130 & my parents sit me down and tell me they’re concerned about my weight, and I nod along, thinking don’t they know I feel fat enough already? Don’t they know my eyes fill with tears every time I step on the scale?
132 & the pounds keep going up and my self-esteem keeps going down and my ballerina beauty, with her thigh gap and tiny wrists, she tells me its just genetics but I see the way her eyes cast over my stretch marks and belly and I see the disgust she holds on her tongue when she tries to reassure me I’m just “curvy”.
128 & every ounce of food that invades my body makes me shudder but I keep eating, because I am so fucking weak and I am so fucking fat and I am nothing like the girls at school and my mother still keeps me from piling on seconds at the dinner table and God, if only she knew.
124 & I tell my mom I’m not hungry for breakfast for the 3rd week in a row and she just nods, tells me I need to work out when I get home from school. I threw out my ham sandwich at lunch, but when I get home I binge and suddenly its three hours later and I’m sitting in front of my toilet with a tooth brush in my hand and part of me wants to jam it up my throat and watch the calories fall out, and the other part of me is so fucking scared and keeps promising I’ll do better, have nothing but water until the number on the scale drops again and I set down the toothbrush and I am shaking violently and can’t seem to recall when this became all that mattered.
127 & its been a couple months and its been a couple pounds but I’m okay, I tell my mother I’m scared of myself and she holds me and says nothing but I’m sorry until I fall asleep.
But then its 11 at night and the boy I’ve been texting and maybe crushing on tells me sorry, he’s not into “big girls”. I put the phone down and I get mad before I get ashamed, before the three full meals I had today flash before me like a death sentence.
It’s true, I suppose, I could lose some weight but there are some things I cannot change, like the fact that my hips are wide and my shoulders are broad, because those are just bones and that is just my body.
But its midnight now, and truly, bones are all I want to be.
areudirty
germansingergirl
snowghoul
gummygunk
yousharknotpass
