the small living room.
He let the song play.
Sat through the end credits. A third rewind would only make him feel that much more pathetic.
He tore the sweatshirt off his shoulders. Peeled your perfume away right along with it.
The item landed on the heap of discarded clothes on his floor.
He studied the cluttered space.
This place was in need of a good scrub. Starting with a load of laundry. He picked up the clothes scattered around the room then beelined to the kitchen, shoving them listlessly into the washing machine.
There, he noticed the mountain of dishes piled up and went to work.
« Oh, shit ! » He scrambled but was too late. A glass slipped out of his sudsy hands and smashed to pieces in the sink.
His chest tightened.
Tinted bottle.
A pungent alcohol smell wafting off the ground.
Your whole frame shaking in Seongmokâs hold.
The slap had surprised him.
The bottle threw him off his game.
Yet they were nothing compared to the shuttered look in your eyes as you stood on the other side of your door later that night.
« Can I come in ? »
« No. »
This had entirely disarmed him.
Then your hushed tone right after. « Good night, Dongha. »
Heâd stared at the closed door, dumbfounded, for way longer than he liked to admit.
This had been the first time you ever shut him out.
That was also the first time he the idea of losing you ever actually crossed his mind.
Wrong.
It wouldâve been the first. If his brain hadnât Stanley Kubricked a bunch of far-fetched scenarios for a whole month before that night.
That particular fight had been building up for quite some time.
You were busy. Very busy. A day went by. A week. Then two.
Nothing personal.
He kept telling himself that. Deep down, he knew that.
You were stressed out. Overworked.
Knowing this didnât keep him from missing you.
Bad.
Back then, heâd felt like a wimp for even thinking it.
Youâd managed to get under his skin. A bit too much for his taste.
So the wheels started turning. While he sat there longing for you, you were focused on your future.
What happened when you finally realized you were way too good for him ? Stopped giving him the time of day ?
PermanentlyâŠ
Then you finally came out of hiding.
Hearing from you had him all giddy.
Like a fucking schoolgirl with a crush.
To add insult to injury, his stomach clenched as soon as he saw you.
Worse, you gave him a heartfelt apology.
Hit bullseye.
It shouldnât have been that easy. The whole thing had his skin crawling.
So he steeled himself.
Iced his heart out.
« Way to make me sound fucking needy. »
Then he straight-up punished you for reading him so well.
« Want to make it up to me, sweetheart ? Apologize properly then. »
The steady whoosh of the running water sharpened the throbbing in his head. He cut the tap off.
The silence that ensued was a much-needed reprieve. He ran a soapy hand into his hair.
Dirty water ran over his forehead. Bubbles stung his eyes, the ache growing as he rubbed at them frantically. « Fuckingâ »
He hurled the soapy rag into the sink, striding towards the bathroom for a much needed shower.
Water poured over him.
Eyes closed, he did his best to empty his head.
It didnât work.
« Donât leave me. »
Arms squeezed around his ribs.
Your head settled right against the middle of his shoulder blades.
Heâd never been so brutal with you than that night.
« Dongha. Whatâs really bugging you ? »
Nothing.
Everything.
The fuzzy feeling that had spread around his chest at seeing his entire entourage simply there having a good time. The way even Seongje seemed to like you. The fact you dared to face Baekjin for himâand came out successful.
You and Seongmok. Teaming-up. Him, opening up to you. You, making him laugh.
What did that hide ? How were you so good at figuring every last one of them out ?
Suspicion dripped from his tone as he blatantly questioned your motives.
All the while, his body told another story. The crestfallen look on your face had his arms folding you close while his hands rubbed soothing circles into your skin.
The same thing happened once he had you all to himself.
What happened if you ever decided you were done with him ?
He held onto you.
Literally.
To the point where his hands bruised the delicate skin around your neck.
Stole the very air that you breathed.
That shouldâve scared you away.
You didnât run though. Instead, you chose to trust him.
Then he felt even closer to you.
So after he ravaged you, he just left you there. Alone to deal with the aftermath of his emotional storm.
Repaid your vulnerability with carelessness.
A shiver wracked him from head to toe.
The warmth of the water did nothing to comfort him.
He pushed the lever. The water streamed painfully hot now. His skin prickled.
He opened his eyes. Steam rose around him, the room barely visible through the foggy glass panels around him.
He blinked and suddenly he was back in that dream-like shower with you. Heâd been so desperate to warm you up.
Physically.
Emotionally.
He just was ill equipped to do so.
Back then, he strongly suspected your broody demeanor had a lot to do with Seongmokâs sudden disappearance.
The selfish part of him had been relieved. With him gone, half of the questions heâd been torturing himself with had faded away.
Still, at times, you seemed so dejected that guilt threatened to take over.
Even so, each time it threatened to pushed him toward you, the questions got louder. Just like that, fear dragged him back.
He mightâve broke and asked at some point⊠if he hadnât noticed how appeased you appeared whenever he touched you.
He used that.
Again and again.
Liked to think of himself as a balm, soothing the ache Seongmok had left behind him.
He swallowed.
His red skin cried in relief as he cut off the scalding water.
He stared at his blurry reflection in the dewy mirror.
Didnât bother wiping it. There was nothing there he had any desire to see at the moment.
Once in his bedroom, he didnât even bother trying to lay down. His mind was way too wired for that. His gaze landed on his gaming set.
Perfect.
Surely arguing with live players online would distract him from how dark his thoughts had gotten tonight.
« Fucking hell Dongha. That was a friend. Friends : no kill, you dumbass. »
Seongjeâs annoying voice jeered in his headset.
Dongha inhaled sharply, blood boiling. « Donât fucking get on your high horse Seongje. They all look the fucking same. »
Other voices rose after he killed yet another member of his own team, insulting him in protest. He cursed right back at them, increasingly loud.
Yeah, just what he needed.
« You think this is a game ? You fucking suck. Donât try to connect again. Not tonight. Hell, not ever. Iâll fucking kick you out again. »
Before he could even answer, the notification popped up on his screen : YOU HAVE BEEN REMOVED FROM THIS ROOM BY THE MODERATOR.
« It is a fucking game. Fucking asshole. »
Huffing, he shoved the gadget off of his head and onto the keyboard. Then, because it did feel good, he threw his controller, sending it smashing right against the wall.
Batteries flew out around him.
He saw himself, bent over. The loud crash of the remote banging right behind him against your door. The golden batteries rolling.
The first oneâs path cut off at his feet.
The second one right against yours.
Itâll pass. Sheâll get over it.
Thatâs what he thought back when you were still mellow.
Then the depression gave way to anger. A whole lot of it. Far too often, he let his temper get the best of him in response.
How you went from always saying the right thing. Always doing the right thing.
To picking unnecessary fights. Screaming matches
It didnât sit right with him.
So was that it then ?
He started treating your arguments like tiny battles.
He barely even listened to whatever came out of your mouth anymore. Went into them, focused on gaining the upper hand. To see how far it had to go.
Your sadness always ended up peeking through the rage, though. Whenever it did, he would placate you in the only way he knew how.
Somehow, you accepted the bargain.
Sex became apologies.
Arguments.
Pleas.
Conversations.
Eventually, it became the only language the two of you still spoke.
The only window you could always turn to when you needed a glimpse of where your relationship stood.
Of where he stood.
It all seemed so⊠transactional.
The realization hit him square in the chest.
The screenâs black light glared back at him. His hand pressed against his closed lids.
Against the onslaught of memories.
Many times, youâd reached out only for him to throw you out.
Shut the door right in your face.
Youâd deal with the heartbreak, lick your wounds, and come right back to that same door.
Time and time again, he slammed it closed.
Deemed you guilty of things you hadnât even done yet. Things he imagined youâd eventually do.
Then came the inevitable. He called it quits.
Tried bolting the damn thing closed.
Barricaded it.
Ironically, the self-imposed absence was too much to bear.
So he baited you.
Open that same window. Then he took what he needed and spit you right back out of it.
More than that, he carefully stripped the house of everything that had ever made it a home.
Evicted it right along with you.
« Youâll never forgive me. You didnât even plan to try did you ? »
He hadnât. Heâd planned to leave.
Before you could.
Meanwhile, youâd never stopped knocking.
UntilâŠ
« I deserve more than that. If youâre gonna leave, then you need to leave now. »
No wonder you were so reluctant to even peek through the glass pane now.
« I donât really feel like playing sex doll tonight. »
Everything heâd eaten tonight roiled in his stomach.
***
Eyes wide open, Dongha checked the time : 5:33 A.M.
Damn.
The curse landed somewhere between befuddlement and outrage.
The wheels had turned so fast in his head, the hours had slipped by unnoticed.
All the same, he spent so much time tossing and turning in bed it felt like a whole year had gone by.
Your whole year.
He discarded the phone, forcing his lids closed.
Did he actually turn the TV off ?
He held his breath, keeping an ear out for the familiar static from the TV.
Nothing.
The breath escaped swiftly.
How was he going to get back at Seongje for his earlier eviction ?
A yawn almost broke his jaw in half, nipping his evil master plan in the bud.
Fuck.
What time did Baekjin actually expect them to show up tomorrow again ? He ought to go to sleep now.
Get a few hours of shut-eye.
Silence settled in the small room.
His eyes fell open.
Stare fixed on the wall, he studied the dark shapes drawn by the faint light of the night sky.
Were the blinds closed when he left your place earlier ?
He tried rewinding the night, back to the moment you said your goodbyes.
He didnât go that far.
How did you manage to still let him in even after everything he did to you ?
The knot in his throat grew too big to ignore.
How did the two of you not crumble way earlier ?
« Seongmok save your ass again ? »
Seongjeâs voice came back to haunt him.
He hadnât been able to deny it back then.
Still couldnât.
« Thank God for fucking Seongmok. Maybe I should be dating him ! »
Another fight. Same pattern.
You rang.
He hung up. Didnât even bother checking what was actually wrong.
So you turned to someone else, seeking a listening ear.
You found it.
Seongmok did look to him. Before crossing the line.
And he justâŠ
« If you answer that, you deal with it. »
Seongmok dealt with it.
Of course, he did.
Dongha listened intently as every word out of Seongmokâs mouth calmed you down. Heâd barely said a thing, yet there you were. Anxiety still palpable but oddly⊠eased.
Yeah, the guy did have that effect.
Seongmok said it would all be okay. You took his word for it. And it was so simple too.
Like he spoke at a frequency your heart was magically tuned onto.
At the end of the day, the smile was back on your face. Nevermind that he wasnât the one to put it there.
He wouldâve cared if it were any other guy.
« Oh, whatever. Itâs Seongmok, what does it change ? »
That was the first time he actively dropped the emotional layer of your relationship on Seongmokâs lap.
It was far from being the last.
« Every time I was worried sick about you. Every time you pushed me away like nothing but a fucking parasite, he was there. »
He was.
He even brought the guy to the fucking break up for fuckâs sake.
The laugh that flew out of his mouth was void of any humor. His palms smashed against his lids.
It didnât stop the memory from coming in.
« I love you Dongha. And because I do, I think I also love you Seongmok. »
He always did his best not to get to that part. To bury it to the deepest, darkest part of his brain. The first part of your statement was always eclipsed by the latter.
What the hell did that mean ?
Seongmok was always better at decrypting you than heâd ever been.
Now that he thought about it, Seongmok had basically been playing emotional translator for the entire first half of your relationship.
Then he was gone. Left both of you to deal with a language neither of you were equipped to decode.
He picked up his phone. Ran through your text messages. The disconnect between you two came off so obvious by the end of the year. It felt like two halves of a different conversation.
Something caught his attention.
The thread turned one-sided way earlier than he remembered it had. Youâd essentially been talking to yourself for weeks.
Before things ever really blew up.
Before the break-up.
He scrolled down again.
December.
His thumbs froze.
You :Â Voice note (1min46)Â -Dec. 21st, 1:38 P.M.
You :Â Voice note (58sec)Â -Dec. 21st, 1:40 P.M.
You :Â Voice note (5min01)Â -Dec. 21st, 2:07 P.M.
Oh.
These still sat there, unopened.
Unheard.
He set the phone, face-down on the comforter. The room looked darker than it had a minute ago.
Suddenly he wasnât in bed any more. He stood, petrified in front of your bedroom door, hand on the handle. Debating whether to reach out.
Then your choking cry echoed in the shadows.
His eyes slammed closed.
How many times had no one heard you ?
The same question heâd asked himself back then popped right back up.
He moved without thinking.
The opening seconds of the first note disturbed him enough to hit pause.
Your voice was the scratchiest heâd ever heard it. Usually intimidated by your assertiveness, the shakiness of the vocal made the hairs on his arms stand up. Your words were barely coherent. You cut your own sentences before even finishing them. Like the thoughts were leaving your mouth the same way that they appeared in your brain. Raw emotion seeped from every word.
He had to resign himself to replay the painful audio just to catch half of the arguments.
The second one was straight gibberish. You sounded more and more guttural as it went by and he grimaced, struggling to understand.
He was determined to try though.
Managed to make out words here and there.
Bowling alley[âŠ]
Say goodbye [âŠ]
Memories [âŠ]
How am I supposed to reach you now ?
He stopped the recording there, right as a sob broke out.
Protecting himself had been the only thing in his mind back then. He hadnât thought of anything besides that. Hadnât seen how barring you from entering the bowling alley was yet another bolt in the lock to keep you out.
His finger hovered over the play button on the third note.
He didnât know if he could make it through five minutes of audible heartbreak.
He launched the final message, heart in his throat. The composure in your voice made him pause.
You :Â Voice note (5min01)Â -Dec. 21st, 2:07 P.M.
This one message was sent almost half an hour after the last one.
Figures.
Your speech resumed, commanding his attention.
One line hit him. He had to rewind and play it again.
I didnât understand it at first. What I felt. But then he left and⊠it was like he took half of you away from me.
He heard nothing beyond that.
A ton of bricks wouldâve hurt less.
He huffed. Hit pause, hands shaking.
Was Seongmok embedded so deep in your heart that him leaving would leave you half empty ?
The idea tempted him for a second. To just stop there. Delete everything.
Call it quits.
Perhaps listening to these messages was not the best thing to do after all.
The phoneâs lighting dimmed and he tapped the screen before it could shut off. The recording started anew, stuck on the same sentence.
He took half of you away from me. I couldnât read you anymore.
He hit rewind again.
Half of you away from me.
Oh.
The order of these words did matter.
His hands steadied.
He inhaled deep. Pushed through.
He was almost at the end of the note when another passage made him halt.
I wouldnât have been able to love you fully until I could love Seongmok too. And I wouldnât be able to love him without loving you.
Bullshit.
The scowl twisted his features to an almost painful degree.
He listened again.
What the fuck did that even mean ?
He checked the countdown : forty seconds left to the audio.
He doubted this would be enough to even come close to understanding your statement.
« What if I misinterpreted things ? It wouldnât be fair to her ! »
Seongmokâs words punched in and he blew out a loud breath, rubbing at his burning eyes.
Heâd failed to hear what you were saying so many times. Took your words and twisted them, until they meant something totally different.
So he pressed play, listened to those forty seconds anyway.
Youâre both so different yet⊠the exact same. The more time I spent with you the more I feltâŠ
His heart beat in his palms.
Youâre meant to be together. Always. To be loved together. To love together. If that makes senseâŠ
A nervous laugh left your lips, in sync with his dumbfounded one.
The day I started fighting it, was the same day it allâŠ
He held his breath, anxiously waiting as you wracked your brain, attempting to articulate your thoughts.
You asked me what I ever did to stop it and⊠truth is IâI couldnât do this to youâŠ
His lungs burned.
Your voice dropped, the scratchiness back full force.
You probably wonât even listen to this anyway.
No.
Not now.
I love you.
The sincerity in your voice haunted the silence, long after the sound cut off.
It followed him as he closed his eyes and fell asleep.
~~~
Donghaâs phone buzzed in his pocket.
You : Just left the girls rn
You : Should be there in like thirty
He rubbed at his tired eyes, typing a quick response.
« You good ? You look like shit. »
His gaze lifted at that. The deadpan expression on Seongmokâs face shouldâve pissed him off. Instead, a lazy chuckle escaped, unprompted.
The guy was probably right. As usual.
« No time to catch up on my beauty sleep. »
Seongmok opened his mouth, curiosity etched onto his features. In the same breath, he changed his mind. Abruptly cut himself off.
Dongha stared, a single brow lifted. Waiting. Silence stretched a second too long. A yawn threatened to crack Donghaâs jaw, his groan landing awkwardly between the two of them. « Just fucking ask. »
« Was it ____ related ? »
With little to no resistance, he answered. « When is it not ? »
This time, they let the silence settle.
Dongha let the back of his head hit the wall, taking in Seongmokâs profile.
« Sheâs coming tonight. »
He watched intently as Seongmokâs head swiveled towards him, taking note of each reaction. For a short, unguarded moment, his whole face relaxed. Like he caught him right at the beginning of a smile.
Damn, he was so tired, he was even waxing poetics nowâŠ
Seongmokâs whole body stiffened. Tried to bury it. To hide behind a thick layer of concrete.
A while ago, Dongha might have missed it. Maybe.
Ignored it.
He didnât have the energy to do so. Not anymore. Not today.
Yearning shone in Seongmokâs eyes, unmistakable. The same look Dongha had seen in the mirror after heâd tried to stay away from you.
Seongmok didnât have to move a muscle for Dongha to see right through him. Nothing moved but his eyes. They shifted around the room, almost reflexively, as if looking for an exit.
Then his fingers tightened on the edge of the bench. Already letting go. Already halfway out the door.
Dongha sighed, setting a hand on his tense arm. « Stay. »
Dongha kept quiet when Seongmokâs blinking turned erratic. After what felt like an eternity, his gruff voice finally gritted out.
« I still feel the same. »
The dejected tone almost made him reach out. Pat his shoulder.
Fighting this is pointless. Lesson learned.
« I know. »
« I love her. »
The silence was even thicker than it had been before his revelation.
Dongha almost expected the sky to open up and for lightning to crack him right on the head.
Until Seongmok actually chuckled. « Took you long enough. »
Thatâs it ? Huh.
Somehow, he felt lighter.
Another bout of laughter overtook Seongmok.
Dongha threw him a sidelong glance.
He pinched his lips, failing to hide an amused smirk.
« Asshole. »
The smirk turned into a full blown smile and Dongha shoved his shoulder, barely any strength behind it.
Seongmok sobered.
« Thatâs exactly why I should leave. »
Dongha frowned. « Because I love her ? Or because you do ? »
Seongmok ran a palm over his hair, staring ahead. He bent over, elbows on his knees. « IâIf I stayâŠÂ » He swallowed audibly, then pushed through, voice growing weaker with each word. « Ignoring her is hard enough as it is. IâI donât think I have it in me if sheâsâŠÂ »
« So, donât. You were always there when I wasnât. Youâre right where you belong. Both of you. Stay. »
Seongmok finally met his eyes, head tilted. « Dongha-ya. What does that mean ? »
He considered his own words for a second.
« I donât know. »
The persistent throbbing at the back of his skull grew too big to ignore. « I donât know⊠I really donât. »
He paused, massaging his head. The pressure still didnât let up.
He really hadnât slept enough for this conversation. Or drank.
His lack of patience bled through his exhausted sigh.
« She wants you there. You want to be there. » He paused. « Youâre not going anywhere. Not on my watch. »
He settled his head against the wall, eyes closed. « Either of you. »
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Then came that demonic ass heatwave that held half of Europe hostage đđ The wave stopped last Sunday and my apartment is still as hot as the pits of hell.
I swear Franceâs 40 degrees (Celsius) felt like so much more than Moroccoâs 40 degrees đ NO AIR. Almost fainted twice actuallyâŠ
Finally, (cuz it wouldnât be funny otherwise), theyâve been breathing down my neck at work. Itâs like Iâm the only freaking employee there đĄ
Mix it all together and you definitely donât get the best of both worlds đ
Whole thing left meâŠ
Anyway, Iâve been able to start working on Chapter 8 this week so Iâm hoping to release it in a week or so !
I think the story will end at chapter 10, 11 max. I love to take my time unfolding the plot and I like to think thatâs part of why youâre following this story. Either way, youâve been very patient so far so I thank you with all my heart â€ïž
This story and your comments and support has made me definitely fall in love with writing and sharing my work so I hope youâll stay along for the ride đ„čđ„čđ„°
I write adult content and treat grown themes so MDNI (18+). Iâm sure Iâll forget to list some triggers but Iâll try my best not to do so!
(Part. 6) // (Part. 8.1)
Title ~Â Phantom Limb
Genre ~Â Hurt / Comfort
Summary ~Â Reader meets Dongha and Seongmok. Little by little, she's sucked into their duo, the distinction between the two more and more difficult to make.
Warnings ~Â canon divergence (the union wasn't dissolved), AU(the characters are older, towards end of UNI), cussing, violence, sexual themes
wc ~Â 11 k
Song Suggestion : "Show me your scars and I won't walk away."
A/n ~Â Reader is referred to as "____"
As always, reblog, like and COMMENT ! Love these little chats we have in the comments đ
MASTERLIST
Little disclaimer, I know all types of people with all types of bodies can follow my story and in this chapter I talk about reader appearing thinner. I know depression can look like a lot of things, especially food-wise (I tend to overeat when stressed for example so I know that haha) but I went with the not eating route here. I think if you've ever been utterly heartbroken, then you can relate to it disgusting you off of food from time to time...
Anyway I tried to pay attention to only using comparison words so if you're on the rounder side (as I am), thinner doesn't necessarily mean thin. It can just mean leaner than the usual. And if you're naturally already lean, well it's just thinner than you are already.
Being thin does not in any way mean anything bad here as well. Gaining or in this instance losing weight is simply often an effective way of trying to measure someoneâs well-being. Especially for people that know what the usual healthy looks like on you.
I thought it was important to state that so that no one feels excluded or shamed.
Dongha opened the conversation, listening to the note for the fifth time in the past hour.
Hey. Just wanted to know if youâre coming by tonight ? Not that you have to or anything ! I was just wondering. The girls asked me out on a date and I told them Iâd check if we were seeing each other or⊠something.
A pause.Â
A nervous titter left your lips.
Anyway I guess you might be busy or canât reach your phone just yet. If I donât hear from you by 6 P.M. Iâm saying yes. Iâtalk to you later. I guess. Alright, bye.
Your voice dipped at the end, dripping with embarrassment.
He sighed. The sound wasnât foreign.Â
Not anymore.Â
He turned towards the centerâs dark screens, characters flashing a bold, bright white : 5:47 P.M. His thumbs hovered over the tiny tiles.Â
One last time couldnât hurt, right ?
Only this would be the fourteenth « last time » in as many days.Â
After New Yearâs, heâd left your apartment with a clear plan in sight. A deadline. He had two weeks. Fourteen days to satiate his hunger.Â
He failed to meet his own expectations. So he extended it. Gave himself two extra weeks. All he had to do was lose your number come January 31st.
But the plan backfired. The more he fed the hunger, the more it nestled in his stomach. A parasite, growing and growing, to the point of starvation. Then February 1st came right around the cornerâŠÂ
ââââ
He stood right at that damn door. Yet again. His knuckles smashed against it, anger barely appeased by the ache radiating through his fist.
So he did what he did best. He lashed out. Took his anger out on you. On the room he revered so much it made him sick.Â
And you let him. You didnât stop him when he pinned you against the wall. When your makeup smeared on the pale paintâthat would surely be a pain to clean up. Or when he rid you of your ratty t-shirt and ripped off your thin underwear, leaving them in tatters on the spotless ground. Then you let him fold you over the kitchen bar.Â
The silence turned his stomach. So he shoved at the items on it. The vase heâd offered you for your birthday smashed to pieces in the fall and he stopped, hot palms clenched around the cold stoneâs edge.Â
The chaos did nothing for him.
You set soft hand over his own and they went lax. Then you turned in his arms. Touched his face. Kissed him.Â
And everything slowed down.
Later that night, he realized one thing as you laid next to him, completely out. Heâd been going at it all wrong. You donât quit smoking by going one pack a day for a month. This whole thing didnât make any sense. He needed rules.
Boundaries, as you liked to call them.
So he listed off everything that verged on dangerous territory.Â
The first item was easy. Heâd religiously abided by this rule since that night he showed up at your door, piss poor drunk.Â
No staying the night
The second one, heâd been able to mainly keep at a minimum.Â
No cuddling
He held you enough that he didnât feel like a complete asshole, but pulled out before the tension in the room completely dropped.
Which brought him to the next part.
No pillow talk
He wouldnât admit it out loud, especially not now, but more than the sexâwhich was so fulfilling, it was almost annoyingâhe looked forward to the moments after. When the frenzy finally cooled off and you just layâŠÂ
Facing each other.Â
Talking.Â
Laughing.
No laughing
This one went without saying.
His eyes roamed your face. The moonlight framed your tense features. He took in your hands, clawed in the sheets. Your jaw, tight. The crooked lines in your tense forehead. His fingers twitched and he reached out, thumbing them away.
No face touching
Yet, his hand stayed right where it was. His finger traced your brow, brushed the soft hill of your cheek to settle right over your plump lips.
He gulped.Â
No kissing
Now that was the tricky one. He did try. The issue was, he caved as soon as he saw your sad eyes shining at him. Every single time.
He couldnât yield anymore though.
The crisp air drew goosebumps over the exposed skin of his chest and a shiver wracked him down to his bones. He slipped out of bed, tip toeing around the room, putting his clothes back on.
One last rule came to him. The perfect decree. It would also set the ideal expiration date for whatever the two of you had going on right now.
No holidays / special days
ââââ
« Fucking Valentineâs day. »Â
Dongha jumped when Seongje dropped in the seat in front of him, looking around the slowly filling room. A shadow fell over him and he looked up towards Seongmok. Their eyes met and Dongha tilted his head to the seat next to him. It barely lasted a second but the interaction rubbed him the wrong way.Â
Since when did he need an invitation for that.
Seongje lit a cigarette and jerked his head towards him, talking around the stick. « Thought youâd have plans for tonight. »
Although Seongmok stared straight ahead, Dongha could feel him stiffen next to him.
He shrugged, undecided.
Seongje snorted. « Okay. » He blew out smoke then pulled out his phone, muttering under his breath. « Fuckface. »
Dongha glared, pulling out his own phone.Â
The numbers flashed again : 6:03 P.M. He cursed softly, scrolling up to the previous yearâs conversation.
You : Donât you dare show up to my door without some kind of flower and chocolates - 7:13 P.M.
Dongha : Weâre not even together. Your words. - 7:15 P.M.
You : Oh my God. Srsly. You still mad about this ? - 7:16 P.M.
You : I stand by that. - 7:22 P.M.
You : Do something about it. đ - 7:22 P.M.
You : Quit pouting and hurry up. - 7:28 P.M.
You : *1 attachment* - 8:00 P.M.
He glanced at the thumbnail of the picture youâd sent that night. The soft pink underwear were emblazoned with tiny red hearts.Â
Definitely your style.Â
His lips twitched in amusement.
He quickly curbed it.Â
Dongha : Man. You sure do love a holiday - 8:01 P.M.
You : So will you. If you get your grumpy ass over here đ - 8:02 P.M.
You : I knew the picture would draw you out of hiding. - 8:02 P.M.
You : Bastard - 8:02 P.M.
You : Come on. You canât leave me dickless for Valentineâs Day - 8:21 P.M.
Dongha : So classy. Wife material for sure. - 8:29 P.M.
You : Apparently Iâm not even girlfriend material đ - 8:40 P.M.
Dongha : You started it. - 8:40 P.M.
You : đ - 8:40 P.M.
You : For real though. You canât not show up for Valentineâs Day. - 8:41 P.M.
You : Or you can. It sends a message. - 8:45 P.M.
You : *1 Attachment* - Feb. 15th, 3:35 P.M.
Staring at the picture youâd sent after your night together, a small smile tugged at his mouth. The Snickerâs packet was ripped in half, empty. It sat on your counter, next to your keys, adorned with the brand new keychain heâd bought you.
ââââ
After your last message, heâd rushed through whatever business he had at Daesung Motors, going on the hunt for a last minute present.
His luck had unfortunately run out.Â
Heâd never had a girlfriend. Not really. And while he brought your comment up jokingly, it did hit a bit too close to home for comfort.Â
So, not showing up for Valentineâs DayâŠ
Yeah. It did send a message.
Not the one he wanted to send.
Showing up empty handed sent a message too. Especially after you specifically mentioned it.
But by the time his stupid ass could escape, every single place he stopped at was either closed or out of the usual holiday paraphernalia.Â
He felt Seongmokâs eyes on him as he gripped his hair, cursing out loud at the empty section of chocolate dipped strawberries. « Fucking Valentineâs Day fuckers had to buy all the damn stock ? » His leg kicked out, landing on the empty cardboard box.Â
Seongmok sighed, walking towards the adjacent alley and Dongha followed, grumbling. He almost bumped intoSeongmokâs back when he stopped right at the beginning of the section, perusing the sweets selection. Then he halted, picked up a box of chocolate marshmallows, and held it up to him.
Dongha arched a brow and he shrugged. « Every time I see her, sheâs munching on some type of sweets, trying to shove one down my throat. This might do. »
Dongha took the box. Then, because he felt like shit, he went overboard and dropped a whole selection of brand name chocolate bars in a bright pink, plastic gift bag.
He had no luck with the flowers though. Mood crushed, he shuffled towards the cashier.
Thatâs when he saw it. A tulip. The shiny, flower shaped key-chain had bright pink petals and a golden stem.Â
Perfect.
They went their separate ways outside of the store and he sprinted to your place, pulling up right after midnight.
He wiped his damp hands over his pants, taking a short break down the front steps. After catching his breath, he knocked on your door and stood there, gift behind his back, feigning nonchalance.
You opened, arms crossed sternly over your chest. « First, you come up after midnight. And you donât have a gift ? Youâre not coming inside, Dongha. »
He pinched his lips, stifling a grin. Cute. « Donât worry, Iâll pull out »
You hit his shoulder, hard. « Asshole. »
« Oh I wouldnât dare even ask to go anywhere near there. »
You let out a snigger before clamping a hand over your mouth.Â
He lit up and you crossed your arms again, pouting. « Whatever. It wasnât even that funny. »
« Yes it was. You laughed. And you havenât even seen my hands yet. How would you know theyâre empty ? »
You perked up at this, trying to twist around him to check what he was hiding behind his back. He dodged. Taking advantage of your distractedness, he entered and held the bag out towards you. « Chocolates and a flower for the lady. »
You rummaged through the bag, a big smile on your face. Zoning in on the box of chocolate-wrapped marshmallows, you tore at the cover, shoving one into your mouth. « Yay ! And theyâre heart-shaped too ! »Â
The decorative paper ruffled and your forehead creased as you browsed through his present some more. « Thought I heard something about flowers ? »
He reached all the way down, under the mountain of snacks and fished the key-chain, presenting it to you.Â
You burst out laughing, arms settling around his neck. « Such a gentleman. Thank you. »
Cold sweat rand down his back. He smiled, genuinely relieved at seeing you so pleased.
His hands ran over your arms, down your body to your hips. « Maybe Iâll do better next year. » You shivered at the words and he winked. « Now, whereâs my present ? »
You pulled him to the couch and showed him the lingerie youâd obviously bought just for the occasion.
ââââ
Fingers snapped in front of his face and he blinked Seongje back into focus. He looked to his left. Seongmokâs gaze went back and forth between his face and the keychain, on display all over his screen.
Dongha locked the phone immediately.Â
He cleared his throat, rubbing the back of his neck. « Huh ? »
Seongje chuckled. « Baekjin just sent me a location for the bastard weâve been looking for today. Turns out he took his girl out for Valentineâs day. We can go pay him a visit. Wouldnât that be romantic ? »
Dongha considered his options. It was past 6 P.M. alreadyâbarely.
« You canât not show up for Valentineâs Day. Or you can. But it sends a message. »
His leg jumped.Â
Then he remembered his own rule :Â
No holidays / special dates
He snapped up out of his seat. « Letâs go. »
He felt Seongmokâs eyes on him as he opened your message thread and answered.
Dongha : Probably not. Do your thing. - 6:07 P.M.
~~~
You opened the thread for the thousandth time today.
Dongha : Probably not. Do your thing. - 6:07 P.M.
You heaved out a breath and set the phone, face down on the table. It was past 10 P.M. Still nothing more from him.Â
You picked the phone right back up, scrolling a whole year back.
You : Seriously though. You canât not show up for Valentineâs Day.
You : Or you can. It sends a message.
He knew exactly what he was doing.Â
You could have cried. Maybe. If the well hadnât dried up. Good. It left some place for the gears to turn.Â
Youâd gotten dressed. Applied your make-up. Took the public transportation, followed the well-known path, robotically. Then you met with the girls. Settled in your seat. Went through the motions.Â
The orders arrived. Your friends dove right in.
You sat thereâstuck in your thoughts.
The lonely mornings. Each unshared laughter. Every touch he evaded. Every kiss he tried to dodge. The way he inevitably ripped himself off of your arms.Â
Afterward.
« ____ ? ____, you alright ? »
You blinked, grateful for the low lighting in the intimate alcove you were seated at. Your vision cleared to Goya and Jeyiâs frowning faces, both of them staring in concern. Their plates were almost empty.
Yours still sat in front of you, almost untouched. Blood rushed away from your ears, and the background noise grew clearer and clearer. You picked up on the hushed conversations and soft glee surrounding you and your friends. Tingles prickled your arms and climbed all the way up to the back of your neck.
Jeyiâs eyebrows jumped. She gripped your arm. « Wait, youâre not gonna throw up or something, are you ? »Â
Goya bit her lip. « Do you need us to accompany you to the bathroom ? You look... »
You shook your head slowly, putting a hand up. « No, Iâm good. »
It did sound like youâd vomit at any moment though. Felt like it too. The oily scent permeating the air made you even queasier. You held your breath.
Jeyi sighed theatrically and Goya sent her a pointed glare.
She ignored it. « Okay. ____, sweetheart. Is this about your boyfriend ? »
Was it ? You stared at her for a moment. Then you let out a self-deprecating scoff, biting your lip. « Donât even know what he is anymore. »
« Well, what did he say when you guys had your talk ? »
There was nothing to say.
So you didnât bother.
Goyaâs mouth fell open. « Ohâ»
Your eyes met and understanding dawned on her. « OhâŠÂ »
Jeyi sputtered, oblivious. « What ? You guys have been joined at the hips for like a month now. You mean to tell me he shows up to your place andâwhat, you get it on and he just⊠leaves ? »
Thatâs exactly what happens.
Every single time.Â
The flicker of the flame cast ominous shadows over their faces. The restaurant suddenly felt way too crowded. The rushed cadence of the waitstaffâs footsteps filled the silence.Â
You set your elbows on the table, hiding your hot face behind your hands.
Goyaâs gentle hands wrapped around your wrists, tugging your palms away from your face. Surprisingly, there was no trace of judgement in their eyes.Â
Jeyiâs nostrils flared, a fierce grimace twisting her pretty features. « Iâm done watching you suffer like that. I donât care how hot he is, or how good he fucks, or whatever. »Â
Goya gasped, scoping the area for eventual eavesdroppers. « Jeyi ! »
Jeyi swatted at the air, resuming her argument. « He came back into the picture, and since then youâve been... »
« Utterly miserable. »
You both turned to Goya.Â
Jeyiâs lips pursed. « Well, I wouldnât have said it like that. ButâŠÂ »
Goya grimaced, apologetically, but went on. « You look like youâve barely slept this monthâthis year, really. Your face is grayish. Like youâre not getting enough nutrients or something. Which wouldnât be shocking seeing how little youâve been eating lately. »
She gestured at your barely touched plate.
« He came back and I thought weâd finally get you back, but instead youâitâs getting even worse. Your face is hollowing out by the minute. This is unhealthy, you need to eat. »
ââââ
Seongmokâs hand appeared in front of you, the big bag he held out branded with your favorite coffee shopâs logo. « This is unhealthy, ____. You need to eat something. »
The sugary scent drew you out of your notes and you peered up at him. A smile bloomed on your face and you gathered the notes scattered all over the spot next to you. You patted the seat, gesturing for him to sit down. He stood right where he was, shuffling the bag in front of your nose.
Dongha huffed. « Yeah, good luck with that. I tried. She was supposed to eat the chicken sandwich I got her five âjust one last flashcardâ ago. »
He snatched the packet, checking its content. « Really ? Pastries ? Very nutritious. »Â
Seongmok grabbed it back, then sat next to you. « Whatever. Better than nothing. »
You bit your lip, ready to protest, when he pulled out your favorite cake.
Your stomach grumbled, and you realized just how hungry you actually were.
Seongmokâs lips twisted, his version of a small smile. « Your stomachâs caving in on itself. Audibly. Eat. If you donât, I will. »
Giggling, you accepted the offering.
Pinky finger dipping in the frosting, you let your head tilt sideways. « You donât even like chocolate. »Â
The dollop disappeared in your mouth and he zoned in on your lips for a second.Â
He hacked out a cough and handed you a napkin then turned, back straight against the wall. « Eat. Iâll help you go over these after you do. »
You danced excitedly in your seat, finally taking a humongous bite of the sweet treat.
Dongha exhaled and closed his eyes, slumping in his seat. « Youâre spoiling her again. »
Turning to him, you extended the cupcake and he bent, biting off a chunk. You thumbed frosting from his lip, licked it clean, then kissed his full cheek.
ââââ
« ____ ? »
Fork perched in your shaking hand, you picked at the cold, forgotten dish.
Jeyi cleared her throat and tried again. « Sweetheart... I know you said you didnât want to talk about it back in December. And I get it, but⊠what happened for you to accept being treated so poorly ? Did youâ»
She scratched her head then bent, whispering. « Did you cheat on him ? »
No.
You exhaled loudly. They cringed.Â
« No. » You quickly clarified. « Wouldnât do that to him. »Â
Their nodding stopped when you added. « Itâs complicated. »
They turned to each other, then back to you, blinking.
Yeah, me too.
Jeyi clasped her hands. « Well. Whatever the case may be, he doesnât get to use you like this. »Â
Ouch.Â
They were said so casually, yet these were the exact words youâd been dodging for a moment.Â
« If you were both on the same page, I wouldnât be saying this. But if heâs just⊠having fun while youâre right here, desperately hoping to rekindle a connection ? This is all but fair to you. Youâre worth far too much for that. »
Goya bowed her head in agreement, pride shining in her eyes. She sounded so stern you almost didnât recognize the hopeless romantic with a syrupy voice youâd met last year.
Until she unclasped her hands, palms up. « I meanâthatâs just my opinion. »Â
« Mine too. »
And yours as well.Â
The description fit too well.Â
Used.Â
Cheap.
You checked your phone again : 10:25 P.M.Â
No notifications.Â
You switched it off.Â
Nodding, you clasped one of their hands in each of yours. « Thank you. »
***
The three of you stood on the sidewalk, waiting for the uber to pull up. Jeyi and Goya lived nearby. Youâd suggested they go as soon as you left the establishment, but they insisted theyâd walk home after making sure you were safely shipped away in the car.
The frigid winter air burned your nostrils and lungs. Limbs shaking, you hugged your freezing body protectively, cursing yourself. Once more, youâd gone out without the adequate equipment, too distracted to notice the bite of the cold.
Jeyi rubbed your arms frantically. « Ohh, youâre like an iceberg. »Â
The warmth of the gesture seeped through your numb heart as heat spread to your cold arms.
You were briefly taken back to that bittersweet night.
Donghaâs delicate comfort.
His corny jokes.
The shower.
The tender kisses.
The lingering gazes.Â
She removed her scarf, setting it around your throat. « Maybe we should go back inside. Itâs too cold out here. »
Another memory surfaced.Â
Seongmok.Â
Standing down your front steps. Face angled away. « You should go back inside. Itâs cold out. »Â
You didnât see it back then. Or refused to acknowledge it.Â
Even while actively avoiding you, he still looked after you.
Knew you well enough to move the glass bottles away from you at the bowling alley. Heâd basically let you bully him into a corner right after.
He even put himself in the line of fire that horrible night, when Donghaâs temper passed the point of no return, risking his wrath. Seongmok never strayed from Donghaâs side.
Except for that one time.Â
For you.Â
He was no coward.Â
Not once had he shied away from showing how much he cared.
Jeyi fussed over you, tugging the scarf higher over every exposed inch of skin, grumbling about your lack of proper winter gear.Â
Arms wrapping around her neck, you hung onto her for dear life. « I love you. So much. »
She giggled, squeezing your waist even harder. « And I love you. » She hummed, then extended her arm towards Goya. « Come on grumpy. Weâre hugging it out. »Â
Goya tittered softly and you unclasped your arm to welcome her into the embrace.
The three of you huddled together until the car pulled up, the cold a mere detail now.
~~~
Donghaâs balled fist froze mid-air.
February 15th. 12:32 A.M.
Head hunched, his knuckles rapped on your door.
Here goes nothing.
A full minute went by.Â
He knocked, vigorously this time.
Nothing.
You ought to be back from your girls date night by now. Unless perhaps you guys had decided to extend the event, dinner turning into a sleepover.Â
No.Â
This wouldâve made sense any other day. Not tonight though.
Surely you knew heâd show up eventually. You had to be in the shower or something.Â
The large window called to him. Fortunately for him, you never remembered to draw the damn shutters.Â
The place was dark. It wouldâve been pitch black without the yellow light of the street lamp behind him. He bent closer, cupping his hands to the side of his face. Shapes lay discarded on the couch.
He squinted. Clothes.Â
No jacket.Â
Of course you went out half-covered again.Â
Or you werenât back yetâŠ
His warm breath escaped in a heave. The cold glass fogged up, blocking his view of your interior.
« Hey, you creep, do you want some help with that ? »Â
He didnât have to look to recognize your annoying upstairs neighbor. He had neither the time nor the patience tonight. « Fuck off. You know damn well my girlfriend lives in there you old fuck. »
The old manâs protests faded into the background as Dongha dialed your number.Â
Straight to voicemail.
Hi, this is ____. Canât pick up right nowâobviously. Or perhaps I just donât want to. Anyway, send a text. Donât leave a message. Nobody listens to those. Bye.
He growled and slammed his palm on your door.
Your neighborâs complaining stopped altogether. The man quickly retreated when his hand started raining down against the wood, rattling the frame.Â
The lock turned and he jumped.
Before he could compose himself, you appeared in the frame, holding the door halfway closed. « Dongha, what the fuck ? »
Your eyes met his, looking huge in your face.
He pushed in and you retreated all the way to your bedroomâs threshold, hugging yourself.
Three long paces later he stood in front of you. His hand reached out, fingers clutched in the stretchy fabric of your pajama top. « This is new. »
It was a wonder you even owned pajamas. Your preferred bedtime attire usually came straight from his dresser.Â
Why the sudden change ?
You unlatched his grip. « Why are you slamming on my door in the middle of the night ? What if someone had called the cops ? »
He shouldâve cared about that. Baekjin definitely would have.Â
His whole face twitched.« Why arenât you answering your phone ? And why was it all dark in here ? »
« I was sleeping. »
« Sleeping ? »
Thin creases appeared on his forehead. « Itâs⊠fucking Valentineâs Day. »
You huffed out a short laugh. « Yes. It was. Yesterday. And I got your message. » Your brows jumped up. « Loud and clear. »
The light spilling from your bedroom cut sharply against the darkened living room where he stood. Your silhouette glowed right at the demarcation.
He narrowed his eyes, blinking fast to make out your shadowed features.
Both of his hands raised. « Iâm here, am I not ? »
The defensive display was no doubt ruined by the impatient tremor in his voice.
Your eyes squinted for a beat. « Right. I donât really feel like playing sex-doll tonight. If youâre gonna leave, please do that now. »
Sex-doll.Â
The word felt like a slap to the face.
It took everything in him to control his next words. « Careful what you wish for, sweetheart. »
To his surprise, no fire rose to the surface.
The questions came out unexpectedly placid. You squeezed your arms harder around yourself. « Or what ? You threatening me ? Either we do this hollow shit or I wonât hear from you anymore ? Is that it ? »
Silence.Â
Your shoulders dropped and your lids fell closed. « Is this enough for you, Dongha ? Really ? »Â
Heâd been trying to make it enough.Â
Trying, and failing.
But you didnât need to know that.
Hands flying to your hair, you clenched your fingers in the tresses, the skin of your forehead visibly pulling back. « I need you to tell me. I need to actually hear what you feel. Please ? I needâI need you to be brave. Just this once. Because if this is what Iâm starting to think it isâŠÂ »
You swallowed, head shaking.Â
« Better than nothing. »
The mutter was so low, he was surprised you managed to hear it over the whir of the fridge.
« You really think so ? Are you happy like that ? Because Iâm really not. And if you are, Iâthis is starting to feel like⊠like youâre taking advantage. »
Heat engulfed his ears. His fingers tingled.Â
He cackled darkly, bridging the gap between your bodies. « Taking advantage ? You started it, remember ? When you got close to me, then used that to seduce my fucking best friend ! »
« Does it look like Iâm trying to elope with Seongmok to you ?! »Â
He could only stare as your thunderous voice rang in the small apartment, the walls barely absorbing the sound.
« We havenât talked or seen each other in so long, Dongha. Deny it all you want, but you shoved the three of us together. Things were actually good for a second there, werenât they ? I got used to having both of you around. And now itâs all gone. I lost a friend that day. Two of them, really. » You pointed to him, head shaking, gaze wet with tears.
« And it hurts. So bad. »Â
Your voice cracked.
Still you pushed through.
Waited for your tears to dry, eyes wide open, boring into his.
« You keep coming around, so I keep hoping that somehow, things might go back to that happy place. But instead, we justâŠÂ »
You gestured back and forth to the two of you, nose scrunching in distaste. « I donât even know what it is that we do. I wake up and youâre gone. I touch you and you recoil. You barely talk to me. So no, thatâs not enough for me. »Â
« This isâ»
He swallowed.
Far from enough, indeed.Â
But the alternative... Â
His lips firmed. « This is all I can give you. »
You gasped.Â
The light from your side shadowed the living room in rapid flashes as your head bobbed up and down.Â
« Youâll never forgive me. You never even planned to try, did you ? »Â
You shook your head, fist squeezing against the spot right between your breasts.Â
Your gaze fell away from his, head dropping in shame.Â
« I shouldâve known. All that was missing was a roll of cash on the fucking nightstand. »
The laugh that escaped you sounded wrong.
Empty.
This time, the sound broke his heart.
He saw it now. What heâd been refusing to accept.Â
The pajamas made you look smaller than heâd ever seen you. The overhead lighting underlined the dark spots on your face. Your shoulders were slumped with the invisible weight youâd been carrying around all this time.
The weight of his own selfish actions. And theyâd left you drained.Â
Humiliated.Â
« I canât do this. Not this way. I love you. »
Your eyes flitted to his before dropping again.
« But I deserve more than that. If youâre gonna leave, then you need to leave now. Before it gets even uglier. You know the way out. »
With that, you spun around and swiftly shut the door, taking the light away with you.
He stood in the blackened room, slowly adjusting to the dark.Â
A single step forward and his fingers landed on the doorknob, frozen.Â
But where to even start ?Â
The guilt was potent. It paralyzed him. Left him scared of saying the wrong thing. Of making the dishonor of his actions even bigger than it already was.Â
« Sheâll be on you the second Iâm out the way. Iâd bet my fucking hand on it. »
Only he pushed you away, and still you stayed.Â
Then he came back, vulnerable, the worst facet of himself on display.Â
And still, you stayed.
Part of him kept waiting for you to leave. So he pushed, and pushed again, until he couldnât tell where fear ended and selfishness began.Â
Consciously or not, it didnât change a thing. Taking advantage was exactly what heâd done.Â
His hand twitched. He needed to say something.
Iâm sorry.Â
The way heâd been actingâŠA hundred sorries wouldnât even begin to cut it.
I love yâ
In the next breath, he stood at your front door, ready to bolt.Â
Again, his hand froze on the handle.Â
Something glinted beside him. He looked down.Â
A key-chain.Â
The street lamp caught on the tulipâs gold stem, throwing light straight into his face.Â
He let his forehead fall against the cold wood.Â
« I need you to be brave. Just this once. »Â
He blew out a long, shaky breath.Â
Step by step, he walked until he stood right before your room.
Thatâs when he heard it. Muffled through two sets of walls.Â
Heâd heard you cry plenty in your year together.Â
This was different.Â
Not heartbreak.Â
Panic.
Before he could think, he was in your bathroom, looming over you.
Curled up on the cold tiles, you pressed a hand over your heart, fighting for air. Choking on your own breath.
His knees weakened and he dropped in front of you, cupping your face gently. « Hey. Hey, ____. Sweetheart, please. »Â
Eyes widening, you flinched when his hands settled on your skin. Hands wrapping around his wrists, your breaths came faster, sharper.Â
Panic climbed up his throat. « Please, donât cry like that. » His voice hitched. « Youâre gonna hurt yourself. »Â
He picked you up, setting you on your bed. Then he settled right next to you, holding you carefully. « Breathe. You need to breathe. »
It took a while, but eventually, the only sound in the room was your slow, deep breathing.Â
No one wouldâve heard you.Â
He squeezed his arms around you. You didnât stir.Â
How many times had no one heard you ?
He squeezed his eyes shut, lips pressing into your hairline. One thing was for sure, he wasnât going anywhere right now.
And heâd definitely be staying the night.
MARCHÂ
Incoming Call : Blossom
The corner of Donghaâs lips kicked up. He exited the grimy warehouse, leaning against the far end of its rusty exterior.
Hey.
Oh ! Hey.
Dongha blinked, stomach clenching.
Did you dial me by mistake or something ?Â
No, I didnât. I justâI wasnât sure youâd pick up. Thought you mightâve been busy or something.
Well, Iâm not. Not too busy for you anyway.
He let the sentence hang in the air.Â
Static met his ear.
He chuckled.
What is it ?
You cleared your throat.
Um, well. Just wanted to tell you, you forgot your charger at my place last week. In case you were looking for it. I guess youâll probably need it at some point, so I donât know if you want to maybe come by. You know, to pick it upâŠ
This pulled a small smirk out of him.Â
You were so obvious.
Keep it. Iâve got another one.
Oh.
The one word oozed with disappointment.Â
He quickly jumped in.
That way, I wonât be risking my life every time I have to disconnect yours before it fully charges.
Silence.
____ ?
Oh, yeah ! Yeah.
You giggled softly.
Finally.
Anyway, that was it. Iâll let you go back toâ
You free tomorrow ?
Tomorrow ?
Yeah. IâI wouldâve dropped by today, but I canât. Itâs...Â
He gulped in air.Â
Here we go.
Itâs Seongmokâs birthday.
He held the breath in. Awaited your answer, bracing for the familiar drop in his stomach.Â
I know. Hope you guys have fun tonight.
Nothing.Â
Genuine care seeped from every word you said. Your tone softened with affection. Even so, the usual tightening in his chest was nowhere to be found.
Huh.
And, yes. Iâm free tomorrow. Did you want to come by ?
He nodded as if you could see him.
Stumbled on this new pastry shop earlier. Thought you might be interested in going ? They had chocolate pudding, lemon tarts⊠red velvet ?
Of course, yeah. Iâm interested. Wouldnât want to miss thatâŠ
He could hear the smile through the phone.
Okay. See you then ?
Mmhmm. See you then. Bye.
Your suave voice twinkled melodically, soothing in his ear.Â
The knot heâd been carrying for weeksâmonths reallyâhadnât fully straightened out. But for the first time, it loosened. The small release allowed him to breathe more easily.Â
To see more clearly.Â
He headed back inside the warehouse, the place less somber than heâd left it.Â
***
Something was wrong with Seongmok.
Dongha stood in the corner as Seongmok delivered the staffâs pay. He stopped before each guy, barely looking at them. White envelope in hand, he waited until they took it, the offering paired with a mechanical « Good job. » He dutifully moved onto the next one, until the end of the line.Â
Then he made it through their to-do list, stone-faced, his efficient moves bordering on automated.
Dongha joined him where he sat on the ratty couch, stiff as ever, stare fixed on the dusty table in front of him. It took a second, but eventually Seongmok snapped out of his stupor, accepting the glass bottle held out in front of him.
The drone of the neon light surrounded them as they drank in silence.Â
« So. »
Seongmok startled, almost imperceptibly. Dongha cleared his throat, gesturing to the deserted warehouse. « Where to ? »
He said nothing, taking in the desolated area, zoning in on the old bikes graveyard on the side.
Dongha sighed. « A+ ? »
Surely a less depressing environment will help.
Without a word, Seongmok grabbed the keys to the lock and double checked that the place was secured before falling in step beside him.
A short trek later, they were dashing straight to Seongje, smoking at their usual spot. His attention lifted from his phone when they sat down, head jerking towards Seongmok. « Happy birthday. »
Seongmok nodded.
And that was that.
Time stretched.
Seongmok barely said ten words in as many minutes. The lively setting made his lack of engagement even more glaring.
Dongha tried to rope him in conversations. His attempts were met with grunts and gestures.Â
A nod.Â
A head shake.
A shrug.Â
The more time passed, the more noncommittal his contributions got.
Until he was nearly unresponsive.Â
Was that him mentally checked out ?
« Seongmok, » They both turned toward the interruptor. « boss is asking for you. » He stood, following behind the worker.
So he was still paying attention.
Dongha stared as he disappeared through the corridor that led to Baekjinâs office.Â
He turned to Seongje, fingers still happily tapping away on the tiny screen.« Somethingâs wrong with Seongmok. »
Seongje met his eyes, eyebrows high on his forehead. His eyes rolled around, considering the statement. « Wrong how ? »Â
Dongha gestured to the empty spot he just vacated. « HeâsâHe didnât say a thing since we sat down. His face hasnât moved once in the last four fucking hours. A boulder would be looser than he is right now. »
Seongje frowned, getting back to his phone, bored. « Okay ? Sounds fine to me. »
Donghaâs eyes widened. « Itâs the guyâs birthday for fuckâs sake. »
« And ? Since when does it change a thing ? »
The dismissal left Dongha blinking, mouth agape.Â
Was he tripping ?
He wracked his brain for memories of past birthdays. Admittedly, for as long as heâd known him, Seongmok hadnât been all that chatty during the occasion. Heâd accept the well wishes, and went about his business, seemingly fine with the lack of attention.
Until last year.Â
The moment replayed in his mind, vividly.
Seongmokâs mask cracking as you pushed the ridiculous gift bag towards him.
The guy had been forging this cool exterior for so long, Dongha hadnât even thought of the possibility of anything ruffling his feathers.
Yet, judging from the deer in the headlights look heâd thrown you. The bashful, almost clumsy way heâd accepted the item. The micro-smile that managed to break through the pretense every time he glanced at the giftâŠ
At some point down the road, Dongha had unconsciously gotten used to the tiny mannerisms that frequently took root on Seongmokâs face.
ââââ
Dongha squeezed into the tight spot on the photo boothâs bench. Half of his ass hung off the corner of the seat and he grumbled, earning an eye-roll from you.
You turned to Seongmok, sitting on your other side, squished against the wall. « Seongmok, tell me why weâre actually hanging with his grumpy ass today ? Keep this up and weâre abandoning you in the haunted house later. »
Donghaâs eyes narrowed, hand going up to shade his eyes from the blinding white light of the cabin. This was plain rage-bait.Â
Seongmok bit his lip, giving him a pointed look.
You picked a filter amongst the options on the screen and gripped Donghaâs arm, pulling him closer to you. « Okay, here we go. And I better see some smiles from each of you on at least one of these photos or Iâll be carving them with a knife when weâre out. »
Seongmokâs eyebrow jumped on his forehead, eyes swiveling to his in alarm. He simply shook his head and rolled his eyes.
He complied nonetheless.
As soon as the pictures were taken, you pushed him out of the booth, rushing to pick the bands out of the slot.
You jumped excitedly, snapping a pic of the photos with your phone. « Oh Seongmok, you are practically beaming ! »
Then you turned to Dongha, demeanor sobering theatrically. « Now you⊠I donât know if this is a grin or a grimace, but Iâm putting these in my story as they are. Shouldâve listened when I told your ass to smile. »
You slapped the pictures to his chest, swiveled and resumed your tour of the fair.
He took a look at the pictures. The last one caught his attention. Your head was tilted, fake cat ears peaking over your hair from the filter.
His own face was comically twisted, the bearing of his teeth anything but gleeful.
He took a look at Seongmok and, sure enough, his lips were tipped up, the fake blush marks making his face appear cheerfully flushed.Â
Coming from him, this was almost beaming indeed.
ââââ
Seongmok reclaimed his place next to Dongha, reaching for Seongjeâs lighter.
The question popped out, almost appalled. « Fuck happened to the Zippo ? »
Seongmok froze.
Cigarette dangling from his lips, his eyes locked in on Donghaâs. He looked down at Seongjeâs lighter in his clenched hand. Lighting up the frail flame, he pulled it towards the stick. Shadows and smoke danced around, shaded his his face as he answered.
« Ran out of gas. »
Seongje snorted. « Thatâs what lighter fluid is for. Whole concept of a fucking Zippo. »
Donghaâs stare didnât leave Seongmok. The tight jaw betrayed his mounting agitation.
Probably why he didnât respond, gaze locked away from them.Â
Seongje lit up a cigarette of his own. Leaned all the way back against the chair, he propped his head back, blowing his smoke up towards the ceiling. « Great fucking gifts wasted on you dumbasses. »Â
He rubbed his stomach. « Argh, so fucking hungry. »Â
A smirk spread onto his features. « Shame the brat isnât there anymore. Couldâve been on my fifth slice of whatever cakes she wouldâve managed to swindle out of Baekjin by now. » He chuckled to himself.
Donghaâs breath caught. His own birthday came to mind.Â
You and Seongje bumping heads at the cake table, bickering like siblings.
Seongmok joining your side. And remaining there.
Heâd covertly observed from the side as youâd talked Seongmokâs ear off until he had looked more and more relaxed.Â
Truthfully, warmth had spread through his chest at the scene at first.Â
It was short-lived.Â
The feeling turned foul for the first time, when he noticed Seongmok doing most of the talking. He gave the two of you a different kind of attention altogether when Seongmok let out a full on belly-laugh.Â
Heartburn.Â
Acid flooded his stomach.
His vision tunneled, surroundings fading away. Even with him, he couldnât remember a day heâd seen him so⊠carefree. Especially not in a setting as public as this one.
Thatâs when he saw it.
You stared at Seongmok, mouth ajar, as captivated by the vision as he was himself. His stomach churned as he watched you.
Discomfort had nestled deep inside of him like a parasite. It poisoned every memory the three of you had made. Left him paranoid, dissecting every past interaction until they tasted like bile.Â
Eventually, he used the reconstitutions as evidence, confirming the most twisted narrative he could come up with.
How much longer until they see it ?
Only they did see it.Â
And they stayed far away from each other.Â
All for his sake.Â
He should have felt relieved.
He took in Seongmokâs rigid frame again. The complete silence. The shrugs. The grunts.Â
They wouldâve looked fine.Â
A year ago.
« Thatâs why having female friends is so important. Thatâs so sad. I swear. »
And it was.Â
The amused frowns. The lip twitches. The smirks.
The laughs.
These moments all had one thing in common.
You.Â
Youâd worked for every last one of them. Day after day, youâd carved a little more at the marble of his face. By paying attention. By being soft in a way they were never allowed to be.
Not to replace Dongha. But because that was who you were.Â
Making people feel safe enough to care.
Just like you did with him, youâd found Seongmok and drew him out of his cave, straight into the sunlight.
And just like him, Seongmok had never stood a chance.
Despite that, he cut you completely off.
No hesitation.
For him.
Even so, now thatâd heâd seen him bask in the sun, that same darkness looked unbearable.Â
The surrounding noise rushed back into Donghaâs ears.
Seongmok frowned but stood nonetheless, following Dongha out of the building.
***
Seongmok walked a short pace behind Dongha, grateful for the fresh air.
For some reason, the agitation of the bowling alley had been suffocating tonight.
From the moment he woke up, thoughts were jumbling inside his head, making it difficult for him to focus. By the time Dongha tapped his shoulder, the neon lights, the cackles, the smell of sweat mingling with alcohol. All of it had frayed his nerves to the point of numbness.
So he was grateful for the evening stroll, the cold breeze helping to cool him down some.Â
His steps stuttered when a familiar station came into view. The metro stop was the closest one to your place.
A year ago, he wouldâve walked right past it, never knowing this particular spot would someday hold so much significance in his life.Â
ââââ
Seongmokâs back was propped against the tiled wall. He took a peek at the huge shopping bag at his feet, the corner of his mouth lifting as he secured the baby pink plushie pillow hanging perilously at the edge.
« Iâm not buying it. I need to actually pay attention in class and not sleep on adorable Pokemon pillows. »
Thatâs what youâd said.
Yet, you clutched it the entire time the three of you spent in the furniture store, eying the fluffy creature with a sad frown when you guys reached the register.Â
Narrowing his eyes at you, Dongha pulled it from the cradle of your arms, then plopped it right on top of the other items.
He handed you cash to pay and joined him on the other side of the cashier.
Seongmok stifled a smile while they filled the shopping bags with your purchases. He liked to criticize him, but at the end of the day, Dongha indulged you almost as much as he did.
He just grumbled a lot while doing it.Â
« Argh fuck ! Itâs so fucking hot. I need a minute. Just thinking of carrying this big ass bag around for fifteen more goddamn minutes is enough to fucking kill me. »
Dongha cast a side-eye in your direction. « Did you really have to buy the whole store ? »
You didnât pay Dongha any mind, staring straight ahead.
« I canât believe Summerâs almost over. Time really does fly. Itâs like we blinked and suddenly, poof : September. »
The whole day, youâd been running around, practically electrified with excitement.
Now though, there was something about the wistful expression painted on your face. Or perhaps it was the bittersweet edge to your voice.Â
Seongmok tilted his head. « Are you sad or actually relieved to go back to school ? I canât tell. »
You hummed then your shoulder jumped. « Iâm happy. Was starting to go crazy with all that free time on my hands. »
Dongha chuckled. « Yeah. Tell me about it. » You pushed him affectionately and he caught your hands, kissing them.
You turned back to Seongmok, teeth clamping down on your lips. « Iâm a bit⊠I donât know, apprehensive maybe ? Iâm mostly alone there since⊠you know. Would be great to meet people that donât make me want to punch myself in the throat. »
Seongmok nodded. « I have no doubt you will. And even if you donât, you already have friends. Youâre not alone. Weâre right there. »
You beamed at him. « Promise ? »Â
A huff escaped him when you held out a pinky. He wound his around it.Â
A mischievous glint entered your eyes. « I have an idea ! »
Dongha sighed. « Oh, Lord. »
You punched his arm. Then you pushed him forcefully until he leaned away from you.
« Ouch. Hey, what the fuck ? »Â
« Move ! Scoot over. Seongmok, come here. » You gestured for him to take a seat in the spot you freed next to you.
The three of you stared at your reflections on your phone.Â
Cue, another one of Donghaâs protests. « Oh, fuck. Not again. What is it with you and fucking pictures ? »
You shushed him. « Iâll take a picture every time Iâm at this station this year, no matter who Iâm here with. »
You nodded decidedly and immortalized the moment.
Then you looked at the snapshot fondly. « And that way, Iâll always remember it started right here with you two. And right before the school year started too. »
The picture went straight to your story.
ââââ
Looking back, it felt cruel. To know that this was one of the last easy days.Â
Before everything shifted.Â
Before it all crumbled.
« You just had to go andâerase everything ? You just took me out of the equation. Like that. »
Only he hadnât. He hadnât been able to stop worrying. To stop wondering.Â
To stop caring.
Fortunately for him, you did keep your promise. And so before even realizing it, he started his own ritual.Â
At the end of each long day, he lay in bed, thumb finding the colorful icon almost automatically. And every other day, his heart would kick a bit faster when the bright circle adorned your profile picture, announcing a new story.
He clicked, eager to see the familiar white and blue tiles pop up on his screen. A frame for the snippets of your life you volunteered to the outside world to catch.Â
He looked and recognized exhaustion in the dark circles etched under your eyes. He hoped theyâd fade away.Â
They didnât. At first.
Until some girl with a radiant smile and big sparkly eyes started appearing more and more often. A second girl joined you soon after. Her smile was quieter, shyer, but no less warm. Your own smile grew more frequent. And with it, the sad lines smoothed out some.
So you did meet your people after all. Good.
Somewhere down the road, he stopped looking for signs you were getting better. He watched simply to see you.
« I think I also love you⊠Seongmok »
âHe deleted the app that same night.Â
A honk blared, the sound stretching out for a few seconds.
Seongmok and Dongha both halted, attention veering to the vehicleâs window as it slid down, revealing the red-faced driver. The man bellowed an expletive, his insults aimed towards a passing biker recklessly swerving in between cars. He dropped back down to his seat and took off, furious, tires screeching on the pavement.Â
Dongha chuckled lightly, before crossing the street.
Seongmok followed, stride steady, only to pause when he recognized the pharmacy at the other side of the street.
« You coming ? »
He traipsed back to Donghaâs trail, absorbed in his thoughts again as he glanced back at the tiny shop.
ââââ
Seongmokâs scraped knuckles throbbed as his hand wrapped around Donghaâs arm. « You sure this is a good idea ? »
Dongha let his arm fall away from the door. « Donât worry, she wonât kick us out. » He scratched his head. « I hope. »
Seongmok shook his head. « Thatâs not what I mean. Sheâs going to freak out. » He gestured to Donghaâs eye, almost swollen shut.
Dongha huffed out a long breath. « Do we really have a choice ? If the cops see you with your shirt full of blood, theyâll get to asking questions. If they start asking questions, then weâll for sure be spending the night in a cell. »
Seongmok felt his nose scrunch briefly.Â
« Look, she sure wonât like that. But Baekjin will like us being in trouble with the police even less. I have clothes here. Weâll get changed and just leave. »
He considered their options briefly. There were none.
So he nodded once and Dongha knocked, wasting no time.
His stomach clenched when he heard footsteps shuffling behind the door.Â
As expected you freaked out as soon as you opened it. Whole body frozen, you took in Donghaâs deformed face.
Then you zoomed in on the blood smeared all over his shirt.Â
Panic set in and your gasp was so deep, you couldâve just as well have sucked all the air from the room. You rushed them inside of your apartment, ordering them around like a drill sergeant.Â
Dongha was ordered to sit immediately, a bag of frozen green beans shoved into his hand. You gestured for him to press it onto his eye before zooming in and out of your bedroom, a dark blue T-shirt in your hand.Â
You held it out and appointed him straight to your bathroom, eyes big with worry. « You go clean up, Seongmok. »Â
He wordlessly took it, careful not to stain the clean fabric with the crimson on his hands. Your eyes rounded even more when you zoned in on the scrapes there and he fled to the tiny room.Â
He emerged only to find himself staring at your wet gaze.Â
He knew this was a bad idea.
« I donât even have any supplies to take care of these type of wounds. What the hell were you guys doing ? »
Dongha rolled his eyes. « Oh, this is nothing ! Stop worrying so much. We only came here to get cleaned up. Donât worry weâll be out of your hair now. »
Seongmok watched as the two of you went back and forth some more, each of you stuck on a different argument.Â
« Donât make a fucking mountain out of it. Fuck. »
« A mountain ? Dongha your right eye is swollen shut. Seongmok came in here with a shirt full of blood. And Iâm overreacting ? »
The table wobbled when Seongmok picked up his phone and you stopped long enough for him to speak out. « ____. Iâll go fetch what you need. » He shook the device. « Just send me a list and Iâll bring whatever. »
He hurried out of your apartment and Googled the closest pharmacy from your place. Once there, he bought all he could think would be helpful for treating wounds.Â
He almost ran back to your place.Â
He knocked and you opened half a second later, snatching the bag from him, visibly appeased as you sat next to Dongha to treat the cuts and bruises on his face.
He sat on a barstool, a couple paces away from the two of you, watching as your nimble fingers worked on soothing his friendâs injuries. Your forehead was as tense as Donghaâs, as if you physically hurt from seeing him in pain.Â
He looked away and noticed for the first time how cosy your living room looked. The fluffy pillows on the couch, scented candles spread around the room. They smelled soft, comforting. Netflix Home Screen played a kaleidoscope from some brightly colored movie.
Dongha was right, they had to get out of your hair. They looked out of place, with their blood and their bruises. Hopefully you wouldnât be too bothered to relax after they were gone.Â
You got up from the couch and he straightened.
You pushed him back down, setting the medicine down on the counter, prepared to work on his own wounds. Heat travelled up his back and he shook his head. « Thereâs no need. I usually let these heal on their own. Itâs okay, they fade away eventually. »
You frowned, the same concerned stare you were giving Dongha settled on him and his muscles locked. « Yes, they do. And they do so much faster if they are tended to. More beautifully too. »
You got busy preparing the utensils, determined to use them on him as well.Â
He swallowed, body angled away from you until Dongha grumbled. « Just let her do her thing. No point in arguing with her when she gets like that. Youâre only delaying your fate. »
Just like that, Seongmok ended up sitting under your hands as well.Â
He clenched and unclenched his fingers, the throbbing distracting him from having you standing so close. He focused on the sterile scent of the cotton you dabbed on his skin, stare fixed on the wall behind you. His face tingled as your soft fingers brushed various solutions and creams over his skin.
After a while, his shoulders relaxed and each time his eyelids fell closed, it was harder to get them to open back up.Â
« All done. »
You took a deep, settling breath.Â
Finally.
You looked way calmer than when theyâd arrived. Still, your voice shook as you commented. « There was so much blood on your shirt, I was worried the wound would be much worse. »
He clenched his fingers. « Brow bones bleed a lot. »
You nodded, gawking at his hands. He hid his mauled skin in his pockets.Â
Popping open the pain-killers container, you held two tablets out to him. « Take these. »
He blinked. « Iâm good. It barely hurts. »
« But it does. So take them. You donât have to deal with everything on your own you know. Sometimes itâs okay to get help, Seongmok. »
You shook your hand and he accepted the pills. You smiled, pushing a water bottle his way before joining Dongha back on the couch.
ÂŽÂŽÂŽÂŽ
Seongmok stared at the back of Donghaâs head, reflecting on heir whole journey to where they were now.
They started fighting to be left alone. And somehow, it worked too well. Before they knew how, they were embedded into the union as two of its most important members. Then the violence, the blood. It all became so normal.Â
Habitual.Â
A perfect circle.
They got used to the same pain that they wanted to avoid in the first place. To the never-ending string of cuts and bruises.
Not everyone was used to that level of brutality though.Â
You certainly werenât.
So much so that even when emotions were at their highest, you paid attention to the tiniest damage. Whether it be an eye swollen shut, a scraped knuckle.Â
A fading bruiseâŠ
Another memory surfaced.
Broken glass. Yellow streetlight.
Your breathing uneven, rage radiating off your body.Â
Then your eyes shiftedâlanded on him. Your fingers brushed his jaw.Â
He remembers stepping back.
Too quickly.Â
Not before something tightened behind his ribs. He didnât know what it wasânothing worth inspecting.
At the time, he told himself it was because he just wasnât used to being fussed over.
Looking back though, maybe he just hadnât expected simple tenderness to hurt way more than the fading mark on his skin.
And so every time you paid attention, every time you noticed, the pang grew sharper and sharper.Â
Until it was too deep. And he had to retreat altogether.
« Youâre a coward. »
Maybe you werenât entirely wrong.
Funny.
Even the cruelest thing you ever called him lasted less than a second. Then you looked at him as if you regretted saying it before the word had even fully left your mouth.
Youâd looked even more upset about hurting him than heâd allowed himself to be.
Seongmok stopped sharp, breath catching.
They rounded the corner, and he recognized the familiar street. Your building was right at the end of it, the lamppost shining its warm light over your entrance.
Dongha stopped and waited until Seongmok met his gaze.Â
With a small nod, he jerked his head toward your door.
Seongmokâs mouth dried out and he led the way up the stairs.
Heat crawled up his legs and settled in his damp palms. He blew out a breath.Â
His finger pressed the tiny button.Â
Your bell rang.
***
The door opened.
Relief came before thought could catch up and a knot in his chest unwound.Â
A shaky hand covered your neck and you gaped in shock.
Your eyes widened in alarm, the feeling quickly abated when you spotted Dongha standing right behind him.
Your whole expression softened.
An incredulous titter escaped and he remembered how much heâd missed the sound.Â
« Happy birthday. »
For half a second, his gaze caught on the familiar movement of your mouth.Â
« Thankâ» Your hand lowered, baring your neck. «âyouâŠÂ »
His stomach dropped.Â
There was less softness to your chin, the slope still delicate, albeit too sharp. Then there were your collarbones. They stood out more than he remembered.
A big smile lit up your face, radiant enough to stun him out of his stupor. « Wait here ! »Â
You dashed into your apartment, the door sliding open behind you.
Seongmokâs head swiveled towards Dongha.Â
How ?
Dongha averted his gaze, jaw clenching.Â
No words needed.
A throat cleared and he turned back to the door, noticing the two familiar faces.Â
He knew them well. On the other hand, they didnât know him.Â
Or maybe they did.
The way their expressions hardened at the sight of them told him all he needed to know. Whether they had a problem with him or with Dongha, he had no idea. Whoever their ire was directed at, they clearly hated their guts.
As they should.
From what he had seen just now, they were completely justified.
An uncomfortable minute later, you popped out of your room, a simple bag in hand. You held it out towards him with a shy smile. « Um. I meant to give this to Dongha the other day to give to you, but I⊠I forgot. »
Forgot.
Right.
Just like the first time you offered him a gift, his mind blanked.Â
This time though, you patiently waited for him to grab the handle and uncover the gift for himself.
He pulled out the bottle.
Lighter fluid.
« Great fucking gifts wasted on you dumbasses. »
His hand tightened around the bottle.
Perhaps not after all.
Your head dropped against the doorjamb, and a whoosh of the soft scent from your apartment travelled into his nose. Warmth spread around his chest and some invisible tension loosened.Â
His lips tipped up.
« Thank you, ____. »
You nodded, then focused on Dongha. You greeted him with a breathless, « Hey. »
Dongha kept his voice steady, acting like what heâd just done meant nothing at all. « Hey. Still see you tomorrow ? »
The watery laugh betrayed how touched you were by the whole moment though. « Of course. » Your answer was barely audible.
They were already down your front steps when you called out. « Dongha ! »
They both turned to see you pad barefooted down the stairs.
You touched your hands to Donghaâs jaw and pulled him down to press your lips on his cheek. « Thank you. »
The lines in his forehead disappeared and he chuckled. « Didnât want you to miss this. I know you love a birthday. »
Seongmok exhaled, some of the crippling guilt he was now used to carrying easing down some.
Somehow, despite everything, not everything had been lost in the wreckage.
Good.Â
They blinked and you were already hopping back up the stairs.
Dongha cursed softly, pointing to your naked feet. « Donât do that anymore, youâll hurt yourself. Could be broken glass around or something. »
You giggled. « Sorry. Bye. »
Seongmok watched as Dongha started off.
He stayed rooted to his spot, deliberately this time.
Dongha stopped and they stared for a short moment.Â
« Thank you. »
Dongha scowled and turned back around, giving him his back. « Whatever. Was tired of the fucking frown. »
Sooooo... I might've toyed with y'all a little in my last post đ That snippet was misleading AF đ But it seems like we did after all find our spine back !
@mentality-project I can confirm that a pussy diet was in fact put in place after Dongha's bullshitting ways đ
This took forever to release but it's also the longest piece yet !
Don't know if you've noticed but I added a title this time because I've been posting the story on AO3 (the link is in the MASTERLIST by the way) and I've had to add little titles for each chapter there. Then when I found this one II thought it was too good not to share here :)
I might go back to the other chapters to add the titles there as well...
Anyway, let me know what you thought after this roller-coaster of a chapter ! đ
Head hunched, his knuckles rapped on your door. Here goes nothing.
A full minute went by.
He knocked, vigorously this time.
Nothing.
You ought to be back from your girls date night by now. Unless perhaps you guys had decided to extend the event, dinner turning into a sleepover.
No.
This wouldâve made sense any other day. Not tonight though. Surely you knew heâd show up eventually.
You had to be in the shower or something.
The large window called to him. Fortunately for him, you never remembered to draw the damn shutters.
The place was dark. It wouldâve been pitch black without the yellow light of the street lamp behind him. He bent closer, cupping his hands to the side of his face. Shapes lay discarded on the couch. He squinted. Clothes.
No jacket.
Of course you went out half-covered again.
Or you werenât back yetâŠ
His warm breath escaped in a heave. The cold glass fogged up, blocking his view of your interior.
« Hey, you creep, do you want some help with that ? »
He didnât have to look to recognize your annoying upstairs neighbor. He had neither the time nor the patience tonight. « Fuck off. You know damn well my girlfriend lives in there you old fuck. »
The old manâs protests faded into the background as Dongha dialed your number.
Straight to voicemail.
Hi, this is ____. Canât pick up right nowâobviously. Or perhaps I just donât want to. Anyway, send a text. Donât leave a message. Nobody listens to those. Bye.
He growled and slammed his palm on your door. Your neighborâs complaining stopped altogether. The man quickly retreated when his hand started raining down against the wood, rattling the frame.
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Not sure why it's a new trend among fic readers to assume if the fic has not been posted within the week it's inappropriate to comment on it, like the fic has to be hot out of the oven to give feedback for.
I got a comment on a fic that is less than a year old and it was mostly an apology for being a comment on an "old fic" and how late they were in commenting.
Just comment on the fic. Doesn't matter how old it is.
Allows you to choose the origin of where you want the name to be from, whether you want a more feminine vs masculine vs androgenous name (as voted by users), random surname generator, and clicking on the name gives you important info like if there are any famous people with the same name, where itâs from, how common it is, and how people tend to see it, etc.
You can also search their name database by letter or meaning or origin, so if you know you want a character who has a name/surname that starts with an A from Ireland, thereâs a whole list for you to choose from.
Census sites
Especially useful if youâre looking for a name from a specific place and/or time period. Just search â(country) census (year)â and youâll find a database of real people who lived in that place at that time. No one can ever call your names unrealistic again.
For coming up with place names:
Fantasy name generator
This site can basically come up with any name for any person, place, or thing you might ever need. There are also specific generators for different fandoms if youâre looking to make an OC in an established world.
For finding that one word on the tip of your tongue:
One Look Thesaurus
This is my go-to. Not only can you find synonyms like a regular thesaurus, but you can also describe words like âunhappy smileâ or âquiet laughâ to find the more specific word youâre looking for.
For coming up with ideas:
Word cloud
When I need to inspire a new idea, I write down all the things Iâm interested in (hauntings, academia, lesbians, etc.) and put them into a word cloud to shuffle them next to each other. Sometimes seeing a concept in a new context can spark new ideas!
WWF Discord
This is my discord channel (shameless plug) for when you need to brainstorm off other people but donât have anyone irl to talk to. Weâre also happy to read and give feedback on writing, answer writing questions, or just chat!
For visualizing places and characters:
Pinterest
Pinterest can at times be a bit too sterile for my tastes, but if you use the right words, you can find more realistic photos of places. For example, adding âaestheticâ after basically any word will bring up a more broad collection of photos to help you flesh out places.
This is also a great way to find photos of people and fashion to help visualize characters. Iâm bad at describing clothes, so I usually collect photos of outfits to help me know what my characters are wearing. Searching up âcharacter inspirationâ will collect more interesting photos and drawings of people who might not exactly be of our world.
(However, to make Pinterest not show you AI results, you have to go into your settings and check the âreduce AIâ box. Luckily, it does mostly work.)
Death to Stock
Like pinterest but completely AI free (hooray!) Only drawback is that you have to pay a monthly subscription (about $20 CAD).
Cosmos
Very similar to pinterest but slightly more "artsy". I'm not super familiar with this one but I believe all the photos are human and you can save them and create collections with a free account.
Dupe Photos
Royalty-free stock image site with very Pinterest-core photos!
Minecraft
If you havenât built your entire fictional city in Minecraft instead of writing, why not? Itâs fun.
The Sims
This one is dual purpose because you can not only create your characters in Create a Sim, but you can design their houses. If you really want to go for it, you can bulldoze all the lots in your town and build your world from scratch.
For checking grammar:
Grammar Girl
Easy to follow definitions and examples, and if you learn better by listening, every article comes with a podcast to follow along with instead.
Grammar Monster
This one is my favourite for checking grammar rules because thereâs tons of examples in graphics that helps for any situation.
Reedsy
Among other things, reedsy can connect you to professional editors within your budget.
For writing advice:
One Stop for Writers
This one was recommended from my discord channel and has all sorts of tutorials and resources for the writing craft.
My Blog Directory
Another shameless plug, but if you need writing advice on something specific, you can search through my directory to see if itâs there. If it isnât, you can always send me an ask about it!
For an alternative to Google Docs:
Ellipsus
Think google docs but without AI. Yay!
(will update this list with any more suggestions or resources I discover đ)
things I wonât let ai take away from human writers
em dash
ânot x, not y, but zâ
short sentence stacking as a stylistic choice
none of these belong to ai. these are all what human writers have been writing since day one, way before ai was invented. ai was trained to mimic how human writers write â so em dash, not x not y but z and short sentence stacking would never have been used by ai at all if ai hadnât learned and mimicked them from human writers.
no, you are not âfighting against aiâ by accusing every work that has em dash, not x not y but z or short sentence stacking in it as ai-generated, you are helping ai harm the writing community by engaging in witch hunt and scaring human writers away from creating/sharing their works for fear of being wrongly accused of using ai.
speculations, accusations and ai witch hunt harm the writing community as much as ai does, if not more.
I write adult content and treat grown themes so MDNI (18+). Iâm sure Iâll forget to list some triggers but Iâll try my best not to do so!
(Part. 5) // (Part. 7)
Genre ~ Angst, Smut is back guys
Summary ~ Reader meets Dongha and Seongmok. Little by little, sheâs sucked into their duo, the distinction between the two more and more difficult to make.
Warnings ~ canon divergence (the union wasnât dissolved), AU (the characters are older, towards end if UNI), cussing, violence, sexual themes,
wc ~ 8.6 k
Song suggestion : « Wish I was comfortable just with myself, but I need you. »
A/n ~ Reader is referred to as « ____ »
As always, reblog, like and COMMENT ! I love to talk with you guys đ„°
I guess this one has a bit of fluff to it if you squint ? Call it angsty fluff đ€·đŸââïž I can't seem to be able to write a non angsty bit đ
I planned to release this with February and March but then I realized this probably worked better as a standalone. So I cut the part in two and decided to gift you January a little earlier đ„°
The comments might've motivated me a bit (a LOT) so thank you to all of those who took the time to give me some feedback đ„č it feels good to read your thoughts especially since I feel like Dongha and Seongmok don't get much love out there, poor babies
Anyway, I'l stop rambling now, enjoy :)
JANUARY
« Five ! Four ! Three ! Two ! One ! HAPPY NEW YEAR ! »
Dongha actively ignored the commotion around him, his fingers clawed in the dedicated slots of the bowl.Â
In typical New Years fashion, the alley was packed full of college students tonight. Perpetually bored, Dongha usually thrived in chaos. Not tonight. Tonight, the ruckus straight up unsettled him. He hadnât even felt like leaving the house. He hadnât felt like leaving the house for weeks now.Â
Not sinceâ
He hurled the bowl, watching as it travelled the long aisle. It completed its journey, taking out two measly pins with it before being swept away by the automated machinery.Â
He couldnât even conjure up enough energy to pretend like he was disappointed by his overall score. As bad as it was, he ought to be at least a little embarrassed. Heâd get heckled by the guys for some time after his poor performances.
Even ____ couldâve done a better job.Â
He gestured to the rest of the group. « Iâm done. Been playing like absolute shit anyway. » He ignored their annoyed grunts and complaints, heading straight to the benches in the corner.Â
His gaze prowled, in search of Seongmok. He was nowhere to be found.
One year. Apparently that was all it took for oneâs life to change drastically. Three hundred and sixty-five days.Â
Saying it like that put things into perspective. That was three hundred and sixty-five opportunities to twist oneâs habits, even if just a fraction. Pour a drop of water into a jug today and it will look identical as the day before. Compare the levels a year apart, the change will seem abysmal.
A year ago, all Dongha had to do to find Seongmok, was look to his right. Nowadays though, the guy had made it a habit to just⊠vanish.Â
Perhaps he was âbusyâ. With youâNope. Not going there.
Head shaking, he slouched in the seat and unlocked his phone. Before he could think to restrain himself, the familiar profile picture was taunting him in the bubble on top of his screen. He clicked it and the picture popped up. He was struck by the memory, thrown back in time.
""He watched from the bed as you bent over the sink. Your arm shook, drowned in the big sleeve of his light grey shirt. You paired it with basketball shorts thatâsurpriseâalso belonged to him. If you kept going like that, heâd have to walk around buck naked by the end of the year. The items were already oversized on him. On you, they were so loose that you had to readjust the collar so that your tit didnât pop out of the top, and you held the bottoms with a hand to prevent them from falling to the ground. The look was a mess. And yet, it was one of his favorite outfits on you.Â
He hopped up out of bed, snatched his phone on the nightstand, and opened the camera app. You gagged for the hundredth time as you pushed the toothbrush way too far down on your tongue and he rolled his eyes, chuckling. At the sound, you turned, finding him holding up the phone, camera facing you. You held a hand up to hide your face, greenish white paste spread all around your mouth. « Tokkha SHTAP ! »Â
Too late. Heâd snapped the picture.
You spit half of the foam in the bowl before jumping on him, smooching pasty kisses all over him. « Delete this ! »
He ducked, doing his best to avoid your mouth. « Argh ! ____, thatâs fucking gross ! »
The both of you keeled over and he wrapped himself around you to take the brunt of the fall, grunting on impact.Â
You attacked his lips and he wiped the minty paste, his fake frown barely credible.
« You just shoved your tongue through my lips like, twenty minutes ago babe. » A mischievous smirk twisted your lips and you bent, speaking in his ear. « Both sets of them. » You popped back up, braced against his stomach. The collar of the shirt dropped dangerously low. « A little toothpaste ainât gonna kill you, right ? »
You giggled right into his mouth and he leaned back, disgruntled. « Something funny ? »
You snickered. « I bet thereâs a kink for it. Or at least a specific name. What do you think itâs called ? »
He stared for a second. The cackle overtook him. « What ? »
You pushed on his shoulder. « Think about it babe ! Thereâs a name for everything. And I do mean, literally. Any. Thing. Some of the stuff I heard on TikTok scarred me for life. So thereâs definitely a name for this. » You gestured between the two of you. « The moroccan smooch maybe ? They do love them some mint over thereâŠÂ »
He watched as you genuinely started brainstorming a bunch of names. A smile teased his lips as he took in the toothpaste crust on your shirt.Â
Your mind amazed him sometimesâŠ""
He cursed under his breath, wiping a hand down his face when he felt the ghost of a smile lingering on his lips. Fist clenching around the device, he shoved it in his pocket. His tense fingers gripped the bench underneath him.Â
The phone burned through his pants. His nerves fired-up and an antsy feeling travelled up and down his legs.Â
Until he caved.
The screen lit-up to the same thread heâd read, re-read, and then read again for the past three weeks and counting.
Twenty-four days, twenty-one hourâHe gripped his hair and blew out a breath.
You : Baby can you please call me back. -Dec. 8th, 10:01 A.M.
You : I meant what I said. I love you. -Dec. 8th, 8:00 P.M.
You : This is not how we end Dongha. I canât accept that. -Dec. 12th, 4:32 A.M.
You : Dongha please ? I need to talk to you. -Dec. 13th, 11:45 P.M.
You : We need to talk. Things got out of hand and we both let emotions get the best of us. We can work this out. -Dec. 15th, 9:58 A.M.
You : Donât give up on us. -Dec. 15th, 10:05 A.M.
You : Wtf? You got me fucking BANNED ? From A+ ? You son of a fucking bitch! I tell yuou I love you and what do I get ? You call me a ucking joke ? You have your fucking gorillas barring the entrance to the bowling alley like Iâm some crazy psycho bitch fuck you. I fucking hate you. -Dec. 20th, 10:13 P.M.
You : I hate you -Dec. 21st, 12:03 A.M.
You : I hate you -Dec. 21st, 12:03 A.M.
You : I fucking hate you -Dec. 21st, 5:25 A.M.
You : Iâm sorry -Dec. 21st, 1:35 P.M.
You : I didnât mean to say that Iâm sorry -Dec. 21st, 1:36 P.M.
You : Voice note (1min46) -Dec. 21st, 1:38 P.M.
You : Voice note (58sec) -Dec. 21st, 1:40 P.M.
You : Voice note (5min01) -Dec. 21st, 2:07 P.M.
You : Merry Christmas -Dec. 25th, 1:11 A.M.
His thumb hovered over the play button on the first voice note. Truth be told, he hadnât listened to them.Â
Ignoring texts was easy. Well, heâd almost caved and showed up right at your door a couple dozen times since he left. At least once a day.Â
So the texts definitely hadnât helped. But he could read your words and go about his day, relatively stable. Holding onto his anger, while still reassured that the thread between the two of you hadnât been severed. He couldnât bring himself to listen to your voice, though. Just like he couldnât risk running into you. He didnât trust himself not to fall right back into your clutches if he did.Â
So yes, he mightâve strongly intended thereâd be broken bones if any of the workers ever let you inside the safety of these walls. Until the mere thought of you didnât have him yearning for your delicate hands in his hair. The sweet sound of your laugh. The soft warmth of your skin under his cheek as he laid on your stomach. The enticing smell ofâ
« Are you all broody because you suck at this ? » Dongha blinked the haze away to find an unfamiliar figure in front of him. He looked up and the girl smiled. Something about it was weird. Still, she looked good. Very good in fact. Objectively.Â
He ogled her, hardly subtle in his once-over.Â
Best way to get over a girl ? Getting right on top of another. This one was a perfect candidate.
He put on a half-smirk. « You saw that ? »
« It was difficult to miss. Unfortunately for you. » She laughed.Â
It was like nails on a chalkboard. A grimace pulled at his face.Â
Movement in his peripheral caught his attention. Seongmok entered the alley, stopping in his tracks when he spotted Dongha and his current companion. Cue the disapproval.Â
Whatever. Had he looked for his approval when he started crushing onâonly he really didâŠÂ
Enough.Â
The details didnât matter much. Not anymore. A one and done. That was what he needed. That was his thing.
Mind made up, Dongha returned to the conversation at hand. The smile was difficult to pull off. The muscles in his face too accustomed to sulking by now.
No wonder Seongmok never smiles. If thatâs how it feels like after only three weeks of mopingâtwenty-four days, twenty-two houâfuck ! Get it together.
So he entertained her. To her credit, she seemed great.Â
Pretty. Quick-witted. Even kind of funny. Sheâd probably make some lucky bastard very happy someday.
Not him, though. He couldnât help but bristle at her laugh. That and her smile. Too⊠teethy ? Also, she didnât give him enough eye contact. And when she did, she blinked too fast. And her perfume was too flowery. Or perhaps too sweet. Not warm enough. The balance was all wrong.
Who fucking cares.
He wasnât out hunting for a wife. He should be all over her. Who cared about a laugh. Or a perfume.Â
The old him didnât. But she was exactly twelve months too late.Â
He cut into whatever she was saying. « Can we kiss ? » The question surprised her. Pleasantly, if the saccharine smile was anything to go off of.Â
She nodded. « I thought youâd never ask. »
He didnât think. Simply went for it. Their lips met and thenâŠÂ
Nothing.
Her lips were soft, heâd give her that. The taste of liquor mingled with the fruity lip balm sheâd applied mid-conversation. It wasnât unpleasant. But that was it.Â
He felt nothing.Â
His mind wandered.Â
You wouldâve already had his neck in your grip by now. Nails sifting through the sensitive hair there.
He deepened the kiss, pressing his eyes closed tighter. Then he grew bored. Stopped moving altogether, the appeal totally gone.
If that was the kiss, thenâŠ
Their mouths separated, and the girlâhe didnât even remember her nameâtouched a hand to her lips, perplexed.Â
« Sorry sweetheartâI⊠Not tonightâŠÂ » He sighed, rubbing the kiss off with the back of his hand.
« I seeâŠÂ » She zoned in on his hands, still scrubbing his lips dry. A thought had her frowning, leaning away from him. « Girlfriend ? »
He hesitated. « NahâŠÂ »
« You donât sound so sure. » She stood, fetched her bag. « Asshole. »
He watched as she hurried back to her group friends. They looked at her expectantly and she shook her head, no doubt spilling the beans on their wreck of a kiss. The girls all rolled their eyes, looking at him in disgust.
Whatever.
He turned towards where he last saw Seongmok, to find Seongje sitting next to him. Seongjeâs eyes were narrowed at him. He shook his head, chortling in unbridled contempt. Pursing his lips, he went back to whatever game he always played on his phone.Â
Yeah, same. That shit was truly laughable.Â
Seongmokâs jaw looked clenched from all the way back here.Â
What the fuck ever.
Thus, upstairs he fled. The area was thankfully deserted, a welcome reprieve from the mess down there.Â
The storage room called to him. Bingo. A mirage. Light glinted on the glass of the almost full bottle of Gin, sitting there on the top shelf. As if awaiting for him to find it.Â
Why not ?Â
He never indulged. Plus, theyâd finished all of their duties for the day. And there was just no shutting his brain off right now. So sheâd be his friend tonight.Â
Probably better company than anyone in this hellhole anyway.
He didnât bother with a glass. Bottle in hand, he sat and opened your message thread again.Â
Would you wish him a happy new year ? You always did love a holidayâŠ
The first gulp tasted like battery acid. It pulled him away from his thoughts for a second.
He set the phone, screen down on the table. Then flipped it back over, less than ten seconds later. When nothing came, he dived right back into your text messages, the temptation to listen to your voice at its peak.
So he took two huge swallows.
This would be a long night.
***
« Five ! Four ! Three ! Two ! One ! HAPPY NEW YEAR ! »
What was it they said ? You end a year exactly how you start it.
Only, this time, you did know why you got out of the house. From Naeun and her bitch posse, to these two adorable freaks, the company had upgraded significantly.Â
You clinked your glass absentmindedly against Jeyiâs neon pink drink. Then you did the same with Goyaâs gin and cola.
You met Jeyi in the universityâs library, during your attempt at pretending to be a model student for two weeks back in September. You were seated at the same table, both of you stuck on the same page, zoned out. Sheâd snickered when you caught yourself after almost falling asleep, drooling on your page.Â
One thing led to another and you got kicked out of the place after one too many warnings about silence and disturbing the peace. Youâd ended up at a local cafe, sharing your passion for fanfiction and romance novels. The girl was a fluff girlie through and through. She looked the part too.
As it turned out, both of you were kind of loners. So you ended up eating together every day. Thatâs how you ran into Goya.
She was sitting on the bleachers of the baseball court, eating by herself. She overheard the two of you talking about some actor that was the great love of Jeyiâs life and piped up to inform her of a recent scandal involving him and sexual assault. To which theyâd both booed in disgust.
« He can go to hell then. » Youâd said, horrified.
« Or to jail. » Jeyi nuanced.Â
Goya had given them a pinched smile. « Both would be perfect. »Â
Then sheâd turned back around and carried on with her meal. The girl looked intimidating. Her resting bitch face game rivaled that of Seongmok. But you noticed it immediately. The way she kept throwing covert glances at you two. How she angled her body to hear whatever you were yapping about. So you invited her to join you.Â
Thatâs how you became inseparable. When you werenât with Dongha, or on the phone with your sister, you were with them. You even had a group chat, sans the toxicity of last yearâs group chat, thankfully.
Dongha had stumbled onto it and laughed at the name.Â
""You were lying on the bed, Donghaâs heavy head settled right over your heart. You scrolled on TikTok, laughing at every other video.Â
« Your TikTok feed is so weird. Weirdo. »
« Your eloquence surely isnât the reason why Iâm dating you. No vocabulary whatsoever. »
He pinched your stomach and you tittered.Â
A notification popped up on your screen.Â
Message from : The Powerpuff Girls.Â
Dongha guffawed. « Really ? »
You hid the screen, slapping his shoulder lazily. « Hey ! Donât laugh at us. Itâs a good name. »
He hummed. « It sure is. Let me guess, youâre Blossom ? »
You rolled your eyesâhe was right.Â
« So whoâs Bubbles then ? »
« Jeyi. You know that girl I told you about. Met her in the library. »
He snickered. « The one time you went there ? »
You hit him again and he rubbed the spot, grinning. « And Buttercup ? Itâs that Goya girl, isnât it ? »Â
You smiled, pleasantly surprised. « Yeah, it is ! Look at you, actually listening to me. »
He chuckled. « Mmhmm. See that ? After the fake-nosed demon ? I need to keep track of people I might need to threaten. »
You scowled at the reminder of the incident which still left a bitter taste in your mouth.Â
He kissed your pouted lips. « Come on. Cheer up. » He settled right back onto your chest and closed his eyes. The taunt came with a smirk. « Blossom. »
You laughed, pushing on his face teasingly.""
You sighed, nursing your drink. Jeyi threw a concerned glance your way before making big eyes at Goya, no doubt thinking she was being discreet.Â
Goya cleared her throat. « ____ ? You okay ? »
You swallowed. It was all too much. The light, the noise, the smell of sweat mingling with alcohol. Another clammy arm bumped into yours and you got up. « I think Iâm gonna head home. Please donât hate me ? »
Both of them softened their gazes and Jeyi answered, teary eyed. « At least you were there for the countdown ! And we couldnât hate you if we tried sweetie but⊠You sure you gonna be alright ? We can come with you and make it a girls night if you want. »
You smiled. It was refreshing. For the first time, it seemed you really found your people. These girls genuinely cared about you and werenât afraid to show it.
You shook your head. « No, no, no. You guys stay here. You need to meet the love of your life, remember ? Put these twelve grapes you ate under the table to good use, please. Or at the very least, these sexy red lace panties. »Â
You tried a smirk.Â
Jeyiâs eyes rounded even more and you exhaled deep. « Iâm good babe. Goya, make sure she has fun after Iâm gone, please. And make sure you have fun too. I want pictures. And voice notes. Long ones. »
Nodding, Goya gave a sad smile.Â
Oh wow, you must really look miserable.Â
You rapped your knuckles on the table awkwardly and hurried out of the bar, finally able to breathe again.Â
***
The cab ride was hauntingly painful. Like a trip down memory lane, a new vision awaited at every corner.
First, you passed the train stationâŠ
""Dongha walked fast, mindlessly bumping into people every few steps. His bear grip on your hand made you inevitably do the same as he dragged you behind him. You were busy smiling apologetically to the middle aged lady youâd just shoulder-checked, so you didnât see the little step on the ground. You yelped as you tripped and almost ate the floor.
Thankfully, Dongha pulled you to him before you could break all of your front teeth. « How did you survive so long without me in your life ? Have me playing white knight every other day. Itâs getting out of hand. »
You gasped, brows jumping up. « I wouldnât be in this predicament if it wasnât for you practically running out of here ! Is the building on fire or something ? »
He bit his lip then pecked your lips. Once, twice. Then a third time for good measure. « I donât think you get it. Iâm going to spontaneously combust if I donât get you alone in the next thirty minutes. The countdown is on. And itâs your fault for leaving for two entire fucking months. So hurry your slow ass up. » He slapped your butt playfully.Â
Picking your suitcase back up, he grabbed your hand and started off again, pace as brutally fast as before.
Focused on the back of his neck you smiled softly, letting him haul you out of the station.""
Then you recognized the spot where the fair had settled last spring. You turned towards the bakery right at the end of the street where youâd stopped for treats, trying to salvage the afternoon.
""You didnât pay Dongha any mind as he crossed his arms, glaring at your new companion.Â
Dead set on teasing him, you leaned over the huge teddy bear, adjusting its clothes lovingly. You brushed non existent lint out of its fur next. Dongha seethed and you almost broke character. Seongmok bit his lips when you snatched the silky handkerchief right from Donghaâs plate, then tucked it at the front of the bearâs jumpsuit.Â
That did it.
He huffed loudly. « Now you giving my shit to the stupid bear ? Give it back. »
You ignored him, crooning some kind of melody under your breath, still fretting over the stuffed toy.
He snatched the napkin from your plate.
You almost caught it. Your mouth gaped. « Give it back. »
Eyes narrowed at each other, you were in a full-on stare-off now.
Then you leaned back, a smug smile on your lips. You put a hand up and Dongha looked around. « The hell are you doing ? Ratting me out to the teacher ? »
« Iâm gonna ask for another napkin. For Hadong. »
Donghaâs glower threatened to split his face in two now. « Hadong ? »
You nodded and gestured to the oversized teddy. « Hadong. »
Seongmok looked away, a reluctant smile tugging at his lips. Before Dongha could explode, he gave you his own tissue. « Could we look at the menu now ? »
« Thank you, Seongmok. Now, what are we ordering, Hadong ? »
Dongha shook his head. « Brat. »
You stuck your tongue out at him.""
A soft laugh left your mouth.Â
You thought about the bear. Inevitably, Seongmokâs face popped up in your mind. With it came his terrified stare after your confession. The devastation when Dongha left your apartment. His hasty departure. The sob-fest that ensuedâyour head shook, pushing the memory out.
You emerged from the daydream only to recognize your long alley. A kaleidoscope of all the times youâd managed to get a piggy-back ride from Dongha played right in front of your eyes.Â
Your door was close now.Â
You were thrown back to your first serious fight. The fake-nosed fiasco, as Dongha liked to call it.
""You went straight home after your last class, ready to nap the rest of the day away. You stopped short, not expecting the sight awaiting for you. Dongha lounged on your front steps, phone in hand. He looked up, mischievous smirk in place when he saw you standing in front of him. He stood up looming over youâ""
« Weâre here miss. »Â
You blinked the driver into focus. « Oh ! Sorry. Here. »
You handed him his money and he hesitated. « Um⊠Do you need me to wait until youâre inside ? » He jerked his head towards your entrance and you frowned, following his gaze.
Your heart stopped. The name slipped out of your mouth of its own accord.
The driver blew out a breath, relieved. « Oh, do you know him ? Good. Iâm not a fighter and this one looks like a whole lot to handle. »
You nodded, stare still stuck out the window. « Yeah, itâs fine. Thanks for asking though. Have a great night. »
With that you got out of the cab, blinking slowly at the tall figure sitting on your bottom step.
« Happy new year. »
***
After a good thirty seconds of silence, you readjusted your grip on your bag, feigning composure. Then you gave up altogether, whole body slumping.
Dongha chuckled and leaned all the way back, full on lying on your steps now. « Just new year. Nothinâ happy about it. »
If it werenât for the taxi driver positively seeing him, you wouldâve thought you were hallucinating. His words were slurred and he slumped on the steps like his body was too exhausted to hold itself upright.Â
Wait. He couldnât beâŠ
You leaned forward to get a better look. Thatâs when it hit you. He smelled like heâd bathed in a bottle of Bombay Sapphire.
Oh, he was drunk. Drunk, drunk.Â
« Dongha, should I call someone ? Whereâs Seongmâ »
The look was so sharp, you couldâve sworn heâd sobered up entirely.Â
Until he actually opened his mouth. « So you donâtâ » A hiccup shook him. « Know ? » He laughed, the sound foreign. « Surprised he wasnât here. Donât wanna. Fuck⊠him ! » He grimaced. The red tint to his face intensified.
Okay. You were wrong. He wasnât drunk. He was plastered.
You watched him, a concerned frown on your face. While he flourished in mayhem and social settings, Dongha wasnât much of a drinker. In the year since youâd known him, you had yet to see him even a little tipsy. So you had no clue as to what type of drunk heâd be. One thing was for sure, you had to sober him up. Fast.
So you didnât know how, but you did it. You managed to open your door and lug him inside. Bypassing the couch, you led him right into your bed.Â
Your first stop was in the bathroom. You emptied the binâs contents and set it right next to his side. Then you browsed google for the best sobering up techniques out there :Â
Coffee
Okay, so that one was easy. You hurried to your kitchen, turning on the machine for a cup to brew.
Hydration
You fetched a bottle of water from the counter. Check.
Eating (fiber, protein and fats)
You rummaged your fridge for something to soak up the alcohol⊠and came up empty. You were so out of it, you hadnât made decent groceries in all twenty-four days since he left. Pathetic much ?
Fuck. Focus.
You hurried to your coat rack, running through your gym bag. Bingo. The protein bar Jeyi had shoved in your hand after yesterdayâs session sat there, ready to be consumed. The girl was a God send.
Cold shower
You went back to his side, set the steaming cup of coffee on the table and assessed him. He was sprawled right where youâd left him, body looking heavier than you remembered. You werenât even sure how youâd manage to have him drink the coffee without a third degree burn. So, getting him into the shower without either of you breaking a bone⊠Yeah, not happening.
Sleeping
That would definitely do it.Â
You sat next to his hip and gently nudged him. « Dongha. You need to eat something. Can you get up ? Please ? »
He didnât move an inch, eyes on the ceiling.
« What ? You gonna feed me tangerines again ? Iâll settle for tangerines if you have them. Iâd rather eat your peaches though. » A miserable laugh left his mouth. « Get it ? Peaches meanâ »
You pursed your lips, cutting into his ramble. « Yes, Iâm aware of what it means. Now, eat. »
« You should be laughing. You wouldâve laughed. Before everything went to shit. » His face fell. « Seogmokâs funnier. You laugh with Seongmok. »
You closed your eyes tightly. « Dongha. »
Whatever was happening on your plain white ceiling was apparently more entertaining to him than the packet you presented to him. So you ripped the plastic open halfway and shoved it in his hand, pushing it towards his mouth.Â
When he bit into it, you nodded then got to work undressing him, down to his underwear. Skin would be easier to clean than clothes if he puked.
His pants were baggy enough that they werenât complicated at all to remove. He lifted his hips slightly and sniggered. « Am I getting lucky tonight ? »
You huffed, not even entertaining the idea. Apparently he was alert enough to get that. He turned to you, the heartbroken look tugging at your heartstrings. « Youâre drunk, Dongha. So, no. »
His head lolled back into the pillow and you switched to taking his sweatshirt off while he rambled away. « I almost did. Iâm just not me anymore. I gotta be me. »
You grunted, struggling to fold his arms and get them through the holes. « What ? »Â
He didnât clarify. He also didnât help at all. Just laid there, letting you struggle around his heavy limbs.
Minutes later, youâd successfully managed to shed him of the heavy sweater, and the shirt underneath it. You folded his clothes, throwing glances at him.Â
That sweater was definitely new. Or he only wore it when you werenât there, knowing it was totally the type you wouldâve found a way to thieve away from him. His pants had looked bigger on him than usual, so youâd assumed they mightâve been new as well. But then you saw the tag.
""« Here. Youâre always bitching about me » You made air quotes. « âŠstealing all of your clothes. »
He eyeballed you. « Girl, all of the clothes youâre currently wearing came from my closet. Please. I wouldnât be shocked to undress you and find you wearing my damn boxers. »
He took the bag you extended and unfolded the black pair of pants. A flash of red caught his attention and he checked the tag, only to find your name etched onto it. He burst out laughing. « Sweetheart, what is that ? Are you branding me now ? »
You shrugged pettily. « That way if you ever dare to cheat on me, sheâll have my name. I wouldâve put my phone number on there too, but the tag was too short. »
He tugged you to him, pecking your nose. « Fuck. I canât tell if this is sarcasm because youâre actually insane. »""
The scent of cold coffee hit your nose and you cursed. Well, now at least if he spilled some on himself, you wouldnât have to call an ambulance.
You picked the cup up and sat back next to him. « Here, drink this. »
As soon as the smell hit him, he whined and rolled around to sniff your pillows. His grunt was so deep, you hurried and settled the cup back on the nightstand. « Are you going to throw up ? Thereâs a bucket right here on the side. »
He ignored you again, mumbling to himself. « Smells so fucking good. »
He sniffed the pillow in big gulps and you scrunched your nose, curious. « What, you already finished the pods ? »
« No. Threw them away. Threw you away. »Â
This stung.Â
You stood, vision blurry. « Iâll let you sleep it off okay ? »
Even drunk, he was quick. He pulled you on top of him, entrapping you in the circle of his arms. His eyes bore into yours.Â
A brief moment of clarity ?
Then you could almost hear the record scratch when he spoke. « Kissed some girl tonight. »
You froze. Ice ran through your veins.
But he wasnât done. « She was pretty. And funny. But her laugh⊠she had so many teeth. You donât have that many teeth, do you ? Iâm not me. So I drank⊠the drink. Because you made me me. I hate you, ____. Fucking hate your guts. »
You blinked, paralyzed. Then he was snoring.Â
You slid to his side, and stayed right there. Eyes wide open. Until the first lights of the rising sun shone through the blinds.
***
Pain woke him.Â
Pain so sharp, it made him queasy. Someone had taken a mallet, and smashed his skull with it. That was the only plausible explanation for the ache that was currently splitting his head in two.Â
That, or the gallon of gin heâd drowned himself with last night.
He groaned. Quickly suppressing it, he settled for a wince. The vibrations from his own voice were too loud. They echoed between his ears, sending ripples of agony to his brain.
Fuck. He was not drinking again. For a very long time.
Body sinking into the mattress, he waited until his head didnât feel like itâd fall off his shoulders anymore. The deep, steady breaths helped abate the nausea.Â
The room smelled good. Clean. Like warmth. And⊠flowers ? If he concentrated enough, he could almost smell the faint notes of your perfumeâenough with this already.Â
He rolled over, burying his face into the pillâhis head lifted so quick, he made himself dizzy. His eyes popped open, only to slam shut a second later. It was like his lids had been lined with sandpaper. He pushed through the feeling, struggling to accommodate to the faint sunlight until heâd successfully blinked the haze away.
Light pink beddings. Oh, shit. It couldnâtâŠ
A prickling awareness travelled up his spine. Then he felt it. He wasnât alone in the room. Every muscle in his body locked up. Frozen. He didnât want to look.
Yet he really did.
Then a thought occurred to him. What if it wasnât you ?
Panic seized him. His gaze snapped to your face, half hidden by the pillow right next to his. He let his head drop back down.
How the fuckâŠ
The events from the night before replayed, in patches. Until he was seated, alone, guzzling the sour liquid like it was water. Then, blank. Full blackout. Nothing.
He smashed his palms over his eyes, the throbbing not even registering. Heâd made it this far without seeking you out. Now, he was back to square one. UnlessâŠ
He barely gave himself time to think about it.Â
Ripping himself away from the doughy comfort of your bed, he did his best not to bump into any of the objects scattered around it. The bin at his feet was empty, which meant the contents of his stomach were still thankfully tucked away, right where they belonged. At the very least he didnât make an even bigger ass of himself than he already did showing up to your door, completely wasted.
He looked around and found his clothes neatly folded in a pile on the side chair. His stomach churned.
A flash. You, bent over him, grunting as you maneuvered his arms every which way, desperately trying to rid him of his clothes.
A wave of heat engulfed his face.
His phone lay forgotten on the ground, next to a white wrapper. The plastic crinkled as he read the label. Some type of protein bar. The lingering smell hit his nostrils.Â
Another flash.Â
""He chewed, the strong peanut taste spreading around his mouth. « Am I getting lucky tonight ? »Â
« Youâre drunk, Dongha. So, no. »
« I almost didâ »""
« FuckâŠÂ » He ran a clammy hand down his face. Bad enough that you had to care for his drunk ass, heâd told you heâd almost gotten laid.
He was never drinking again.
He looked over at you. That was it. He could leave. Pretend like this whole incident never happened. Like he wasnât set a full month back at the sight of you, sleeping peacefully. Enshrouded in ruffled sheets he knew felt as soft as they smelled. His hand reached up, almost tucked a strand of hair behind your ear reflexively. Then he thankfully stopped himself at the last second.Â
That right there. That was why he needed to leave.
Before all of the progress that heâd made was ruined. He forced a breath out and started for the door.Â
He was almost out of the room when your sleepy voice called. « So youâre just going to leave like that ? »
He rubbed at the back of his neck. Busted.
« You couldâve⊠I donât know. Written a note or something. A thank you⊠Apologies⊠Or maybe just a goodbye. »
Silence.Â
He flinched as the whiff of your perfume enveloped him. Your voice sounded right next to him. « Dongha, say something⊠please ? »
He swallowed. The apology was on the tip of his tongue. Youâd troubled yourself for him. A whole lot. The bin. The protein bar. The folded clothes⊠You didnât have to suggest it, gratitude festered in his heart, bursting at the seams. It was what made this whole situation that much worse.Â
Goodbyeâhe just couldnât bring himself to say it. Not yet.
He cleared his throat, wiping a hand over his mouth. « Happy new year. »
A far-away look entered your eyes. Then you huffed softly. « âŠNothing happy about it. »
Ainât that rightâŠ
His skin crawled. Cold sweat poured down his back. Words eluded him. His usual confidence was nowhere to be found as embarrassment flooded him. That wasnât him. The feeling was foreign. At first.Â
Until it wasnât.Â
That used to be him. Before Seongmok. Before they conquered their school and joined the union. Then he hadnât quaked anymore. His skin had toughened. So much so, he prided himself on the notion that nothing could ever crawl under it.
He couldnât let it. Wouldnât.Â
He needed to regroup. For this whole nightmare to go down the drain. « Can I use your bathroom ? I need to clean up. »
He barely waited for a reply before he was treading towards your bathroom, locking the door behind him.
The mirror was hard to look at. He didnât look like himself.
His hair had rarely been this messy. The pallor of his skin clashed with the redness in his eyes. His shoulders were hunched, like his body didnât know how to carry itself anymore.
He turned away from the unpleasant sight, leaning back against the sink. The faint smell of liquor clung to him and his mouth tasted as sour as he felt. He twisted around, gaze landing on the metal cup. Warmth spread around his chest when he spotted his toothbrush, right there next to yours, waiting for him to pick it up and use it.
He brushed his teeth, then hopped in the shower, plagued by the same memory. That morning, right here in this bathroom. Things were so simple back then. Youâd only been seeing each other for a few months. Werenât officially together yet.Â
He missed those daysâMaybe that was it.Â
He watched the sudsy water slowly roll down the drain, mind settling. Quitting cold-turkey didnât work for him. Obviously. He could get back to when things werenât soâŠtangled.Â
To get you out of his system. Then, maybe when the time came, goodbye wouldnât seem so gut-wrenching.
***
The door swung open and steam followed him into the little room.Â
You caught yourself quickly. Not quickly enough though. He saw the way you blinked at his bare chest. How your eyes briefly snagged on the towel heâd knotted low on his hips.Â
You cleared your throat. « I set some clothes right here for you. » You gestured to the little lump right next to you. « I think itâll be your size. » An awkward laugh left your wobbly lips.Â
He approached, standing right next to you. He touched the fabric and recognized his shorts and hoodie. Even so, he didnât laugh, too busy studying you.
Twenty-five days. He hadnât seen you in the flesh in twenty-five days. Youâd done worse, but back then he knew heâd get to see you again. To touch you again. Kiss you again.
This time around, he hadnât had that luxury. So each day felt longer than the last one.
And now, you were right here. He learned his lesson. He would look his fill. Touch his fill. Kiss his fill. Charge up as much as he could before pulling the plug on this whole thing.Â
His eyes wandered slowly. Over your feet, your legs, your thighs. They made out the curves he knew so well, your body silhouetted by his brown shirt. Your neck, your lips, your nose. Your eyes and the prominent darkness that encircled them. His perusal stopped right there.
« Donghaâ » He touched light thumbs right above your cheekbones, fingers cradling your jaw.Â
Goosebumps spread where his hands settled, all the way down into the shirt. The reaction emboldened him and his thumbs brushed over the area. « Is that because of me ? »
Mouth gaping, you made no sound.
« You didnât sleep to take care of me. Iâm sorry. Wonât happen again. »
« I donât mind. Taking care of you. »Â
No hesitation. The words looked sincere.
Thank you.
He bent and kissed your cheek, right where his thumb hovered. Then he did the same on the other side, lingering on your skin.
« DonghaâŠÂ » You tried again.Â
So he stole the words right from your mouth. Kissed the softness of your lips. Yeah, that was it.Â
The kiss deepened almost instantly. His world spun when you kissed him back. He pushed his tongue inside your mouth, hungry for a taste. Before he knew how, he had you on your back underneath him, body melting into yours. You nibbled on his bottom lip, sucking it into your mouth. He felt the tug all the way to his heart.Â
A shiver ran down his spine. This felt good.Â
Too good.
He ripped his mouth away, breathing labored. The memory rushed in, uninvited. « Kissed some girl tonight. »
Fuck.
Eyes squeezing shut, he buried his head in the crook of your shoulder, unable to meet your gaze. The failed kiss came back to him and he puffed out a breath, annoyed at how worked up kissing you made him in comparison.
« BabyâŠÂ » You cooed, bringing him back to the moment. He peppered kisses on your neck, entranced by the tickle of your throbbing vein against his lips and tongue.
Another snippet of his drunk self popped up. « You made me me. I hate you, ____. Fucking hate your guts. »
He stopped moving entirely. The crestfallen look on your face at his statement was engraved behind his eyes. He could still picture it, eyes closed.
This was wrong.Â
Heâd given you strike after strike. And yet, here you were, letting himâyou really were just letting him do these thingsâŠ
He made mental notes. How cautious you were with him. How big your eyes looked in your face. The tension in your forehead. In your shoulders. Like you were braced, waiting for his next punch. And yet, you persisted. Took the hits, got right back up, and faced him. Taking what he had to give.Â
His heart squeezed. It didnât satisfy him as much as he thought it would. Why werenât you fighting backâhe bit your neck. Hard.
You yelped and your thighs closed around him, hands tightly gripping his hair. His tongue glided over the faint indentations he left behind. You whined softly, caressing the back of his neck.
There it was.
Desire pooled heavy in his groin. He rubbed himself gently against your heat at first, merely trying to alleviate the ache. Then his towel slid off and he was outright dry-humping you, the damp crotch of your panties the only barrier between the two of you. His rough fingers stroked along the edge of your thighs, back and forth, as he relished the sound of your pleased squeaks.
Iâm sorry.Â
The words almost popped out in his frenzy. He caught another mouthful of your skin, his teeth clamped down until the urge abated. His hands settled higher and higher with each pass. He reached high enough to cup your breasts under the shirt.Â
Wrenching away from your neck, he ripped the thick garment off of you.Â
Then he froze, brain almost short-circuiting at the erotic vision. You laid underneath him. Skin flushed, nipples hard, calling for the flick of his tongue. Back arched, legs wide open, your softest parts rocking against his hardness. He stared at the wet patch in the center of your underwear. His hands shook when he yanked them off, eyes snagging on the wet trail following the crotch of your panties.Â
Then he had you naked right before him.
He didnât know where to begin. The urge to kiss every square inch of your body was so powerful, he didnât even seek the will to fight it. Starting right below your navel, he trailed a winding path across your stomach. He paused when he reached the spot right between your breasts, where the pounding beat was the most intense. The rhythm picked up and your breasts heaved up and down.Â
He could feel you staring at his face, lost but hopeful. Â
What was he doing ?Â
His hands twitched around your hips. It was a feat, but eventually his mouth detached from your body. But now his face hovered above yours, within kissing distance. He settled his forehead right against yours, but made no move, letting your heavy breathings mingle together.Â
You bridged the gap, lips ghosting over his, and he recoiled at the last second.Â
What the hell was he doing ?
Your hands settled on the nape of his neck again and a tremor shook him to the core.Â
Too deep.Â
You pulled, bringing him closer to you and he turned his head, giving you his cheek instead. Heartbreak plainly visible on your face, you whimpered.
He didnât let it settle for long. The familiar perfume reached his nose from your pillow and immediately, he caved.Â
The call of your lips was too strong. The high he got from it, too raw. It tasted like defeat. He deepened the kiss, practically bruising your lips with his own now.
Canât fucking stay away from defeat these days, can you ?
In one swift move, he lined up his head with your soaking entrance and pushed in deep, fusing your bodies together.Â
He sucked in your cry, lips still meshed with yours. His chest tightened. Pleasure swelled all over him as he savored the feeling of your tight heat wrapped around him.Â
This was right where he belonged.
His core tightened almost painfully when you clenched around him, folds massaging him gently. He pulled out an inch, testing the movement before powering in again. Soon, the room came alive to the chorus of your moans and his grunts as he drew back then slid all the way home again and again.
« I love you. »
Donghaâs hips stuttered. His mouth left yours and he squeezed his eyes shut. His heartbeat soared, erratic, and he struggled to find his rhythm again.
Then you said it again.Â
And again. The familiar tingle intensified in his lower back and his core muscles tightened, his release not far behind.
But his mind went there. « I think I also love you⊠Seongmok. »
He clamped a hand over your mouth, preventing the words from reaching his ears. He could still feel them, though. Vibrating against his palm. Coursing through his entire body and lodging themselves somewhere in between his ribs. The pressure reached its peak and he bucked into you, hard. Once, twice. Then he was flying, pouring everything he couldnât say right inside of you.Â
Panting from the force of his climax, he came down slowly, buried inside of you. His muscles clenched when he felt your fingers, bumping into his lower belly, rubbing at your nub. A few seconds later, you were spasming around his sensitive dick and he cursed, riding your high. His skin felt electrified.
For the longest moment, he felt nothing but your light fingernails, tracing over the skin of his back, and the sticky heat still enfolding him down below. Your breathings settled slowly as you both came down.Â
Then reality slithered back in.
One by one, his other senses awakened. He could hear the rumble of the pipes in the adjacent room. Taste the salt from your skin, still stuck to his tongue. See the tiny droplets on the damp skin of your forehead.Â
Damn, even your sweat smelled intoxicating.
That was his cue.Â
Pulling your arms away from him was hard. Untangling his limbs from yours and leaving your bed ? Even harder. But it had to be done.
Casual, remember ? Easy.
Yeah. It had to be done.
Without a word, he bypassed the clothes youâd laid out for him, fetching the dirty ones heâd worn the day before. He would go back home and change.Â
After all this ? He had to hit the shower again anyway.Â
He got dressed, head hunched, barely sparing you a glance.
You sat up in bed, watching him. « Youâre leaving ? »Â
He ticked at your small voice, your arms hugging your bent legs. You looked frail. He didnât like that. So, it turned out he wasnât the only one looking like a totally different person then.
Your big, watery eyes pushed him back to the night before.
« I hate you, ____. Fucking hate your guts. »
He shook his head, remembering youâd actually asked him a question. After what heâd done, he couldnât just ignore you anymore. Still, he didnât look at you when he spoke. « Yeah. I need to go »Â
« Will you be back ? »Â
He knew the quiver in your voice. Knew it very well. It usually preceded you crying your eyes out. So he bent and kissed your cheek. He didnât want that. He wouldnât lie to you though. « Not today. »
He heard more than he saw. The swallow. You didnât talk.Â
He was grateful. You talking would definitely come with a side of tears, and he wasnât equipped to handle that right now. Not without destroying everything he was holding onto.
It had to be done. His stomach roiled.Â
He walked to the door, heart remaining in bed, right beside you. The knot in his throat was too big to ignore.Â
He thought about how badly his night couldâve ended. In their world, losing control could result in broken bones. Severed limbs. Maybe worse, who knew. Drunk him had known heâd be safe and sound right here with you. Drunk him inherently knew. Youâd protect him.
And even with how badly heâd treated you lately⊠you did.Â
Just like Seongmok did. Every single time.
He didnât think further. He strided straight back to you and tilted your head to face him head on. « Iâll call you, okay ? »
You nodded, a lone tear sliding down and he thumbed it away.
« Thank you, ____. »
With that, he hurried and left your place. Before he was tempted to stay and waste the whole day away, right there with you.
This might've been my favorite part to write so far. mostly because of all of the painfully cute bits. I couldn't wait for y'all to get these little tidbits of the relationship since the story is jumping through the months, only showing the high stakes moments. hope you liked the little memories as much as I did
Turns out I do enjoy writing fluff đ who would've thought ! (It just has to be wrapped up in a whole bunch of angst first ! something about the tension)
I know I said there were only two parts left but I cut yet another part so... The story is coming to an end soon though but I guess you've learned not to trust my cutting abilities by now đ Sometimes I do be lying... without meaning to ! Tragic
I write adult content and treat grown themes so MDNI (18+). Iâm sure Iâll forget to list some triggers but Iâll try my best not to do so!
(Part. 4) // (Part. 6)
Genre ~ Angstiest
Summary ~ Reader meets Dongha and Seongmok. Little by little, she's sucked into their duo, the distinction between the two more and more difficult to make.
Warnings ~ canon divergence (the union wasn't dissolved), AU (the characters are older, towards end of UNI), smoking, cussing, violence, sexual themes, use of the word « crackhead »
wc ~ 7k
Song suggestion : « If a heart's gonna get broken, it wonât be mine. »
A/n ~ Reader is referred to as « ____ »
As always, Reblog, like and COMMENT ! I love to talk with you guys đ„°
It was late in the evening, or rather very early in the morning when Dongha finally stretched his long limbs on the ratty couch.Â
Daesung Bikes. The place really was a dump. Heâd never paid much attention before, but it stood out to him now. He spent most of his free time at yours. It was tight, but cosy. Most importantly, it was spotless. Smelled good. Always. Your perfume permeated the air. Andâfuck.
He pulled his phone out, checking for the hundredth time to see if youâd reached out to him again.
You : Really, whole weekend went by and you still donât think to fucking hit me up? -Monday, 4:33 P.M.
You : I took my mid-terms today. You know this. You donât wanna know how it went? -Monday, 4:33 P.M.
You : Pretty sure I bombed the way I couldnât focus for shit -Monday, 4:34 P.M.
You : Why are you doing this -Tuesday, 1:07 A.M.
You : Dongha please itâs not funny anymore. -Tuesday, 3:58 A.M.
He shoved the phone back into his pocket and closed his eyes. Shut everything out. It was quiet save for the low hum of the electronics scattered around.Â
Steady footsteps resounded, closer and closer. Seongmok joined him a few moments later, handing him a drink before collapsing next to him. They clinked their bottles together, almost reflexively, and settled back. Theyâd survived yet another friday evening. Completed their weekly duties. The books were updated, everything matched perfectly. The pay was delivered.Â
And yet, he couldnât relax. He hadnât been able to relax for some time. For a week now, he had lost sleep entirely.Â
Dongha thumbed the condensation gathered around the bottle in his hand. He eyed Seongmok as he stared straight ahead, surprisingly oblivious to his scrutiny. While he was stuck up around other people, he was usually somewhat relaxed and easygoing when it was only the two of them.Â
Not right now. His excessive blinking was a huge tell. He was preoccupied.Â
Yeah. Arguing with ____ wasnât easy. He would know.
Seongmok pulled out a cigarette. Reached for his lighter. His hand froze as soon as the gift was out of his pocket. The golden metal caught the light, shining bright in the darkened alcove. Seongmokâs blinking slowed. His face took on a rare daydreamy look, shoulders relaxed at last.
He lit up the flame and the clinking sound pulled Dongha back to that night you had gifted the item, the memory tainted by his ongoing train of thoughts. The same train that had departed when he saw the two of you exit the bowling alleyâs stairway after what looked like a nasty loversâ spat.
Seongmok snapped out of the weird trance he seemed to have fallen in. His gaze found Donghaâs snarl right away. He startled, mouth opening. No sound came out.Â
He tried again. « DonghaâŠÂ »Â
Dongha ran his wet hand down his face, the air blew cold on his heated skin. It didnât help cool his growing ire. The stiff grin stretched his face, almost painfully. « You like her. »
Seongmok stared through him. He considered his next words, looking conflicted for a moment.Â
It was a moment too long.
Donghaâs throat closed up.Â
Then Seongmok made it worse. « I tried not toâŠÂ »
There it was.Â
Dread travelled through Donghaâs limbs. He stood as the prickle reached his scalp. Hands gripping his hair, he tugged, the gesture barely pulling him out of his head. « FuckâŠÂ » He didn't recognize his own voice.Â
« I never meant for any of this to happen. »
« Any of this ? What exactly is âthisâ ? You two went behind my back and... ? Of fucking course you did... I justâI know it. »Â
Seongmok stared up at him, face aghast. Dongha blinked, dumbfounded. As if he had a right to act offended after what he just admitted.Â
Seongmok rose, his next words stern, the careful tone obviously meant to penetrate. « Nothing happened Dongha. There is no âus twoâ. I swear. You know me. »
« Apparently not ! How can you do this to me ? Me ! » He chuckled, getting into Seongmokâs face, voice venomous. « And for what ? Huh ? Fucking pussy ? »
Before Dongha could even think to duck, a fist flew towards him.
He bent over, losing his balance. The taste of metal spread around his mouth so he spit, the saliva tinged red with blood.Â
Seongmokâs big shoulders shifted up and down, nose flared, breathing heavy. « Donât talk about her like that. »
He straightened back up. The hit didn't deter him. Quite the opposite. « Iâll talk about her however the fuck I wanna talk about her. Sheâs my fucking girlfriend. » He stepped up to Seongmok, deliberately invading his personal space. His stare didnât waver as he said the next words. « When sheâs not busy whoring around with you, that is. »
Seongmok snapped. A growl left his lips.
Then he was on him.Â
All bets were off. Fists flew, neither of them making any move to duck or defend themselves. Like they could withstand any damage as long as they got to hit the other.
A kick. A pull. Then they were tipping over, landing heavily on the side table. The bottles crashed, glass exploding next to them.Â
The commotion broke through the blind rage consuming them. They lay on the ground, breathing heavily.Â
Donghaâs death grip on Seongmokâs sweater wavered, strengthened, only to go lax again. He hacked out another spatter of blood, wiping at his mouth. The move was useless, more of the crimson fluid seeped out with the pressure, spreading over his chin. He hissed, pain mixing with the ache spreading around his chest.Â
« How could you do this to me ? » His voice broke and he cursed.
Seongmok sighed, wiping his bloody nose « Do what ? I didnât fucking plan this. And I didnât act on it. I wouldnât. Iâd never do anything to hurt you. From the moment I understood what I felt was more, I cut all contact. Stopped answering her calls. Her texts. I quit showing up⊠»
Dongha swallowed the bitterness down some. He couldnât deny this. He had noticed. It had even relieved him.
At first.
It was short lived though. Things had slowly gone to shit⊠Until that night.
Your resentful stares. How you mirrored Seongmok. Grim. Stoic. Silent.Â
What he hadnât foreseen, was that Seongmok could be equally as unsettled by your absence as heâd noticed you were with his.Â
But the way he avoided your gaze... First that night heâd stopped by your place. Then last week. How heâd trailed behind you as you stormed out, looking like a lost puppy. The longing that damn near dripped out of him at the smallest reminders of youâŠ
« You did, yeah. Yet here you are, staring at that damn lighter like it holds the answer to the universe. I donât even know how I missed it. Always lookinâ at her. And she looks right the fuck back. Like you hung the fucking moon or some shit. »
Seongmokâs voice rose. « Dongha-ya. Thatâs how she looks at you. Youâre getting everything fucking mixed up right now. » He ran a hand over his mouth, tryingâand failingâto conceal his irritation.
Donghaâs anger simmered anew. The gall.
Braced onto his elbows, he stared at Seongmok expectantly.
Silence.Â
Oh hell no, not today. Not between us.
So he dropped the bomb. « I asked you a question. What happened ? You might want to start with right after I left the room last week ? »Â
Seongmokâs face blanched.
Dongha chuckled sharply at the reaction. « Yeah. I saw. I mean, who didnât ? You came down the fucking stairs like lovebirds in a spat. Want me to believe you ? Then fucking talk. »
Dongha observed every inch of him like a hawk as he straightened stiffly. He shook his head, setting his elbows on his knees. Buying time. His complexion slowly settled back to its normal shade as the blood flowed down to the rest of his body. He flexed his fingers, stammering through his answer.Â
« Nothing. SheâŠÂ » A pause. « Said some harmless shit a while ago. As she often does. »Â
Donghaâs eyes drew to his Adamâs apple as it bobbed.Â
« With everyone. » A nod.
« But. IâŠÂ » Another swallow.
« Felt more than I should have. So I shut her out. »Â
The anxious blinking started up again.
« She came at me for going ghost on her. And she was justified. I know she hates that. But it was for the best. » He nodded again.Â
Dongha nodded as well, the gesture almost comically big. Seongmok wasnât a liar. He did, however, have a tendency to gloss over the most important details sometimes.Â
So he pushed, head tilted. « Harmless shit⊠What exactly did she say ? »Â
Dongha huffed, sitting up. He would get to the bottom of things, and heâd do it tonight. « Go ahead. Help her hide shit from me. Is it how itâs going to be from now on ? »
Seongmok hung his head back. « I donât want to say anything when sheâs not here to defend herself. »
« Who the fuck cares Seongmok ?! Just fucking talk toâ »
« What if I misinterpreted things ? It wouldnât be fair to her ! » He rubbed his hands over his hair, the strands sticking out when he was done.Â
Then his whole body clenched. Fists, shoulders, jaw.
« None of it matters anyway. My feelings donât matter. Sheâs with you, and youâre with her. Thatâs the end of it. » His cadence was unnatural. Robotic. He recited the words like heâd rehearsed them a hundred times already.
« Is it really though ? »Â
He swung back towards him.
« I told you, I saw everything Seongmok-a. Whatever it was, she cared enough to be crying. Fucking sobbing. » He pinched his fingers a hair apart, eyes squinting. « And you were this fucking close from following her. » Â
Pretending mightâve worked. For Seongmok. But repeating a lie, as many times as you wanted, didnât make it any more truthful. And now that Dongha knew⊠He couldnât help but wonder whether you also did.
« I fucking canât with her. I swear⊠planning shit with you. Looking for you in every room. The fucking giftsâbut yeah, sure. This is all one-sided. Do you think Iâm fucking dumb ? »
Seongmok frowned, genuine confusion etched onto his features. Dongha watched as he processed the words. He mumbled to himself. « Or maybe weâre both fucking dumbasses then. »Â
« Dongha. What ? » Seongmok shook his head. « Thatâs a big fucking reach right there. Come on. »
Dongha bit his lip. It sounded logical in his head.
So he pushed. « Okay then. What if I say Iâm breaking up with her ? Hmm ? Sheâll stay away from you, right ? Like the loyal fucking girlfriend you think she is. Thatâs what you think ? I didnât think you could be so damn naive. » The cackle came out unhinged. « Fuck no. »
Seongmok tilted his head, ignoring the jab. His brows drew down over his eyes. « Donât get carried away Dongha. She didnât do anything wrong. And I know you. You wonât. You care for her. More than you would prefer. »Â
Dongha grimaced, looking away for a second before meeting his eyes once again. « Thatâs my fucking point Seongmok. All these phone calls and text messages. This whole time⊠Iâve been fucking third-wheeling the both of you. I thought she was running to you to reach me. I fell for the fucking act. And apparently so did you. Sheâll be on you the second Iâm out the way. Iâd bet my fucking hand on it. Hell, maybe the two of you will finally run off into the goddamn sunset together. Wouldnât it be fucking cute ? »
Seongmok stared, thrown off. « I donât know what you want to hear Dongha. She has feelings for you. I know for a fact she does. She might even more than like you. The way she talks about you. She couldnât fake that. And I wouldnât have let her play with you like that. »
Donghaâs answer thundered in the empty room. « BUT SHEâS FUCKING INTO YOU TOO, ISNâT SHE ?! WHY WONâT YOU ADMIT IT ! »
Seongmok closed his eyes.Â
Yeah, that definitely wasnât a firm no. Why the hell wonât he say it ?
So Seongmok did, in fact, have a crush on his girlfriend.Â
So what ? Big fucking dealâ
That made him pause.Â
The jitters spread from his fidgety hands all the way to his legs as the thoughts jumbled in his mind.
He spotted his phone, sitting among the mess theyâd made. Jumping up. He grabbed it, thumbs already moving. « Come on letâs go. »
« Where ? »
« Weâll go to her and she can finally admit everything. »
Seongmok sprung up, checking his own phone. « Itâs 2 A.M. What if sheâs asleep of something ? »
« I donât give a fuck. She can say to my face how she was playing us from the very beginning. » Â
***
The latest season of Singleâs Inferno played, a much-needed background noise. Lying on your couch, you barely focused on the TV screen. You were too busy gawking at your study plan, eyes burning, trying to make sense of your own messy notes.Â
Your sisterâs gasp came through the tabletâs speaker, reminding you the video call was still ongoing. You glanced at the screen. Her unflattering camera angle showed you her nose hairs. The snort you let out was equally unappealing.Â
You tapped the screen to check how long tonightâs call had been. 1:37:24.
Youâd done worse than that this week.
You checked the time next : 1:46 A.M.
She gasped again and you arched a brow. « Hey, nostrils ! Everything okay over there ? » She looked down and flipped you off. It tugged a laugh out of you.Â
It cut short when a notification popped up.Â
Message from: Dongha.
Your heartbeat stuttered. You clicked the pop-up right away.
Dongha : U home?
Your brows jumped up. Really ? The audacity.
« The fuck ? » The words left your mouth, dazed.Â
You : If youâre finally done ignoring me, you gonna have to do better than that.Â
Dongha : r u home? Donât piss me off answer the ducking question.
Dongha : coming rn
« What the fuck ? »
You were used to getting into it with Dongha. But things usually escalated in the heat of the moment. He never talked to you any type of way out of the blue.
After last Fridayâs fiasco, youâd needed time to recover. So when the whole week-end passed without any news, you were almost grateful.
But then, Monday went by. Youâd texted. They were all left on read. Delivered, you could work with. Read was another story. So youâd called. He didnât even let the phone ring. He hung up. Every single time. Deliberately ignoring you.Â
So for him to come back a week later, demanding to know where you wereâIt didnât sit right with you at all.
« Hey ! Earth to ____ ! Whatâs up with you ? » Your sister pulled you back to the situation at hand.
« Waitâwait. » You sat straighter, going back to the video callâs page to find your sisterâs alert face.Â
You pulled your phone out.Â
You : ?
Read.
No follow-up.
You dialed him. It barely rang once.
The person youâre trying to reach is currently unavailable. Please leave a message after the tone.
You tried again. Same outcome.Â
« What the fuck ?! » You were downright screaming now.
« What is it ____ ? Youâre scaring me. » Your sisterâs voice rose with angst so you showed her the messages.Â
« What the fuck ? Is that how he talks to you ? We should burn his fucking clothes or something. Teach him a fucking lesson. »Â
« Help me⊠I donât know what to do. »
You looked around, lost. As if the answer to your problems would be plastered on the wall.Â
« ____. » Her solemn tone brought you back to face her. « Heâs not violent with you or anything... right ? »
You shook your head, vehemently. No. And you didnât think heâd hurt you. Not like that.Â
Confronting an irate man was always a bad idea, though. Especially when you didnât know what he was mad about.
« What do you think it is then ? » She asked, timidly.
You shrugged, eyes rounding.
You : Babe pick up the phone pls
Read
You : Did something happen ?
Read
« ____ ? You gotta have at least an idea, donât you ? » Your mind raced.
She hesitated. « Donât get me wrong. I love our calls, you know I do. But⊠weâve been spending hours on the phone together. Every day. For like, a week. And you havenât mentioned him at all. Obviously something happened. »
You bit your lip, leg bouncing restlessly. « I have a vague idea of what it could be. »
Silence.Â
« Okay ? »
Silence.Â
« Can you quit being so mysterious and tell me what thatâs about ? I donât read minds yet. »
The words still wouldnât come out. How did you explain the situation without any type of misunderstanding ?
You averted your gaze.
She gasped. « Wait. Is it about who I think itâs about ? Did anything happen and you didnât tell me ?! You bitch ! »
You sighed. « Can we focus on the task at hand, please ? I canât see him. Not right now. Not when I donât know what the hell is wrong with him. He said heâs on his wayâŠÂ »
She looked around, at a loss, and you groaned. « Really ? Now youâre speechless ? You sure know how to pick your moments. »
She screeched. « I donât know ! Just say youâre not home ! »
You : Iâm not home. Why ? What is it ?Â
You showed her the screen and she nodded, both of you frozen, waiting for his reply.Â
Read.
Your stomach dropped. You stuck your thumb in your mouth, teeth clamping down on the already mangled skin.
Silence.Â
The door rattled twice, loud.Â
You shrieked, surprised. Your sister did the same.Â
Donghaâs voice resonated from the other side of the door. « You fucking liar. Open up. »
Hand clamping over your own mouth, your eyes went to your sisterâs, the tablet shaking in your grasp. Neither of you dared utter a word.Â
The door rattled again.Â
« I heard you, ____. Open up. Iâm camping out here until you do. Letâs see how long you can take being cooped up in there. » He sounded strained, even through the thick door.
You approached carefully, looking down to your sister, panicked. Her eyes widened and she shrugged apologetically.Â
« DonghaâŠÂ » Your voice cracked. You cleared your throat. « Babe, youâre scaring me. I donât even know what happened to get you so mad. »
He laughed. « Yes, you do. This conversation is long overdue. »Â
Your heart squeezed, mouth gaping uselessly.Â
« OPEN UP ! »
This had you jumping.Â
The wall shook with the force of his knocks and a startled yelp escaped you « STOP IT ! YOUâRE SCARING ME ! »Â
The knocking continued, louder.Â
« ____ ? Should I call the police ? » Your sister murmured. She was biting her fingers, phone clutched in her hand. Her wet eyes made you pause for a moment.
You froze, overwhelmed. Getting him in trouble with the police was a bit muchâyou shook your head. Still, he was so angry. You sure as hell werenât opening your door right now. And you felt like heâd kick it down at any moment.Â
You bit your lip, frantic fingers scratching at your neck, standing on trembling legs.Â
Then it all⊠stopped.Â
You held your breath, blinking.
A knock sounded, gentler. Then a voice you didnât think youâd hear again so soon called out. « ____. Please, open up. Itâs okay, we just want to talk, I swear. »
You gulped. A cold wave travelled through you. Your shoulders relaxed, the relief instant. A tear rolled down your cheek. There was no way you couldâve handled this without Seongmok.Â
« Oh wow⊠Yeah, I see it now. »
You peeked down at your sister. The pointed look shut her up instantly.Â
« Iâll call you later. »
She gasped « Wait, no ! Donât hangâ »
You clicked the red button.Â
A deep inhale. Blowing it out slowly, you steeled yourself, shoulders rolling. You unlocked your door, then swung it open, weary.
Seongmokâs broad frame appeared slowly and your eyes met. Then you focused on your boyfriend standing there behind him, eyes piercing. « Of fucking course youâd actually open for him. » The words were dripping in venom.Â
Seongmok ignored him. He tilted his head, trying to get your attention. « Can we come in for a sec ? We need to talkâŠÂ »
Your eyes left Dongha to find his again. You couldnât help it though, they snapped right back to Dongha. He looked almost predatory. Like he could pounce and bite you at any moment.
Seongmok braced a hand against the wall, blocking your view. The deep breath was almost automatic. Your brain needed all the available oxygen to function properly again.Â
As long as he was there, itâd be okay. Right ?
You hesitated, then gave a tiny nod. Your fingers released the handle, one by one.Â
There goes nothing.Â
You stepped all the way back into the apartment, stopping behind the couch, stare fixed on the door as Seongmok followed you inside. Dongha entered and you flinched when he slammed the door closed. The sound echoed in the roomâjust as loud in your chest.Â
Whatever the outcome, today would inevitably slam a year-long chapter closed.Â
Pretenses be damned.Â
***
Dongha walked in, steps stuttering when the whoosh of your sweet scent hit him. His own reaction pissed him off even more and he shoved the door, way harder than he intended.Â
You stood, cowering behind the couch. The vision broke through his angry haze. Your stiff body, shoulders lifted protectively, the whites of your eyes on full display.Â
Seongmok came into view, squaring up to him. « Dongha-ya. Calm the fuck down or Iâll calm you down. »
Just like that, fury flooded him again. « Fuck off, Seongmok. »
« Iâm being very serious. » Seongmok murmured for only the two of them to hear. « Youâre scaring her. Take a fucking breather. Please. »
Dongha closed his eyes. He knew he was right. He did his best to compose himself. A short while later, his fists finally unclenched.
A nod.Â
Seongmok moved out of the way.Â
Your gaze found his, your dread unmistakable.Â
He jerked his head towards Seongmok. « What the fuck did you say to him ? » A veil fell over your eyes. Your head shook, denial coming easy. « I donât know whatâ »
He banged a hand against the wall. That shut you up instantly. « Stop fucking lying to me. What did you say that had him running for the fucking hills ? Bet you knew exactly what the fuck Iâm talking about when you confronted him about it last week. »
Your head swiveled towards Seongmok. Dongha placed himself in between the two of you. « Nah. Heâs not helping you right now. I asked you a question. »Â
Your shoulders fell. You scratched at your collar bones and he zoned in on the frenzied gesture. Before you even opened your mouth, he knew he wouldnât like the words that would come out. At all.Â
« I didnâtâI didnât mean to flirt or anything, it just slipped out. I swear. »
He stared, silent.Â
« We were talking, and laughing, and I got carried away and⊠I just⊠I told him he was hot, I think. » You rushed the words out.
« You think ? »
Blinking slowly, you pursed your lips.Â
He huffed, turning towards Seongmok. « Harmless shit, huh ? »
Seongmokâs hands twitched, his eyelids coming down faster and faster. « It really didnât go any further than this, Dongha. She said it as a fucking joke. »
Dongha laughed. « Hilarious, yeahâŠÂ »Â
Groaning, he pressed his hands over his eyes. He, admittedly, expected worse. She was a flirt. He knew thatâthere he went again⊠Being a fucking dumbass.
He straightened. « So funny and harmless you fucking cut her off. »Â
Seongmok ran a hand over his hair but didnât comment further.Â
So that was it then. All he had to do was take off the rose-colored glasses and see the situation for what it was. The pieces started to fall into place in his mind.
Dongha turned, pointing to you accusingly. « And then when he did, you fucking clung to me so hard⊠Had me thinking it was just things progressing between usâyou were really comforting yourself with the second-best option, werenât you ? Fuck. You mustâve had one hell of a laugh. »Â
You shook your head, shouting, panicked. « Itâs not like that, I swear ! »
His nostrils flared and he glanced at Seongmok before dragging a hand over his face, wiping out any expression from it.Â
« The more I turn it around, the more I canât help but wonder... I gotta hand it to you, youâve played the long game. Am I so dumb that you thought I wouldnât catch on, eventually ? »Â
You didnât answer fast enough. The dumbfounded look on your face tickled the impatient side of him. A reel of every fight you had since Seongmok went ghost flashed before his eyes. The genuine anguish heâd felt at the ugliness of it all. How heâd indulged you. Let you take out whatever was bothering you on him.
Was that actually you trying to push him away ? To go after what you really wanted ?
And there he was, actively trying to be more attentive. Bitterness filled his mouth as he bit at the broken skin of his lip, the acrid taste twisted his features.Â
« You fucking disgust me. »
The statement was meant to hurt.
And it landed.Â
You whimpered in pain, head dropping. When your legs started trembling, you dropped down on the wobbly table, fiddling with the fabric of your shirt.Â
« Fuck, Dongha. Thatâs enough. » Seongmok stepped towards you, then halted halfway. He turned to Dongha, his frown betraying the warring thoughts in his head.
« Seongmok ? Is that also what you think ? That Iâm not being genuine ? That Iâm⊠trying to push you guys apart ? »Â
« Of course not. » The answer came so fast.Â
Dongha whirled to Seongmok and he flinched, glancing back and forth between yours and Donghaâs expectant gazes.Â
A beat.Â
« Dongha. Youâre not thinking clearly, man. »
« And youâre defending her. Yet a-fucking-gain. »
A derisive laugh left you and you covered it with a lazy hand. Standing mindlessly, you walked to the front door and gripped the handle. « Okay then⊠You can leave. If thatâs really what you believe. Your mind is made up, right ? Iâm an evil bitch, and Iâve been trying to drive a wedge between you two. So leave. »Â
You stood your ground, firm. « If you do, do not come back. Ever. »
« ____. » Your eyes found Seongmokâs. « Thatâs not what we think. It really isnât. I promise you. Please, believe me when I say this. »
The two of you went back and forth. All the while, Donghaâs frustration seeped from every pore. His heart hammered in his chest. Soon, it felt like his ears were plugged, the sounds in the room muddled together. Both of your voices were distorted, his hearing impaired by the rush of blood. His running thoughts joined the cacophony.Â
Until it was too much.
« You like him. »Â
It rang in the tight space, silencing everything.Â
He repeated, for good measure. « You have feelings for him. Are you going to deny that ? »Â
He approached and your hand tightened around the handle. He grimaced, but didnât slow his approach until he was barely a breath away from you. Pointing a thumb behind him, he grated the words out. « Go ahead. Look me in my eyes and tell me you donât feel anything for him. You do that, then Iâll know if youâre nothing but a fucking liar. »
Dongha watched as you threw a quick glance to Seongmok. You quickly looked away, tucking a stray strand of hair behind your ear, almost self-conscious. He put a finger under your chin, drawing your focus back towards him. Your pupils veered from left to right as you struggled to maintain eye contact.
You remained mute.
Then your eyelids curtained down and he didnât need you to say a thing to get his answer.Â
So you couldnât say it out loud either.Â
There went the last thread of hope his heart clung onto⊠He hadnât even realized it was there. Until you wordlessly yanked on it and it unraveled, all at once.Â
Betrayal singed him. He stumbled back and away from you.
So he wasnât crazy after all.
There was no stopping the spiral. The theory built up, each idea supporting the next one until the whirlwind was big enough to stand on its own, wrecking through any counter-argument his stubborn heart tried to advocate in your defense.Â
His shoulders deflated. « All along itâs really been about him hasnât it ? You got close to me, managed to weasel your way in. I thought I could have it all, so fucking focused on myself and what I wanted. I failed to see it. Iâm nothing but a fucking placeholder. » He gripped his hair, face hot, eyes stinging. He pushed down the rising knot in his throat.
Next thing he knew, you were pressed against him, hands gripping his arms, doing your best to move his big frame. Your head shook violently. « No. Noânoâno, babe. I swear thatâs not it. You need to believe me. »
He shrugged your hands off. « Donât call me thatâDonât. » He chuckled, putting some space between you. « Iâm such a fucking idiot⊠I shouldâve figured it out that first night. Youâre always just⊠conveniently okay with him tagging alongâand asking about him when heâs not. Always fucking doing your best to get a rise out of him. »
Your mouth opened : no words.Â
His words came out strangled, the pain in his voice unmistakable. « What the fuck ? »
He turned towards Seongmok, as if he could help him understand whatever was happening. But Seongmok just stood there, gawking at you, stunned speechless.Â
You blinked at him owlishly. Then you said it.Â
« I love you, Dongha. »
Whiplash threatened to kill him. The desperate edge to your voice didnât prevent the rush from seizing his whole body. His fingers, toes, scalp. Everything tingled.
But you werenât done with your confession. You looked down and away, voice timid.
« And because I do, I thinkâ » Your eyes flickered between the two of them.
The moment stretched, almost endless.Â
Oh no, she wouldnât dare.Â
Dongha braced for impact.Â
« I think I also love you⊠Seongmok. »Â
Nuclear bomb.Â
You obliterated everything. Left the three of you petrified.Â
Donghaâs tongue turned to ash in his mouth. He couldn't tell how long they all just stood there, mum.
He could only watch, stupefied, as Seongmok marched towards you, face hard. Surprisingly, he was the first to break the silence. « Donât fucking say that. That would meanâYou canât fucking say that, ____. »
A tear rolled down your cheek and it was his turn to step away. He braced against the wall, needing the support.Â
Dongha finally snapped out of it. He piped up, voice filled with awe. « Youâre one crazy, crazy bitch. Arenât you ? »Â
The truth will set you free, they said. And apparently it really did. Emboldened by your revelations, the protest poured out of you. « Did you really give me a fucking choice in the matter, Dongha ? Huh ? »
The scowl on your face was so deep, it wouldâve made him laugh in any other circumstances.Â
« From the very beginning, every single date weâve had, Seongmok was there. Then every time I was worried sick about you. Every time you pushed me away like nothing but a fucking parasite, he was there. Every fight. Every happy memory. Was I supposed to fucking ignore him ? »
Fuck. You had a point.
But you were on a roll now. So you failed to catch the softening of his eyebrows. The unclenching of his hands. The small crack in his armor.Â
You carried on with your rant, voice getting louder. The confidence pushed your chest forward, your head higher.
« At this point the only thing you do that he doesnât isâ »Â
You cut yourself off, a snarl barely concealed on your trembling lips. Fists clenched, you bit your tongue.
It was too little too late. Your big mouth would be the death of you someday. Heâd often paid a hefty price for it. He chuckled dryly as a fresh layer of steel wrapped around his wounded heart.Â
« Is what ? Kiss you ? Touch you ? Fuck you ? Or perhaps you already did most of that and I just didnât know. »Â
Each sentence was punctuated by a step until he was right in front of you. He cornered you against the door, thrown back to the night of his birthday party. The night had always rubbed him the wrong way. Heâd had no idea why. Now he did.Â
The mean glint in his voice couldnât be helped. « Youâre certainly thinking about it arenât you ? »
You gave him a pointed look and glanced at his friend. His eyes didnât leave your face and you shrugged, defiant as always. « Do I think about it ? Absolutely, yes. Iâve already told you that, Dongha. Iâd be lying if I said it didnât cross my mind. Often. »
Blood rushed down south and he wanted to kick himself.
Now is not the fucking time, buddy.
Your hands lifted and you almost set them against his chest. He zoomed in on them, then back to your face.Â
You froze, letting them dangle back down between you. « We did nothing, babe. Heâd never do that to you. Not behind your back. Neither would I. »
He blew out an exasperated breath. « Youâre basically telling me youâre halfway in love with my best friend and you want to fuck him. Donât act like Iâm being the unreasonable one, ____. »
You sighed.
He had a point. And you knew it.
Dongha glanced towards Seongmok, and caught him admiring you in obvious wonder, and a hint of something he didnât want to analyze. In truth, heâd always looked at you longer than appropriate. Dongha had let it slide becauseâhe didnât really know why he did. Or he did.
Maybe he just⊠got it.
He turned back to you, taking you in from head to toe. The pained wince on your delicate face. He noticed for the first time tonight that you were wearing one of his oversized shirts youâd basically adopted as your own. There was a stain on it that he was sure came from whatever flavor of ice cream youâd munched on, even now in the dead of winter. He stopped at your feet, studying your mismatched socks. The left one was light pink and went up almost to your knee. The right one was bright orange and stopped right above your ankle.Â
His heart squeezed. « Youâd never do that to me ? »
Your toes curled, the motion visible through the fabric. « Never. I told you. I love you, Dongha. »
He flinched.
Then he smiled sadly, the curve pulling downward. « Okay. Then what did you do to stop it ? »
Silence.
He continued. « Seongmok tried to. To his credit. He dipped. Hard as it mightâve been. But what did you do ? »
You rubbed your hands together, playing with your fingers. « Itâs not that simple⊠IâSeongmok doesnât feel⊠I thought after a while we could go back to how things were. I wasâI wouldâve just delt with it. IâŠÂ »
Dongha nodded, looking away.
« Ahh. Seongmok doesnât feel the same wayâŠÂ » He tilted his head at Seongmok. « Right ? »Â
Seongmokâs hands flexed as both of you looked his way. His mouth opened, then closed. He closed his eyes, cursing under his breath.Â
You gaped at him, caught off guard and Dongha studied you intently as he uttered the next words. « Would it change something if he did ? »
You shook your head in disbelief. « No, he⊠IâSeongmok ? »
Seongmok bit his lip and looked at his shoes. But his twitchy hands gave him away as always. You touched a troubled hand to your lips when it clicked.Â
He watched while you processed the news.Â
Heâd strayed from his usual ways since meeting you. Made room for you in his routine.Â
His mistake.Â
It had always been the two of them. Three was called an odd number for a reason. Odd was⊠complicated.Â
And now it was all a mess.Â
Seongmok had feelings for you. Stronger than heâd anticipated. And you had feelings forâno. You loved Seongmok. Your words.Â
Where did that leave hiâWe donât do complicated.
Dongha steeled himself, mind made up.Â
He inhaled deep. His resolve almost broke as he relished the scent that heâd come to classify as solely you. It was a heady mix.
The flowery, clean scent of your laundry detergent stood out. Reminded him of his own sheets. Heâd spent nearly ten minutes sniffing your pillows like a crackhead that first night you spent together after you came back from your hometown. Naturally, youâd bought him a shit ton of the same pods you used when doing your laundry. « That way you can have me all over your bed, even when Iâm away. »
Your bold perfume tickled his nose next. He wouldnât admit it to anyone, but heâd stopped at the store damn near every week while you were gone. He always went straight to the shelf holding your usual perfume and sprayed it on a sample stick. The stick stayed in his pocket everywhere he went. As soon as he had a moment alone, he would pull it out and smell it.
Finally there were the warm notes of whatever room fragrance you sprayed everyday. This threw him back to the soft evenings the two of you spent right here, making loveâHe forced the breath out.Â
You and Seongmok were still lost in each otherâs eyes.Â
The two of you sure looked good together.Â
He couldnât stand to see that a second longer.Â
He stepped up to you and you startled back to the moment.Â
Cupping your face, his thumbs feathered on your soft cheeks. You grasped his wrists, exhaling in relief at the contact.
With the same damn knot stuck in his throat, he pressed his lips to yours. Once. Twice.Â
Then he lingered close, fingers quaking on the nape of your neck.
Damn. This was more difficult than he expected.
He kissed you again, tasting salt. From your tears. Or maybe his. He didnât know. His raw voice was quiet. Far too quiet. « I donât see a way out this time, ____. »
He stepped back. Paused.
His eyes veered towards Seongmok.
« Dongha, I shouldâve said something earlier. Iâ Donât... »Â
Facing the front door, Dongha deliberately avoided looking at the two of you. « You two can do whatever you want, I wonât stand in the way. I just canât stay here⊠waiting for you to fucking push me out. »Â
You clutched his wrists and he tugged them free, his sore neck twisted away from you.
« Dongha. Baby, please. Donât leaveâDonât. I love you. »
His eyes shut tightly. It would be easier like that. He had to go back to how things were before you came in the picture. Theyâd been fine before you. Theyâd be fine again after you left. Acid burned at the back of his throat. Maybe Seongmok had it right after all.Â
His hand paused on the handle.Â
He had to dip.
Before you genuinely broke hisâ « I canât stand to fucking see you anymore, ____. This whole joke of a relationship ? Iâm done with it. »
The words tasted wrong.Â
But heâd said them.Â
So that was that.Â
Your mouth gaped, a sob breaking through. Seongmok rushed where the two of you stood, grasping his shoulder. « Dongha-yaâŠÂ »
« Seongmok-a. » The biting look was enough for Seongmok to know that nothing either of you said right now would make a difference. He let go, hand going to the back of his neck, rubbing the skin raw.
Before you could talk and rope him in, he opened the door, vanishing into the night.
Soooo there it goes... I thought I was done with this story but I guess I have two more parts to go still !
Hope you're happy I don't know if you guys think the story is just dragging or if the slow pace is actually appreciated but this story has become dear to me so.. I didn't want to rush the ending đ
I tried to write most of this chapter in Dongha's POV and I haven't done so too much in this whole story so I hope I managed to nail it
It's a bit more messy than usual but then again, so is every break up right ?
Anyway, let me know how your thoughts and I'll see in the last chapters... Do let me know how you think this will end đ
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I write adult content and treat grown themes so MDNI (18+). Iâm sure Iâll forget to list some triggers but Iâll try my best not to do so!
(Part. 3) // (Part. 5)
Genre ~ Angst, Smut (a teensy tiny bit)
Summary ~ Reader meets Dongha and Seongmok. Little by little, she's sucked into their duo, the distinction between the two more and more difficult to make.
Warnings ~ canon divergence (the union wasn't dissolved), AU (the characters are older, towards end of UNI), smoking, cussing, violence, sexual themes
wc ~ 8k
Song suggestion : "It's wrong, but you make me feel right"
A/n ~ Reader is referred to as « ____ »
As always, Reblog, like and COMMENT ! I love to talk with you guys đ„°
Sorry again for the long wait ! I was STRUGGLING with this one. I thought I knew what I was going with but then I read what I already had and it felt like it didn't match with all that went on in Part 3.
This is ANGST CENTRAL so buckle up đ«Ł
I do have a somewhat happy ending planned so bare with me !!!
The song really fits this part a lot. It was actually the one I was listening to when I got the idea for this whole fic đ„° Just thought Iâd share that tidbit with yâall
OCTOBER
Are you still watching ?
The pop-up blinked on your screen, an episode of the show you wereânotâwatching paused in the background. Your phone sat on the living roomâs crooked table, quaking from the force of your shaky leg. You tapped the screen. 2:06 A.M. The ground was hard against your butt and you shifted, trying to get rid of the numbness. Dongha had warned you heâd be by later than usual. Still, at 1 A.M. youâd had enough and tried calling him. Once. Twice. Then youâd stopped counting.Â
Whatever. One more time couldnât hurt. You pressed the phone against your ear.
The person youâre trying to reach is currentlyâ
Leave it to Dongha to remember a phone needs charging. Or maybe heâs had enough of this shit and finally blocked you. As he should.Â
Enough.Â
You pulled up Seongmokâs contact, staring at the call button for a minute. Two weeks. Not a word between you in two long weeks. It couldâve been fine. That is, if your last words to him hadnât been so⊠inappropriate.Â
« God, that was hot. »Â
The flash hit you at least once a day since. And every time it did, you clutched your head, mortified. This time was no different.Â
Another memory hit you even more often than your slip-up. The dark room. The faint sliver of light from the bathroom. Dongha leaving your arms to wash your embrace away. The coldness of the tiles under your damp skin.
« Ouch. Fuck. » You pulled the mauled fingernail out of your mouth, a single drop shining crimson where the skin had ripped high on your knuckle. Before you chickened out, you licked the blood away and hit the call button as the bitter metallic taste clung to your tongue.Â
Seongmok always answered when you called. You could kill two birds with one stone. The two of you would reconnect and heâd save the rest of your fingers from harm. Youâd have yet another thing to thankâ
The person youâre trying to reach is currently unavailable. Please leave a message after the tone.
You blinked at the phone. The loud beep snapped you out of your stupor and you hung up before leaving an embarrassingly long blank message in his inbox. Scratching furiously at your throat, you pulled up your message thread.
You : Everything ok?
The read mention appeared so quickly, you wondered if he was getting ready to text you.
Seongmok : Yeah.Â
Clearly not. You pushed, all kinds of scenarios running through your head.Â
You : You sure ? You didnât pick up, I thought something might be up
The lock unbolted and Donghaâs tall body appeared in the doorway. You discarded your phone and jumped up, rushing him with a tight hug. « Iâve been calling babe. »
He huffed out a laugh. Fishing his phone out of his pocket, he showed you the dead device. « Yeah. Battery died. » He shrugged. « Told you not to wait for me though, sweetheart. »Â
He tried to ease your arms off, like he meant to get a better look at you. It only made you squeeze harder and he let out a small, nervous snigger. His hands twitched on your arms again so you took a deep breath. You composed yourself as best as you could and your fingers unclawed from the rough material of his jacket. You could only imagine the wild picture you made right now. Eyes burning from how wide they were opened, clothes rumpled from slumping on the floor, muscles locked up. If you looked even halfway as unhinged as you felt, he would definitely tick.Â
He pressed a hand to your forehead, head tilted. « Hey⊠you okay ? »Â
Your head bobbed, almost too quickly and he brushed a troubled glance all the way down to your clenched toes and up again. « Right. While I appreciate the concern, you can relax ____. Iâm not made of sugar. Whatâs really going on ? Youâre not usually this⊠clingy. » He grimaced at the word like it didnât quite fit, but didnât offer another.
It snagged somewhere under your ribs. You chortled timidly, hoping it would help cover the sting as you considered the question. You shook your head, the laughter more confident when you pushed his hand away, starting for the couch. « Nothing. And I wasnât waiting for you. I just⊠lost track of time watching my show. Then I saw how late it was and... and you didnât answer and I just worried when I saw⊠like⊠Itâs dark outside. Thatâs all. » Your voice cracked and you clamped your mouth shut, eyes darting around the room.
He threw a look at the frozen screen for a second before meeting your eyes again. Skepticism settled in his expression as he removed his shoes, almost absently. « Mmhmm, okayâŠÂ » With quick moves, you shut the TV off.
Rubbing at your arms, you observed him, bent over, watching you. The position had unruly strands falling over his eye, the shadows giving an almost feline quality to his stare. You caught the glint of the overhead lights on his glossy, black hair and imagined running your hands in his soft mane, messing it up even more. He straightened and it was like his tall figure filled the entire space in the room. Your lifeline towards sanity. His warmth was the only thing that cut through the ice curling inside you lately. He touched you and the bad thoughts quieted. The noise had been deafening tonight.Â
Stepping backwards leisurely towards your bedroom, you beckoned him to come to you. « Since weâre both awake, why donât you come and help me relax now that youâre here ? »
He smirked, the worry dimming but not quite gone as heat crept into his eyes. Your hands dragged sensually over the hem of your top and you pulled it up and off, baring your chest to him. His gaze dragged over you, fully predatory now. You smiled seductively before running off to your bed. He quickly caught up to you and soon you were both writhing towards your own highs, your restlessness temporarily buried under his comforting weight.
***
You stared at his sleeping form, the strong set of his jaw almost delicate now that he wasnât awake to clench it. The soft moonlight made the pastel sheets glow cloudy white all around him, his features downright angelic. Ironic considering the mayhem he raised when awake. You almost envied him. His slumber was as tranquil as yours had been disturbed lately. You blinked, making out the bathroom door in the shadowy room. Just like that, your head went back to you sitting on that damn kitchen counter. You squeezed your lids shut, turning away from him.Â
One. Two. Three. Four⊠Counting sheep never helped. With a mind of their own, your eyes fell back open, staring straight at your phone. Bad idea. Insomnia 101 : your phone is public-enemy number one. Back to ceiling-watching it was.Â
You bit your lip, thinking back to your earlier phone call. It was the first time Seongmok had ever been too busy to answer. He deserved a bit of grace. He seemed off though.
What ifâenough. You gave up and grabbed the phone, only to come face to face with Seongmokâs dry answer.
Seongmok : Canât pick up.
Your heart sank. He always gave you more than this. You swallowed, eyebrows drawing together. His blank face came back to you, his eyes more closed off than ever before. Rubbing your head against your pillow, you dropped the phone down on the mattress. Get it together, girl. Maybe youâre the one making it weird.
You took a deep breath, exhaling slowly. You needed to let that go. It wasnât that big of a deal. Not unless you made it one. With that in mind, you closed your eyes, willing sleep to come.
You blew out the breath you didnât realize you were holding. Whatever reason Seongmok had to leave the table before you arrived, you relished it. His absence allowed you to regain composure before you finally saw him. The whole way here, your stomach had clenched painfully. At times in dread, others in relief. Either youâd get back the quiet banter to hush five weeksâ worth of paranoia⊠or youâd find the strained look that haunted you day and night. Then youâd have confirmation you had fucked things up. Royally.
Dongha spotted you and jerked his head, signaling for you to join him. Hurrying inside, you closed the distance before you could think twice. Your lips found his skin, lingering in a wet kiss. You smiled when his cheek softened and his arm settled around your waist pulling you closer.Â
Excited now, you hummed at the sugary scent wafting out of his cup. « Do they have menus around ? Or do we have to scan some QR code ? These look so good. »Â
Dongha lifted an eyebrow and gestured to the drink farthest from him. « Something wrong with this ? I ordered your favorite⊠I think. »
You pulled away as far back as he allowed you, searching around. « Oh. This is for me ? »
Dongha frowned. « Well, yes ? If you want it, I guess. » He chuckled and his thumb stopped where it had been rubbing circles across your back. « Did I mess it up or something ? »Â
Even to your own ears, the giggle sounded off. Cold fluttered down your neck and across your shoulders as your gaze darted every which way. You recovered quickly. « Of course I want it ! Thank you, babe. » You reached for the drink, inhaling the sweet steam. He did get it right. The familiar aroma did nothing for you though. The first sip struggled past the lump in your throat, plummeting down in your churning stomach.Â
He eyed you intently, and the weight in your belly grew heavier by the second. You pinched your lips, the expression caught between a smile and a grimace. « Itâs just⊠I thought it was Seongmokâs order. »Â
He stilled. « âŠOf course. » The mumble was so low, you werenât sure you heard him correctly. His huff was barely contained as he let you go, slumping against the backrest. « Okay. Itâs not. »
You nodded, waiting for more. It never came. Instead, silence stretched between you. Clearing your throat, you looked away, smile painfully artificial when you lightly inquired. «So, where is he anyway ? Havenât seen him in a minute. »Â
Dongha grinned, all teeth. « Heâs not my bodyguard, he has a life you know. Said it was family stuff. » You studied him. The flared nose, his stiff tongue rolling around the inside of his cheek. Okay. So thatâs where he was at today then. You put your palms up, letting it go with a shrug.
By the end of the date, you were ready to call it a day and curl up on your couch. By yourself. A sardonic curve tugged at your lips as you watched Dongha get into it with some poor guy who bumped into you on your way out. He sure could be obnoxious when he wanted to be. For a split-second, you actually looked for Seongmok, like you often did. You hung your head, mumbling to yourself. « Seongmok-a where are you when we need you. »Â
You pulled out your phone and captured the moment. Dongha was red in the face, gripping the guyâs jacket. The picture made you laugh before you even sent it.
You : *1 attachment*
You : Someoneâs all grumpy âcause youâre not around. Come back to us đ
You : For the greater good. Seriously
Read
A minute later, it was obvious you wouldnât get any answer. The drink sloshed around in your gut. Hopefully whatever was going on with his family wasnât too much to handle.Â
~~~
Youâd been sulking all evening, your sour mood practically painted across your face. The guys gave you a wide berth. The daggers youâd been shooting with your eyes deterred them from even attempting any type of conversation. Good. You didnât feel like talking. Not anymore.Â
Your expectations had dwindled throughout the evening, morphing into annoyance when you understood heâdâyet againâbe a no-show. If this game of cat and mouse went on any longer, youâd end up believing Seongmok had been a figment of your imagination all along.Â
Him ghosting the dates was one thing. While youâd come to expect him there, his presence was technically not required at all. The whole thing could even be deemed weird by normal peopleâs standards, so youâd let it slide. But the bowling center ? This was basically his place of employment, for Godâs sake. Was he really that desperate to dodge you ?Â
Relax, youâre not the center of the world.
The thought sobered you. You felt selfish every time it popped up. The guilt had quickly soured your mood. Bitterness made worse when you realized how easy it all wouldâve been if the roles were reversed. Seongmok had always been the one to smooth things over when Dongha acted out of character. So it was jarring to see how little Dongha was actually giving you now that Seongmok was the unreachable one.Â
You glowered in his direction once more. His other half was nowhere to be found. Again.
It rubbed you the wrong way. How he pretended like all of this was normal. Like his absence shouldnât be so painfully obvious when the three of you had spent practically a year attached at the hip.Â
You wanted to ask. You were dying to, in fact. Yeah. Because that went well the last timeâŠÂ
But then again, Dongha had acted so sweet all evening, and here you were, cursing him in your head⊠The guilt snapped right back into place.Â
An arm bumped into yours. Its owner dropped in the empty seat next to you. You barely moved your head, eyes swiveling to see whoâd be foolish enough to poke the bear.Â
Seongje. Of fucking course.
If the wicked expression told you anything, it was that he would definitely say something to piss you off. « Not now, Seongje. Iâm really not in the mood. »
He put his palms up, the fake-innocent performance barely credible. Surprisingly he did shut up, sprawling in the seat, eyes on his phone. You relaxed some, glare going back to its original target.
« Trouble in paradise ? »
You sighed. You shouldâve known better than to lower your guard around Seongje. « What ? You tired of seeing me around or something ? Dongha and I are fine. » The last bit sounded way harsher than intended.
Seongje coughed out a short laugh, attention still riveted on his phone. He mumbled. « I wasnât even talking about him. »Â
Your eyebrows knit in confusion. « Huh ? »
He waved the comment off. « Never mind. » He shrugged, regarding you with more earnestness than you thought him capable of. « And I kind of like you. Youâre your boyfriendâs best quality, sweetheart. »
You softened some. « Appreciate that. I kind of like you too. »Â
« Hey ! » He hissed, rubbing at his arm where youâd pinched him. « What was that for ? »
« Donât speak ill of Dongha. » You deadpanned.
Huffing, he stood. « Youâre no fun tonight. » His knuckles lightly rapped on the table as goodbye and you watched him walk off. Great. How do you even repel Seongje, of all people ?
He walked past Dongha and announced loud enough for you to hear. « Take your girl out of here you dumbass. She looks miserable. »
Dongha looked over as you gaped, astounded. You flipped him off and he winked, tugging a small snicker out of you. « Asshole. »Â
He was gone as fast as heâd appeared. You could always count on him to have you cracking up at the most inappropriate times. Seongje was also way more observant than he was praised for. He was often the first to pick up on shifts in the room.
You wouldnât admit it but you owed him a thank you. Dongha took you back to your place a few minutes after that. You really didnât feel like being around people tonight. Not anyone in that place, anyway.
***
The chilly breeze blew against your cheek. You tightened your hold around Donghaâs shoulders, grip almost too taut, chin burrowed deeper in the crook of his neck. He readjusted you, hiding his freezing hands under your knees once he had you secured higher on his back. You hissed at the contact and watched as a white cloud of mist left his mouth and faded away. His teeth stopped clattering long enough for a short laugh. « Youâre tickling me. Thank fuck weâre almost there. Ten more minutes and I was freezing to death. »Â
Your eyes drifted from his handsome face to take in your surroundings. You recognized the street. In fact, you were only two buildings away from yours. The trip had passed by in a blur. Lulled by Donghaâs scent, youâd zoned out, grateful for the silence. His steady pace rocked you halfway to sleep.Â
He unlocked your front door and entered the safety of your quaint place with you in tow, helped you slide off his back, then crouched to take your shoes off. You braced on his strong shoulders, reveling in the gentleness of his hands. When he was done, he slid his jacket off your shoulders, fingers brushing over your skin. « Damn, sweetheart. Why didnât you tell me you were so cold ? I wouldâve called a cab or something. » He rubbed his hands over your arms, trying his best to get you warm. Your numb skin slowly came back to life while you marveled at his concerned face. He truly was on his best behavior. Which somehow made it that much worse tonight.
Your hands lifted to cup his jaw and his shoulders came up protectively against his neck. « Oh fuck, youâre like a giant ice cube. You sure you not sick or somethinâ ? » He ran his palms over your hands, heating them. You nodded, a watery smile slipping through. He paused, eyes sweeping across your face. The soft kiss to your forehead almost did you in. His touch anchored you down to earth. Breath catching when he pulled away, you puffed in relief when he quickly kicked off his shoes and came right back to you.Â
He bent and swept you off your feet. Smiling at your surprised giggle, he headed straight to the bathroom. Motionless, you watched his eyebrows scrunch in concentration as he fussed with the lever, struggling to find the perfect temperature. Once he was satisfied, he shed your clothes. He quickly discarded his own clothes, then took hold of your waist, leading you towards the spray.Â
The hot water hit your back and your whole body finally fired up. Just what you needed. The ache in your chest intensified the deeper you inhaled as your lungs filled all the way. Muscles loosening up one by one, you breathed the words softly. « Thank you. » Your head settled against the wall and your eyes fell closed.
Steam was building up around you, fogging up the glass pane behind Dongha. The scene was almost dream-like. Your only clear sight was his broad shoulders and hard face, floating above the damp cloud. He studied you, an inquisitive gleam in his eyes. A beat. His mouth opened, hesitant. You spoke before he could. « Kiss me. »
He stiffened for a second before his eyes dropped down to your lips. His hands moved first, fingers feathering over where they rested on your waist. Closing the short distance between your bodies, he hiked you up and you wrapped your legs around him. Hands going to the back of his neck, you ran careful fingers in the short hair there. Whatever restraint he had, broke. His mouth found yours in a kiss deep enough to make everything else fall away for a while.
***
Back flat on your big bed, you raised your hands, admiring your pruned fingers. Your mind was blissfully blank as you savored the peace Dongha had managed to bring you. Yet again. And here youâd been, resenting him for most of the night. You tried to snuff the racing thoughts as they snuck back up. And still, something felt wrong.
« For what itâs worth, Iâm glad youâre here. »Â
Seongmok had been candid with you that night. The mere possibility that he was avoiding the places he loved because of you made you sick. Especially when heâd made you feel like you were exactly where you were meant to be when Dongha himself had been reluctant.Â
You swallowed and looked over at him. He was already watching you, questions on the tip of his tongue. You had questions too.
You stayed silent. Both of you. Neither of you dared open Pandoraâs box.Â
Not very surprising coming from Dongha. He never did. His preferred method of dealing with discomfort was to bury his head in the sand until the storm passed. As for you, just this once, you took a page from his book. A whole chapter, really. You didnât trust yourself to say anything to him without making things worse. Not with how frayed your nerves felt for the past few weeks. And for now, you didnât have Seongmok as a bridge in case things went awry.
Donghaâs phone rang. He blinked the haze away, turning his back as you blew out a breath, your gaze easing back to the ceiling.Â
He listened to the person on the other end for a minute.Â
« Now ? Shit, yeah give me a minute Iâll be right down. »Â
That caught your attention. You sat upright, the big collar of Donghaâs shirt sliding off your shoulder. « Whoâs that ? »Â
He looked at the bare skin, then assessed your face for a beat before he answered. « Itâs Seongmok. Heâs waiting for me out front. »
You nodded, eyes lighting up despite yourself. If you could just hear his voice, look into his eyes. You needed this. Hopping up and off the bed, you clasped your hands. « Iâll see you out then. »Â
You trailed Dongha to the door, almost bumping into him when he paused right in front of the door to put his shoes on. When he was done, he turned to you. « Hey. Are you okay ? You feel⊠off. »
His eyes raked over youâlip trapped between your teeth, hand at your neck, fingers scrubbing at the skin there. Several seconds passed and you gestured to the door, eyes darting away. « Someoneâs waiting for you, I think. »Â
He nodded and opened the door, hand pausing on the handle. Blocking your vision with his body, he kissed you hard and your heartbeat kicked up a notch, going dangerously high. « Iâll call you tomorrow alright ? » You nodded. He rearranged the shirt, covering your shoulder. It was useless, the material fell back down as he walked down the stairs. Your view of the street opened as he walked away, until Seongmok came into view.Â
***
You sat on the ground next to your couch, numbly flipping through your Netflix catalog. Wet droplets still rolled from your hair onto the cotton shirt you wore, the damp material clinging to your skin uncomfortably. A shiver pulled you back to the TVâs idle screen. 3:15 A.M. Fuck. Youâd zoned out longer than you thought. Dongha had left about an hour earlier. You hadnât been able to get out of your own head. Before you realized it, an hour had passed, feeling more like sixty seconds.Â
« Family stuff ». Thatâs what he said every time. And it was all bullshit.
Told you, every man is the lying type, honey.
You hadnât realized how much you had missed him before you saw him standing there down your front steps. The first thing you felt was genuine delight. Time stilled with him. The familiar hyper-awareness kicked in. You felt it everywhere his eyes lingered. Your bare toes painted pink. Your thighs, barely covered by Donghaâs oversized shirt. The wet spots that darkened the fabric where thin streams of water had rolled over your skin. He paused at your shoulder, exposed through the collar. You caught the brief flare of his nostrils before he looked up.
Your heart constricted when he lowered his head the second your eyes met. Heâd never shied away from your gaze. Save for that one timeâŠÂ
« God, that was hot. »Â
You almost ducked back into the apartment and closed the door. The memory brought a shudder of embarrassment through your body. The quiver settled low in your stomach. You wrapped your arms around your middle, steadying the restless fidgeting. You needed to hear his voice. So you steeled your spine, focused on his face. After an uncomfortable moment, you gave in and addressed him first. « Hello, Seongmok. »Â
He shoved his twitchy hands in his pockets and nodded, head still down. « Hey, ____. You should go back inside, itâs cold out. »Â
That was it. The short, clinical dismissal cut deeper than it should. Prickles of pain nicked your lungs, each breath turning shallow and empty.Â
So he was, in fact, avoiding you.
Lingering for a few seconds more, you switched your gaze to Dongha. You tried to focus on his warmth, willing it to make up for his friendâs icy greeting. He jerked his head towards your apartment with a tiny wink and you managed what you hoped was a convincing smile. You didnât risk a look back as you twirled around and hurried back inside, nose burning.
The small crack had seized your heart when you saw the protective walls go back up around Seongmok at the party. It had been stretching, growing steady with each unanswered text. Every time he dodged an outing. Each time you expected to see him, only for an empty spot to shine blindingly bright. The chasm deepened. Tonight, it broke, shattering your heart with surgical precision. All of the fears that had festered spilled out at once, the pain so vivid it numbed everything else.
Another droplet. The chills wracked through you again. 3:57 A.M.Â
You stood, turned off the lights, and headed straight to bed. You laid sideways on your bed, trying to close your eyes and sleep. Loneliness slowly enveloped you, pulling you under.Â
The idea came in a flash. You turned towards the only person you knew would make it better, if only a tiny bit. Pulling up your phone, you texted your sister.
 You : You were right.
You wished she was there next to you as you set the phone down. Youâd just wait for her to wake up. Not like it was your first all-nighter lately anyway.Â
The phone buzzed, startling you. You snatched it up.Â
Brat : I know.
You chuckled at her answer, a tear escaping.
You : You donât even know what Iâm talking about.
Your phone rang and you picked up
Donât need to know what youâre talking about. Iâm always right. What am I right about here, though ? Wait donât tell me. Is this about Mr. Boyfriend ? Is he a weirdo or something ? We need to slash his tires. Oh wait ! Is this about teddy bear guy ? It is about him, isnât it ? I KNEW IT !
Wow. Twenty seconds. She went from smug to angry to mischievous. The whiplash alone mightâve made you laugh if you werenât on the verge of tears.Â
You swallowed again, trying to rein in the tears. It was no use. The dam broke.
I ruined everything ! He wonât even look at me nowâŠ
Your sister tried to soothe, voice shaky.
Oh no. Hey, calm down, please⊠You know I canât stand it when you cry. Whatâs going on exactly ? Tell me everything and weâll figure it out.
And so you poured your heart out to her.Â
The sun was already peeking through the horizon when you hung up, exhausted. Sleep finally pulled you in, the call leaving you hollow.Â
NOVEMBER
You were determined not to shed one more tear. Not until you had a proper talk with Seongmok.Â
Denial came easy.
This wouldnât last. He couldnât run forever.Â
Right ?Â
But days went by. Weeks. An entire month. Then it occurred to you that perhaps he planned to do just that. No goodbye. No hearing what you had to say. Like youâd meant nothing all along. Heâd crawled under your skin, and by the time you got used to it, he deserted. Never looked back. This stung more than it should.Â
The resentment ate at you. Rage simmered, until it boiled. Sometimes, it spilled over. You tried not to take it out on him⊠but your boyfriend was the perfect target. Infamous short fuse and all. And you werenât above triggering it if it meant you got the release you needed, one way or another.Â
It started as petty arguments over insignificant things you wouldâve usually let slide. Instead, you nitpicked. You questioned. Ultimately, you got louder and louder with each other. Eventually, he tired and let you have the last word, your frustration temporarily appeased.
Lately though, it didnât satisfy you anymore. Things escalated and the fights got messier. Your voice rose high enough to break glass, so he met it with growls so low they sent shivers down your spine. You called him names, so he cussed you out.Â
Then you slapped him. And everything halted but your heartbeat.Â
The contact was a call to the darkness he held inside. Like Pavlovâs dog, you rang and it came out, starving. His complexion reddened, whole body vibrating with pent-up energy. When he gripped you, it was with strong but careful hands. As if he had to concentrate not to squeeze so tight he genuinely hurt you.Â
Then he brought you pain in the only way he knew he could get away with, and you clung to him like youâd drift away if you didnât. Your kisses were frantic, teeth clashing, tongues dueling, a fight for dominance he always won when he pushed inside you. His brutal pace never failed to bring you to your release, his own never far behind.
You collapsed right where you were, holding onto each other. Against your front door, bent over the bathroom sink, on the sofa, the kitchen floor. Your chests heaved in sync to the same erratic rhythm, coming down slowly. Then steady. For a moment. Until the fragile bliss, crumbling bit by bit, dropped you right back where you started.
The fights went by and you pushed further, secretly elated when he reached the point where you barely recognized him anymore. The edge to his words was far sharper than what you were used to coming from him.Â
But not unfamiliar.Â
The thrill of seeing him like that was always overshadowed by the guilt you felt when you realized heâd suffered the brunt of your anger once more. So you made it up to him in the only way you knew would make him forget the ugliness, if only for a short while. Your soft touch was barely enough to soothe the spitefulness that remained after all was said and done.Â
You repeated the cycle anyway.Â
Loud, rhythmic banging cut through yours and Donghaâs screaming fit, the sound coming from the apartment above. Great. Hopefully, no one will call the police this time. Neither of you spoke. Eyes fixed on the ceiling, you waited for an eventual comment from yourâdeservedly soâenraged upstairs neighbor. Nothing.Â
Dongha blew out the breath he was holding, then turned to you, head shaking. « Youâre a fucking lunatic. I canât get in trouble with the cops again, ____. Iâm out of here. »Â
Chest moving erratically, you watched as Dongha bent to put his shoes back on. This wasnât how it went. He couldnât leave youânot like this.Â
It was lightning-fast.Â
The remote flew out of your hand and shattered against the door next to him.
He froze on the spot, his face angled away from you.Â
An eerie quiet blanketed the room, the only sound being the batteries rolling on the floor.Â
The first one stopped right next to his shoe.Â
He straightened up carefully, his somber features coming into view. Tight forehead, strong brows knit over hard eyes, lips firm, jaw clenched.Â
There it was. You did it this time. The last time heâd looked at you like that was followed by him choking an orgasm out of you. Literally. Twisted heat stabbed deep inside you. The brazen thoughts left you panting in need for the rush that his rough hands brought you.
Â
Your attention drifted down to your feet as the second shiny battery thumped against your bare toes. A flash. Your wrecked clothes left unattended that same night. This was turning into a new routine. An unhealthy one.Â
It had to stop.Â
Your hands shook as you stooped to fetch it. When you straightened back up, Dongha was still watching you, his expression shuttered. Not this. Not again. The breach in your chest deepened.Â
You rushed him, but he stopped you right before you could wrap yourself around him. The drawl sounded like it came straight from his gut. « Iâm gonna go now, ____. »
Eyes watering, you grabbed his face. « No⊠kiss me. » Your grip on his neck was almost bruising as you leaned in to press your lips to his. He turned away and you caught his jaw instead. « Fuck. Iâm sorry, babe. Please donât leave. Dongha, Iâm sorry. »
He peeled your hands off of him, holding you at armâs length. His stare sent a chill through you. « You need to fucking get it together. I mean it. »
His nose scrunched up and you felt his hands barely tighten on your arms before he dropped them like they burned his palms. His tight fists trembled and he ripped the door open, stomping out of the cramped space. You jumped as it slammed shut behind him.
Defeated, you put a shaky hand on the wall for support, sliding down where heâd been a minute ago.Â
~~~
Seongmok eyed Dongha as he cursed under his breath. Hunched over his phone, he mumbled to himself, the words growing louder. « Tired of this fucking bullshit. Nothingâs ever simple with her. Thought she was coming, now she says sheâs not. Her toneâs all fucking weird and shit. I just know this will somehow end up being my fucking fault. »
For a week now, Dongha had been acting weird. It started the day he came storming in from what Seongmok guessed was your place. While it wasnât unfamiliar for him to be somehow keyed up after meeting with you lately, this was different. Blowing right past irritated, he barged in, mood straight up murderous. An intense stare and grunts replaced his usual animated rants. Since then, he hung out at the bike shop most of the time, haunting the place. Like a poor soul stuck there for centuries, longing to be anywhere else. The questions burned at the tip of Seongmokâs tongue.Â
As the table started shaking with Donghaâs growing agitation, his mouth opened despite himself. He closed it. Held back. Yet again.
The phone rang in Donghaâs hand and Seongmok watched as he hesitated, then marched off, taking the call.Â
When he was out of earshot, Seongje turned to him. « So, I guess youâre staying then ? Or are you still going to⊠wherever you said you needed to go just to avoid her ? »Â
The dig fell on deaf ears. Obviously, it didnât stop Seongje. « Hey ! What did you do ? »
Seongmok answered between clenched teeth. « Why the fuck do you care, Seongje ? »
« Curiosity. I mean, once or twice ? Coincidence. Maybe. More than that ? Somethingâs definitely fishy. » Lighting up a cigarette, he rudely blew the smoke towards Seongmok, shrugging. « And she was funnier when she wasnât triggered by my comments. » A long drag. « But sheâs acting just like you. »Â
Another thick cloud of smoke hung between them. Seongmok swallowed, bitterness lingering in the back of his throat. His eye twitched. He couldnât ignore this.Â
« Itâs killing my buzz. » The sharp tone pulled his attention back. Seongje readjusted his glasses with a stiff finger, tongue running along the inside of his lip.Â
Dongha dropped back down into the seat next to Seongmok, cutting straight through the silent confrontation.Â
Seongje thankfully let it go. « Verdict ? »
« Man, I donât know⊠Donât care. » He huffed, cracking his neck. « The last thing she did was call me an asshole. » He tossed his phone on the table, the loud clatter hardly muffling his sigh.
Seongje shook his head, turning to stare at Seongmok. « Shame. Guess Iâll be leaving soon then. Companyâs too fucking gloomy for me. »
***
Seongje was the first to see you emerge from the ground floor. His eyebrows raised, something akin to approval flashing in his eyes as you approached. Dongha looked up when you dropped into the seat next to him. The spot placed you directly across from Seongmok. He met your eyes. Just for a second. Then he looked away.Â
Gotcha.
For such a skilled fighter, the guy sure was good at fleeing. You needed closure, though. So when Dongha asked if you were still coming, you said no. Never mind the fact that you were already on your way. If you wanted a conversation, youâd have to make it happen. One way or another.
An hour passed. People came and went. Laughter rose and fell. Drinks piled up. You stayed quiet though. Painfully sober. You nursed the same bottle, staring a hole through Seongmokâs head.
He mirrored you. Same drink. Same stillness. Except he refused to meet your gaze.
Dongha tried to pull you into conversations. You barely responded, distracted. His jaw tightened. Suddenly, he stood. Took hold of your hand. Dragged you down the stairs and out of the center.Â
You disappeared and Seongje leaned back, eyes following you as you crossed the lower area. « So I was right. »
Seongmok didnât have to utter a word. Frustration oozed out of him as he dragged a rough hand over his face.
Seongje let out a derisive puff. « Come on. Admit it. »
Silence.Â
« Itâs actually insane. One minute youâre sitting right there huddled together, practically giggling. The next youâre colder than fucking Baekjin. »
He paused. Seongmokâs eyebrow twitched, just enough for Seongje to catch it.
He leaned closer. « So, what is it ? Did she cross a line ? »
Then, quieter, more precise. « âŠor you did. »
That did it.
Seongmokâs fist slammed on the table, hard enough for the bottles on it to dance. « Fuck off, Seongje. » His voice was the lethal kind of quiet.Â
Seongje didnât flinch. Simply studied him for a beat.
Bullseye.
He pushed off the booth and stood, palms up. « Iâll leave you three to it. Place cleared out âcause of your bullshit anyway. Itâs getting old. » He walked off.
Silence.
Thicker this time. Ear-splitting.Â
His fingers flexed once against the table. Like he was holding something in. Or rather, barely hanging onto it.Â
***
Before he could gather himself, he saw you already stomping between the tables downstairs.
Gaze drifting to your exposed shoulders, his eyes swept to your long-sleeved top, the material obviously way too thin for the cold weather. His glance flicked to your jacket, abandoned on the booth in front of him.
Finding you in the crowd once more, he sighed. The thick fabric of your skirt didnât make up for how short it was. Your legs looked even more toned than they normally did. He stared, a faint frown tugging at his brows. Something about the tone felt⊠off.
He followed your booted feet, before trailing all the way back up to your taut features, taking you inâDongha cut your path short, a deep scowl etched onto his face.Â
Seongmok swallowed, looking away. He shook his head, exhaling slowly. Eyes closed, he rolled his shoulders and cracked his neck. The pressure came down, his composure back for a minute. Then you crossed into the room and sank into your seat.Â
He opened his eyes, only to find your face turned towards the window. Dongha lingered beside you, waiting for you to move. Rooted to the spot, you were barely blinking, lips curled like youâd tasted something sour.
Seongmok reacted quickly when Donghaâs fists clenched, making space for him to sit. He took the empty spot, scowling at your clenched jaw for a moment, then slumped back in his seat, arms crossed.
Seongmok flinched. He could tell nothing good would come out of Donghaâs mouth before he even opened it.Â
« This shit was honestly easier before you quit playing fucking therapist. »
You swiveled wide eyes towards them, your silence ominous. Time stretched, the tension palpable. Seongmok couldnât help but look as your features contorted.
« You think this is fucking funny ? Fuck you ! » Your voice was barely recognizable.Â
Donghaâs neck stretched and he yelled out an expletive, a mean grin etched onto his features. He rushed out of the booth, hands shaking.
Seongmokâs whole body tensed. Feet planted on the ground, palms braced onto the bench, he got ready to intervene in case the situation got out of hand. The energy between you two had always been intenseâthis looked like something else. Something far less playful.
Thankfully, Donghaâs hands steadied, unclenching. « Iâll go get some air. If I stay, Iâll say or do something you really, really wonât fucking like. » He walked off stiffly, not even sparing you a last look.Â
Seongmok shivered, the volatile energy radiating from your side of the booth put him on edge. He chanced a glance at you. What he found genuinely caught him off guard.
The way you glared at Donghaâs retreating back⊠heâd only seen the expression on your face once before. It had ended in glass shards and spilled alcohol. His eyes ran over the table. Cautious hands slid the gin bottle and ashtray out of your reach.
You caught the movement before he was done, your aim switching targets. « What are you doing ? » You enunciated, voice raw.
The black gaze unnerved him. He didnât show it.
Intimidation, he was familiar with. Face blank, he shrugged, answering truthfully. « Just putting all potential weapons away. »
You stared.Â
All of a sudden, you forced out a fake, unhinged cackle then cut it off, sharply. « You of all people donât get to act like this shitâs funny. » The venom in your words threw him for a loop and his mouth opened slightly. You werenât done. « Fucking assholes. Both of you. »
Before he could react, you were pushing off the booth, the heels of your boots clacking loudly on the floor.
Not even two steps in, he gripped you by the arm, halting your departure. « Hey, what did Iâ »
Your glare was so sharp, he didnât finish the sentence. He knew what heâd done. And it was clear you wouldnât pretend like things hadnât drastically shifted between you.Â
You ripped your arm away and took another step.Â
His hand blocked you again.Â
You both stared, breathing labored. Your jaw clenched in waves of ire.
The more he stared though, the clearer the hurt you felt beneath became. He realized your lips didnât tremble out of spite, but rather from how hard you were trying not to crack. Your downturned eyes grew big enough for him to notice the glassy sheen to them.
His heart stopped for a beat when he ultimately caught his own heartbreak staring back at him.Â
« ____, I didnât think youâ »Â
Just like that, the wall heâd put up almost collapsed. He almost broke and revealed how youâd lit up their little corner of the world. How he missed you. How heâd withdrawn to protect what you had from what it could become.Â
« You shouldnâtâŠÂ »Â
Your eyes turned pleading, almost begging for him to elaborate. But all he did was press his hand tighter around your wrist. Once. Twice. When your mouth opened, his head hunched, gaze falling away from yours.Â
You bit your lips, the disappointment searing your insides.Â
Enough.Â
With your free hand, you shoved him.Â
He let himself stumble back. So you pushed again. And again. His big frame stepped back until you reached the far wall. He caught your other arm when it started pounding on his chest.Â
You growled. « I canât believe it. You just had to go andâerase everything ? You just took me out of the equation. Like that. Am I not even worth an explanation ? »Â
He shook his head, a deep frown on his face. « It has nothing to do with you. » His hands tightened, willing you to believe him.Â
You huffed, eyes flicking back and forth between his. « God, youâre an even bigger jerk than him.»
Him.Â
The much-needed reminder fueled his inner turmoil. He pictured Donghaâs hard face the night of the party. Heâd gotten too close, the lines too blurred.
You brought so much joy to their bleak day-to-day that he wanted his best friend to experience it all. He still did. If that meant he had to remove himself from the equation, then so be it.
So he kept quiet. His face firmed, a fresh layer of concrete settling over him. « Thereâs nothing to explain. You should go back down to your boyfriend, ____. »
You hacked out a bitter laugh. Then you swished your wrists, straining against his hold. « And yet, youâre the one holding onto me. »Â
For a second, neither of you moved. Then the words cracked through the silence like a whip.
« Youâre a coward. »
He flinched as if you slapped him.Â
All at once, he let go, his hands dangling between you. Your breath caught for a second, taking in his stooped shoulders. He hung his head, but not before you saw the sadness shine in his eyes.Â
You backtracked.
« Iâm sorry. I didnât mean that. » You swallowed. Or rather, you tried to, the knot too big to be pushed down. Stepping backwards, shaky hands wiped at the moisture on your cheeks.
« Iâm sorry. »Â
You hurried down the stairs and out of the center, tears spilling freely, at last, as the cold air hit your face.Â
***
Baekjin sat on the bench in the corner as Dongha stormed down the stairs, beelining to the most secluded seat of the club.
Baekjin huffed out a quiet laugh, remaining in his seat.
His brief earlier appearance had been enough for him to pick up on the tension upstairs. The kind that shifted the air, made his crew walk on eggshells. They usually acted like that when they were afraid of facing his wrath.
A few minutes passed.Â
Then it was your turn to storm out, hands frantically brushing at your face.
Predictable.Â
What wasnât, on the other hand, was Seongmok slowly coming down less than a minute later.Â
He looked slightly disheveled, off-balance in a way Baekjin didnât often seeâ eyes sharper, less contained than usual.Â
Baekjinâs eyes swiveled towards Dongha sitting at the far edge of the club. He hadnât moved.
And he was tuned in. Locked onto his best friend. Arms crossed, face hard.Â
He turned back to Seongmok.
Hmm.Â
Seongmok noticed Baekjin watching him and his shoulders lifted slightly before he smoothed them out. He strolled over and sat with deliberate control, like he was forcing his body back into place.
Up close, the strain was clearer : his jaw locked hard, his spine ramrod straight. Hands too still.
Baekjin watched him for a beat.
« I trust you know what youâre doing, Seongmok. »Â
