Katrina Fleming

At a dinner for two, do you groan when they bring your tapas plates out and there’s three of everything?

Watch this Moccona coffee TV commercial from 1998 comes to mind...  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TTNVre76leY 

I've always wondered if language or certain terms have a used by date? Like  … lunting, which is walking whilst smoking a pipe…. Or ….Snoutfair, which is a good-looking person … or myspace. 

Why do African-Americans call themselves by the continent or place their ancestors came from?  I would never call myself a Scottish-Australian.  I don't know anyone in Scotland. I have no known relatives in Scotland. I know that 7 generations ago my ancestors boarded a boat and came to Australia. And that's as far as it goes…. to call myself Scottish-Australian would be redundant. To call myself Convict Australian is equally inconcievable. As Scotland is a part of the European continent to call myself European-Australian is ridiculous.  I am Australian.  

My bestie has mixed race parents and a Euro-Asian appearance.  She doesn't speak any asian languages, grew up in a leafy suburb in the East and went to a private school and is 100% Australian. That's how it is. 

I recall hearing the term Asian-American … during my short visits to the USA. And I wonder…. What's that about? Is it pride to be 'other' or special within the multicultural make up that is the USA? Do people also call themselves Mexican-American? European-American? Latvian-American? Are there Australian-Americans?

Is it an American thing? I've never met a Brit that defined themselves by their ancestry. African-English is not a thing. Asian-Brit is not a thing. Never heard the term American-Englishman.

I'm wondering why the term African-American exists? Why aren't they …..  American?  If equality and being the same is on the agenda -  is it time to retire the term that defines race?

This classic move was from a woman in Michigan, USA, as told by The Age newspapers ODD SPOT follows:

"Police say an intoxicated driver thought she was pulling up to a bar when in fact she had arrived at a jail. The woman told an officer she believed the Van Buren County jail in Michigan was a bar at which she was going to pick up her boyfriend. Police say she tested twice the limit and is expected to face drink-driving charges." 

So how drunk do you have to be to mistake the local lock up for the local pub?

Twice the legal limit. Apparently.

It could have been worse…. She could have ask the local Sarge for a lap dance. 

How do we get our children to abstain from sex, drugs and rock ‘n’roll  - when we know that’s how they were conceived??

text copyright © Katrina Fleming 2014

Isn't it funny how some money is worth more than other money?

I will think NOTHING of shelling out a couple hundred dollars for a pair of Italian leather sandals - but RESENT every cent a new toaster is going to cost me.  

I'll shop around for weeks, consulting Choice magazine, whipping up and excel spreadsheet cross matrix chart of pros and cons for each brand - BUT…

I'll buy those strappy sandals entirely by accident when I've popped down to the shops to buy some milk.  

And it DOESN'T matter that I'll use that toaster every day of my life… and I'll wear those sandals twice. 

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text copyright © Katrina Fleming 2014

Have you ever had your all important - can't miss it - flight cancelled on you?

You're at your gate and PANIC sets in.  What can you do when you HAVE to catch a connecting flight at the end of this flight and you're faced with a poe faced doofas attendant?  

What's a girl to do to get on that flight? 

CRY.

Yes. Bring it on. Tears. Interrupted breathing. Heaving. Puppy Dog eyes. 

'Shhh…. don't tell anyone… I'll double book a seat for you on this flight'  She said. 

I felt terrible making my way down the isle on the flight whilst others had to wait in the gate lounge for other flights. 

Then I get to my seat.

AND THERE's SIX EMPTY SEATS NEXT TO ME!!! 6. What's with that?? Bloody airlines. 

Who put the phooey in the Boloney?

Don't' believe a word they say.

I often think about why humour is important and every day, I find a greater need for it, than the day before.

How do you reconcile a world where people in the USA can buy a toaster that allows self obsessed people to burn a picture of themselves into the toast…. Yes – TOAST!!! when people in West Africa can't access basic medicine to treat 20,000 people infected with a mutated Ebola virus? Brad and Angelina's wedding is a news item next to terrorists stringing up boys to torture them on camera to proudly show the world.  

But maybe the world has always been this way, only now we can witness it ourselves.  Charlie Chaplin penned a song in 1936 that sums up the role of humour, and comedy in a sad world, which I take to be advice for mankind.  Melancholic, vital advice.

It goes a little like this …. “Smile though your heart is aching, Smile even thought it’s breaking.  When there are clouds in the sky you’ll get by.”

Here is a beautiful rendition: Judy Garland singing SMILE

 REFERENCE:

There are fewer and fewer things in life I’ve never done,  as the years go by,  but going for a Guinness World Record is definitely one thing I’ll never do.  Mostly because I’m scared. 

Check these pearlers out! 

‘Fastest time to type a text message (SMS) on a mobile phone while performing head spins (breakdance)’  Who thought that one up? Probably a contestant for the X factor.  Check out Benedikt Mordstein here.

‘Heaviest Weight lifted by tongue’  I’m guessing Gene Simmons started this one off – then his fans took over and a legacy was born.    Here he is: Thomas Blackthorne

‘Fastest milk squirting distance’  Presumably through ones nose…. NO.  THROUGH his eye ball!   Check out Ilker Yilmaz here

‘Most needles inserted into the head’ As in Acupuncture! Or just …. Puncture.  Here’s the human porcupine: Wei Shengchu

I think it's named Guinness Book of Records, coz it takes a few pints to get up the muster to be this Extra Ordinary. 

I was wondering … in a post apocalyptic world when mankind is no more and the animals have all gone …What happens to the vampires? 

It has occurred to me that almost everything I can buy in China, I can buy in my local shopping centre, or on line, or in America, Canada, New Zealand.  At one time, having something exotic and unusual in your home, such as a Buddha statue, or an African spear, was a talking point of interest at dinner parties.  Now  - they're sold in the Bunnings garden centre.  Globalisation means same, same and more of the bloody same. 

This homogenisation of the retail world really stood out for me when I was in Stockholm, Sweden and suddenly, EVERYTHING WAS DIFFERENT!  Cool shops,  full of cool things I'd not seen a million times before. Scarves, furniture, fabrics, Christmas knick knacks - all unique to me.  It was refreshing and exciting. 

This is how I used to feel when I was at my local artists market.  Wonderfully unique hand crafted goods found no where else on earth…. but not any more. Artists have become internet savvy, marketing and business skills are now a part of their creative arts training.  The need to monetize their art to survive with the available tools, such as the internet, now means that their work is at many other markets, and in stores, and on line.  Good for them, I say. I often lamented on the lack of business skills the true artist had to market their work to the world to survive with a regular income. But be careful what you wish for!  Suddenly, nothing is unique anymore. 

Pinterest, Etsy, and the like are great at sharing your content, your craft, your clever one off, unique masterpiece with the world. It's also a sure fire way of giving up all ownership of your work. As soon as it's up and online, someone else is copying it, mass producing it, re-imagining it.  Just like the Patents Office, the protection you should get from publishing your work under your name, means the 'gifting' of your work to billions of pirates - for free. The internet means same, same and more of the bloody same. 

When I travel now, I don't buy any cultural keepsakes from that country, like I did in the 80s and 90s.  What's the point? When I can buy the exact same thing at home, and I get to save on suitcase space, don't have to declare anything at the airport and can wait until it's on special without having to haggle.  Having said that, I still buy one great painting on every major trip.  My walls are filled with framed memories, posing as art. It's my attempt to make my home unique and full of memories without copying the latest in Home Beautiful magazine. 

There are many perks to being single: Sleeping with more than one person for the next 50 years is top of the list. But there are many disadvantages too. Especially when it comes to the cost of living.

Like …  splitting the bills. Not the restaurant bill.  Single women only agree to split bills if we have already decided that we’re not going to see you again because you’re an unromantic tight arse surfing the coat tails of feminism.

I mean, the electricity, gas, water and mortgage bills.  Now don’t bang on about how you use more power for more people.  Rubbish. You DO NOT use twice the gas to cook dinner for 2. You do NOT use twice the electricity to watch the same TV. You do NOT use more power to heat the one house. 

OK. I will concede that you use more water if there’s 2 of you – but you can fix that, by showering together.  And lets face it – that’s way more fun than showering alone anyway.  Although … that does lead to more time in the shower.   So let’s just say that there’s a blanket exception to Water bills in this rant.  But EVERYTHING else is more expensive for a single person.

And food… I’m throwing out half a lettuce every 2 weeks, along with half a red capsicum, half a zucchini half a bunch of limp celery.  And the freezer is full of portions of meals  - because it’s impossible to cook anything for one person. 

And DON’T get me started on presents! There’s one of me, and there’s 10 of them! But I don’t get 10 presents… no no no… For example, there’s my brother, his wife, and his 2 lovely girls – and there’s just one of me.  We have a $50 limit set in our family for presents – so that’s $200 from me with the single income, to the family of four and $50 from the double income family to the Best Aunty in the World. I know it’s not cool to bitch about presents …. But it’s Christmas, and Easter, and birthdays and special events…. Phew! It adds up to thousands of dollars. 

And no.  I CAN’T just divide up $50 into 4.  What can you buy for $12.50 that says I Love you to the moon and back.  Hey???  What about the $50 FAMILY gift? I hear you say.   NO ONE LIKES THE FAMILY GIFT! Especially not the 6-year-old niece.

And grooming is expensive.  Now I’m not saying that all married couples let themselves go, or that all single people are polished.  But think about how much effort you go to for a first date and then multiply that by a hundred.  Personal grooming is a premium cost to be in the game.  There’s extensive waxing, new outfits, new shoes, hair, nails and facials. And for us women, we also have to buy lingerie too. (A successful single life does NOT involve the Bonds value pack of briefs).

Where’s my federal government allowance for being a single, white, educated, first world, female with a mortgage and bills to pay?

I don't know why psychic TV shows exist.

If they were any good and they knew something about your future - surely they should just call you up and tell you not to cross the street when the shiatsu barks four times,  or to get a lottery ticket for the third Tuesday in the month of May?   Why do we need to see them and phone in for a reading? 

If they were good enough to get their own TV show,  they should be good enough to already know that I don't want to watch it.  And just skip over the channel all together.

And Psychic Tara keeps sending me emails.  She can't be any good - because I've been wishing and praying that she would stop sending me said emails  - but they keep coming. I've even bounced my emails back.  They still come.  And she has an unsubscribe button at the bottom of the page.  But Why?  Shouldn't she already know who wants to unsubscribe? 

And what's with the purple half moons, and stars?  Don't they know that it's time for a make over?  

Why isn't there a word for the dumb ass from across the street?  Ahh... but there is, I hear you say. It's 'neighbour'.  But is that the right word? Neighbour means "a person who lives near or next to another"  and the dumb ass 'neighbour' isn't a 'person'.  He's not really 'living' and I doubt that he's ever been 'next to another'. 

The best thing about Australia's new TV channels are the men we get to spend our afternoons with.  Real, macho, solid, gorgeous, ruggedly handsome '80's men.  Magnum, Rockford and  the A-team.

The Rockford Files

The A Team

Magnum P.I.

What was it about the 80s that gave us leading men with mustaches and mow-hawks? The real surprise is that they are still appealing ... after leaps and bounds in feminism these men are still as hot as ever.

A friend asked me who was the sexiest man on TV. Of course, it was Tom Selleck. At what age? she asked me. Any age! 

The guy is the epitome of tall, dark and ruggedly handsome.  

If you don't believe me - then try arguing with this:

Not that the 80s had a monopoly on ruggedly handsome... there's these guys:

George Clooney

Clint Eastwood

Sean Connery

And there's Hugh ....ahhhh.....

Hugh Jackman in AUSTRALIA

And our Russell    (-: