Look What You Did To Me

It’s been a very long time since I’ve written a post on here. So much has happened it’s hard to even believe I am still here.

The past few years have been a whirlwind. Up and down. Confusing. Angry at the world. Confused with myself and who I even am as a person. All them years that I found myself attached to one person so desperately and clinging onto them.. I finally had the answers I needed. I wasn’t mad or crazy. I was diagnosed with BPD only a few months ago. All my emotions I feel so intensely, so deeply. So deep they hurt. It feels every part of my body will break.

Many a time I’ve been close to the end. A few failed attempts. The darkness that has consumed me for more years than I could even count, finally came to a head. I didn’t want to do life anymore. I thought of all the people I had hurt in my time and how much happier they would be without me. Even now, most days are hard to get through. I live with Suicide ideation always. And yes, over the years I’ve learnt to mask my pain with a smile, I’ll never forget all the good people I was lucky enough to have had in my life. Each one, left a mark and a memory. I still miss them now. The pain is still there but now I have a new pain. A pain I live with everyday. And I’m just waiting for that next person in my life to leave me too.. Everyone says I have become stronger but I don’t think that’s true. They don’t know how much it hurts me to breathe.