I couldn't make you happy.

 i can't stop crying tonight.

 I want to be alone and cry and scream over this but I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think or expect. I'm so scared that the professor will just smack the mistake on me like the rest of the cruel realities in this world and just tell me: Too bad! What do you want me to do for you? You missed it and that's it! Fucking... dammit. Why did this have to happen?! WHY?!?!!? I got so fucking careless... Haha! I could always just fucking take the class again. I'd probably do better at least. Yeah, repeat it and go into that same fucking classroom with my head held down low in shame; I can't imagine the feeling of having to face the professor AGAIN knowing that I was the fucking retard that missed the exam and in spite failed me because of my irresponsibility! I'm going to cry and continue vomiting because I'm a fucking disgrace.

 Right around this time I was enamored with someone. A Senpai of sorts. But that person just kept on hurting me and hurting me, even when they weren't around. They were the type of person that were only in it to be able to make themselves feel less lonely and pathetic... And I can never forgive them. Surely somewhere along the way, my sadness hardened into anger. It’s the fact that they treated me so kindly and made me feel like something genuinely special--they praised me, they spoiled me with affection, they said they couldn't imagine a day without me. But that was all too short lived. They just changed so quickly I didn’t even have time to figure out why or how. They soon considered me something along the lines of just an object on a list of priorities.  I remember vividly that they told me I was at the bottom of those priorities too and that they couldn’t handle speaking to me haha. Promises of summer were not held; all the days we were supposed to spend together and have fun… none of it happened. In fact, that hopeful summer turned out to be the most disgustingly painful.  It’s not my fault I fell in love with that person; perhaps I can say they almost led me on. But in reality, they’re a stupidly ignorant and blind person. They wouldn’t know how to gain a sense of perception if it bit them in the ass. But I guess it IS my fault for confessing, knowing fully well that they’d put me aside. But I wanted to be selfish for once. I guess I got what i had coming. I was hurting, but they decided that ignoring me and avoiding me was the best thing. But it only made it worse. There were plenty of days where I wanted to seriously die, disappear. My chest was tight, and I would end up crying out of nowhere--I had crying fits in the middle of the night, it was like an uncontrollable rage a toddler would throw--I was at the mercy of my wild emotions. I would even ask that person for help--I BEGGED THEM TO HELP ME. And you know what that told me? "What do you want me to do? There's nothing I can think of." I broke at that point. But, it was the slap in the face I needed. Ever since then, they slowly threw me out of their life, I guess they just continued to distance themself from me using excuses. And even though I’m much happier without them in my life now, the memories of those nights spent anguishing and asking myself “why won’t they love me like they used to?” are some of the most miserable things to remember. I’m ashamed even.  I hate remembering that vicious circle. As much as I used to love that person, I wish I had never met them in the first place. They played with my heart and could never take responsibility. I can't ever see anything that reminds me of them either. It still hurts too much.