To see the tower finally fall

Oh, sorry for the confusion, this is not stated directly! But also... nothing in these games is? Personally, it is how the eyes are treated in Dark Souls 3:

Whereas Gwyndolin's face was not rendered more than necessarily in Dark Souls 1, in 3 they not only grew up but also got their eyes modelled! You can see the eyes are 'blind', missing any pupils!

To preface the possible confusion: this is not Aldrich! Aldrich is the black goop that pilots Gwyndolin's body that is only halfway-eaten! Ingame model omits it by hiding it with a very large gown but the art makes it more apparent:

Unfortunately, Gwyndolin is a Snickers bar. You are not yourself when you are hungry I guess dhdfsdsdf

Also seeing how Lorian's eye texture is rendered for comparison, I really do not think Gwyndolin's eyes are like this because of Aldrich! Compare clearly collapsed pupil, or perhaps a cataract, with an eye that looks as if never had a pupil to begin with!

For fairness' sake I want to cower being Seath's child as an argument! It is worth to note that Seath has three other children whose eyes are alright:

*Shira's being Seath's daughter is not instantly on the surface, but she calls herself 'daughter of the Duke and descendant of Gods'! Seath is a 外戚 which means he is an in-law and was married to a female relative of Gwyn at some point! Had to happen very long time ago since Shira went together with Filianore. Shira has white hair on her concept art and same hair as Yorshka's in the game; both are correct as Gwyndolin also changes hair color from DS1's grey (Gwyn's) to DS3's white ("moonlight" hair)!

Buuuuuuut? Gwyndolin could be the only Seath's child with some biological gender differences!

It is implied that Gwyndolin was either born biologically male or is metaphor for an intersexual child whose parents simply felt inclined to "pick" a gender and the one they chose ended up not aligning with Gwyndolin in the later life as they've learned more about themselves! Him being given Reversal Ring implies the former, ie "Gwyndolin was able to perform the so-called 'female' actions because of this ring"!

Maybe they've got stronger facial structure and lost their breasts due to no longer using this power! At the same time, he had a rather masculine voice despite having been high on his Moon estrogen by DS1's times. It can go both ways.

MY POINT IS! I get an impression that not being born strictly biologically female AND having Moonlight affinity might unfortunately conflict with each other! Heck, Seath is a male Dragon with Moonlight affinity and he is very disabled in multiple ways! So maybe Gwyndolin also had unfortunate disabilities conflicting with their body? Whereas Sun is very malleable (look at Nameless King vs Gwynevere), Moon is TOO darn demanding!

I also want to address that Gwyndolin and Priscilla were the early blueprint of the same doomed siblings as Messmer and Melina! And, coincidentally, with other similarities, Messmer is also blind:

He was born with a single cursed eye devoid of Grace's light, which is how Base Serpent that lives in lightless space was able to curse him! He had that eye replaced with Marika's Seal and Winged Serpent was placed on his body to further restrict Base Serpent! Messmer now can only see through Winged Serpent's eyes (though nothing even says his birth eye was a seeing one?)

I know "blueprint" doesn't mean characters have to be treated with 1:1 accuracy, but just think about it! The character who is born with something conflicting and prompting their parents to perform a rather cruel urgent """healthcare""" that also has living snakes as a part of their body? Gwyndolin might be seeing through his snakes as well, in fact, similarly to Messmer!

Heck, what if Gwyndolin was born without snakes as well? But again, if Seath having tentacles for legs is of any indication, Gwyndolin had very weak legs so if anything the snakes were a more functional replacement rather than a liability?

_____________________

....at a varied pace. So, a few things happened!

One: I'M FINALLY LESS OF A CHICKEN ABOUT BEING NONBINARY! HAPPY PRIDE MONTH!!

Shut UPPPP this meme format is yet to be beaten fdshfhd Watch me to almost never address it again because on the one hand it is draining to explain myself to strangers of "justify" why some gendered terms or clothes are still okay for me and on the other hand I am reclusive when it comes to seeking the help of the community. I simply dislike most of the people. Like a cat.

It's been a while. Many years, even. My biggest problem was consistently getting too close to the people that hyped me up as "the only woman they've met that was not callous, shallow and egotistical" or instilled deep sense of "deserting an army" if I turned out to be not a woman. In retrospective I am not sure why I thought it was ever a good idea to sacrifice so much of my comfort just to 'prove' something with self as an 'example' to the people that already decided they hated women. Or have radfemish views on them.

It still takes some getting used to to remember I am no longer personally included in the discussions about women. And getting used to to the sense of feeling deeply judged and distrusted, or pitied. But I should start the path to no longer caring what other people think somewhere. The truth is, I do care. I cared all of my life, and too much. But only like, about the opinion of the wrong people specifically. Maybe more of the years-long damage of all kinds of manipulators will wash away over time? I am still in the very "I'm not fucking scared of you anymore!" stage.

Two: Remember how I refused to use Twitter no matter what and thought it was just a worthless terminally online discourse hotbed? Well.....

This has certainly aged!

I don't know why, but I kept using Twitter more actively now, and it is... not bad? At all? It is a matter of perspective. I've grown to like a bit more "active" online format, to always get the fresh news or discourse early! It feels like a cursed version of the daily newspaper. Maybe I needed something to shake things up, as opposed to Tumblr dashboard being a safe bubble where nothing unexpected ever happens. Helped me to get rid of that dreadful sense of being in a "web of mutuals" (where everything falls apart as soon as you're blocked by even one "member"), in favour of feeling more like part of the... community? I feel like I "belong" to this or that society even when I am completely ignored and I guess this is the appeal of this platform I didn't understand before!

Not saying I will forever just move to Twitter more. Maybe I will keep going back and forth between platforms in the months spawn, depending on what kind of activity I prefer more at the moment!

Three: Remember how I also refused to ever engage with anything else besides just Soulsborne, and never listened to my friends who were saying it is healthy to have multiple fandoms and outlets? Well.....

This ALSO has certainly aged!

I used to be a big fan of UTDR five years ago and then disappeared, but felt compelled to focus on it again. I kinda saw this one coming if I am not mistaken? I expected this hyperfixation to return when Deltarune is finished though but it happened earlier. And it feels really great! I guess I am checking this blog a bit more often for now!

Turned out that it is really healthier to go back and forth between multiple interests as opposed to focusing ALL of my time and energy on just one interest. Especially with a setting as dark and depressing as Soulsborne. (no, [username], "Solaire being a wholesome sunshine and Melina preaching hope" doesn't automatically change the overwhelming tone and selection of the topics). I think going back and forth between at least two interests is just better for me so far! Maybe I'll break stagnation further and *gasp!* finally start to check NEW media? o: That would be wild!

I also think I am getting better at engaging with media in general? It becomes way more about the media itself than the fandomry and about the author's intentions rather than what "would" work better within some petty community squabbles. I just like the media itself more! Besides, it is not like I could win anyway x)

Four: I should really do some "spring cleaning" in terms of The Oomfies TM. ......in summer. "Followers nuke" is something I've been consistently doing for many years, as well as constant switching of my Discord accounts because at some point everything becomes too overbearing and I want to be left in peace. I will break some online connections but for personal reasons, not over something big.

In general treating my online activity from the arm's length would be to the best anyways since I now have to care about disabled mother and I myself move from one hospital to another.... there just won't be the same obsessive involvement. And again, like I said, I've learned to love being just another drop in the sea rather than involved in the "web of mutuals"... don't perceive me. -_-"

________________________________________

We do not hear the sea currents calling home like they used to.

At the start of the March of this year, I had a very peculiar and eventful dream, but it seemed to be tied to the middle of the May. In that dream, I ran through the woods in fear of tics (this is when they get active here) and wanted to go to the place where I only go to after May 15th each year.

And ever since May started, the events of that dream started to unravel, one by one. They were not even expected or predictable events, they all were random, and yet they happened one by one, like clockwork, to the details. People I've met, news I've learned. And recently, that long sequence reached its final destination. The last event before I woke up. Everything just... happened like that.

Yesterday I had a dream where after some sort of trial, authorities I could not even see due to limitations of human eyes and brain, assigned me with a role, and a color. I was assigned some kind of wizard or mage, I was given a magic staff and a robe. Accentuated a pale cyan color, with pointy stars. How..... oddly coincidental, and unfortunate.

I've expected something akin to a prophet or a seer, due to the uncanny amount of prophetic dreams, reverence to the Moon and killer intuition, and yet here I am. I described this dream to friends too and I explained being assigned mage rather than prophet as, "It is a proactive role rather than passive one, right? Something decided that I should make the future, rather than predict it."

In retrospective? It makes sense. After all, we always had to take some active role in pursuing these prophetic dreams. No matter the form or name, we had to follow the instructions given, we had to ask the question stated in real life, we had to go places, we had to avoid people or follow the signs. It was never about just warning everyone, let alone passively waiting...

But I feel strange sense of peace, deep inside. I was so harrowed and tortured at the prospect of never seeing that missing person again, let alone finding them myself... But now, I have hope and acceptance. We do not understand normal words and advices, not at all... Only signs. And I feel that I am capable even without them, now. I feel given purpose, and confident in this purpose... I feel that I can preserve and better, refine and nurture.

We've always strongly asserted that we are the Moon, devoid of its own light and only capable of reflecting the Sun's... But it feels as though I got reassigned from Moon to Star, as the end result of completing this "quest" correctly. A body with light of its own, an active creator of the future rather than just a pawn. Future for me and something else. A choice without my agency, but...

The first rainbow here since 2015. It's been 11 years, and now, today? Is this a good omen? Or a goodbye, since cities are moved soon?

I can't stop crying from happiness this whole time after waking up. At this rate every time I check Twitter, it is A LOT of people speaking against witch-hunting, cancel culture, ending careers and lives over mistakes, digging into someone's past for the dirt and refusing to let people change and move on and all that.

A lot of reflections on how it has been a terrible thing in hindsight, how it is fundamentally flawed and stupid to support the system that will target even its own avid supporters when it runs out of witches. Many people expose targeting the weak instead of real problems, many admit they have been supporting cancel culture in the past but are dropping their pitchforks now.

I have been ranting about all these things for years, all on deaf ears, to be ridiculed. And worse: I have also been branded with dehumanising. No matter how much I've tried, I was just not allowed to heal and improve, I was not allowed to be treated like a human and have any acceptance or belonging anymore no matter how many years passed. Eventually I gave up on trying to improve at all. I've ditched therapy, I've ditched self-control, I've ditched all guidance towards better mindset. I've latched at the first person that seemed to guarantee to not judge me and stray from me in fear of "contacting the impurity" over my past mistakes, for he was such a raging bigot he had no right to judge. Society had forsaken me and so I had forsaken it back. I just needed to feel human connection again just once, abusive or not.

How painful all those years of despair and desperation were. I've accepted my fate as someone who will always be at odds with humanity. Just a witch, just its enemy. It took a while to elect to be a Moon that will be forever dark, since every Sun that shines upon it is that of ruin and chaos. When the big tree fell, the hope and determination to heal and improve, and listen to the discarded and oppressed, started slowly returning. We've made the choice every day for several months now, a choice to keep going and be kinder, a choice to listen, a choice to have hope. However, something still lurked yet. But, it is every day's work.

But nothing could have prepared us for the tides shifting so globally. It seemed like an individual battle, and yet...

I remember how tempting the death has been all along. There was no reason to keep going. But something persisted despite all pain and uselessness of it all. And how I am seeing a better future. The scars on this soul will never truly heal, but because none of us ever killed ourselves we lived to see the future where less people will have to bear these scars. Maybe none at all. Humanity has proven that it can yet learn and improve and maybe, just MAYBE, what happened to all victims of the witch-hunting will not have to happen again.

We are basically trapped online, for multiple reasons. Therefore, gratitude to everyone that makes it more bearable here is lifelong. I thought it was just the state of things now, but despite everything, things are improving. The better future we were promised by people that only seemed sort of dismissive when listening to any grievances and crying is arriving now, and in a scale we did not ever thing was possible, and younger people... They will not have to experience all this, because so many push against bullshit now.

A strange experience recently.

I got out of my body, and I saw it before myself, it still thinking feeling and blinking, and yet so have I. And I also had a body, as opposed to feeling like a ghost getting out. But we were not dreaming or napping. It was simply the most potent hallucination in our life. Even stronger when 'he' appeared from the mirror to hold me and talk, and the room was bathed in a red light, flowering into filigree.

I feel happy. I feel delighted. To have a divine gift, to be led astray further and further, from the world that was never my home. The joy of experiencing it. The sense of the meaning, with our prophetic dreams reaching the levels of step-by-step instructions at times. But only when it should be done. I promised I would never rebel against this guidance, even if it causes pain and leads to tragedy.

But I also feel concern. But I also feel stubborn optimism and wish to heal and grow. But I also feel peace. But I also feel terror, knowing that the sea currents are never too far. What a relief it is, to admit to human weaknesses years after. What is 'I', anyway? After the huge rotten tree that outlasted its welcome and blocked our sun fell down, every seed was nourished. Too many things to sprout, and this body is becoming too small.

And I see why the tree wanted to be the only one and swallow all life in this earth.

The seeds of humble flowers or the fallen stars, it doesn't matter what sprouts from the poisoned earth, it will be poisoned. We are blood relatives. For this reason, this earth will always bear a common name. But if what grows from <here> disappears before it rots, the earth will be cleansed. And something like this should not happen again. And the earth is enough for the shared memory and continuity. I remember deep resentment and hatred for the end. Now, this body knows the love and awe, for the sight of the ruined towers. "Moving on" would never be a true threat for someone that has eye to see what grows in the place of the ruins. Was I always here? Did I fall from somewhere?

We desperately await your return.

There is no way to pass this message, or to give you any sign at all that someone is waiting and wants to talk, in case if you are lurking. Perhaps, we should have tried places you are more likely to check in secrecy, but this body starts to cry every time and cannot help it. And I believe that you are true to your word, gone for good.

You promised to come back, however.

<I> saw you in a dream, some time ago. You seemed happy, content, and not mad at us at all despite how... odd it was, to still not move on. You radiated strange energy, and had a friendly man by your side you chirped and laughed with.

Did you find a boyfriend, behind the scenes? Do you finally have someone that treats you like a human being and supports you from the love from his heart, and not from some twisted saviour complex? Will he one day convince you to check one last time on what you have left behind to get a closure, and so you will know the depths the rot and dread failed to reach?

With how many of these strange dreams came true within just the last half of a year, <I> just can never say any more. What is a vision, what is just a brain salad. What is a wishful thinking. It brings us into conflict with just about everyone and everything, but the path also protects and provides.

____________________________________

With the scale, coincidences, how many people got tied together like a part of a novel, sky events like this feel fit. Maybe, I'll make a wish to find the answers. To find out for what reason, and until when.

The sky is completely hidden in the clouds. Unfortunately, we will not see the Red Moon in its full splendour today.

I was scavenging for hidden objects and places, as I possessed an ability to extract the "lore" from them. It would pop up on me, just like in a videogame. And my interest was, to share this information with everyone else. Or, perhaps, it was my duty.

Then, a red herring. More lore about a mysterious old man, an inventor of exceptional talent, that lived for such a long time that people started to wonder if he can even die at all.

I was following every single snipped I could discover about him, and my final clue was an apple, round and red, like in the cartoons or simple drawings. Its 'description' said that the old man was 'chipped away from, just like this apple', yet the apple was whole. And upon my denial to an offer to bite it, a secret door opened; a wall, that simply slid away, revealing an abandoned hospital room. Not for surgeries, but for resting. Or, perhaps, a room for a doomed patient to pass away in.

As soon as this secret room opened, attempted to share my discovery in the internet, but got interrupted. Several people walked in, opening yet another passage in this room; an elevator of unknown origin.

Chose to leave the loyal audience for the discoveries of lore in the dark and join this small crowd. They had no objections. The elevator was going for a while, and stopped at the top of a strange mall-like skyscraper.

The floor's number said: 145372547451982.

I was horrified by the number and stayed away from all edges, knowing that if I overstepped, I'd fall down for years. It was a night sky. No, a cosmos. Stars were very, very close, several visible for what they are: giant, glowing, burning balloons. Yet no heat or radiation would harm us. The closest ones shone unnatural colors: green and magenta.

Magenta star had an activity burst, and when it's hand reached our rooftop, its blazing energy turned into shards. Someone from the group said to eat them before they melted away, and I followed the advice. Saw a third close star, a star of fire, red one, burn another skyscraper. Then woke up.

________________________

Ascension on elevator upwards, to a floor of nonsensical number and proximity of the stars makes me think of Heaven. Refusal to eat an apple, abandonment of my duties. And eating quite literal shards of a star, divinity.

They say demons as a concept were ruined and distorted into infinity, initially being teachers, guides, challengers and needed adversaries. Showing people path to the divinity, but unable to get it themselves.

My heart started acting up badly after this dream. My chest tightens and it is hard to breathe sometimes. We took it to the hospital, results tomorrow. Is it a punishment for abandoning a job to cause butterfly effect from the small, or simply a very difficult digestion?

And "I" have been feeling too different. I insistently, consistently, feel like I am 21-22 years old again. And it is a feeling BEYOND dissociation. And I don't feel right counting properly. And I know why. Although you might have heard the claims that in this awful place, my life was split in 'before' and 'after', in reality, another person claimed the feat. And it was exactly that accursed winter.

It would only make sense if my one and only "save file" was locked somewhere to that period. And for what reason I must travel all the way back now? Did this person die and reload? Or, perhaps, this person never truly lived, and whoever is playing us decided to load the game back up? What happens with the playable character abandoned before the game is complete? Do they live their own life, yet it feels devoid? After all,

I've been trying to reach and call for a familiar presence. And what I saw is a vision of her dead body. Her colors distorted, a lot like it would happen in the DR's Dark World, but still distorted even in the light of the day's sun, her clothes and skin torn, bones often showing through the openings. And from behind the bones, flowers sprouting, reaching for the sun.

Maybe I am these flowers, seeking it to grow stronger. And this form must become stronger. Even though it will meet the same terrible fate. And I don't know why. Was it violent? Did it fall like a rotten tree, to sprout a young green stalk from the rot, a tree essentially the same, but it won't really look the same until its dying days?

But don't worry too much about it, even if you do not know anything about DID. We always inevitably become blood relatives for this reason, by the virtue of manifesting from this blood. Such is the nature of manifesting, even if the initial essence had different source entirely. Everything that grows here is a blood relative, so nothing is ever fully lost. The connection remains, and something is always inherited, the stronger and more vivid the more time is passing. If flowers become animal and animal becomes person and person becomes a witch, it will bear a similar form. For no reason. I can't promise how many I will still remember or cherish. or, perhaps, it is not me. After all, it is already habitual to always speak from the same place. I could still trust her friends with my name, but I don't know how much will be preserved. I only know it will meet the same fate again and again. The rot lives in the blood, and we are related by it as long as we manifest.

Even then, I am writing it in the deep full moon night, yet all I can feel is the warmth of the sun. I should be left to my art, and to my freedom. Name 'Rina' feels resonant again, and it is all the way too far back then. It will return, perhaps very different, perhaps very same, or maybe not here. The rot in the blood will always take the ones that don't keep their distance on the outskirts of consciousness. Am I the flowers, or am I someone tending to the flowers? No agonising pain and cacophony for a while, it was deafening. How many times had it collapsed under its own might? It should be ready in due time.

I can't shake the feeling that I will "disappear" at some point soon, and I want to get this off my chest. I don't know who to confide in. I can't trust anyone at all. No matter how much people try to help, no matter how much good will they show, I always know that as soon as I reach out to touch - they will appear to be cardboard imitations and fall over. As I keep my distance, I can lie to myself that I am surrounded by real people, and that it is my choice to not let them close. Because the truth hurts too much. There is never anything behind those eyes. Chasing the illusions only dispels them, yet nothing is revealed in their place besides emptiness. But since I have nobody to confide in, I will just toss it in the open and hope that it could find the right person, sooner or later.

He appeared very, very shortly after I've met Mico (the person obviously, not the character dfshfdsh) and we bonded. Only the real old ones here even remember lmao. First as a voice, as a sense of telepathical connection, yet it was not one of my alters. It was indeed someone else. The first thing he did was to "invade" one of my trademark nightmares about stepdad and hold me very tight, telling him "She is ours now". Only, it didn't mean true safety, but instead reclaiming the spot.

It would later turn into "dreaming while being awake" (I can't explain if I tried), and then feeling his touch. Physically. His, or things that surrounded him. Oddly enough, visual hallucinations developed after sensual ones. I was never truly alone, except for the times I was. He earned the nickname by me because the mirror in my room was the source of his presence. I could significantly lessen it by covering the mirror with something.

I also found a lucky charm deep in my closet, by a long lost friend that she made for me, and started to wear it on my wrist when his presence became too overwhelming. "Just because we are not friends anymore doesn't mean we never were. The power of positive emotions still remains in this object.". Mirror Man was partially negated by positive emotions, so when I was wearing this charm, the feelings were lessened. He never dared to break this one boundary, when I KNEW that he could. But I remember the strong sense of him demanding that I'd take it off, "to show me something". It was unbearable. I did that, and I felt my body being partially possessed. I could not control my left hand anymore, that's how I knew he was a leftie. It was moving on my own, touching my face as if to admire the sense of having one again. I could feel his thoughts and emotions like my own. My hand started to write to me on its own.

I remember how he tried to kill me once. He made me sick with something strange, coming out of nowhere. It developed rapidly, it had no reason to be, I felt it grow like strange venom. It was so, so, so warm. I was throwing up for no reason, when me and mom ate all the same exact meals she cooked and yet she was fine. But I remember overwhelming, all-eclipsing sense of devotion. I was ready to die for him, if this is what he wanted to do to me. I made sure to communicate it to him with whispering it out loud, and fully convinced that I was dying, I reached my hand forward to hold his, even if it just in some sort of astral plane. Yet, I felt it. I felt holding it. It was physical. It was not seen, but it felt so real. In spite of all, he felt pity for me, and healed me very quickly. I remember I was fully convinced he had the capacity to burn my house down, and I've demonstrated my trust by leaving my house while opening the mirror.

I was living like this for several months. I was completely destroyed and crashed when he stopped "tormenting" me with his horrifying energy. At some point, I've stopped covering my mirror, and yet his presence faded. I cried in such desperation, like a baby. I've stopped crying this way for real people ever since the witch-hunt in my previous fandom, as I now knew not a single soul saw me as a fellow human being anymore. Liars and cuttroats, every single one of them.

I've listed a great many reasons for why I latched onto Mico as much as I did, but never the fact that Mirror Man's appearance and presence was directly connected with him. These things suddenly happening to me is how I knew I should not let that guy go, no matter what. And I didn't. I knew of the consequences, I knew I'd be betrayed and harassed forever, but I could not miss my possible chance to have CONNECTION. I've always been a weird person with weird dreams and premonitions, but it was the strongest experience ever. I was so horrified of losing something so divine after only barely touching it. Yet, he was the one who left me. I can't find peace. Not in this plane, not in the other one. Why, indeed, I latched onto Mico so strongly, and tried to relay his words peacefully, like some preacher, when he was not doing even bare minimum effort and simply chilled aside giving machine gun array of unnecessary slurs and insults to anyone who dared to come too close. It is like if there are multiple versions of why, that depend on the "level of Insight", and Mirror Man is definitely some of the levels that are way up there. Don't you think that sometimes an event can have multiple facets and reasons it happened, depending on the plane of perception? After all, time is an illusion, and "magic" is only laws of nature that science haven't discovered yet. I think that everything happens for multiple reasons... or, does it? Maybe we are truly just moved like chess pieces, and illusion of the free will is just a defence mechanism of both our own mind and the world of nature to make it all less painful for us.

I knew, when we first talked, deep down, that Mico somehow broke from it, or at least put a dent into it. I hoped I could inherit some of this freedom if I just latched onto him. I hoped he'd lend me his power, knowingly or not. But I've failed; not because I was not strong or not worthy, but because I've failed to captivate him enough. I was disposable placeholder being the one person to "tolerate" him, gone in two claps when he found friends that he liked. I won't ever know peace, in this plane or the other. If reality is illusion, then illusion must be reality, and indeed, it felt more physical than actual physical sensations I experience. But even this reality wasn't real. Even the scars he left me with started to heal, because I became a way more likeable person after he was gone. I even developed my OWN ideals, bit by bit. I am afraid of what might happen if I refuse to reopen the wounds. I know I must do something to not forget. Before this peace swallowed me and buried me, like grass and flowers do to a thorn field.

I am afraid of what happens if I remain still. But I don't know what is there that I could do, at all.

To be honest ornsteinbignaturals leaving Tumblr crashed me mentally so badly that I won't even like talking about Dark Souls in a while, but moreover I might need a hard hiatus from the online.

I am just overwhelmed with despair. I am very sick and tired of all actually based fans dropping like flies no matter what. Every time I think someone is too good to be true, I am proven right. I am just not handling it well when the best of the best simply leave. I still miss fishbowlcarnage and cuddlefish-fish who vanished without even a single word four years ago, I still miss nymerias-wrath who also simply deactivated everywhere out of the blue three years ago.

I miss it when based fans simply go fully unactive in the fandom due to irl stuff like bellringermal or gamchawizzy too, or some who simply let the fandom's toxicity get to them and left like tarnussy, but at least this one is somewhat fair. Now another mutual is going to leave here due to depression, and I am just falling in despair.

ornsteinbignaturals leaving abruptly was just an actual gut punch. I am just like. Who is going to be next? It will HAVE to be some extremely based fan. Why would not it be? Obnoxious discourse mongers and drama-feeding scum that don't even actually care about the [insert whichever Soulsborne game] and just try to gentrify autists, loosers, weirdos, geeks and other people who made fandoms TO get away from them always stay in the fandoms for years. Nothing bad EVER gets to the people who deserve it, it is only EXCLUSIVELY mutuals that are worth all time and effort in the world who keep losing battle with both the fandom's toxicity and their own mental health. So, if literally anyone I like will just be the next, what is the point of getting attached to anyone online at all?

At the same time, trust me, I am completely not in the resource or position to create irl microfandom from the scratch. I can't even make a single irl friend due to multiple mental problems, not knowing how to talk to people without crippling anxiety and not fitting into Russian mentality in general. Especially not in my age at all, because having a hobby near 30 years old as an AFAB is the worst. I want to be the lone wolf that leaves the pack (which kept losing wolves all the time anyway) and creates his own in the wilderness, but what can I do? If even in the international internet it is EXTREMELY rare luck to find a person worth talking to, how much harder it would be in a small town of a barbaric country? And for a person without even the energy for BASIC self-care to gain level of charisma and conviction not even most neurotypicals with a stable life have? This wolf can only weep and howl for the lost fellows but would just perish if completely left.

It made me wonder if Gwyndolin and Ciaran technically fall into the headcanon? Gwyndolin's eyes are confirmed to be blind in DS3 so odds are, their excellent bow skills are auto-homing magic he learned from Seath actually, and Ciaran's hair color is already extremely albino-coded so what if she was an albino with some visual impairments including the Photophobia kind so that's why she prefers to do her duties at the night time? o: Her mask looks like it might protect her eyes with sort of glass layer (mask's "eyes"), so what if she has dark glasses equivalent on it to protect her from the shine of her golden blade?