What Even Is This..?

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My Soul is Dead, Even as My Body Breathes

Chapter 1 - If Second Chances are Real, Can I Have a Third?

TW: Severe depression, self-neglect, nonspecific eating disorder

Grace looks out over the cliffs of his Eridian home. They’re different from Earth’s, but still the same. He knows every single crack and crevasse of his home. Some of the rocks even have names and stories attached to them. He’s found that he spends more and more time here, atop his cliffs, overlooking his home.

Though, now it doesn’t feel much like a home anymore. Just a house that a ghost inhabits. A terrarium with one way glass. Someplace that he wishes he could go further but is instead trapped within thick walls. The gravity pulls even more harshly at his bones these days. It’s harder to get out of bed these days. Things that used to hold joy and happiness are slowly but surely fading.

There’s a slight crunch behind him. Grace knows that it’s Rocky. It’s almost always Rocky. Sometimes Adrian, sometimes even both of them but not as of late. Apparently Adrian is working on something big that they can’t spend as much time as they used to with Rocky and Grace.

“When Grace last eat, question?” The musical tones of the Eridian language wash over him.

“Don’t know.” Grace grumbles back. He sighs and swivels his head to look at Rocky.

“Bad Grace, bad bad bad!” Rocky scolds. Even without human features, Grace can almost see the pout that Rocky has on. “Grace no eat today! Grace only eat once yesterday! Bad bad bad!”

“It’s fine Rocky. I’m just not very hungry.” Which isn’t fully true.

Grace is so extremely hungry some days that he accidentally eats too much and upsets his stomach so badly that he throws it all back up. He tries to regulate how much he eats, and it works. At least for a little while. Then he’s right back to where he was before. And because of this cycle, Grace has lost so much weight over the last several months. He isn’t quite back to how he was when he and Rocky had first arrived at Erid. But it wasn’t by much.

Just that morning, while he was getting dressed, Grace noticed that he could feel just about all of his ribs. He stared at himself in the mirror, noting passively that his facial features were sharper and more pronounced than they’d been before. His hair was starting to get long again and his usually well kept beard was becoming scraggily. Had it really been that long since he’d had Armando cut his hair? Didn’t he just trim his beard yesterday? Actually, when was the last time he took an honest to god shower? Yesterday? A couple days ago? Last week?

“Grace come! Need to eat!” Rocky broke him out of his thoughts.

“Alright, alright. I’ll get up and eat something. Would that make you feel better?” The blond lets only the barest whisper of a smile tug at the corners of his lips.

“Yes! Yes yes yes! Grace eat, Rocky happy happy happy. Need eat to stay healthy, statement.”

Grace managed a light chuckle before he tried to get up from where he was sitting. He stumbled slightly but was fine. Rocky was there to catch him. Once he was fully back up on his feet Rocky took off down the cliffs. He was chattering about something, probably related to Adrian. Grace felt bad about not being able to listen and walk like he used to.

A breeze blew by the two as they made their way down to the house. Grace shivered violently as it cut through him, even with all of the layers he had on. The artificial wind pulled at his clothing more than it had been able to before. Speaking of, his clothes had also started hanging from his frame. It was like he’d become a display rather than the wearer. It was also becoming harder to just leave the house recently. Would he even be able to make it up to the cliffs anymore at this rate?

Grace let Rocky lead him all the way into the house, past the threshold and into the kitchen. Rocky then bullies him into at least making a sandwich, to which he complies. A sandwich should be at least somewhat easy on his aching stomach. Grace tries to keep up the light conversation, but it’s too hard for his mind to keep up with. So instead, he lets Rocky talk and talk. It’s nice.

He missed this.

─── · 。ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

When he opens his eyes, Grace has no idea what day it was. How long had he been asleep? Ugh, he’s so tired that not even the grumbling of his stomach is motivation enough to get out of bed. No, maybe he’ll just lay here for a little longer.

Grace slow blinks and the light of the artificial sun has changed. Shadows are in different positions, the light beams are colored a soft gold. Hmm… He must have fallen asleep again. Grace tries to shift in his bed but finds that it takes too much effort. His joints hurt and his stomach feels like it’s been tied into a million knots. He doesn’t feel hungry anymore at least. Now he just feels hollow inside. Like there’s a gaping hole filled with a malicious void that threatens to swallow him whole.

He remembers that he was supposed to have class today. He really should get up. All of the Pebbles will be so distraught if he misses class. He means to move, to get up and rush over to his classroom alcove, to not disappoint the Pebbles that are all waiting for him.

But he just can’t.

Instead, Grace closes his eyes again and relinquishes his hold on consciousness. He’ll get up in time for class tomorrow. Today he just needs to sleep.

─── · 。ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Grace floats back to reality. Almost but not quite breaching the surface tension that separated dreams and reality. He really did mean to wake up on time. He’s able to open his eyes just a little. A tiny little sliver of light where he’s greeted with the sight of the med bay and not his room like he’d been expecting.

He takes stock of himself. Well, he wasn’t in his pajamas anymore. That was for certain. There was an IV in his left arm and a tube that went up his nose and disappeared down his throat. Another NG tube. He hadn’t needed one since he’d first woken up from his extended coma while aboard the Hail Mary.

Something bumps up against his right arm. Grace has to take a moment, but he’s now looking at Rocky in his Xenonite sphere. He tries to hum but the alien feeling of the NG tube prevents him from doing much. He does feel slightly better at least. Probably because he finally has food in his system.

“Stupid Grace. Stupid stupid stupid. Why neglect, question? Why no tell Rocky or Adrian, question?” Rocky trills. His voice is an octave lower than it normally is. He’s sad. Grace wants to feel bad about making his best friend feel this way, but he’s still so tired. “Grace die if Rocky not found. Grace sick, question?”

Adrian rolls up just behind Rocky. “Grace depressed.” They said so matter of factly. “Adrian search all through human thinking machine. But then Eridian scientist say that Grace told them. Humans not survive so long without other human. Become depressed. No eat. No cleaning habits. Sleep too long. Very very very long.”

Yeah. That sounded about right. But was it just depression? Also sure, he missed people, but was it enough to elicit this kind of reaction from his body? Grace feels a tear slip from his mostly closed eyes. Yeah. It was enough.

Even back on Earth he hadn’t been entirely isolated. Sure he was alone, but never truly isolated. He had his students, his coworkers, and on occasion his twin. He didn’t realise just how much casual touch was a focal point in his life. Shoulders bumping into each other in consolidation, high fives filled with excitement, important handshakes that exuded quiet yet unshakable confidence. It was the one thing that the Eridians couldn’t replicate. Try as they might. There was no way for them to offer the same kind of stimuli that sitting on a couch with your legs tangled together offered. One sided hugs were all that they could give him. Not the reciprocal kind that he so desperately craved. And that’s when it came to him.

Grace, Saviour of the Stars, Genius Earth Scientist, was lethally touch-starved. So much so that his body was starting to shut down as a response to it.

Tears streamed down his face as he closed his eyes again. Hoping against all hopes that he’d be able to gather the will to continue living.

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